Katty Dixx

If today was the worst day of your life:

How can you describe what goes through your mind? Even writing that sentence confuses me because my mind is so clouded at the moment. Having depression is like being trapped in your own mind, being trapped with devilish and vindictive thoughts and having no way out. Being stuck in your mind with everything you hate and despise in your life – and you believe it’s you. I have had a lot of bad things happen to me in my life and I have had a lot of amazing things. But when you have depression, the negatives will always outweigh the positives. You could be told a million things that are good about you and one that’s negative, but you’ll always concentrate on the negative. Over thinking and dwelling on one thing that probably has minimal significance to you and your life. Why? I cannot speak for everyone but whenever these thoughts erupt in my mind all I can think is “I deserve it”. I have had so many derogative and malicious things said and done to me and I have believed them all.  I concentrate on them and analyse why these things that are said to me. I have always come to the conclusion that they must be true. I get so lost in the thoughts I forget what’s real and what’s not. I don’t remember conversations I have had, I don’t remember what I did yesterday, I can’t concentrate and I oversleep. Dreaming is better than being in this hell, right?

All logic can fall out of your mind. I hated myself. I truly hated myself. And I thought to myself – so did everyone else. I generalised a few people’s comments and actions to the entire world. If this has happened to me - I must deserve it. I must be such a horrible human being that nothing good can happen to me. For other people to go out and premeditate how they would try and hurt me and my life, I must really fucking deserve it. I would break down in public. Every time I blinked or closed my eyes these thoughts would come rushing in like a break in a dam wall. There was no way of stopping them. They were there and they were there to stay, slowly polluting my mind until all I could think of was everything that was wrong with me and everything I had done wrong in my life. How if I left, maybe, just maybe, my mind would be at rest and I wouldn’t have to deal with it any more. I could be free and I could be happy. I would stop hurting people and making mistakes.  But I am one of the lucky ones; I am truly blessed. I know I have the best family and friends who have stuck by me through all of these horrible events. There is one particular message I received from my longest and no doubt, best friend.  I had a night where I couldn’t take it. The thoughts became too much and I couldn’t stop them. Every time I stood up, I would get knocked down twice as hard and I could no longer handle it. I would message her and tell her my thoughts, because I knew she truly understood them. She messaged me one thing that has stuck with me – If today is the worst day of your life, then tomorrow has to be better. I stared at it and thought, Fuck, She’s right. I have endured so much and I have come out stronger. I have been in and out of the doctors and I have been on and remain on medication. I have had relapses but fuck, I’m here. And I can be happy. I am a happy person. Just because my mind plays tricks on me, does not mean I should give up. Once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up, right? Right. I don’t know everyone’s story, and everyone’s story is different. But there are always better days, no matter how bad it gets. No matter how bad your mind gets. No matter how many nights you stay up thinking the worst of yourself and your life. You will wake up one day and feel a little bit better and things will always get better. I know it’s easy for me to say, but I have been there. I have been the lowest of lows and I still get low. I am low while I am writing this. Staring at the ceiling crying and thinking about how much I hate myself. But those words always creep into my head and shed some light through the clouds. I remember being happy. I remember myself. I remember getting better and just because I’ve relapsed now, doesn’t mean this is forever.

So. 

There is probably no one who actually follows this so it is a safe place for me to begin to blog about my mental health and the struggle that happens in my head. 

I don’t want to be in my head, as it is a self destructive, horrible and cruel place. So, the best way to get out of my head, it to write down these thoughts. This is a public forum, so it is terrifying, but baby steps are good. 

I am tired of being in my head. I don’t know how to keep the horrible malicious thoughts from consuming my entire being. I am a massive advocate for so many things: body positivity, career/job happiness (no matter the field), mental health advocate. Basically, an advocate for people being happy and healthy, in their own sense and having nothing to do with societal expectations. 

Yet, when it comes to myself, I do none of these things.

I hate the way I look, i hate my job, and my mental health is failing and burning at a phenomenal rate. 

What causes someone to give so much advice and try and help as much as you can, but not actually be able to take the advice that you give? Why is it, that it is  so easy for me to be able to give advice, but so unable to take the same advice I give?

My head is full of hatred for myself and unmet expectations. How do I turn this around?

I am going to post a train of thought that usually consumes my head.

mid day: tired

afternoon: could literally sleep for 20 hours straight

evening: normal