Glimpse of Hope.

Hopefully did passed all of my subjects without containing itself a three. Although I wasn’t expecting it to be that much high, miracles do happen. (Thank you, G!) I worked hard much enough compared to last two years I had during college. As in petiks talaga ako, because I don’t like the course that I am taking. It took a lot of time for me to realize that there are certain things we have to endure instead of blaming the fate of not getting what we want.

This semester sprinkled me tons of lessons that molded me of what I am now.

I realized the big consequences of procrastination and how it will affect my future if I would still tolerate it and those never-ending excuses I had to make inside my head instead getting my tasks done. 

I started learning that you only have all of yourself to push hard and go further than what people you’ve expecting in yourself. Start giving yourself something to grow on. For God’s sake nobody is going to be there for you except for yourself only. People will tear you down and the only choice you have is either to stand up for yourself or let them kill your potential. Your flaws will be your strength if you start embracing yourself today.

Finished assembling my electronic components for the upcoming five practicals on Wednesday in Circuits I which is well, I hope that I would pass all with the grade that I am aiming for. Blah anyway, I decided to explore some parts of my laptop and I ended up downloading Adobe Lightroom and Photoshop (yey crack version) because I haven’t learned Photoshop back then. yes I know it sucks, boo hoo zay. oh come on don’t be sad, you’re going to learn anyway. Semestral Break is fast approaching and I quiet figured out to list down the things I want to do during those weeks besides on adobe tweaking. These includes:

Read a Book.

Since College started banging my life, I almost forgot the world I was living in, before it banged. Maybe at least just one, I guess? 

Late Night Walks at the village.

We moved in a quiet and peaceful village when I was in my second year duration of college. But since school is in Manila, I haven’t fully experienced the ambiance of the village. I might be going to, two weeks from now. Hooray.

Watch the sun rise, with coffee.

I’m sorry but I have to use college again as an excuse. I always wake up around 9-10 AM without noticing any sun rays crawling through my face because the place that I am temporarily staying at is pretty uhmm, sunless? Due to my tight schedule (10AM-9PM, Weekdays. Even saturdays! Boo!) my body clock went really weird and the only reason why I still have the guts to get up at nine in the morning is coffee. So probably by the break, sun would be my main reason. 

Go to the wet market with Dad.

I never ever felt so bad like so fucking bad because I realized that I wasted so much fucking time hanging out with other people rather than with the person whose working all his life to give what I am having right now. God, Dad I’m really sorry. 

Climb a mountain/Go to a beach. 

SHE DID IT.

Back then, I told myself that someday I would raise up both of my hands to you regardless of what people would say and whenever I’m ready to surrender myself onto you but not today. Someday.

I was scared and shy of the scenarios running through my head that if ever I will lift up my hands to you, would I look stupid infront of the others? What would people think of me? Do they see me as a crazy person? Even when the preacher says, “Lift ‘em up, don’t mind them. It’s just you and God.” I was still bothered and I would open my eyes to see if there’s a lot of people raising their hands. Silly me.

And that’s when you started changing my mind. My life, actually. Many times I failed to do my thing, that simple thing you always asked me to do. To lift my hands up wholeheartedly. God, I am so scared of what would people say. I lived half of my life fitting into their expectations rather than yours. It took me years to have the courage to do it.

Until one day, I don’t know. Maybe you whispered. My professor wasn’t able to meet the class. It leaded me to go to The Feast Manila. I was puzzled by the way. Why the heck am I doing this? It wasn’t sunday though. I still had a lot of homeworks to do but still I managed to go there. It was the first time I went alone for you. I usually praise you together with my peers. No, I only praise you whenever I’m with them. That’s when I realized, I was pleasing them. Not you.

I was so astounded God, even right now while I’m writing this. And then I went, listened to the talks Daddy O’s has been preaching. God, are you talking to me? It just sounds like it. Is it now? The talk ended and the worship began. I was nervous, should I lift my hands this time? Should I start conquering my fears? Should I stop listening to what other people would say? Should I start living without their considerations? Should I surrender myself to you? My thoughts were baffled and blurry. My hands are shaking and it’s too cold like there’s no blood in it.

“Thousand times I failed, still your mercy remained…”

Sorry for failing you God, I’m hardly praying that I won’t this time.

“…The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.”

This is it. I’m losing myself now. I’m losing myself onto you.

“My heart and my soul, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out…”

I raised up both of my hands. I did it. I never felt so alive than I was in my whole existence. The feeling was unexplainably extraordinary. Words aren’t forming yet my heart poured it all out with my tears. And there’s three things I knew.

“… And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out of my soul, cries out Lord.”

I felt freedom. I felt loved. I felt God.