ZenoCoyote

I never thought I would be BACK on god damn Tumblr. I left the site around 2018 in protest to their censorship TOS. Probably the same reason everyone did.

Here I am again. Typing into the depth of nothingness. Life sure is complicated. No matter who you are or what you’re doing there’s always one or another part of life that takes you for a spin or surprises you. I don’t write this with an expectation of a response. I don’t care for a yes or a no from anyone in my life. I guess as I sit here alone, again, I am simply trying to contemplate myself an my own choices. To a point where I have to accept the choices I have made. I have worried so much the last 4 years about my choices. About what I have done and if I am a good person. Some people think I am a narcissist. But, as long as people don’t hate me I honestly don’t care who know me or who I am. I just want to believe I am not a bad person.  

I think this is a struggle we all go threw. “Am I a GOOD person?” I don’t mean a saint or a brilliant man. But just someone who isn’t evil. I suppose the fact I am afraid of a bad person makes me a good person by definition of a few people. But when you dig deep into yourself you question that no matter what. 

What I have I learned? Well, define “Good”. Define “ bad”.  All you can do as a human being is believe in yourself and who you are. Who you were raised to be and believe. Perhaps that is the blight of humanity.  Believing you are a good person but in reality you have be raised a bad person. You will never tell cause you own perception of reality is bias. 

In all honesty, I have be the opposite of a narcissist. Why do I believe that? Because my self confidence as been so destroyed that even my own boss has come to me at work and told me that even after 12 years of professional experience I show everyone I work with that I don’t believe in myself or my choices. Even a closed door meeting with my manager telling me that I am a wonder mechanic, and the only issues I have is that I don’t believe I am. 

And I understand now it’s not just me as a professional, but as a person. My self confidence has been so damaged that it caused a deep depression that made it worse. Because of that I put my trust not in myself, but in the people I know. I trust my own mental health on theirs. On what they thought of me. A good and bad idea cause sometimes I know a lot more about myself then they do about me. So I believed them. Because I didn’t believe myself. 

People sometimes told me that my excessive social media was me drying to be a narcissist. But it wasn’t. I guess it’s my version of a cry for help. A cry for attention. Everyone deals with loneliness differently. I feel this was my way. To scream into an abyss and feed of the minor responses to my own posts. I suppose my big issues past any other is self confidence. Being able to believe in my own choices and not worry so much about what my own choices mean about myself and my own life. In other words, I have cared more about my impression and the feelings of others, instead of my own feelings. The impression of myself ON myself. 

And so I finish this journal. A desperate haymaker of self confession. Does it make sense to anyone but myself? I have no idea. As far as I can tell, this whole journal will just be drunk, mindless ranting that makes no sense to anyone but myself. But I feel it’s time to stop worrying and doubting and start talking and sharing. Even if it’s to the empty abyss of the internet. 

Welcome ZenoCoyote! 

So this will be a long journal.  I felt it was time to write a long long journal about my life and where it is now and where it has been the last few years. The reason I write this isn’t just for myself, but for others I don’t speak to as much as I would like as well as friends I speak to every day. I have been through a lot the last 2 years and kinda feel now that I am in the eye of the storm. Things have really calmed down and I have been able to really look back and analyze my past choices and current choices. 

Divorce:

Tomorrow is my anniversary. Well, it would of been. I have told myself a few times this last week to 'not even think about it', but I know I will. While I'm sure nothing much will come of it, I might have a nice quick cry.  But besides that sometimes It's good to remind myself that it was the right choice. I look at myself back then and I the more time goes by the more I see how many issues and problems I had in my life because of my marriage. A relationship is a lot more then just love, no mater what people tell you. Even one year later now, I am still coping. Even will a failed relationship, true love takes more time to heal then anything. But I'm getting there. Every day gets better.  And hoping someday past that the hole in my heart will be gone and I'll be set for another special person in my life. 

Slowing Down / Simplifying:

After my divorce I guess I kinda turned some aspects of my life up a lil too high. Making up for what I couldn't deal with when I was married I suppose. First thing was my sexuality. It didn't take long since I really felt it had be true for years. Even my exwife was not surprised when I told her. Even she kinda knew. I had a fun year but I think after all is said and done I need to chill on the partying. Not stop, just do it less. Felt like I was in collage again for a while. Just focus on the core pleasures in my life. Spend more time in a fursuit and less in a vodka bottle.

Sex:

Part of the last year has been discovering my sexuality. Also just being single again, plain and simple. I have had a few fuck friends and lovers. Everything worked out for me. A few bumps in the road, but I got to actually have a sex life for once. But in the end, I felt some hard truths had to be addressed. I'm really grateful for the people I got to share that with. They are all attractive and wonderful people. But, I'm currently considering the fact I'm just a very monogamous person. Sex is something to me I really need to feel confidant in myself and with someone who helps me not freak out and we can bond together. Anyway, this is kinda part of slowing down for me. No more picking up a hot chick at a bar or whatever you wanna call it. Sex is fun but something I need to just share with a person who becomes very special to me.  I know a lot of people I know don't feel the same, but I know others do. I'm ready for sex to be more "making love" and less "getting rocks off" (to put it crudely).

Love:

Like I said before, It's been one year since me and my exwife both went our own ways. I guess that's what inspired this journal really. It's been one year since I totally flipped my life on it's end and really started over. It's hard to accept the fact you're alone. Especially after a marriage that meant so much. Wasn't just like dumping a girlfriend or getting dumped like in high school. Sometimes I still see her face. Usually crying asking me to let her go. ANNNYway, avoiding any fun details, I think I'm making better steps towards love. Not finding it, but just being okay not having any (romantic that is). It's amazing how long lasting that need to have someone close is. It lingers and festers for a long time even when you think it's gone. I have had a few.... flings(?) the last year. I can't really figure out how to explain it. Times I opened up my heart and the hand I was dealt didn't turn out how I would have hoped. Again, avoiding details respecting the privacy of others.

Friends:

Honestly, I think this is the most important part of this journal. The most positive change of those last 1-2 years has been the friendships I have found and learned more about. While I might of had a good run in love, friendship is something my life has been lacking until about 5 years ago. I hate to sound emo, but I honestly have never had any real friends in my life. Not when I compare what TRUE friendship is. Something I never knew untill about 2-3 years ago.

Honestly, when I moved to Seattle, I didn't understand who was my friend. I had people I hung out with and where "friends", but what the hell IS a friend? I thought it was like high school or work. Just "some person you work with you get along with". No. It's really not. I didn't understand what that meant until last year. This last year I have learned that the friends I had the last year weren't just "friends", they were FRIENDS. Haha! That's so vague. Hmm.. how to explain it. I suppose I never understood how deep a bond friendship could be. How close to a relationship it was. Not romantic love, but still love. Brotherly love. Like true family.

The friends I have really got to know the last year or two have quickly become friends that have had a stronger bond with me then people I have known my whole life. I suppose seeing others really go out of their way to help me was something new. Like REALLY big time care deeply about me and how I was. It's so new to me. They more then anything in my life has helped fill that hole, more then I could of ever imagined. I know my gratitude is hard to spot. I'm a hard nut to crack. I know that now. I know I have a lot of issues socially and understand basic social graces. Again, I haven't had true friends like things before. I grew up with no friends. I didn't learn how to talk to people. How to treat people. I'm learning now what most normally people learned to do when they were children. But I'm here now trying to show how I truly appreciate all my friends and all they have done for me.

And they have done a lot. Dealt with a lot. While, again, I don't show it, the fact is this. I really do understand how much of a pain in the ass I am. XD I think that's why my loyalty, devotion and love for my friends is deeper then people realize. Cause I can see what they deal with being my friend. But they stay with me and support me. Deal with my fuck ups and stupid shit. Really do whatever they can to help and support me. I really do see that. I don't know how to thank them or what I should do. One of my best friends answered that question once. He said "just keep being who you are".  Made me tear up. After all my bullshit he just wanted me to keep being myself.

In the end, I want to thank those VERY special friends in my life (you know who you are), for sticking with me through all my bullshit. I'll always be here to do anything for you in return and I promise I'll work on whatever I have to to become a better person. I owe it to all my friends. Thank you for not ever giving up on me and showing me what a true friend is. I love you.

I'm looking forward to the rest of this year, and the rest of my life. My future is bright with friends like these.

Fanboy BunBun! 

Took some photos thanks to the help of @mixnmatch7. I wanted to take photos of bun with all my Judy Hopps stuff. Just cause cute buns. :3 Bean desided to waddle over and join the photoshoot at one point. XD

The Best of MaxBunny Photoset!

Photos by SinghaTheLion

Fursuit made by Temperance

MaxBunny Photoset 3

Photos by SinghaTheLion

Fursuit made by Temperance

MaxBunny Photoset 2

Photos by SinghaTheLion

Fursuit made by Temperance

MaxBunny Photoset 1

Photos by SinghaTheLion

Fursuit made by Temperance

MaxBunny Fursuit - Begging