horny

high

As a kid I would always tell my mom I hated babies, not because I truly did but because I was an only child and seeing my beloved mother ooo-ing and ahh-ing at someone other than me made me jealous. With age I lost that envy. Now I am seventeen with all my future kids’ names written out in my notes app. I cannot wait to be a mom. I cannot wait to create a relationship between me and my child that’s like that of me and my mothers. I cannot wait to hold my own daughter in my arms and swear to do everything for her like my mom has done for me. But my future daughter won’t have my eyes, nor my wife’s. I’ve accepted this fact, family has never just been blood for me, but I feel selfish for taking the opportunity of biological children away from my future wife.

When I marry a woman, it’s most likely that she will not only like women. 30% of the women in my generation identify as queer with only 5% of them labeling themselves as lesbian. Statistically I will marry a bisexual woman, and I fear for that day not because I have a preference between the two but because I don’t know if I can forgive myself for taking the opportunity of biological children away from my future wife. I fear that my future wife’s mind will often wonder, thinking about how much easier life would be if I was a man. How much easier it would be to have a child. In this time, it is possible for two women to have a child that contains both of our DNA, but the price tag is unreasonable. If my future wife married a man procreation itself would most likely be free. Who am I to take that away from the love of my life? Maybe the idea of “If you love me let me go” was made for the lesbian women doomed to fall in love with bisexual women. Who am I to take the safety of straight away from my future wife? I know that being gay isn’t a choice because why would I choose the fate of releasing my partners hand every time I’m in a less progressive area. Why would I choose to go to church bearing the secret of my sexuality knowing that if I wore it on my sleeve their smiles may disappear. I feel that if I marry a bisexual woman, I’m taking away her opportunity of an easier life, I fear that her eyes will always wonder, I fear that she will always hold some sort of grudge against me for making her fall in love with me. I fear that I can never be better than a man.