Z

What an unsettling feeling this is

The tips of my fingers are numb

From the cold of this distance

I boil water to rid myself of the pain.

Why is my heart clawing inside me

Why is it trying to free itself of me

Maybe it is not the cold nor the numb

Nor it is scabs from all the clawing

It is you. Oh my sweet darling it is you.

What sin have I committed to endure this

To be granted such grand sights

Of such a heaven sent soul near me.

The water is boiling over the fire

And I think of all the love you poured in me

And I am terrified of your sweet eyes.

The flowers bloom around our bodies

But my sight is on the dirt beneath

Your fingernails in this sunlight.

You are all dreams and everything sacrament

If you were sent to haunt me then do

Haunt me when I am not near you

Set this house I am shackled to on fire

Leave nothing inside alive but this

Terrified frail heart that is yours.

The light of the flames create

The most beautiful light around your face

And I am a thief trying to steal this memory

Trying to keep you for a little bit longer.

The sun rises and ashes are scattered

But this is earth is sacred where you stand

What was once done, once said

Teach my eyes to forget

How in your eyes there were sunsets.

But before you do, come back

Come home to me and never fret

This violent love has claws and fangs

Howls at the moon any chance it gets.

Are we not worthy, cries the heart

We’ve dug our grave, the stone is set.

Here lies the body without a soul

The soul roams free with no regret.

I was not deserving of good things

Damned with borrowed joys and debt

I shackle my wrist to my own accord

In my mind the truth sits coldly, upset.

‘When one door closes a window opens’

The doors were locked before the knob was met

How dare I fill myself with hopeful views

Of whispers of tenderness in this roulette.

I hold the knife and carelessly go at it

Fingers bleed but my whimpers a duet.

So teach me to forget my dear

Touch my skin and extinguish the regret.

You are from other worlds, almost angelic

Fetched me from the rain soaking wet

With your golden eyes and helpful hands

I owe you my life but what good will it get

It comes with a list of troubles and fear

Nothing you see here will stick I bet.

But this life is yours, always and forever

Some beauty might come from the grotesque

I am but a creature of the lonely moon

Hungry from the moment our eyes were set.

What are these blue fogs to your golds

If I wake far from all of this

And I have nothing but what

My hands and eyes have seen

It will all be a cruelty of my own making.

I have dug myself deep into this earth

As evidence to this torment

Crocheted ropes around my neck

Beaded with tear drop crystals.

May you dig into my heart

After I am put to rest with eyes stitched

May you find everything I felt

May you see the oceans inside me

Every gaze every awe and wonder.

Nothing to my name was left behind

If you keep rummaging through

All my belongs were left to you

Every touch every laugh every tear.

All truths watered so dearly inside

As proof of what were once longings

Turned to into yearnings turned into

Whatever my hungry heart prayed for.

But it was beautiful, may it will always be

My skin may be bare of scabs or scars

So I leave behind the greatest gesture

You are forever more and to this heart

I hear a clock ticking

Each beat reminds me of death.

An old ticker sits on a mount

In a rustic house deep inside

My weak heart, waiting.

There it sits mocking me

Reminding me of the oceans

I may never reach peacefully.

I have counted the times

I have sat there alone, dreaming

Of my beloved placed across me.

His eyes swarmed with pools

Of all who have gazed upon them

And mine filled with jealous anger.

Have I not broken every bone

In order to slip through these shackles

I would have not known love.

Golden love dipped in divinity

Most have prayed for and attained.

My wrists are bruised, my eyes shut

I cannot make a sound, but I hear it.

I hear the creeping of the ticking.

Candle wax cements the doors

And I lay bare my lungs with wails.

The clock weighs more than

All the weight chained to my neck

But my eyes have seen the golden rays

I have so yearningly prayed for.

The window to my right is open

And I stand with only my bloodied nails.

Either I burn this wretched heart

With my emaciated body in it

when it lingers in the in-between

neither here nor gone,

dwelling inside the breath of another soul.

I wait where names dissolve,

where longing has no body,

and you remain

not as a form, but as an inhabiting light.

He knows the chambers of my chest

The thoughts folded and refolded.

The prayers I’ve rehearsed in silence

and never dared to declare.

I hide nothing well.

Not the aches dressed as patience

Nor the love disguised as restraint.

The fear kneeling behind my ribs

Has transformed into fleeting doves.

My eyes deceive and hide

Weak with water

Not even this dam

The moon is whispering

Secret ballads.

We creep barefoot into

The mute woods

I am nothing but cold hands

Baring a rusted lantern

Who are we searching for

I am lost but I feel the pull.

My name is called in constants

But it is only the moon and me.

O moon, my moon

The illuminance in my heart

Have I awaken from your voice

Or has my soul sought you out.

The beauty of your presence

Never leads me astray

Believe this tear on my cheek.

My bones are weak

But my prayers weigh far more.

The air is cold and sharp

And this lantern is in search

I have found the moon

O’ the most Dearest

We are the mere who are unbeknown.

I am empty of ego and worldly trinkets

I am consumed between pain and devotion.

We are forms of emaciated waifs

Neither dead or alive but nearly breathing

And our state is hungry for connection.

My love for you reminds us of the One

We find rest in Him, and I found it

O I have found it through you.

We are between here and There

And this softness I carry in me

Has formed veins so intertwined

I have no knowledge of its beginning

But the end is clear..

No matter the oceans and the skies

Hiding sweet fortunes.

One could never forget

I have been lost in the oceans

Oceans of uncertainty and lonesome

I have been paddling on my own

For quite some time now

Grief madness and yearning

Have been companions

Rowing me into different tides.

Through storms I heard a voice

A voice lingering only my ears

Can hear its strength.

I paddle until my arms give out.

With certainty I aim my sight

To my lighthouse.

My companions left ship many

Oceans ago..

The rain in my eyes trying to blind

My most vivid prayer

But my heart beats his name

It beats to my lighthouse.

How bright are his eyes

How firm is his love towards me.

I have prayed through tears

In the darkest nights

In hopes the fire never dims

And his eyes never lose sight of me.