blobs of thoughts

ugh it's a busy pre-christmas season with all the things i put myself into, like baking too many cookies that still need to be decorated or dipped in chocolate or choosing to handcraft a birthday present for my roomie that i have ended up procrastinating up until now (i have four days left and i'm working on three of those GAHHHH), but i feel very content. there's, a lot of socializing coming up, like roomie's birthday party (she's hosting a crime dinner, it's my first time, i'm going to be the only "new" person in the group, i'm very nervous but also very excited aaaa!), the cooking hang out i have with another friend the day after, meeting friends in the hometown while i'm there over christmas and probably going to an alumni get-together there too??? so oooof lot's of socializing but i very much look forward to it right now!

i just had a weird moment of reflection looking back on the past year. i have to say, it's been a pretty darn good year. academically? maybe not so much, but i feel like i have been making a lot of progress in adulting and just being happy with myself over 2025.

the newest and most powerful change is my weight loss, i had always been aware of how much my obesity impacted my lack of confidence in myself and my self-hatred but now that i actually have lost some weight, god, it's blatant! because now, at 70kg, i actually like looking at myself in the mirror not just in rare occasions but most of the time! i don't grimace at the way i look in pictures or in the awful lighting in changing rooms and i fit and look nice in clothes that i had deemed too small or unflattering in the past. it's just... wow, my self-esteem? skyrocketed. i am happy with 70kg but i am also still working on getting it down to 65kg to be at a healthy bmi for asians (yes, bmi is not that accurate but for someone like me who has a lot of fat and little muscle, it works better (i think?)) which has... not been working, the lowest i got was 69.8 a few weeks ago but now i'm just stuck at 70. somethings, which is totally fine!! (but it also irks me a bit... then again, i'm eating like shit so no wonder i'm unable to lose the weight) welp i'll do my best to stay strong, disciplined and i shall persevere!

i also took up running again (doing that c25k thingy) and managed to run for 23 minutes straight!! without stopping!! three kilometers!! AH it felt so amazing, three kilometers are almost 8 laps around the track in the stadium. younger me was dying after only half of a lap. i am really proud of myself. i haven't been consistent with it (ugh fucked up my foot for a while because apparently my everyday boots are ill-shaped for speed-walking/running and cause my "Fußballen"-muscles on my right foot to DIE) and it hasn't been long since i started doing it but i feel like it's an important and really positive addition to my life. in the past i never was able to just go out for a run and enjoy it, it always felt like a punishment, it was something i dreaded. i knew i wasn't athletic, i knew i couldn't keep up with the others, i knew i looked like a sweaty red faced fat mess; and that mentality really fucked with me. do i still have bouts of self-doubt now? yyeah sure, but now when i go out for a jog, i enjoy it more because i know it's good for my health, it helps me get my steps up for the day and it gets me out of the house. (and having a nice bathroom is such an important factor!!!! being able to take a refreshing shower in our fancy big walk-in shower???? ugh chef's kiss. the dingy (no offense) bathroom in my childhood home? could never) also, having the running stats on my smart watch is also very important because no matter how lazy of a person i am, getting good numbers and records is sooooo satisfying. gamified self-improvement is the best!

i didn't think i'd cry on my way back to germany but uhjfjfidjfhjg here i am crying as soon as i'm all set in my seat and see the plane moving further away from the airport building(s) though we didn't even take off at that time (!) it's def more intense bc of my period but i also just really love my mom (and my grandpa (but my mom even more, sorry grandpa))

i thought i was safe after takeoff but! the tears!! keep coming?!?!??!!! can't even listen to music properly because any song that's just a teeny tiny bit sad or not even sad, being about feelings is enough, makes ME EMOTIONAL GOD FUCK WHAT THE HELL

started calorie counting and eating in a deficit again end of may and i'm so happy to be seeing the results after two months. even though i don't feel like my physical appearance changed much... my face is a biiit smaller/less puffy though!

and in the past few days i've been able to look at myself in the mirror and think 'damn, you're so pretty.' and that's truly the best feeling.

i'm hoping to be able to lose a bit more and enter the healthy bmi range (ik it doesn't say much about your actual state of health but as someone who has been in the 'overweight' spectrum for most of my life, seeing a change there would be so amazing)

i have the urge to elaborate more on calorie counting so i don't fall off the wagon two weeks into it

not eating things that would completely destroy my caloric budget is really hard but in the end for the better. before i started counting, i'd been eating so much processed food bc i was lazy and didn't wanna cook. i still consume a lot of sodium (imo) but still, i def eat less unhealthy fats and more veggies and protein overall. the airfryer has been tempting me to buy things like mozz sticks and vegan nuggets but I'M STAYING STRONG.

as of now i'm at 81,5 kg which is not bad, i'm using lose it! to keep track of everything and because i got the body weight scale after i started counting calories, the starting weight is just an estimate and that really annoys me. the day i got the scale (three days after i started), i weighted in at 86kgs but that was after eating two meals so it def wasn't my "actual" weight. these days i always weigh-in in the morning after a morning pee poo sesh. i think i did shave off 2 kgs tho (might also just be water weight tho, no idea). i'm excited to see better results after sticking to it for a month!

oh also, i just really want my face to clear up, the pimples and red spots around my nose and mouth and forehead are so annoying orz

life has been okay, i've been having a rough time with uni and my progress has been stagnant because i've been overwhelmed with things i've yet to catch up on and i've procrastinated studying so much (which is not good). i need to pass two exams this sem to keep receiving the state funding so that's not stressful at all ;;;;; oh well, i'll keep trucking on!!

i've spent a whole lot (of my earned money from work!!!!) on new household items (got a mech keyboard and it sounds SO GOOOOOD). most recent purchase was an airfryer and a body scale from xiaomi. my roomie's intermediate tenant had an airfryer and i got curious because she used it a lot and it seemed useful. and YES it's absolutely awesome bc it's basically a small oven. i've been using it everyday since i got it hahaha it's also made dieting (yes i started counting calories again) much easier bc i can make roasted vegetables for every meal!

as for counting calories, i really wanna take off 10 kgs to 1. get into a healthier range 2. fit better into old clothes that i still wanna wear and 3. be able to eat whatever the fuck i want in china

YAUR i bought tix to fly to china in three months, i'm so excited to see my mom and grandpa again and also just be there in shanghai again after like what, 6 years??? crazy.

i think one of the things that keep me going currently is just doing research on what i wanna do and where i wanna go in china and also listing what i wanna buy while i'm there (skincare, clothes, jewelry (no way i finally spelled that word right oml) and merch of things i like (genshin merch has to be cheaper there PLEASE) and snacks!). i'll be there for about a month soooo a lot of time for me to fill. aaaaaa i can't waittttttttt

started playing genshin again so i can read fanfiction without spoiling myself (girl has her priorities SET)

TF how does time pass this quickly-

anyway irregularly scheduled life update:

- regular uni life restarted and i was neither prepared nor excited for it but i'm getting through it

- my worsening eyesight has really been bothering me, my crust glasses too but hey can't complain if i'm also the one worsening it by being chronically online and glued to my electronic devices 😃

- goodnotes is so ass on windows but i just witnessed them adding a function i've been begging for a while now sooooo good job team? (honestly it's kind of impressive how much they've done within one year of official release kudos! (BUT PLEASE MAKE IT ITS OWN APP I DON'T WANT A MICROSOFT EDGE WEBAPP PLEASE))

- i love autumn/winter cuz it's moody and cold but i also hate autumn/winter cuz it's moody and cold; i want an excuse to stay in not an excuse to be demotivated all the time :((((

back to P again, enjoy the time by myself a lot

my english class has started, it's like a typical class but fun cuz it's english

work has also been fun although my abilities as a cashier have been dogshit :(

overall cute dynamic but the sex scene where Simon is drunk and Daphne "takes the opportunity" to make him cum inside her is uhhhh questionable at best. Idk, need to reread it to formulate a thought out opinion but it seems like Daphne violating Simon ;;

She does have a redeeming moment where she realized that that was not a good thing to do but idk what her motivation is ech kinda iffy imo

currently relaxing at the north coast!

I was only gonna go to the lowest point of the Jadebusen but my dad said 'hey you could also go catch the sunrise at the sea and I thought heck yeah good idea so I went for it.

Drove up to the most north-eastern point of land on the left side of the JB, car trip was nice, sun was great, beach was great, I started reading Bridgerton

Only downside was the parking fee up there, really fucking expensive so I left after around 1¾ hours, it was also getting hot without any shade and I was getting a lil hongry (bless gorlworld)

so I drove down towards the second beach at D in V (ik how it sounds :') ), got some gas (for 1.60€/l!) and snacks and drinks on the way

now I rented a Strandkorb (for 12€ raaaah so expensive but it's worth it) and it's so comfy, I have a neat view on the Wattenmeer and what I think is W-haven across the water and I have enough space to kinda lie down and place my food and drinks yippieh

now's to hoping that I won't be too tan and/or sunburnt

I feel like the app icon has changed but I can't quite put my finger on it, is it a different shade of blue?