zazzazzazz

Last week, I went to a viewing of a childhood friend. We were once neighbors, and we played together after school. We weren't too close though, and we hadn't really kept up since early grade school, ever since our family moved.

But I'm really shaken up by it.

Maybe it's cause he's my age, just a couple months younger. Maybe it's cause I can't quite tell if he followed Jesus. Maybe it's cause I saw his parents and family bawl. Maybe it's his friends' eulogies. Maybe it's cause we lost touch. Maybe it's cause his life just ended, while I'm about to get married. Maybe it's cause he used to be the popular kid. Maybe it's cause he looked exactly the same as he always did. Maybe it's cause how dead he looked.

Kinda blue. Hands swolen. Perfect hairline. Head uncomfortably tiled, chin downward towards the neck.

But I'm so confused. And I'm lonely. And I don't know how to cope.

I don't know how to parse this. I don't know how to deal with my mortality.

I am so mortal. I am so, so mortal.

I also have whiskey club tomorrow. I pay $20 a month to attend.

I didn't realize that people could "just happen" to run into each other in this huge city.

Really thankful to see familiar faces, to hang out and laugh.

This is going to be a pretty hectic month. I'm standing at my friend's wedding—no, I'm the best man at his wedding.

It's still a few weeks away, but my short list is

tailor my shirt

take my shoes to a cobbler (and/or buy new shoes)

research and rent a suit (or buy one)

coordinate the bachelor party

write + rehearse a speech

A little overwhelmed, but it's exciting.

Lastly, totally random, but I practically on a whim decided to buy a share of a very large company known for its search engine for $780. I justified it by telling myself I'll probably end up making money.

I'm here, studying statistics and artificial intelligence. Listening to podcasts on software engineering and finances and investments. Worrying about money and getting married.

I've spent a third of my life. I dislike sleeping because it feels like a waste of my valuable time. Yet I spend my weekends watching television, playing games, and working on small side projects. And I'm left drowning in things to do, things to prepare for, and things to pack and discard.

Do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will worry about itself. So where does planning fit in. And the work that needs to be finished yesterday.

Life here has been eventful but slow. I've been working since mid-January. I enjoy it, but my commute every day to and from New York City is difficult; I very much understand the phrase "back to the grind". On the plus side, I'm glad to have the chance to be with my family for this short time. This is probably the last time I'll be able to live with my parents, so trying to make the most of it though it's difficult at times.

My parents are getting ready to move to upstate New York. First, they were going to leave early 2017, then late 2016, but now they're rushing to move this summer. It would be an understatement to say that they are stressed. They're stressed. But they're also looking forward to the change of pace and scenery.

My youngest brother is slowly getting ready to go off to college. I barely remember when I was that young.

My younger brother will be graduating school soon. We've been getting somewhat along, so I'm very thankful for that. He has a girlfriend, she seems pretty okay. They seem to get along decently well.

I've been going to the church I grew up in. I was very pleasantly surprised to find such a Gospel centered ministry here. I joined the worship ministry about a month ago. I play the cajon, and I'm coming to really enjoy being on the team.

In the six months I've been here, I've gone to one small group meeting.

I'm currently working on two side projects and trying to learn a new programming language. I don't feel burnout coming my way, but I should be cautious.

Things with my girlfriend have been good. Very slowly talking about getting married. Having meaningful conversations every so often. I'll be visiting her a month from now, and I'm very excited for that.

My girlfriend's been "okay", which means that she's not great, but she's not bad. She's busy. Works about as much as I do (if you count my commuting as work) but also manages to lead small group, large group, take yoga classes twice a week, and get dinners with friends.

And how am I? I don't know. I'm well. I'm confused. I've had lots of time to think and lots of things to think about. Questions about money, life, and faith. But really, the only thing I've been learning is my need for grace.

my girlfriend reminded me to be prayerful while applying to jobs and stuff.

I responded that I was bad at praying. (and I am. I tend to either finish my prayers quickly or get extremely distracted. God should have made prayer more fun or something)

but she said praying is like calling someone, that I'm very good at calling her, and that I should therefore be good at calling God.

I remember a time when life felt prayerful.

when every moment, every step, every breath was a brief prayer of dependence.

not because anything was particularly difficult.

but because I knew I was always in need of the grace I found in the cross.

for the time I spent with my girlfriend. hanging out, being serious, and joking around.

for the catchups with a friend who was interning this summer. life, food, and girls.

for the conversations with a wise, old peer. church, leadership, and the Gospel.

for the call scheduling an interview for something I applied to two weeks ago. very unexpected.

(everything I listed can probably hold a post of its own. perhaps they will come)

God has been strangely good to me, considering the depth and breadth of my screwups. considering that I take no initiative in personal refinement.

but the love and grace of God is deeper and wider than what I do wrong. he brings me to redemption. (to which he calls and I slowly follow)

I'm happy because I'm a happy drunk.

but I'm gonna miss hanging out with her.

we exclaim "what a small world".

I am so nervous.

this is potentially a ridiculously good opportunity.

I feel completely unqualified.

I am slapping myself for scheduling my interview a week earlier than I could have.

I was thinking today that if I manage to pass my first round of interviews, I'd be very proud of myself.

but in all honesty, if I get this job, it's because God wanted me there.

because the only thing I've learned through my week of studying is that I have more to study.

have I lost my way, or is my sadness warranted.

on my mind is work, job applications, financials, family.

around the world is shootings, martyrdom, hatred.

I open snapchat and read "pray for the sanctity of marriage".

I open my twitter and facebook and see pride.

in me, I only find deep and absolute failure.

the Cross. the Cross transforms, the Cross brings life.

in the Cross I found life. in the Cross many of you found life.

but in my understanding, Heaven and Earth will not be one until poop hits the fan and the pooper is judged.

For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.