U R A V I T Y

feel free to edit for pronouns/tense, etc. tw / cw for cussing & drug mention & genital mention.

“gay even when not!” 

“yes yes yes yes yes.” 

“you can take a mind picture with your heart.” 

“big pharma is real!” 

“listen to your heart.” 

“a unicorn will suddenly come out of the shark tornado. THE SHARKNADO.”

“let’s go fly a kite.” 

“who is the lesbian?”

“illuminati 5ever.” 

“he was interested in the weather.” 

“what about us? what about everything we’ve been through?”

“no feelies when i’m wearing my heelys.” 

“wow. WoW. WOW. wOW. Wow.”

“oprah was sued by a beef company. wtf was up with that, dude?”

“i wanna dance with somebody.”

“somebody misses you when you’re away.” 

“satan feels pride in the work he does.” 

“take a look. it’s in a book. READING RAINBOW!”

“you make me smile like the sun.”

“hocus pocus or traffic cone? the world may never know.”

“illinois is a state in the united states of america.” 

“country roads, TAKE ME HOME to the place where i BELOOONG.” 

“i want you to be happier.” 

“you can be anything.” 

“it’s weird that some people have conductive genitalia to biologically procreate.” 

“maybe I’M the real slim shady.” 

“throw kindness like confetti.” 

“THINK ABOUT IT.” 

“dream on a star.” 

“i don’t like that, but i trust your decision.” 

“if aliens are real, would the potential to be labeled as invaders stop us from invading?” 

“i’m so fucking gay.” 

“spermatogenesis is a real name for a real thing??”

“try the GREY STUFF. it’s DELICIOUS.”

“you should see me in a C R O W N.”

“monkey see, monkey do. in this case, monkey punches a fucking clown.”

“disregarded and yet still loved.”

“oh what a world.”

❛  it was the best time. it was an innocent time.  ❜

❛  are we doing it correctly  ?  ❜

❛  who am i talking about  ?  you  ?  ❜

❛  my neighbour was arrested by the fbi for being a cannibal.  ❜

❛  the fbi was swarming our lobby and arrested this guy at a six am raid.  ❜

❛  no, he never said to me in the elevator  ‘ guess what : i might be a cannibal. ’  ❜

❛  he was quiet but he was so hungry.  ❜

❛  we’ve all been there.  ❜

❛  i really want that to be a lie.  ❜

❛  florida is the costco of upsetting people.  ❜

❛  it was like comic con but alcoholic.  ❜

❛  so, i put it in the refrigerator. i took the hat and i put it in the fridge.  ❜

❛  that is an interesting way to look at it.  ❜

❛  this guy touched my car and i’m gonna nail him.  ❜

❛  the mud on the carpet  ?  oh, that’s mine  ?  alright.  ❜

❛  we’re a little different as people.  ❜

❛  there’s always like five of his friends that he calls ‘ the homies ’ sleeping on the floor.  ❜

❛  these are like XXXL shirt and jacket with spongebob squarepants pajama bottoms.  ❜

❛  i must be the best person you know.  ❜

❛  you’re amongst weird company.  ❜

❛  at best, prom is like a wedding.  ❜

❛  i’ve never met anyone who had a good prom.  ❜

❛  you bought a limo  ?  ❜

❛  i’ve been nervous for 35 years.  ❜

❛  they have a room for giraffes.  ❜

❛  no  !  camels, not giraffes  !  ❜

❛  i’m just gonna sit here and eat popcorn.  ❜

❛  this is your day to stroke each other off  !  ❜

❛  warren, warren, warren. that’s a weird name.  ❜

❛  we got high in my room.  ❜

❛  i would much rather eat potato chips on the sidewalk.  ❜

❛  i get scared at outdoor concerts.  ❜

❛  i eat the mushrooms. i eat them all and i start hallucinating, as one does.  ❜

❛  i watched a woman eat a hot dog over a garbage can and i stared at her like she was the mona lisa.  ❜

❛  why don’t you have a seat  ?  everything’s gonna be fine.  ❜

❛  i discard people when i don’t need them.  ❜

❛  much like tantric sex, it’s the same mess at the end.  ❜

❛  give me a vial of your urin and i’ll do it.  ❜

❛  oh, look. we actually did it.  ❜

❛  the penis is triangle shaped.  ❜

❛  do not do that. because you could get hurt or worse.  ❜

❛  it’s called ‘ violins against violence. ’  ❜

❛  but didn’t you listen to our whole philosophy thing  ?  ❜

❛  i know but it’s bullshit.  ❜

❛  oh, no. that was so long ago. who knows what happened in that dark tunnel.  ❜

❛  nope, there is no right way to say this.  ❜

❛  if you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father you are an insane person.  ❜

❛  listen to me. we’re going to win. this is going to be fantastic.  ❜

❛  is it me  ?  ❜

❛  i’m not mad at you about the marker. i’m not mad about the marker.  ❜

❛  if i’m mad at anyone, it’s the dog.  ❜