Zombie Corporations

Your brain is just an Ouija board and every single experience you've had is a hand guiding it to the next response

I spent like 40 minutes doing nothing but riding a scooter generally at 15+ mph and let me just say I can NOT feel my fingers after that trip

Reaches behind my bed to look for my phone and experiences the horror of my nail hitting the baseboard and doing a 90° turn instantly

I think the fact that the ONLY single thing (to my knowledge) phineas and ferb were umable to overcome is the speed of light, and even then they still got really close, like probably 80-90% the speed of light.

*Sets your playback speed to 1.5x and watches as you try and fail to comprehend your everyday household chores*

Mad props to the dude that I watched go halfway across the main street before riding down the middle of the road (two lanes on either side) and then cut between some cars to get onto the sidewalk

I was talking to my dad a couple days ago and the whole time the cat was just having the time of his life shoving himself inside a bag, and I'm just sitting here thinking to myself "what are you looking for? What deep secrets do you discover inside this empty bag?"

I was just chilling in class and somebody asked whether they should draw a cowboy or a russian, and teacher suggested a cowboy russian

Lots of snow today :)

Sleeping would be easier if my body was warm and my face was constantly experiencing a cool, comforting breeze

I'm not a real person, I'm just propaganda to get people interested in being vaccinated and becoming autistic :)

I think I'm depressed lmao

*Blows a kiss to my enemy, causing them to combust into flames instantly*

Sleeping is like a council meeting where you have to give all 32 members a good argument and if any of them vote no you instantly wake back up