A.K.

BUT. I’m so scared at how people are gonna react. It’s not really socially acceptable to have more than 2 kids. I have 3 because my second pregnancy was identical twins.

But like to have a fourth… What are people gonna say? I don’t want our baby to have a negative reception right out the gate let alone at all.

I just…. I’m scared. I want this so bad but I’m scared and I have no one to talk to and if I did try to talk to someone about it I would just be repeating myself constantly and bothering them.

I have friends that are extremely supportive. And the VERY FEW I’ve told are excited for us and hope we get lucky and are able to expand our family. But I don’t want to bother them by constantly talking about it.

But it’s 2:14am and I just need to let some stuff out…

We have 3 kids. All of them were complete surprises. I had a miscarriage after I was assaulted and then was told I couldn’t have kids. So when I married my husband he married me knowing we’d never have a family even though he’s always wanted as many kids as possible.

Fast forward we get pregnant with our first. It was terrifying. He had a birth defect that they had to do surgery on within the first 24 hours of exiting me. We had a NICU stay.

Then we got pregnant with twins. Also terrifying. They also had some complications and had a NICU stay. And now we are looking at both of them getting surgery for the same thing because they too have birth defects.

We’re in the best place we’ve ever been though. We’re the strongest and happiest we’ve ever been.

My husband is supposed to get a vasectomy soon. So we decided for the first time ever we’re gonna actually try to have another baby before he gets snipped.

We’re both scared but also really hopeful and kind of excited. All our kids so far are boys so we’re really hoping if we get pregnant that it’ll be a girl.

I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’m really scared of the feedback we’ll get. This would be our fourth child. And all three of the others have had birth defects and NICU stays. Plus my pregnancies have been extremely difficult. That and I have schizophrenia so being off my meds and stuff is very serious. AND we just moved over 1,200 miles away from our entire support system. So we’re totally alone in this.

We know the risks. But we want this so bad. And if it doesn’t happen before he gets his vasectomy then it wasn’t meant to be. But we really want to try before it happens. And I just really want my family and friends to be happy for us if it does happen.

My family has always been really supportive and loving to every addition that’s been made. They’ve never made us feel like we screwed up by having any of our kids, so I really think they’d be supportive of this one too. They’ll just be upset because they’re so far away from us. My husband’s mom will probably try to come stay with us because unlike my mom she’s retired and could do that. And that part I definitely don’t want because we don’t get along that well. But when it comes down to it the help would probably be nice.

I don’t know. I’m really nervous and excited and scared. But I think most of all I’m scared that it won’t happen. I’ve never wanted a baby like this before. Like with my other kids I was so terrified finding out I was pregnant it took a lot of my pregnancy before I got excited. But with this… I’m not even pregnant and I want it so bad…