Trans Girl Blood Magic

The trick to it is that now, by association, paths are opening up to me that I never would have considered before. And it’s wild and terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

I've been gaining a lot of confidence and happiness during quarantine. Honestly it's a nice change of pace.

So I’ve been talking to this girl for the last two weeks as of tomorrow. Like we’ve been video chatting for hours every day. She’s beautiful and musically talented and a tech nerd and this amazonian goddess and her face is just SO CUTE. We met out of nowhere in a group voice chat and just...clicked.

Since we’ve known each other, we’ve both just drastically improved each other’s lives. We’re unlearning our trauma and reassuring each other with safety and comfort. She’s given me the space and drive I need to focus more on myself again, and taught me that I’m allowed to let someone else into my space. I just...you know those people that you meet and you just click? And that feeling of safety just exists because you bond on so many levels? That safety created the space I needed to let her in and trust her. And this honestly feels terrifying to write about because I still have this feeling like I’m gonna wake up and she’ll have just been a dream but it’s been two weeks of almost non-stop talking and if anything, we’re just talking to each other more. I think...like this is new. This is uncharted territory.

The other night we were talking and it hit both of us and we were just like “Are...are we allowed to be happy? Is that a thing?” And the answer is yes. And I like that, but it’s not something I ever thought would be possible. So it’s hard to wrap my head around.

I’m learning so much from her. I’m learning to be less ashamed of myself and of my sexuality. In fact, I’ve been exploring that way more than I ever have in my life. I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there. The realization that the surrender of control in an existential sense could have so much of a positive affect on my life is still a lot to process. I’ve been seeing this recurring theme in my life of letting yourself go into the flow of the universe. When you stop trying to control your world, when you stop seeing your identity as this rigid thing that can never change, your worldview can just...switch up. Lockdown has definitely contributed to that, too. Forced me to reassess my priorities and what was important to me. And I’ve realized that at the end of the day, I’m amazing. I’m an absolutely incredible human being and the only one in the way of actualizing that is me. My own psychological cages that I put up to keep myself in check. But I’m done with that.

Might be. 

(I feel like I should preface this by mentioning that this is gonna be really freewriting, so I don’t really know where this post is gonna go.)

It’s been a long couple of years. I established myself in the bar community. Made myself nationally visible as a bartender. Joined the opening team of a bar that reached national acclaim after it’s first year. Kicked ass. Took names.

And then the world fell apart.

COVID has totally destroyed my industry and I honestly don’t know how it’s going to recover. But! I’m making moves to adapt! I may end up rebranding or starting a new blog. I’ll still likely post on here, but what it comes down to is that I don’t even know how much of my follower base is still active. Like, the number is 18,088 and that’s a big number. I don’t even know how many of those blogs are still active. No idea what my reach here is. For all I know, only like 300 are active. And I don’t even know if this blog suits the new direction my life is going. It’s odd. I feel like I’ve built up this trans mom reputation over the last few years and just...I’ve been doing a lot of processing lately. I do my best to create an open space for other people, but I’m exhausted. I stopped updating this blog after a while, not just because of work. But like, I wasn’t prepared for this kind of attention. Like most of the messages I was getting? They were all either sexually driven or people trying to get my advice on their transition and ask me for guidance. And honestly that just got really emotionally overwhelming. Like I want to be there for everyone I can, but at what point do I say no so I stop internalizing other people’s struggles? When I was last really active, I was 23. I was practically a child and I hadn’t even processed my own shit, let alone having the emotional space to process everyone else’s. I literally almost lost my mind at the beginning of quarantine and it made me realize that I always put everyone else first and hadn’t actually processed any of my trauma since I escaped that situation and like...that did a number on me. The first month was processing my trauma and sexuality and that almost destroyed me.  I want to take my late twenties and start channeling them into a more productive energy. I don’t really have solid words for what that’s gonna be yet, but it’s gonna be different.