hi

i feel awful

with the shelter in place going on, I feel like I’m diving deeper into my own self hate/pity and there’s nothing really I can do to distract myself. i’m trying to exercise and eat right, but it’s hard eating right and counting calories when i don’t have a scale, and my family gets takeout so often. i’m really trying to lose weight and be fit because i miss how my body used to look two and a half years ago and it makes me so upset that i let it get this bad 

I miss seeing my friends, genuinely spending time together, and just being outside in general 

i see all these posts on facebook about how people are delivering food/boba to their friends and it makes me wish that someone would for me

i guess it doesn’t help that i live out of the way of all of them 

but i think about my motto and how if i want something done to myself, then do it to others. but it’s kinda hard for me to when i don’t have a car to drive 

scratch that. i do have a car to drive now because all my family is home, but it’s not like my mom would ever let me drive it or even let me go outside. i’ve stopped attending my weekly driving lessons because of the virus so my mom won’t trust me to be on the road by myself.

being at home for already 3+ months has really made me miss my independence in davis. my family is driving me insane, with my sister and the mess of a house we live in. i’d love to move out, but i’m already paying $990 a month for my apartment in davis that I don’t use. even if i wasn’t already paying that, i want to save my money; living in the bay area is expensive. and moving all my shit and getting new furniture would be such a hassle. 

the shelter in place order and the whole coronavirus situation is making me really depressed because it truly does not seem like things will ever get better. more problems are coming like giant japanese hornets in america, people are protesting, people are struggling financially, and people are dying.

earth is a mess. 

additionally, the shelter in place is giving me more time to think about things, and the one thing that’s been on my mind is Joseph 

we both agreed that we’ll keep in touch, and we still talk and snapchat, just not as much as I hoped to.  but I don’t want to intrude and ask him because in all honesty it seems like he’s moved on and it makes me sad. he sent me a snap of a random guy dancing in a baby shark costume, and then his reaction and this other girl he was with

and I recognize that other girl because he’s talked about her before and how she told him that she liked him but back then he didn’t want or do anything cause he still had feelings for me. for the past couple months i see her tagging joseph on things in subtle asian traits and it makes me feel bad.

(sidenote, i’ve been thinking of deactivating my social media. mainly my facebook for that exact reason. i don’t want to see that stuff on my newsfeed anymore. also i don’t want to see gorgeous looking models and feel bad about myself especially on instagram. i always feel bad that i don’t get a lot of likes on my posts. well, like to followers ratio. other people with the same number of followers that i have get way more likes than me, so i guess it’s just me.) 

i guess now he’s with her cause i told him that i moved on with andrew back in january, but that didn’t last long. i truly felt like i owed andrew that relationship, and it wasn’t fair to him. i really regret dating andrew because now i feel like i lost another close friend. 

to me, it’s like joseph thought, “I guess if she moved on, I should too” 

but it’s not even like I have a right to feel bad because I’ve moved on with my coworker from work too. i tag him on things in subtle asian traits too, and i’ve posted him on my snapchat before too. it makes me so sad i can’t see him because of the shelter in place, and i’m someone who needs physical attention.

and i’ve done other things since my break up with joseph that hurt him too, like casually seeing fred.

but have i really moved on if i still feel this bad and it gave me a gut wrenching feeling when I saw that snapchat of him with that girl? 

i’m happy that he found someone, but it still hurts. 

I really do miss Joseph and what we had and it pains me so much that the only thing that drove us apart was the distance 

I don’t know whether to wait for him, or start dating again 

if I wait for him, there’s literally no chance that he’ll be single AND come back to California  but if i do start dating again, is it really fair to the person i’m dating if I still feel this way about my ex?  i still want him, but i know i can’t have him. 

like let’s say it’s an ex or an old friend that you haven’t seen nor talked to in a long time 

or your father whom you haven’t seen in over 10 years because they haven’t contacted you in so long 

if they suddenly walked into your life again, texted you, emailed you, or just sent you a message on facebook? 

would you reply to them or would you kick them out of your life? 

on the one hand, in my opinion, i feel like they left you for a reason. or you left them for a reason. you’re better off without them. 

but on the other hand, there are so many people who i’ve lost contact with that i would love to reconcile and start talking to again, 

and i wouldn’t want them to shut me out and not give me a chance if i were to approach them right now 

my father wished me happy birthday back in november. after over 10 years without contacting me, the first thing he said was happy birthday. 

i admit, i was a little shocked and happy 

but then again, it’s been over 10 years. so why now? he can’t just walk into my life and pretend like he cares after doing nothing for me before. that’s not fair. 

my brother told me that tattoos are disgusting and that he would never associate anyone who has one. 

alright but, just because you hate a tattoo doesn’t mean you can hate the person who has it. 

???