zombie girl

although things look like its all good n dandy uhhh i have not been well at all my close friend passed away two weeks after my birthday, before and after that i had episodes and didnt leave the house for months and the other week was the first time to leave my house in months,, lots of family issues around Christmas ontop of grieving and financial issues and my mental health team not allowing me to have any therapy or medication….its getting so hard. on the 4th i dont even know what happened but i woke up in hospital after a gcs level 7 coma and having to be resuscitated with a defibrillator after my roommate and best friend of ten years gave me narcan and cpr and i was still unresponsive until waking up in hospital the next day. i feel so incredibly guilty, and i havent even told my family yet, i was about to apologise to them all but i got sort of kicked out of christmas day plans and then reinvented so i have no idea how to tell any of them about the nearly dying or having severe brain damage thing. i dont want my apologies to sound like a cop out because its all about me avoiding everyone in my family out of shame from my mental health but in order to explain thats why i have to explain all the shit thats happened aswell as the shiny new avoidant personality disorder diagnosis and it just sounds like a sob story instead of an actual apology that they deserve. idk

oh my gosh its been so long ! to think i used to be on here daily ten years ago to now being scared of my phone most of the time 😭😭 lots to update on !