Unhinged Fangirl

You never leave my mind.

I didn't know you, really. I feel like an impostor for crying over you nonstop when we never even had so much as a conversation.

But your words resonated with me in a way few others ever have. Your stories gave me insight into who you were, piece by piece.

And maybe part of the grief is of losing someone I wish I would have known. Someone I wish I could have stayed up all night talking and laughing with. Someone I felt connected to even though we never shared those moments. And maybe that might have made a little difference. Even if it was to make you just a little happier for just a little longer.

Maybe I'm also grieving all the things I never learned about you. All of the time we never shared. All of the things I wish I would have said or done or asked.

And I'm dwelling on all the things I never told you. How you made me smile and laugh and cry with your stories. How you inspired me to start some of my own. How you brightened my day when I saw a notification that you had posted something - anything. I liked seeing your presence. You were important to me. You are.

I admire you so much. I felt like we were the same person at times. I scrolled down your page for hours today and smiled and laughed and cried. I still want to know everything about you. I see things you reposted and imagine you smiling or laughing, and it makes me smile knowing that you did. I see posts or hear certain songs now and wonder if you'd like it.

You made so many people so happy. I know you have so many people who love you. I'd be selfish to say I wish that could have been enough; I don't know the circumstances of your decision. But I wish I did. I wish we could've made your burden light. I wish we could've given you the joy that you brought to us.

When you mentioned your parents, I wanted to hug you and tell you they weren't shit. That you deserved parents that respected and cared for you. You deserved to be loved and doted on. You deserved so so so much more from this life. But I know for a fact you already knew that. You knew you were too good for this hellhole of a place.

When you mentioned your friend you had lost in the same manner, I wanted to hold you and cry with you. Nothing can soothe a wound like that. I just wanted you to know you weren't alone. Did you feel alone?

It's so fucking cruel that the world keeps spinning without you. Didn't even stop once. And I will always hate it for that. For someone who gave the world so much, someone the world kept taking from, it wouldn't slow down for just a fucking second. Life is the ugliest to the most beautiful people.

I hope you are happy, loved, and pain-free wherever you are. I hope it is infinitely beautiful. You will live on forever through your works and the impact you've had on so many people. I'm glad we could make you smile for the couple of months we all had together. I'm glad you spent time doing the things you loved with the people who adore you. If only we could have always been there with you.

I know you'll never see this. But I need to get it out. I need a place to immortalize my feelings for you before they swallow me whole. A place to share them so they're not trapped inside of me forever. What better place than the one where I found you?

I always thought it was odd when people wrote to someone no longer alive. Until now. I never understood until I felt my own mind race with questions and grief and longing for someone, and there is nowhere to put it all. No you to share it with.

I don't know what else to do. I only know there is a huge piece of me holding onto you somewhere.