Ramble On

The fall of reason,

What you see maybe exactly what it seems to be,

Yet nothing can be done,

Nothing can be cleaned.

The stain on your heart will

My lover's laugh can turn the moon tides 

The slope of his neck, the shape of my jaw 

His stubble for the smooth of my thighs 

The mountains we never crossed

Will it sweep away like waves

The pain hasn't passed

I wait for the day

You're just another glaze

I can't tell if it's true or

If it's all a haze

Till then I’ll stow away

All the resentment and grief

I’ll turn it inward

Makes me want to stay buried

Hidden, unhurried

Until you find me

Pull me from the deep lull

Onto the harsh hull

I hate it so much

New ways to rewrite the old mistakes

Or make new ones,

I wonder how long can I wipe the slate clean

Before my palms start to stain,

Huddled together like it's a cabinet conference

The war, the price of vegetables and oil

A little girl asked me earlier which college I went to

She said she goes to the school nearby and saw me few times

Sometimes I forget I'm one too now

Maybe I should call my friends and talk about the war

Like it's the price of vegetables and oil

The head-nodding/ can't meet the eyes/ I look at everyone in the eyes/I can't look at you/the deep cleaning/the freeze/the stress-eating/ The Stress!/ The hair-falling/ the allergies/the white patches/the why-does-it-matter attitude/the “ un-tapped potential”/the dieting/ the comparing/ the comparing/ the comparing/looking in the mirror and bullying/the judgement i commit/god couldn't judge me the way I judge myself/ the hatred loop/the appearances/the good girl/ the nice girl/the quiet girl/ the mom's girl/always the nice girl/ never fights/and likes everyone/ the bitch/the weird one/ what a weirdo/ she's so awkward/she didn't even say hi/she thinks she's better than everyone else/ she totally ignored me/ the quitter/ the survivor/the dreamer/ the 3 AMs/the poems/the journals/ the amateur drawings/ the average one/ the novels/ the baking/ the maybe 2 close friends/ never feeling safe not even in your own body/ medically and mentally/ the try-er / the critic/ the snake and the apple/the flood and the boat/the hill and the temple/ broken vase and gold.

Down and away

Is it my fault, somehow?

Like the gardens of Babylon

Rivers of emptiness

Flowing and flowing and flowing

Tapestry of red as it maps over my body

Leaving hollows of misery

Down it seeps into the ground

Till the trickling last drop

All that remains now

A future where there are — no slammed doors / no snide remarks / no silent anger / no shame / no internalized misogyny / no deep-rooted misery / no uncomfortable laughs / no ruined festivals. I saw more than love, I saw acceptance, patience and respect. I saw you watering our plants on the days I forget and remembering my favourite sitcom characters. That's when I knew it's you, It's always going to be you.

I thought our love was going to be a hurricane, but you were gentle and nourishing as a spring spritz.

My body ashen, my nails blood-red.

The wind signals the storm approaching,

It splinters me to powder.

Everything that matters doesn't have to be profound.

Maybe if I accepted this,

But you could have been kinder.

It's not your fault,

But you could have stayed longer.

It's not your fault,

But you could have tried harder.

It's not your fault,

You made me the way I am.

Now you want me to say,

It's not your fault.

Heaven weeps,

Blessing the soil with

Untimely rage.

Summer rains always remind me of us.

The suddenness of it,

The force of it,

How you soaked me in your flavour

And now nothing will ever taste

Foes into friends and friends into foes,

But I don't have foes, darling.

Nor can i stand you anymore,

The sight of your hair

Or your empathy.

I can’t be a nobody to you.

The casualness of our meetings disgusts me.

How can i be expected to smile

And say “ My day was good”,

When all I want to do is

Throttle you to the ground.

No, I don't have any foes, my love.