when you blink open your eyes, the room is dimly lit. it’s silent save for the sounds of your labored breathing.

you must’ve passed out. one second johnny— a man you’d known for years—was slicing into your skin with a knife. the next, you’re staring into an empty room.

your hands jerk up involuntarily. still bound. the rope holding them to the arms of the chair have rubbed them raw. the skin is bright red and bloody. it makes you grit your teeth.

you look down at your lap, taking inventory of the parts of your body you can see. large gashes break up the fabric of your tac pants. the blood surrounding the deep wounds is dry and crusty.

one of the cuts looks like it’s getting infected. you swear you can see bone.

you’d taken this kind of suffering before. been capture by enemies, held and tortured and pushed to the brink of death. this was different. this was being done by your team. men you’d bled with. cried with. laughed with.

one you’d even slept with. the same one you loved. the one you called yours.

the door to the room swung open, hitting the wall with a metal thud. your head slowly lifts, eyes squinting to see him. by his stature, you know it’s simon.

he doesn’t bother shutting the door behind him. instead, he walks towards you slowly. as he comes closer, can make out his eyes in the sea of dark paint he smears around them. the same paint you’d helped him apply a time or two.

“back for more?” you say, and it’s meant to sound sarcastic, but all it sounds like is pitiful. your voice cracks, and pain seeps into your tone.

the first rule they’d taught you about scenarios like this was to never let the enemy know it’s working. never let them know that they’re hurting you— that they’re slowly wearing down your defenses.

well, you’d just broken that rule, and you hadn’t even meant to.

you didn’t know how long you’d been tied up, subjected to torture by men you had once called your family. all because a fucking liar whispered your name into their ears. all because they fucking believed it.

apparently the years meant nothing to them. to him, least of all, considering he’d done more damage to you than the rest of them.

simon comes to a stop in front of you. his hands are empty by his sides, but that’s not reassuring. there’s a table full of weapons off to the side. he would have his pick of the litter.

“ready to talk yet?” he says, and his voice is gruff. his tone is hollow. he’s speaking to you the same way he’d spoken to countless enemies. it makes you sick.

“fuck you, simon,” you spit out.

the betrayal of john, gaz, and johnny had hurt. but simon’s betrayal? that was enough to almost put you in the ground.

you’d stopped pleading with them the second they tied you to the chair. now, you were angry. furious. rage filled your veins, and if you weren’t beaten to all hell, you’d find a way out of these fucking restraints and strangle the man in front of you to death.

the man you loved. you’d thought you meant something to him, but apparently not— because who tortures someone they love?

“if you talk,” he ignores your outburst. “it’ll be easier. quick.”

“fuck. you.” you enunciate the words, your jaw impossibly tight as you grit your teeth. “im not the fucking rat.”

“all the evidence,” he starts as he disappears from your vision. you know he’s going to pick his weapon of the hour. you force yourself not to shudder.

“points to you.”

“take that bullshit evidence and shove it up your ass, riley,” you seethe, ropes pulling taut as you lean forward in the chair.

he’s back in your line of sight now, brandishing a large knife.

“you’re only making it harder on yourself, love,” he tuts, and then he’s swinging the knife down, right onto one of your fingers.

you scream as the blade cuts right through skin and bone. your teeth dig into your lip, drawing blood as you refuse to give him more of a reaction. it fucking hurts, but you’ll be damned if you let yourself cry.

“feel like talking now?” he asks, watching as half of your left pinky finger falls to the floor.

“or should we take off another?”

you look up at him, hoping he can see the hatred in your eyes as you speak your next words. “you could take the fucking hand off and I’d still have nothing to tell you.”

“let’s see how true that is then, eh?” he replies, and raises the knife again. he’s about to swing, when someone comes running into the room.

“ghost!”

it’s johnny. he’s obviously winded as he stops beside simon, dropping his hands to his knees as he struggles for breath.

“what, mactavish? im busy.”

“they’re—” he gasps. “they’re not— the— rat.” he says between breaths.

the room goes impossibly still. so quiet you swear you could hear the men’s heartbeats (or maybe that pounding in your ears was your own).

“you sure?” simon’s voice is softer as he lowers the knife and turns to johnny. the younger man nods, his eyes trained on you. you can see the regret in them, the sorrow.

“it’s fucking shepard.”

it’s not funny, but at the news, you burst into laughter. the men stare at you in confusion, but you can’t stop.

you’re laughing so hard you’re crying, and they’re just standing there.

“are you alrigh’?” johnny’s asking as he moves towards you. he’s fully recovered his breath now, and he drops to a crouch to be eye level with you.

you don’t answer— you can’t. you keep laughing. distantly, you hear the knife simon was holding clatter to the ground. can just make out the sound of more footsteps out in the hallway, coming towards the room.

you pass out.

when you wake up again, you’re in the infirmary. your eyes open slowly, adjusting to the bright fluorescent lights.

“easy, love,” a voice to your right drawls.

your eyes are fully open now. you look down at yourself, noticing the lack of bindings. noticing the iv taped to your arm, the stitched cuts, the black and blue bruises, the missing fingernails and missing finger.

the person sitting next to you clears his throat. that’s when you look up and meet the eyes of your captain.

your captain. the man who was supposed to lead you, to keep you safe. what a fucking joke. he’d started the damn witch hunt.

“how d’you feel?” he asks, his words soft, like he’s trying not to scare off a timid animal.

you stare at him for a beat. then two. then you’re moving, pulling the iv from your arm and shakily pushing yourself up in the bed. price is telling you to stop, reaching out to push you back down, but you slap at his hands.

“get the fuck off me!” you shout, and that takes him aback. he stops, frozen, as he watches you shift in the bed. you throw your legs over the side of it and prepare yourself to stand.

“you really shouldn’t—” he begins after he’s regained his senses, but you pay him no mind. you place your feet on the ground and start to stand. your legs wobble, almost give out, but you’re able to stand. barely.

“shut up,” you growl, stumbling forward and towards the exit. he’s moving to cut you off, and you slide him a gaze that’s sharper than a knife. “and leave me the fuck alone.”

he halts again. he seems almost scared of you— but that can’t be right. even on your best days, he would still beat you in hand-to-hand combat.

he’s not scared of your threats or your frail body. he’s scared of what he’s done to you.

just then, johnny and gaz come through the infirmary doors.

“cap, y’alright? we heard yellin’—” johnny begins, but his mouth snaps shut at the sight of you out of bed.

you’re heaving from your spot next to the bed. your legs are shaking violently, threatening to give out any second. you feel nauseous and numb.

“let’s get you back into bed,” gaz says, and he starts towards you, but you stop him as your gaze snaps to his.

“don’t come any fucking closer. any of you.”

“bonnie,” johnny murmurs. he sounds miserable, but you don’t care. don’t give a fuck about how any of them feel.

“don’t. im leaving,” you grunt out, moving a foot forward slowly. you’d be damned if you fell in front of them.

“you can’t, love. you’re in no shape to be walking.” john says, and you snarl.

“and whose fault is that?”

the men stay silent as they watch you slowly shuffle towards the foot of the bed. you’re bracing yourself to walk on your own when simon walks in.

“get back in bed,” his tone is blunt. you ignore him.

you remove your hand from the bed, move to take a step forward without support, and you begin to crumple to the floor.

simon moves forward, quick as a cat, and catches you. he lifts you into his arms bridal style, and you’re screaming hysterically. your limbs are flailing the best they can in such a battered state. you’re in fight-or-flight mode, your body betraying your desire to put up a steely front.

your palms slap against simon’s upper body and his masked face. he gives no reaction. he doesn’t say anything. the others are watching the exchange silently. the room is buzzing with tension.

“get off me!” you screech, landing a slap to simon’s cheek. “let me— let me go! let me go!” you’re gasping for breath, tears streaming down your cheeks. you’re panicking. your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest.

“put me down! get— get— off me! stop—” you sob.

the doctor rushes into the room then, yelling at the men for allowing you out of bed. you can’t make out what she’s saying over the rush of blood in your ears. you feel light-headed. you can’t breathe.

“put them down, now!” the doctor yells at simon. “they’re having a panic attack— I thought I told you four to stay away from them? they’re too vulnerable right now—” the doctor is chastising them as simon places you back in the bed.

spots are dancing in your vision. you don’t even feel it when the doctor sticks another needle into your arm. the words being exchanged above your head are muffled. it’s like you’re underwater.

john’s face comes into view, then johnny’s, then gaz’s. as your eyes start to close, you notice the only face you don’t see again is simon’s.

when you wake up again, it’s been two weeks.

the doctor had put you into a medically induced coma to allow your more serious wounds time to heal, without risking another episode. unbeknownst to you, the members of your team had stayed by your bedside almost the entire time— minus simon. he hadn’t come within ten feet of the infirmary since the day of your panic attack.

there’s fresh flowers on the bedside table. a steady beeping of the heart monitor. a fuzzy feeling in your head.

it feels like a dream, all of it does. none of it feels real as you settle into your body again. but then the hurt starts, and you remember the truth.

your family betrayed you. your lover betrayed you. they locked you up and tortured you. they didn’t believe you.

when the doctor came to your side to check your iv, she smiled.

“how’re you feeling?”

you look up at her, and it takes a moment for you to speak.

“don’t,” you begin. your mouth feels like it’s full of cotton. “don’t let them…in here. don’t…wanna see them.”

the doctor nods in understanding, and she doesn’t say anything else to you. she turns and walks out of the room.

the door clicks shut behind her. she lets out a sigh before turning around to face the three men.

“they don’t want to see you.” she tells them, and their expressions drop. they don’t protest, and like wounded puppies, they walk off.

no one else comes to check on you for a few hours.

you’re in and out of consciousness— can’t tell what’s real and what’s a dream. flashes of your torture come back to you. flashes of a smile. of a scarred face. of hands on your hips and—

you crack your eyes open, and the room is dark. the only light is the blinking of some of the machines. it illuminates the room enough to allow you to see a large, dark figure slip from the room. the door clicks shut so quietly it’s almost imperceptible.

that’s when you notice fresh flowers on the bedside table.

your eyes start to droop once more, and you chalk up whatever you just saw to a dream, while simon exhales heavily on the other side of the infirmary door.

————————————————

authors note:

I hope this alright! it’s one in the morning (and I’m half asleep writing this) so I apologize for the errors that are most likely present, and the sense this most likely lacks. I feel like I could write a whole book about this idea, but im cutting myself off to sleep lol.

Simon paused for a moment and stared at you. His eyes narrowed at you, as you attempted to pay him no mind. You feigned ignorance as you turned to address him. 

“Everything okay, babe?”

He said nothing in reply, only continued to stare at you, crossing his arms.

"Simon?" You swallowed thickly. He was doing his best to intimidate you, and you'd be lying if you said it wasn't working.

He didn't take his eyes away from yours, as his brow furrowed slightly, giving you a menacing stare.

The two of you stood like that for the better part of two minutes, before you relented on your little prank. “Okay okay! Enough of that staring, it's creepy. I love you too Simon.”

“Damn fucking right you do.” He gave a satisfied smirk, before leaving.

Johnny Soap MacTavish-

“So just milk, right?” Johnny had asked, as he unbuckled his seat belt. The two of you were in the supermarket parking lot. Johnny had offered to go in quickly, as you only needed one thing.

“Yep, thanks babe!” You smiled, before looking back to your phone.

“Alright. Be right back. I love you.” He pressed a kiss to your cheek before opening the car door.

He was halfway out the door, when he realized you weren’t planning on saying it back. “I love you.”

You looked up from your phone, the same smile still plastered on your face. “I know, thanks again!”

Johnny's face held a look of astonishment, as he moved to tickle at your sides. You squirmed in your seat, a fit of giggles erupting from your lips. “I SAID, I LOVE YOU, DAMNIT!”

You squealed as he continued his attack on your sides, before gasping out “I love you too Johnny!”

“There we go, lass. Was that so hard?” He had a mischievous smirk lining his lips. He pulled away his arms and crossed them against his chest arrogantly. 

“Screw you Johnny.” You chuckled, throwing an empty water bottle you found on the floor at him. 

“You love me though, you just said it yourself.” He quipped before stepping out of the car fully. “Next time you pull that shite with me, you’ll be in for worse than tickles."

König-

You’d seen the various tik toks, of lovers not telling their partners they loved them back, and were curious to see how your boyfriend König would react.

"Hey, Kö. I'll be back in just a bit, going out for a drink with Kate." You pressed a kiss to your husband's cheek. 

König tore his eyes away from the computer screen, and gave you a small smile. "Have a good time, Maus, I love you." 

"Thanks babe!" You bit your lip slightly, trying to prevent yourself from ruining the prank.

You turned after giving him a half smile and made your way to the bar. 

König sat in silence for a moment after you left, reflecting. Had he done something wrong? Why didn't you say it back?

He started to feel terrible and tried to think of what he could've done to upset you. Nothing came to mind immediately, but König knew he had to do something to make it up to you, whatever he'd done. 

He set out your silky pajamas on the bed, and got out the makings for a bubble bath, as he awaited your text alerting him you were on your way home. 

Later that night, as you walked through your front door, you were immediately hit with an aroma of lavender. You recognized it right away as the bubble bath you loved so much. "Kö? Baby, I'm home."

You made your way up to the bathroom, to find your boyfriend hunched over the tub, checking the temperature of the water. "Schat! You're home!" 

You lifted your brows in question as you took in the scene before you. "What's this?"

"Oh.. I wanted to make it up to you for making you upset. Water is ready for you." He gestured to the bubble filled tub, not fully meeting your eyes. 

"Wait.. upset with you? Why would I be upset with you?"

"Well…earlier.. you didn't say it back. So I thought I'd done something.. wrong." He looked down to his feet. 

You couldn't help the small chuckle that emitted. "König, no! No, no, that was some stupidly horribly prank, I wasn't mad at you. Gosh, now I feel terrible! I love you so much, baby." 

You dropped your purse and moved to wrap your arms around his waist. König let out a deep breath as he chuckled. "I love you too, Maus. Now get in this bath. I believe I'm the one who's owed a massage now."

John Price-

You and Price were cuddled on the couch together, his fingers tracing your sides softly. 

"I love you, Y/N." He said, pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

You turned to him and gave a warm smile before turning back to your TV show. 

Price blinked a few times, realizing you weren't planning on saying it back. He gave your side a playful pinch, causing you to let out a shriek. "I said, I love you. Nothing to say in return?" 

"Oh! How silly of me. Thank you sweetheart." You turned to your husband and batted your eyelashes at him sweetly.

Price looked exasperated at your words, his mouth dropping open slightly. "Oh hell no." 

He grabbed your waist, and threw you over his shoulder, making his way up the stairs to your bedroom. 

"Wait wait! I'm sorry, I love you too!" You called out, trying to squirm from his grasp. 

"Too late for that, sweetheart. Now get on all fours on the bed like a good girl." Price said as he threw you onto the bed. The slap that came down on your ass cheek told you that you'd be in for quite the night. 

Kyle Gaz Garrick-

"I miss you, babe." Kyle's voice came through your cell phone. "I'll be home soon enough though."

"Unless it's yesterday, it's not soon enough." You chuckled, picking at some chipped paint in your kitchen table. "I miss you too."

"Well I gotta get going, I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I love you so much Y/N."

Your cheeks started to heat up at the sincerity of his words. "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Night Ky."

You hung up the call and let out a giggle. You'd seen the tik toks dozens of times where people didn't say I love you back and were curious to see what Kyle's reaction would be. 

Sure enough, seconds after you'd hung up. Kyle's name appeared on your phone. He was calling back. 

"Hey, are you all good?" You asked as you answered the call.  

"No, I'm not all good." Kyle huffed in mock annoyance. "Forgetting something?"

"Oh? Is it our anniversary? I could've sworn that it was next month."

Kyle let out an amused chuckle. "Seriously, babe. I love you."

Unable to continue on with your little prank you relented. "I love you too Kyle, always."

"Good girl, now we can hang up properly."

Alejandro-

"Thank you so much for putting all this together, mi amor. The guys are grateful too." Alejandro pressed a kiss to your hand as he gathered the freshly made food from the counter. "I love you."

You were currently hosting a few members of Los Vaqueros at your home to watch a soccer game, and had just cooked up a few entrees to satiate their hungry bellies. 

"Of course, let me clean up and I'll come out in a moment." You turned back to the dishes in the sink, before hearing the dishes being set on the counter behind you.

"What, you not love me too?" Alejandro asked, coming up behind you, pulling you into him. He nipped your ear playfully, causing you to giggle. 

You squirmed in his firm grip as he continued to talk, mocking your voice. "Oh Alejandro. I love you too, you're the best husband in the whole world."

You erupted in a fit of laughter as he began squeezing at your sides. " I. Love. You. Too." You wheezed out. 

"Now was that so hard?" He teased, pressing a kiss to your jaw. 

He took your hand leading you into the family room, and stopped abruptly when all the men in the room started chanting out, "We love you too, Alejandro!"

Rodolfo-

"Okay babe, I'm headed out to the store, I'll be back in an hour or so." You called out to your husband, who came to walk you to the door.

"Alright, let me know when you're on your way back, and I'll get dinner started. Drive safe, I love you." He gave you a chaste kiss as you opened the front door.

"Thanks love, see you in a bit!" You smiled before walking out to your car. 

Rodolfo moved to the door before realizing you hadn't said you loved him back. He quickly grabbed his sandals and ran out to your car.

You were just about to pull away, when your husband came running up to the driver's side window. He knocked on it, letting you know to roll it down. 

"Yes? Forget to add something to the list?" You turned to him, your brows furrowed.

"No, but you forgot something." He waited expectantly for you to reply, but you sat confused. 

"I love you, Y/N." He repeated, putting emphasis on his words. 

You let out a giggle, a smile breaking on your face. "I love you too, sappy bastard. Now move or I'll run over your toes."

You gave him a peck before pulling away. Rodolfo shook his head, laughing to himself. He got himself one spicy partner.

He couldn't help but visit you in the infirmary, just to see how you were after everything you went through. “I heard what happened. I'm sorry,” he said quietly as he stopped next to your bed.

“It's okay, I guess,” you replied, earning a questioning look. “I mean, I didn't even know about it until now.”

“Did you tell the father?”

You shook your head at this. “No. I'm sure he's busy, and it doesn't matter now, does it?”

“Who is he?” Ghost knew it was none of his business, but he needed to know.

“It doesn't matter.”

“So it's either a one-night-stand you're ashamed of, or someone I know.” As he watched your reaction, he realized that what he said was spot on. “Or both.”

You nodded, then thought about the answer for a moment. “It's König,” you said quietly.

König? There was only one person he knew with that name. “That big Austrian guy from KorTac?” he asked.

“Exactly.”

“Hmm.” This surprised him. He was expecting someone from the team, but from KorTac? “He's your type?” he asked, the filter between his brain and mouth temporarily malfunctioning.

You shrugged. “I don't even know.”

“What? I guessed you two–”

“We're not, it only happened once,” you interrupted him.

Nodding, he folded his arms over his chest and thought about it. “So you know what's under his sniper hood.”

“Maybe,” you told him with a small smile.

“He was irresponsible if he let you see his face.”

“What? If it was you, you would have fucked me with the mask on?”

“I wouldn't,” he began, ready to tell you he would never do something like this. If he ever slept with you, he would do it as Simon, the one without the mask, not as Ghost. “I should go. You need to rest.”

You didn't say anything to that, only looked down into your lap then went, “I'm sorry.”

Ghost turned back from the door. “Sorry for what?” he asked.

“For everything.”

Letting out a sigh, Ghost returned to your bed and sat on the edge of the mattress next to you. “There's nothing to apologize for,” he began to say, taking your hand in his instinctively. “You're going through a lot, it's okay to be upset and snap at people.”

But you shook your head. “No, it's not okay. And you're my higher up, I should choose my words carefully when talking to you,” you said.

“Listen, if you want me to get in touch with König, if you want to talk to him about what happened, just tell me and I'll do it.”

“I don't want to talk to him. He's not the one I need now,” you were quick to say.

Ghost wondered what you meant. Who was this person you were talking about? “We have a therapist at the base, I can get you an appointment.”

But you only shook your head and looked down at his hand that was still holding yours. Did it mean you wanted him to let go? Did it mean you were talking about him? No, why would you talk about him like that? Why would you even think about him this way?

Your gaze turned to him, eyes looking for his in a desperate attempt to get him to understand the silent message. But Ghost had absolutely no idea what you were trying to tell him, or at least he wasn't sure he was ready to accept it just yet.

“Can you stay here with me for a little longer?” you asked when you understood that he was still uncertain.

You don’t know how it all started.

How your relationship with Kokonoi came to be.

Nor do you know how the two of you ended up like this.

Dragging your feet, you let out a sigh as you receive another email about the future regulations for the upcoming business that Mikey’s making you oversee.

Normally, you wouldn’t be so out of it, managing to keep everything under control and staying on top of your game, but after so many problems that you had to fix due to your co-workers (mainly Sanzu), you’re now left exhausted. Wanting nothing more but to destress with Kokonoi for the night even after Sanzu asked you to go out drinking with him tonight as an apology.

You don’t think you even have the energy to eat dinner.

That’s why you’re glad that when you do get home, Kokonoi is already waiting for you, his eager hands trailing down your back as he pulls you to the bedroom. Hastily removing your suit as he ravages your lips, tongue eagerly prying your lips open as he pushes you to the soft mattress that you share every night. Quickly discarding you of your clothes as he laps at your skin, deft fingers making their way between your legs, prepping you for what’s to come.

It only takes a few more minutes until Kokonoi enters you, his head pressed against your neck as he moans. His hands hold your legs by your chest as he starts thrusting.

Each thrust successfully relieves you of your stress as you let yourself loose, moans spilling from your mouth as you pull him closer to you, lips pressed against his jaw, hands clawing at his back as he continues to thrust into.

“Haji-Hajime, faster! Faster please!”

Your skin feels like it’s burning from the way Kokonoi’s obliterating you. It’s so different from the other times that you did it with him. He’s kissing you more, hands travelling the expanse of your body, leaving open mouthed kisses on your neck as he lets out a relieved sigh.

It makes your body shiver from the intense pleasure when he starts playing with your puffy clit. Your eyes involuntarily shuts as tears start prickling your eyes from the overwhelming feeling between your thighs, hand desperately holding onto his wrist, unsure whether you want him to stop or go faster.

“Akane, you feel so good.”

…

Akane, you feel so good.

Akane, you feel so good.

Akane.

Akane.

Akane.

Akane.

AKANE, YOU FEEL SO GOOD.

It only takes a few seconds for your world to come crashing down on you.

It feels like you’re suffocating.

You can’t breathe.

You can’t think.

You can’t feel anything besides the stabbing feeling in your chest.

It hurts so bad that you can’t help but cry.

You can’t help but sob.

You can’t help but push Kokonoi away from you, forcefully kicking him away.

You watch as he looks at you with such a bewildered look like he didn’t just moan someone else’s name. He looks at you like YOU are the one who’s done him wrong.

“Akane, what the fu-” As if only realizing what he said, his eyes widens, lips parting as he gapes at your crying form by the bed, naked body shaking from the onslaught of distress taking over you.

You’re not sure what to do.

You’re so confused.

Everything feels like it’s swallowing you whole. Everything feels like it’s about to burn you.

Clutching onto the bed sheets, you cover yourself with the cloth, slowly standing up in order to get to the bathroom though it seems Kokonoi doesn’t plan on letting you go that easy.

“Love, please-”

In your chest, you feel something break. It sends a painful throb through your body that if you weren’t in so much pain already, you would’ve started crying. Pressing a hand onto your chest, you look down on your feet, watching as the carpeted floor catches your incoming tears, sight getting blurry as Kokonoi walks closer to you.

He holds onto your shoulder though you flinched away, his touch burning your skin.

“I’m sorry, lov-”

“Say my name.” You whisper, still looking on your feet, afraid to see his face right now.

“What the, why? Please, love. I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Say my name, Kokonoi. Just... say my name. Please.” Your voice breaks as you try your best to control your tears.

You’re only standing in front of him and yet, it feels like he just shot you straight in the head. It feels like you’ve just died. It feels like he’s burned you to the ground.

“Y/N...” Kokonoi whispers your name, complying to your request but it only makes the pain worse.

It only makes you want to run away from him when he whispers your name again.

“I’m not Akane, Kokonoi. I’m not her.” You look up at him, teary eyes meeting him as you remind him of who you’re not. “I’m not her. I’m not Akane.”

“I know you’re not. It was just a mistake- I love you Y/N.”

“How can it be a mistake when you said her name twice?! How am I supposed to believe what you’re saying Kokonoi?!” Something finally snaps in you as you start screaming at him, tears still falling down your cheeks as you tell him your thoughts, hands beating on his chest as you cry.

Tightly gripping onto your wrist, he forces you to stare at him through your tears. “It’s not my fucking fault if you can’t trust me! You’re always taking up so much of my time, always begging me to spend time with you when you know I’m busy! Then when I make a tiny mistake, you berate me like it’s the end of the fucking world-”

Scoffing at his words, you push him away.

“How can you call that a tiny mistake when you just moaned your dead lover’s name?! How is that a tiny mistake Kokonoi?! Kokonoi, you’re always so fucking distant unless I approach you myself, you’re always so fucking in your head, thinking about Akane and your past that you don’t even have time to think of me! Can’t you think of me or are you too busy thinking of Akane?! Is she the only thing running in your head?!”

Groaning, Kokonoi runs his hands through his hair, frustration rolling off in waves as he steps away from you. “You know why I’m like this? You know why I’m so distant?! It’s because you’re an insecure bitch who can’t even handle a few hours by herself! How do you think I feel when you’re always clinging onto me?! How do you think I feel when you’re always spouting shit about me not loving you just because you’re fucking insecure-”

“I’m insecure because of you! I’m insecure because I know that I can never be on the same level as Akane was even though she’s dead! I’m insecure because I know even though I’ve been with you for 10 years, even though I’ve loved you with all I had for 10 fucking years, you still can’t love me like how I love you! I still can’t have you to myself because you’re still so fucking caught up with a dead girl-”

Your voice cuts short when you feel a harsh sting on your cheek. Head whipping to the side from the sudden force.

Biting your lip in order to stop yourself from crying out, you hang your head low, hoping that this will be enough to prevent him from seeing more tears fall from your cheeks.

“Don’t talk about Akane like you know her! Don’t fucking compare yourself to her ‘cause she’ll always be better than you! I love Akane ‘cause she’s not like you. She doesn’t fucking force words into my mouth! She doesn’t fucking cry about tiny fucking mistakes! She’s not fucked up like you! If you want me to love you, then be like Akane. Be like her! Maybe then I can start thinking about loving you!”

It hurts so bad.

Everything hurts.

So. Fucking. Bad.

You just want to crawl up into a ball and cry.

You just want to be alone.

You just want everything to end now.

You just want to forget about everything and crumble to the ground.

Silently, you walk to the bathroom, leaving Kokonoi in the bedroom as you quickly dress yourself through the tears. Even with the shake in your hand, you force yourself to look nice. Putting makeup over the blossoming bruise on your cheek from his slap earlier.

You’re not even sure why you even bother when you know that the club’s lighting will successfully hide the bruise.

Giving yourself one last look, you try to smile, forcing the corner of your lips upwards but it only looks pathetic. With your still puffy eyes and red nose, it’s so obvious that you’ve been crying. It’s so obvious that you shouldn’t go out right now, but you don’t think you can stay in this house tonight. Not when Kokonoi is clearly by the door of the bathroom, waiting for you to come out.

Talking to him will only make you feel worse. You’re sure of it.

And so, with a deep breath, you force a mask of indifference onto your face before opening the door and stepping out, immediately greeted by the sight of a still pissed off Kokonoi.

“Where the fuck are you going?!” Forcefully holding onto your wrist, it almost feels like you’re about to sprain it from how hard he’s holding onto you, but alas, you’re not about to stay in this house and argue with him any longer.

You’ve had a long day.

And he had just made it worse.

You deserve a night out, right?

Get things working in your head. See how you can possibly solve this shitty relationship you have with him. What’s a better way than drinking and drugging yourself up for the night?

So, with a glare directed at him, you pull your hand away from him and start heading for the front door, Kokonoi hot in your heels as he tries to make you stop.

You’re by the front door already, putting on some heels, when Kokonoi finally manages to get a word out of you. “What the fuck are you planning? Going out like that? What? You’re about to whore yourself out to other people because we had a fight? Is that it?! You can’t even listen to what I have to say, eh?!”

The sound coming from your palm meeting his face silences the room. His stunned face staring right at you as you give him a blank look. “I’m about to make myself more like Akane. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Without letting him speak, you storm out of the door, immediately taking your phone out from your purse to call Sanzu.

It takes a while for him to answer, you’re already halfway out of the garage when you hear the irritatingly loud background music coming from the club. “Y/N? Why are you calling? Need something?” You can already tell that he’s halfway through the night already, voice slurred accompanied by the out of place giggles leaving his mouth.

“What club are you in? I’m on my way.”

“Oh~?”

The moment you step inside the club, the storm inside your head blends in with the incomprehensible noise inside. It makes you feel at ease now that you’re forced out of your mind’s inner destruction.

Making your way to the VIP lounge, you’re instantly met with Sanzu waiting for you, a glass already being handed to you the moment you take a seat beside him.

Without any greeting, you down the glass along with a few more refills before you’re putting down the glass and relaxing your body on the plush couch, body buzzing from the strong alcohol. Closing your eyes, you bask in the silence that Sanzu’s offering you, your co-worker sensing your unease which only makes him more curious as to what has happened in the short amount of time that you weren’t with him after work.

“You good there, princess? Seems like Mikey just made you handle another case.” He jokes around before popping a pill in his mouth, a sigh leaving him as he watches your still form.

Cracking your neck, you take a sip from your glass.

Turning your head to the side, you watch as he plays with the bottle of pills, shaking it a little before taking out another from his pocket.

Sensing your staring, he raises a brow. “Don’t tell me you’re interested in popping pills now, girlie. They’re not for free, y’know?”

Rolling your eyes, you finish your glass before setting it down, staring at the bottle in front of you, considering if you can handle another shot in such a short time. But alas, your thinking is cut short when you see Sanzu taking the bottle away from you.

“You’re drinking a little too fast today, mind telling me what’s going on in that fucked up mind of yours?” He chuckles at his words when he sees you lean on your knees.

Fucked up.

Those words again.

“Haruchiyo.”

He stops his chuckling after you mention his name. Sobering up a little after finally realizing that you’re serious.

“Am I really fucked up?”

A snort leaves his mouth before leaning closer to you, setting the bottle of pills on the table in front of you before tapping your cheek with his palm. “Y/N, you must have forgotten, but everyone in Bonten is fucked up. We’re all crazy here. We wouldn’t survive if we weren’t. We’ll all go fucking insane if we weren’t already.”

If everyone is fucked up here, then why did Kokonoi have to pinpoint it to you and only you?

You’re fucked up.

He’s fucked up.

Your whole relationship with him is fucked up.

So why is he making it seem like you’re the one who ruined it all?

Leaning back on the couch once more, you let out a loud sigh, fingers itching to take another sip of your drink now that your thoughts are clearing up and bringing up the dreaded memory of the earlier fight.

“Princess, you’re really ruining the mood with all that sighing. You can at least tell me what happened y’know? Maybe I can even give you some for free if you make me concerned enough.” He shakes his bottle again, dark blue eyes looking so dark under the red lights.

Licking your lips, you tilt your head to the side to stare at him. “Kokonoi called me Akane while he was fucking me earlier.”

Sanzu’s eyes widened before sucking in a breath through his teeth, shaking his head in disappointment. “No wonder you’re so fucking depressed.” Clicking his tongue, he opens up the bottle in his hands and takes out a handful of pills. “Here, for free as compensation for Kokonoi being a dick.”

You accept the pills, giving it a stare.

Are you really going to start getting high right now? Are you really gonna be following Sanzu’s footsteps now?

“C’mon now, it’s just a one tie thing. I promise, it’s gonna make you relax for the night. Clear your head.”

Convinced by his coaxing, you close your eyes and pop all of them in your mouth. Swallowing all of it, you take a quick drink from your glass in order to wash it all down which only makes Sanzu laugh out loud.

“Damn! You’re really out here trying to black out for the night, eh? Mind telling me what happened after? You punched him? Slapped him? My god, must have been awkward.” Rolling your eyes, you stare at the ceiling, watching as the lights slowly start to swirl in your vision. Your whole body tingles, it feels like you’re losing feeling in your legs.

It feels weird.

It feels like your whole body is going numb.

It feels nice.

You can’t feel anything anymore.

You can’t feel pain right now.

“After that... we fought. We screamed at each other. He slapped me. I got dressed then slapped him before leaving.” You mumble, recalling the earlier events.

You can still feel the harsh sting on your cheek. The skin feeling heated even when your whole body is starting to feel numb. Your mind feels like it’s shutting down.

It feels like you’re trapped in a bubble, floating around in water. Your senses feel like it’s dulled down, which is why you’re caught off guard when Sanzu’s suddenly beside you, hand already hovering over your cheek as he scans your face. “He slapped you?”

His breath hits your lips. You can smell the alcohol in it, and if it weren’t for you downing half the contents of the bottle in less than half an hour, you would’ve pushed him away. But right now, all you can do is nod, tilting your head to the side to show him which cheek Kokonoi slapped.

Gently, Sanzu lays his hand on your cheek, thumb softly wiping away the makeup to reveal the purpling bruise on your cheek.

Even with your muddled mind, you can still feel the anger rolling off in waves from Sanzu, his hand now resting by the side of your head, striking blue eyes staring at the ugly bruised skin. “That bastard really did hit you…”

Pushing him away from you, you shrug. “I’ve had worse.”

“But you’ve been together for so long. He’s not supposed to hit his fucking lover.”

Snorting, you roll your eyes. “That’s rich coming from you who doesn’t even try to be in a relationship.”

“You know that I’ll gladly be in a relationship if it was with you, princess.”

Closing your eyes, you let out a sigh.

It seems you can’t take a break today.

“You know that I’m with Koko, Sanzu. I’m not about to fucking cheat on him-”

“He just fucking moaned someone else’s name while fucking you and you still insist on being loyal to that bastard?! Are you fucking insane?” You feel his hands gripping your shoulders, slightly shaking you as he does so.

But alas, you only let out a vain smile. “I want to be the better one in the relationship, okay? If we’re gonna break up, we might as well break up because of him. But I’m never gonna be the one to ruin it. Never. I need to be better than him.”

It’s quiet for a bit, with Sanzu’s hands still gripping onto you before he finally lets go after a few more seconds. A sigh can be heard from his side as you feel him plop down next to you once more.

Shuffling can be heard before he pops open the bottle once more, downing another five pills before he sees your relaxed form. “You need some more?” Nudging the bottle on your side, you nonchalantly put your palm out, not at all aware of your surroundings now that it feels like you’re about to black out.

You’re pretty sure that you’re not supposed to be drinking so much alcohol and downing so many pills in a matter of an hour.

You’ll probably die.

But you can’t stop yourself.

It feels so nice, having your mind too dead to actually think.

“What are you gonna do then? Gonna break up with him? Stay with him? What?” You can hear just how exhausted he is, a heavy sigh leaving his lips as he leans his head next to yours.

What are you going to do?

You don’t know.

You’re not sure.

You have so many things in your mind right now. But you can’t pinpoint any of them with your mind feeling all muddled. You can't quite grasp anything right now.

“I don’t know... he said that he’ll love me more if I was more like Akane... maybe I’ll do something about that…”

Scoffing, Sanzu pulls you closer to him by your waist, his hand comfortably resting by your hips. “Akane’s a goody goody who didn’t even think about killing people while you help me skin people alive on the daily. I’m pretty sure becoming more like her is impossible.”

He’s right.

Akane’s all sunshine and butterflies from what you can remember of the stories that you heard from Kokonoi.

She’s the light of his life.

The reason why he fought so hard to be who he is now.

He worked so hard for her after the incident.

He only obsessively  thought of her after the incident...

“Hm... “

Taking one last sip from your glass, you stand up, hand going through your hair as you watch the people below.

“Going already, princess?” Sanzu drawls, head lolling to the side as he watches you start walking off, fingers twitching when he feels the fabric of your dress gloss over his skin. “I can drive you home, if you want? You’re not used to driving while high…” Stumbling out of his seat, he tries to follow you down but you stop him with a hand on his chest.

“It’s fine, Haruchiyo. I can go home by myself.”

“How about Kokonoi? You’re gonna be staying with him for the night?”

Taking your phone out, you look up Kokonoi’s location.

“He’s not home right now, I think he’s at the Haitanis.” You mumble, seeing his phone a few streets away from you where the Haitanis live. Looking up, you’re met with Sanzu’s worried face.

It puts a silly smile on your lips, unfamiliar with the feeling of having someone so concerned with your wellbeing even after being in a long term relationship with Kokonoi. So, with the serenity overtaking your actions, you lean closer to Sanzu, hand going to the back of his head in order to pull him closer to you.

Your lips only brushes against his for a split second before you’re pulling away, body feeling so light that you can;t even think of the consequences of your actions as you swiftly turn on your heels, waving at a stunned Sanzu.

“Good bye, Haruchiyo.”

With that, you’re stumbling out of the club, a new feeling spreading in your body with the help of the unhealthy amount of alcohol and drugs pumping through your veins.

Swinging the door open, you carelessly toss your heels aside, feeling an excited tingle under your skin as you make sure to lock the door and the windows.

Dancing around the house as you put on some music.

Taking in a deep breath, you tiptoe around the house, making your way to the kitchen in order to turn the stove on, the quiet whistling sound unheard due to the loud music blasting in the house.

Once that’s done, you make your way to your bedroom, taking out the pretties dress that Kokonoi bought you.

Now that you look at it. It was never your style. It looks more like something Akane would wear. It perfectly compliments her eyes, it makes her look ethereal, based on the pictures that you saw in Kokonoi’s wallet.

She looks so pretty.

With her long lashes. Dainty lips. Electrifying eyes. Smooth blonde hair.

She looks so pretty that now, you can’t even blame her for how she’s got Kokonoi wrapped around her finger.

Dead or not.

Letting out a sigh, you open the bottom drawer on Kokonoi’s dresser, taking out a picture of her and setting it in front of you, getting ready to do your makeup in hopes of looking like her.

Even just a little.

So, you put on mascara and some false eyelashes.

You put on a soft shade of pink on your lips.

You curl your hair just like how her hair looks.

You put on contacts so that you can finally have the same eyes that Kokonoi always wanted to see whenever he wakes up in the morning.

Lastly, you put on the dress that was never meant for you.

By now, you can smell it in the air.

Even with your hazy mind, you can smell it. And so, you carefully stand up, hoping to not tear the dress as you make your way downstairs. Bare feet making contact with the carpeted floor as you make your way to the middle of the living room.

Pulling out a lighter, you twirl it in your hand, a serene smile making its way to your lips as you briefly press a kiss on the metal cover before flicking the wheel down, the spark from the lighter quickly becoming bigger due to the gas surrounding the room.

Tossing it towards the kitchen, you barely give the overwhelming flames a thought, too preoccupied with your plans for the night.

Closing your eyes, you put your hands in front of you, mind imagining how Kokonoi would feel if he were in front of you right now even with the heat prickling at your bare feet. You can barely feel the heat even as the frightening inferno starts crawling towards your form, dress catching on fire.

But alas, you can’t feel a thing.

So, with the music plaguing your mind, you start to dance, fingers feeling the phantom touch of Kokonoi’s built body as he twirls you around the room.

It puts a smile on your face. You have never experienced this before with Kokonoi. You have never been able to dance with him before with such serenity in mind for you’ve always been on your guard when with him. But tonight, everything feels different.

Your skin burns with every touch as you twirl on the heated floor.

It feels so dry.

You can’t feel your lips nor your tongue. Everything hurts but at the same time, you can’t feel a thing.

Unconsciously, a tear escapes your eyes but it quickly evaporates away from the heat of the room.

Finally opening your eyes, you’re met with the sight of gray and red.

Your once beautiful home is now engulfed in flames.

The expensive curtains that you bought from Italy now show you a beautiful show of reds and oranges. The fabric tearing up as the flames crawl upwards. The same goes for the furniture around you.

Bought with thousands now reduced to nothing but black soot.

And soon, you will end up the same. Just a stain on the once perfect home.

You can feel your skin peeling off from the heat. Can feel just how hot it is as you take a deep breath, the poisonous gas quickly invading your system as you walk into the kitchen, letting the fire lick at your skin as you take out a bottle of whiskey.

To celebrate your last anguish minutes.

Popping the bottle open, you silently watch as the liquid is quick to evaporate, blue fire catching your eyes as you thoughtlessly pour the liquid onto your hand. Mesmerized by the beauty of the blue hue crawling up your scarred skin.

By now, you can already feel yourself blacking out. Choking on the thick smoke that’s surrounding your figure.

You’re about to let yourself go, let the intimacy of the heat drown out your thoughts and hold you in its arms but then, the door is kicked open, a panicked Kokonoi rushing inside.

It brings a smile to your lips whne you see the concern lacing his features.

So different from earlier.

No more anger.

No more hate.

Just concern and love.

So, with footsteps so light amidst the hellfire chaos, you make your way to the middle of the living room, catching his eyes as you showcase the dress of fire that hugs your body in its intimacy.

A sob escapes his lips as you smile at him.

The sight is grotesque.

Unimaginable.

Horrific.

Kokonoi wishes that he can burn this memory away as he watches you give him such a gentle smile like you’re not burning away in front of him.

“Hajime... am I more like her now? Do you love me like how you love Akane now?”

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