i will not stifle myself to let you sleep soundly.

The skin around my eyes is literally raw from crying all day. My head literally hurts so bad I can’t form a coherent thought. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I really think I hate traveling. I don’t like the traveling part and I literally like cannot tolerate flights and airports and then even when you get to where you’re going the inconveniences outweigh the enjoyment by 100000%. I’m in a weird place where I feel like I can’t touch any of the surfaces because I don’t know how clean it is, I don’t have all my things, I can’t regulate my body temperature and I just took a cold shower and as soon as I got out I’m already drenched in sweat even though the air in the room is on and because I’m so uncomfortable and anxious I have no appetite and don’t want to eat which makes me feel worse and then I have to force myself to eat and feel sick and uncomfortable and then I have to go home and have no time to chill before I’m thrown back into work (not that I’m getting a break, I’m doing a “working vacation” which is stupid and stressful and the WiFi sucks and I’m angry and sad and hate everything

Im in such a bad place holy shit. I’m so depressed I feel it so physically and I’ve been dissociating and the depersonalization and derealization is getting so bad. I’m so close to not functioning. I don’t feel real. It feels so hard to breathe.

the only good thing about lexapro making me gain a shit ton of weight is that i just bought a bra for the first time in a long time (years) and i apparently went from a 34A to a 36C. teen me never would’ve believed i’d finally get boobs in my 30s.

Just had someone ask me if I’m pregnant. After we’ve been taking shots together all night. Gonna go fucking chop my stomach off now thanks bye.

I am having such a bad time and I’m even more upset because I used all my PTO for this trip and have spent over a thousand dollars and I have to work at like 8am the morning after we get back when our flight lands at like 9pm and then a two hour drive home and I was willing to do that when I thought I would at least enjoy myself but this feels like the worst use of my time off and I’m going to go back to work even more stressed and all my clients know I was going on a trip so they are all going to ask and I’m going to have to pretend I enjoyed it and I just want to go home. Like I literally want to leave early but there is no way I can navigate Heathrow by myself and handle a flight by myself and even then I have no way to get from the airport to home but I really just want to go home so bad.

am I a bad person if I say I hate traveling?! that flight was legit my nightmare (from an outside perspective it was fine) and I spent the whole time crying (despite TWO different prn meds) and trying to calm down to the point the flight attendant moved our seats. And then I started crying at a restaurant! With my husbands whole family! Because I just dont want to be here!! I just want to go home! I’m so tired!! I dont know when I slept last and I haven’t drank any water in a day and im hungry and my head hurts and I want my cats and my bed! And the idea of the flight back is so torturous I literally can’t think about it.

coping with the fact that I’m more depressed than I have been in a long time by just yelling out “who can relate? woo!” from that logic song.

It’s pretty unfortunate when you find a medication that really really helps a lot and you finally experience what it’s like to not feel constantly anxious and sad and on the verge of tears and it works great for a year and then suddenly it stops working even after upping the dose.

NONE of my clothes fit except baggy tshirts and sweatshirts and leggings and sweatpants and I’m about to lose it.