The dating part of polyamory
So much discussion of polyamory emphasizes relationships, because, well, those of us who identify as polyamorous care about relationships and we want to distinguish ourselves from thoseĀ āotherā non-monogamous folks who areĀ āonlyā interested in sex (never mind the fact that those two groups seem to overlap and cross over quite a bit). Iāve been in some relationships, but a lot of my 2.5 years as a polyamorist have been spent dating. I like relationshipping much better than dating, but you canāt get to the relationship part unless you date. Sometimes I feel a bit alienated by all of the pictures of smiling triads and quads and assertions of how great relationships are when you know how to communicate poly-style. The truth is that poly-dating is almost exactly the same slog as traditional monogamous dating, and most of the sameĀ ābest practiceā advice applies. There arenāt any shortcuts. You donāt get an insta-relationship just because you both share philosophical beliefs about sex and monogamy. And it can take a while to find a good match, just like in the traditional monogamous single life. So, in the interest of showing another side of polyamory, I thought Iād share my current approach to dating, as informed by trial and error, self-help literature, and my therapist.
-One first date per week only, and itās a quick date, like coffee, lunch, or cocktails. Nothing romantic or lengthy.
-When meeting people online, do some messaging first to weed out weirdos and dealbreakers
-I donāt accept a date I am not enthusiastic about. It makes me grumpy.
-Schedule me time, primary relationship date time, and family time before first dates and new partners
-I have sex whenever I feel like it, and whenever it feels right, knowing sex =/= intimacy or commitment. (If sexĀ ātoo earlyā can ruin a relationship, it wasnāt meant to be.)
-I try not to text too much. As much as I enjoy texting, if you start off texting all the time, at some point it will taper off, and it will feel likeĀ āsomething is wrongā even though all that happened was that two adults who have a life donāt really have time to text all day.
-No long distance online flirting beyond a four-hour radius. (Aka Chicago) I am not a jetsetter.
-If there seems to be mutual interest, and the other party hasnāt followed up (they almost always doāit seems to be a guy thing), I will follow up. But Iām too damn old to chase people who are not that into me.
-I have a first date uniform. I realized it was the perfect combination of comfortable, pretty, sexy, andĀ ānot trying too hard.ā Plus, I can wear it home, get drunk, and pass out fully dressed if things go badly. No one ever gets a first date with me twice, so I havenāt been caught yet.
-I carry my own condoms, in two sizes because Iām allergic to latex. And because Iām a grown up.
-I enjoy first kisses, but I havenāt learned how to initiate them, ever. Fish lips, maybe?
-I stick with my plans, I donāt cancel dates, I donāt ditch friends because a boy called me, and I donāt hold my calendar openĀ ājust in case.ā No one is that special.
-Iām stuck with mostly meeting people through OKCupid, because polyamorous people are hard to find otherwise, but I do try to make it to one or two poly-friendly events per month, to meet new people face to face.
-Equal effort and investment are crucial for second, third, and later dates. Allowing dating partners to initiate contact, make plans, and do emotional labor rather than making it all easy for them shows me who they are sooner rather than later.
-Itās important to deal with rejection issues.
-Believe people the first time when they show you who they are
-Shared values are more important than shared interests. Actions are more important than words.
-Try not to be too cynical and donāt punish new people for the sins of previous douchebags.
Dating can become like a part time job if you let it, so breaks, self care, and quality time with friends is important. Even one healthy relationship is a lot of work, and one unhealthy or actually toxic relationship is utterly exhausting. Iād rather beĀ āpoly singleā and dating judiciously than in a bad relationship, and I reserve my commitment for those that earn it by showing strength of character, consistency, and integrity through an unrushed getting-to-know-you process. I prefer to define my polyamorous identity by my openness to multiple relationships, rather than the number of relationships Iām currently involved in or by the quality of time I spend with relative strangers.
kaledo-art
annaxmalina
jbbartram-illu
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
stormborns
gummygunk
