;; prisoner of my rage

Clara Baek was basically Choi Nayeon in a lot of ways, especially in their personality. This was something that she couldn’t change and perhaps it was because of the fact that it was easy to change a life, but it was difficult to change who they are. That was impossible and this was something Nayeon started to realize when she became Clara. Both of them mingled and when she was with Ki Young alone, she certainly couldn’t see him as Zachary Lee. It would have been easier, yes. It would make their lives easier because of their mission, but every time she called him Zachary, it was almost like a part of Ki Young was dying in her life and that was something she didn’t want to happen. When the man refused to listen to her music, Clara tried to not show disappointment again. She knew this would happen, but there wasn’t another time. Lowering her tone to a soft one, she spoke once again. “You’re in the mood for what?” The CIA tech was honestly interested in knowing his answer. “Maybe we could watch something on the television?” She suggested with a bright smile. They were always working anyway and a pause wouldn’t hurt, right?

Zachary Lee couldn’t remember the last time that he had just gone ahead and taken a day off. A day that he hadn’t actually just been focused on work. Ever since Lucas died, he had completely given up on any and all fun in his life. And though he knew deep down that wasn’t what Lucas would have wanted, in that moment he couldn’t think of anything else. Kang Enterprises had taken everything from him. His future, his love, his family, everything. If they hadn’t framed him, then at least he would have been able to stay with his mother, make sure that she was okay. Instead she had been forced to be alone, with her only remaining son being sent to jail. So what was there to be happy about and what luxury did he have to enjoy his time. He couldn’t. Things were different for Nayeon so it made sense why she was able to just remain the same person that she had been before. But he couldn’t. “Sure. You pick whatever. Do you want something to drink?” He asked on his way to the kitchen.

“Shoe’s untied.” Frankie pointed out, gesturing down to the other male’s feet. He figured it was nice to give someone a heads up about these things. “I’m sure you’ll survive but just in case you didn’t know… ”   

Zachary looked down at his shoes, noticing that his laces were as he had said, untied. He was surprised that people actually bothered to tell other people when their laces were undone. He quickly tied them before standing up. “Thanks.”

Zachary’s answer made her a bit disappointed, even if she didn’t show it in her cheerful features as she only pouted childishly at him. B+. That was one of her mottos. Nayeon wasn’t going to give up on him. Since the moment she saw him again, she had made this one of her missions. She needed to bring back the old Ki-Young. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be able to move on, with the thought that her childhood friend wasn’t happy, because that was exactly what this was to her. “It’s never too late.” She said in a poetical way, putting a lot of emphasis in her own words. “Here.” Nayeon tried, but instead of singing, this time, she was offering him one of her earphones.

There was a time when he wondered if he ought to just think of her as Clara and not Na Yeon. It would make everything easier if he just immersed himself in his job so much that he didn’t even think of the people he knew from before as members of his life. Just flush out everyone and everything before Zachary Lee, erase all memories that Ki Young Kim had. But that was impossible because the only reason Zachary Lee had come into existence was because Ki Young Kim had a vendetta against Kang Enterprises that needed completing. So there was some weird mixture now of the two. A man who was cold and distant and yet hated himself for being that way. “I’m not in the mood. Maybe another time.” He said, a little softer because he felt as though he had been too harsh to her before. His frustration was his own—and he didn’t want to take it out on her.

“Wait. Don’t give up yet.” Clara quickly said as she chose another song from her ipod. It didn’t take long for her to start humming another melody once again. This time, the young woman even used her hands to re-create the dance of the song. She was being terrible at it, but Clara honestly didn’t care about it as she continued. “What about this one? Can you guess this one? Should I whistle instead?” She asked, starting to whistle the rhythm of the song.

Zachary watched the woman who was singing and dancing, wondering why he was trying to guess the song that he wouldn’t be able to figure out anyways. He didn’t listen to music, he didn’t watch television. All he did was work and in his free time he would play basketball, thinking about his past. “I’m not going to get it. It’s been years since I’ve listened to any music.”

His answers left her unimpressed. Then again, from the moment she had met Ki Yong, Kajal had always had that opinion. She didn’t trust him with her best friend and her gut reaction had proven to be right. And now, she was getting the same instinctual feeling from the male as he spoke. Kajal nodded her head as she underlined the word: “contacts”. It would be a starting point of sorts. Especially if those contacts were as illegal as her case file described them to be. “And Mr. Lee, what exactly are striving to do for yourself and Kang enterprises? Seeing as you have such the entrepreneurial spirit?” She inquired once more. Kajal doing her best to control the anxiety and adrenaline she still felt coursing throughout her body. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could stand to be in his company. But she would have to learn. Especially if the case were to take longer, Kajal hoped it wouldn’t but life was unexpected that way, so she knew to be careful of placing too many eggs in one basket. 

Silently he made a note to himself to let Na Yeon know to look into the woman that sat before him. He kept in mind both her alias and of course the name he knew she had. And from there, he maintained the same arrogant attitude because he was in character. And he had never been a fan of the woman who sat before him and it amused him to think that she was trying to investigate him. Because no matter what she thought she found, she would never find the truth. The sad fact of his life. Perhaps if she asked Dwani but he didn’t think that he would ever be able to divulge that information to her. And even if he did, there was a faith that she would keep it a secret even from her best friend. So he played along with the pretense of an interview, continuing along with the charade of ignorance. “Right now we are just trying to make sure that our current investments continue to be lucrative. We’ve also been looking into extending our efforts into the community by investing in small start ups.” He commented, the same generic answers to the same generic questions. He wondered if she would look into him after this meeting and a part of him hoped that she did.  

When he had left Dwani wished she could have said that she had stayed strong, gotten angry at him and moved onto bigger and better things. But she hadn’t. She had turned into a woman on the brink of crying at even the mention of his name, especially when all of this Facebook pictures were taken down. It was unsettling. Save for the few saved on her phone (which perished in a puddle a year later) and the hard copies she had printed, there was hardly any information online about him anymore. And she had missed him, like how a sailor misses the ocean. She missed the swings in his mood, the fights (which always seemed to stand out brighter than the calm moments) and how birhgt his eyes seemed to get when he was passionate about something. When she had seen him at the fair his eyes seemed dull, lifeless and it hurt more than the fact they were supposed to be strangers. Her life with Mahiir would have been everything her life with Ki Young was not: calm, quiet and stable but most importantly, her mother would have approved of it. When she had ended it, Dwani wasn’t sure who was more heartbroken. Her phone rang and, speak of the evil, Mahiir’s face was on the background of her phone. It was easy enough to ignore though she did read the text message he had send immediately after, as if he knew she wouldn’t pick up the phone. Penning a quickly reply, she eyed the basketball court, eyes landing on a couple nearby sitting on a bench. One had their hands cupped in their hands, obviously upset. “Think that might be them?” she asked as the familiar ringtone that marked her mother, an old Bollywood song unchanged since high school, rand in her pocket. Waving him on and hoping he’d get the hint, she put the phone to her ear, “Momma, why are you calling so late? Is everything alright?” she asked, turning away from the man next to her, aware of his movements regardless of her view.

Zachary walked along side her and for a few moments, if he just closed his eyes and wished hard enough, it was like nothing had changed. As if absolutely everything was the same as when he left for college and when they had been together all those years ago. There was always a comfortable silence that he could maintain with the woman that was beside him, one that he had grown to appreciate. Because it wasn’t necessary to always talk when he was with her, and he could spend just as much looking at her in complete silence as he could filling it with words. And even after all these years, in the back of his mind Zachary realized that nothing had changed in his vision of the future. Even to that day he could remember each and every dream he had for their future selves. He would be playing basketball for a national team and she would be doing whatever it was that she wanted. She would pursue each and every passion that had lit her eyes up, that had made her shine that much brighter in his eyes. They would come home to each other every night and perhaps along the way there would be one or two fights because he knew them—he their personalities and that they couldn’t stay long without fighting each other. That was just how Dwani and Ki Young had been. Two fireballs that cooled and flared when together, but in each others’ presence, the rest of the world seemed to melt away. He hadn’t had that with anyone else before or after her. He hadn’t found it before her, and he hadn’t searched after. So in his mind and heart she was the only one there. When she pointed out the boy’s parents he nodded, leaving her to attend to the phone call and approaching the seemingly worried couple. Keeping the small talk short, Zachary handed them their child and went back to her side. Because now was when the real conversation began—they could go back to being strangers but after he gave her the answers she sought. His eyes asked the question that his mouth didn’t. Was everything okay?

“I thought I was alone, why would I knock? To warn the ants?”

“Well obviously you thought wrong.”

His presence alone made it feel as if electricy was running across her skin with a static caress. She longed to tell him about her life, actual words intsead of ignored or unread messages. To ask what he was doing, what kind of trouble he had obviously gotten into to be spending his time with that crowd of people when he was still willing to help a lost child find his parents. It was clear to her at least that her Ki Yong was still there, buried under layers upon layers of something rough and defensive. She wondered about his parents and his brother, none of whom had replied or responded when she had called, frantic on the second week of no communication. Still, the kept the words locked tight in her, though they fought to escape. It wasn’t surprising that even after this long she was still almost obsessively drawn to him, like a moth to a flame.But it had always been that way. His fire pulling her closer and closer, regardless of the fact she knew she would eventually get burned one day from it. And when it happened, well, she still hadn’t recovered and it was painfully obvious - at least to her.

His eyes were on her again, burning hotly, as they changed directions and she heard the affection in his voice. “I’d do it less if you didn’t worry me so much,” she told him, using the old reply when he would admonish her for biting her lip raw. A terrible habit, one brought out from nervousness or general discomfort but had become troublesome during finals week. It didn’t take much for Dwani to remember the feeling of his fingers lightly tapping her lip in order to distract her from biting it. She bit it again, partially to spite him and partially to keep all her questions in, glancing at him before focusing on something -anything - else. In the years she since had last seen him, he had become unreadable, unknowable, and Dwani found herself looking away almost as much as he stared. Still, her eyes darted up to his face before shooting away when they met his eyes. The sudden kindness made her shoulders hunch, as if she could somehow make herself small enough so that the words would simply wash over her, before she squared them stubbornly. If he wanted to be strangers, then they would be. No matter what might lace his words. Turning her attention to her surroundings, which was much harder than simply not looking at Ki Yong, Dwani asked briskly, “Are we almost there?” Though the sentence had been short, it did nothing but make her hate the distance between them, wishing for the years she would never get back and both more time with him and closure.

Ki Young Kim had loved her with everything he had. Anyone who saw them would have easily said that he was completely and totally anamoured by her. There wasn’t a single thing that didn’t fascinate the man about the one woman in his life that had managed to make such a lasting impression on him. So much so that her mere presence was enough to send him thinking about everything they had been, everything they could have been, everything they—should have been. And it was true that they had fought. They weren’t the couple that wouldn’t fight and if anything, he remembered them fighting more than most others. His temper was uncontrollable and sometimes it didn’t take too much to get him angry. And though now he maintained a composure of distance because he didn’t care enough to actually associate any emotions with the events in his life, in the past, he had been full of emotion. He had been full of fire that would flare and yet immediately simmer down. Through all the fights, all the potential break ups, he  never imagined that they wouldn’t make up. Not once had he seriously considered leaving her even if they had all the misunderstandings in the world. And he thought even less about letting her leave him. Because this was them—they were meant to weather all the storms life threw their way and come out stronger because of it. So this wasn’t anything more than another test. Another difficulty thrown in their path only so that they could fight the battle needed to get back together. Maybe now he was being too optimistic and the next day the pessimism would overtake any sort of hope he held that things could be pieced together. Because there was a large portion of him, the part of him that he wasn’t listening to that night that was sure this was it. They had lost their chance. There was only so much they could fight and this time, the world had won. It gave them a challenge they couldn’t beat.

The child in his arms began to pull at his hair that fell over his forehead unlike usual when it was crafted perfectly in place, held up by careful precision. A chuckle escaped his lips at her words, because she spoke as she had in the past. There was a familiarity in those words because there hadn’t been a time when he had been careful. Even when he was in college, Ki Young had been reckless. Not to the point of it being lethal but there had been some pretty risky behavior on his part. It was the thoughts of her and his family that kept him from doing anything that could definitely get him killed. But the way the words had come from her, it made it seem as though little had changed, which only fed into that little spark of hope that he had ignited that night only to undoubtedly put out later. He looked away from her, a small smile playing on his lips as they continued to walk. Even if they found the boy’s parents within the next few minutes, he didn’t intend on allowing her to leave his company so quickly that night. There was too much to tell her and if it wasn’t today then he wouldn’t ever do it. Even Zachary knew that. “Yeah I was right down there, by the basketball courts when I found him.”  

Oh how she wanted to drop kick him. Kajal imagined doing the action a few times in her head while she jotted down his answers. All in the appearance of looking like the reporter she was pretending to be. “And just how did, Kang Enterprises acquire you? From what I read you were a sought out individual. A few top ranking companies stateside and overseas already wanted your business. What was it that made you say yes to this particular company? Besides its obvious success, which you have stated previously.” Kajal questioned again, trying her best to not call him by his real given name. The female also interested in these so called “assets”, trying her best to understand how Ki Yong was truly involved into the mix. Give me something to take your sorry ass to jail. Please. Kajal chanted, keeping her inner monologue to herself. 

There was a part of him that was enjoying the cat and mouse game. When it was Dwani he felt nothing but pain, but seeing Kajal before him, he couldn’t help but feel a surge of adrenaline pump through him as he began fielding her questions with ease. There was no saying what she was there for—if it was really an interview or if that was all a pretense. But he knew better than to let his guard down and he couldn’t deny that this was truly what the Zachary Lee part of him enjoyed. The part of him that knew when he tried, he was very good at his job. What that meant about him he didn’t know since being good at his job entailed being an expert at deception. And he couldn’t say whether that was an accomplishment that deserved praise or abuse. “I worked at a firm in Boston and they gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse. I think that the global aspect of this company is what drew me to it the most—it’s contacts are expansive and gave me an opportunity to expand my own network. And from there it gives me more experience than I could get sitting behind a desk punching numbers for other companies.” A false answer since what really drew him there was something much different, but no one knew that.

“Yep, I just turned 36 today. I’m an old trash.” Gabriel twisted his beard nervously. “My new mantra is Live slower, grandpa, you’re not young anymore.”

“Congrats. Happy birthday.”

Erika: aliens are real i'm not kidding this time

Erika: 👽

“Okay, I really did not need to see that. You really need to lock the door or something”

“Or you could learn to knock.”

Even now, her hand twitched as if to reach out for his. She shoved it into her pocket, refusing to look at him. She held onto her frustration at the universe tightly. Looking back Dwani couldn’t think of anything she had done to have karma so fixated on her and her life. Still, she felt his eyes on her and her back straightened ever so slightly from being observed so much. Should she ask how his drug smuggling ring was going? That was what strangers did, right? Ask how the other’s job was, how their life was going and countless other questions that didn’t mean anything. Her eyes swept down the streets, mildly surprised that she couldn’t find his parents. If she had a child and they had gotten away from her, she would be terrified and damn near inconsolable until she found them. But the streets seemed empty.

Dwani nodded at his explanation, “What area of the park? Maybe they went the other way.” She bit her lip, worrying it as she thought. It had been a habit of hers for years and she knew her lip would be sore tomorrow from it but it still didn’t stop the action. Chancing a glance at Ki Yong, she bit her lip harder to keep from smiling at the picture he made with the child. She had wanted that one day, preferably with him and the sight made her heart hurt with the idea that it wouldn’t happen. Pushing the thought away and biting her lip sharply to remind herself that they were strangers, Dwani turned to look around the park once more. 

He felt as though he could walk down memory lane and even to that day, every single moment they spent together wasn’t crystal clear. There were many years they were together, but even more that they were apart. And to imagine that those years he hadn’t even thought of her were inconceivable in that moment—especially when he had seen the number of times that she had called him. The voicemails, the texts, telling him everything that was going on with her. In the past, he would have done the same. As soon as he had gotten to Maine, he had texted her. He told her everything that was going on in those first few days before life had stolen away those moments from him. Ki Young had been a loyal one, one who despite the rough and tough exterior, deep down was willing to do whatever it was she wanted him to do. Because she had that power over him and he let her. Man’s greatest downfall was falling in love—freewill seized to exist and yet it was funny how much he was willing to allow that to happen. Even now, he would have given up everything just to go back to those days. It wasn’t as though he had much free will anymore, but nonetheless, he would have preferred handing over control and his heart to her rather than giving his soulless shell to the CIA. Granted his heart was still with her and probably always would be. And he could never retrieve it—not anymore. Which was why he would remain nothing but a strawman, a pawn for the CIA. But those moments made him want to go to her, want to give up control to her rather than to an establishment he had long since stopped believing in. A deep rooted desire was reborn that day to reclaim the life he had been forced to leave behind and he knew it was selfish but he was going to be selfish for one night. Zachary could deal with the consequences of Ki Young’s greed the next morning. That night, he no longer had a grip on himself.

“I’ll show you. Let’s go.” He said, eyes moving from the child back to her. He watched as she bit her lip and a small smile curled across his features as the man began to walk. “You’re still doing that.” He muttered to her, affection lacing each and every word because he couldn’t bring himself to hide it. Not in that moment at least. Later he could go back to being the stoic CIA agent—be the asshole that seemed to play with her. A bipolar jerk who wouldn’t make up his mind. Or maybe after today, no matter when he saw her, he wouldn’t be able to hold it back. The years of hidden affection would come spilling out if the floodgates opened once and there would be no preventing it. There were plenty of possibilities and he was truly willing to see where this would take him. Because Ki Young didn’t care anymore. The next day when he went to Kang, he would be reminded of the reasons he lost everything and there was no doubt that the desire for vengeance would triple, because after tonight, he would suddenly feel just how much he had actually lost.  Just how much they took from him.

He was staring. After six years, she still noticed when his eyes were on her. Dwani wanted to push the feelings aside, to focus on the child in front of her and the dog by her side. Lucille seemed fine, if a bit timidly happy at the petting she was receiving. Reaching up to scratch her behind the ears, she made a point of not looking at him. She was going to get over him once and for all. “I think she likes you,” she told the child kindly, her smile softening even more as he lit up in excitement. 

“You mean he’s not yours?” The words flew from her mouth before she could stop it, hand rushing up to cover her lips as if to pull the words back into her lungs. Try as she might, Dwani couldn’t help but feel relieved. Despite not knowing why he had disappeared, it was good to know that is wasn’t because his feelings had changed then, though they had obviously changed now. “I-” she stumbled on her words. “Yeah, sure. Okay.” A hand gesture brought Lucille to her side, though she whined slightly when the pair didn’t immediately return to the park’s pathway. “Where did you find him?” She peered around the street, looking across the road as well, for any sign of a distressed parent.

Ki Young Kim had hardly been a romantic type of guy when he was in high school. If he was being absolutely honest, he had been the biggest cliché that could be found. The player that had just enough cockiness to draw the girls in paired with an hero complex that kept them there. He had never been committed in a relationship, the type who wouldn’t necessarily sleep around but who definitely would flirt with all those in sight. Paired with being the star of the town never made it difficult for the young man. And then she had appeared in his life one day and shook him to the core. Maybe that was a cliché too but it was the best type that there was—he wasn’t a romantic and yet there was something about her that made him want to be. Granted Ki Young would never have been the one who wrote poetry or sonnets or whatever they were called. His romance came in a different form, but the fact that she had enough power to even make him want to do things like buy flowers or spend time planning dates was enough to make it clear that she was no ordinary woman. The initial attraction had been physical for him and yet with time, everything about her surpassed the initial pull towards the one person who had been different. The cliché transformed him into something he never thought he would be.

And all those thoughts, those memories came rushing back in that moment. He should have just left, but a part of him couldn’t help but wonder if this was the universe telling him something. Why else would she be there on the one night that she shouldn’t have been? Why else would they keep running into each other in a city that was this massive? The odds were against them and yet they kept beating them. Maybe that would be true in other ways too. That was an impractical thought and deep down he knew it but in that moment he was throwing practicality and rationality out the window. “He isn’t mine. He walked up to me in the park crying. ” Zachary said, his eyes not once leaving her features. Maybe he was making the other uncomfortable and internally he was mindful of that, telling himself to stop. But the rest of him refused to listen, and instead he just kept watching. Because it had been years since he had been able to and even after meeting her, he had restrained himself from doing just what he was doing now. What he had wanted to do the second that she walked back into his life. When the child responded as though he knew that they were talking about him, his eyes flickered away from her and to the toddler.