What if I Hurt You? | Zero Nyland
Sanji Vinsmoke x Gn! Reader | Oneshot
You peered at him from the corner of your eye, observing in silent amusement at his apparent struggle. The blondeโs blunt fingers fumbled, attempting to draw the string through the hole of the bead in his other handโs grasp. Spiraled brows furrowed, cheek sucked in between his molars, frustration painted his expression.ย
โI donโt understand how you can do this so efficiently, darling.โ His breath drawled out, ashamed of his lack of gracefulness.ย
The corner of your lips drew upwards, chuckle stifled. โWhatโs wrong, Vinsmoke? I thought you said that itโd be a piece of cake, that you were good with your hands~โ
Rather shocked grey irises met yours, redded cheeks paired with an agape jaw. Twang, the sound of his string snapping, followed by beads spilling to the floor in the momentarily dead silent room. โI- Uh, well-โ At a loss for words, Sanji had no prepared response. He never knew what to say when you made comments like that!ย
โI mean, I thought youโd be a natural at jewelry making too, honestly. With your talent with cooking, and your honed knife skills. You have proficient mobility and coordination with your hands, so Iโm rather shocked.โ You further elaborated, grinning as if you hadnโt caught him off guard on purpose. Exhaling beneath your breath, you braced your palms on your knees, pushing yourself to a standing position. โNow, you should put those adept fingers to use and help me clean your mess.โย
Sputtering, Sanji shot up from his spot at the foot of your bed, โI apologize- Ah- Mon autre, please- Sit, Iโll take care of it!โ
Sighing playfully, you slung your upper body downwards to pluck a few beads off the floor, โToo late, already picking โem up. Thereโs no problem in me helping clean, we fight much worse battles on the regular, quite thoughtful of you though.โ Shuffling beside you, Sanji joined in retrieving your investments towards the general wealth of the crew, blonde bangs casting a shameful shadow over his averted gaze.
Pausing, you noted his overall demeanor had dropped, turning to study his posture and what little of his face you could see. His movements, though slightly better masked than youโd expect, weighed down by something; how mopey.ย
โWhatโs wrong, prince?โ You inquired, watching the subtle tenseness gather in his stature at being called out.
Shyly glimpsing at you before reaverting his eyes, he shook his head. โIโm justโฆ I donโt know. Iโve been having a more difficult time remaining chipper. Though, I should just be happy, I get to spend my time on the ship with beautiful ladies, and spend my time with you- I have no right to be-โ
โYou have every right to feel, Sanji.โ You collected a few more beads before straightening your back to stand again. โSure, you have things around you that can make you happy, but those things shouldnโt be reasons to prevent you from experiencing other emotions when need-be. You need somewhere to outlet, lest it will remain inside you until it inevitably grows to the point where you are consumed by it.โ
He didnโt meet your eyes, instead crouching to continue sadly plucking the pieces from the ground. His lips slightly pulled tight, suggesting a poorly hidden sense of unease.ย
โI understand that talking about your emotions, anything other than romance and admiration, is rather difficult for youโฆ But I do want to reassure you that Iโm here for you, Sanji. I care about you, and your troubles bear no burden to me. So, if you please, tell me exactly whatโs been weighing down your mind.โ
โ... I feel useless.โ His response was short, curt, and slightly unexpected. Head turned away, hands paused in motion; breath baited in wait of your reply.
โ... Do expand upon that, please. Iโm afraid I donโt comprehend where that comes from.โ You chose your words carefully, because truthfully, you couldnโt fathom why heโd feel that way. After all, he was probably one of the most useful people on the ship in your humble opinion.
โWellโฆ I canโt keep Luffy out of the fucking fridge for one, our food expenses ended up being so high that weโre practically broke now. Now every one on the ship is having to do their own projects to try and make back that money! And help, oh I tried! But the one thing Iโm good at, cooking, baking, the whole shabang; we donโt have the funds to invest in! The payoff wouldnโt be great enough! So I tried helping the others with their individual works, all of which I discovered that I am profoundly shitty at! I canโt even make a fucking bracelet without making an utter mess!โ His arms rose, fingers knotting into his scalp as he quickly grew distraught, voice growing in volume, demeanor crumbling. โI canโt do anything right! Even when I talk to girls, this voice in the back of my head tells me that Iโm just being plain creepy! That I canโt help anyone, save anyone any struggles! I just make things worse, I-โ
Your palm landing gently over his trembling hands, tangled in his roots, you sat beside him, โSanji, youโre ripping out your hair.โย
He paused, looking at you in something akin to absolute confusion. โDid youโฆ hear anything I said-โ
โI did. You have a lot on your mind, a lot of self blame and hatred as well. But I donโt want you to hurt yourself. If you need to cry, I will let you. But I wonโt sit here and simply watch as you lay harm to your body while in a state of overwhelm.โ You paused, seeing the glossy coating over his pupils, strained expression, his outright disheveled appearance. โIโm not sure what you need from me right now. And if at any point you feel as if Iโm not helping, feel free to cut me off. Whatever you need most. But I do feel itโs relevant for me to tell you what I think of you.โย
His grasp loosened on his hair, allowing you to take his hands in yours and lower them to your laps. โI think you're extraordinarily talented. Iโm aware how difficult it can be to see one's own proficiencies and strengths, and how easy it is to find every loophole that suggests worthlessness. But I donโt see you how you see you. Youโre the only reason the people on this ship remain fed, before you, we were consistently on the verge of starvation. We ate rotting food and got sick often. You bring something magical to the table in that category. You also aid in the liveliness and demeanor of the crew, do you know how many times youโve unintentionally cheered me up? Countless times. I value you so much, Sanji. And not to mention your strength, youโre one of our strongest fighters.โ
โ...โ He simply stared at you, mouth slacked open.
โAnd even though youโre not good at everything, none of us are. Zoro canโt navigate for the life of him, and Luffy sure as hell canโt cook. The majority of our crew canโt swim. Iโm horrible at social conventions, and thatโs something you have down perfectly. Either way, I guess my point is, your worth as a human being comes from who you are, not what you can do for us. And youโre a wonderful human being, Sanji.โย
When you met eyes with him again, you were stunned to see a flowing trail of tears spilling down his visage. Blinking, you felt his hands leave yours, reaching up to hold the sides of your face. โCaโฆ Can I kiss you?โ The words fell from his lips at a pace you almost couldnโt follow.
โ... Huh?โ You were baffled, confused, astonished, because what the actual fuck? The sheer absurdity of it had you torpefied. โWha- Where did that come from?โ Eventually knocked from your stupor, your words fumbled out in a flurry of utter confusion and slight distress.
โI think Iโฆ Just fell in love with you all over againโฆโ Sanji sighed out dreamily, caressing your jaw as if it were the most beautiful thing heโd ever come across.ย
โ...โ You had no idea how to respond. Did you have the tone of conversation wrong initially or something? Or was Sanji just that type of person? โWaitโฆ Again? All over again? Wha-โ
Sanji blinked, shaking himself from his self-induced daze, โYes. Again. Did I not tell you before that Iโm absolutely smitten for you, mon biquet?"
โI thought you were just flirting with me like with Nami and Robin!!โ You choked out, flabbergasted.ย
He paused, as if surprised that you had not previously known of his proclivity for you. โOhโฆ Well, yes. I am in love with you, [Name]. Youโre kindness, charm, and passion captured my heart long ago, youโre the reason I strive to be better-โ
โThatโs nice and everything but I feel like this is an avoidant attempt at changing the subject.โ You put in your word hurriedly, unsure if you could handle this new claim of his at the moment. It was not so easy for you to switch gears that quickly, and the new topic was fully capable of sending you into a negative spiral.ย
โ... Ah, I apologiseโฆ I see it was a bit too muchโฆโ His hands hesitantly dropped from your face, lightly dragging down your neck before parting. โIโm sorry for suddenly throwing the subject at you. Nonetheless, thank you for hearing me out. For being there for meโฆ Iโmโฆ Iโm going to depart for my quarters now, if youโll excuse me.โ And up he stood, walking out the door.ย
โ... Ah fuck.โ You groaned, forehead falling into your palms.ย
โเผบ๐ฉโ ๏ธ๏ธ๐ชเผปโ
โSo, howโs your jewelry stock going, [Name]?โ Nami prodded, โEnough to get lots of berries yet?โ Mischievousness flooded her eyes, smirk painted on crookedly.ย
โIโve got a decent upstart, not enough to replace our previous funds, but it should get a bit for basic essentials at the very least.โ You responded, picking at your nails boredly.
โRemember, seventy percent goes to me, twenty to the ship, and ten to you-โ
โAgain, I never agreed to that.โ You sent her a pointed look, garnering a nervous chuckle from her.ย
โKidding, kidding.โ Resting her elbows on the table, she propped her chin on the heel of her palms. โHm, by the wayโฆ Did Sanji and you get into a fight or something?โย
You paused your boredom induced fidgeting, waiting for her to continue.
โYou guys hangout all the time, but for the last few days, I havenโt seen him hovering around you at all. Hell, heโs even leaving Robin and I alone. Iโve only seen him briefly when heโs delivering meals.โ She explained, pursing her lips in thought. โI figured maybe you and him got into an argument or something.โย
โ...โ You glanced both ways, checking if there were any eavesdroppers. โNami, if I tell you something, friend-to-friend, you need to promise not to blackmail me or the people involved.โย
โSure, sure, whatever you say.โ She waved her hand dismissively at you, โTell mee-โ
โSo uhโฆ Sanji was helping me with my project-โ
โThat ass, he shouldโve been doing his own-โ
You deadpanned at her, โNami, let me finish.โ
โWell, I guess.. Uh, he told me that he was in love with me.โ
โThat tracks, heโs a huge flirt-โ
โNot in the usual Sanji way though, like, it wasnโt flirting. We were having an excessively important conversation then he asked to kiss me. Out of fucking no where! I was so caught off guard, Nami! It was so out of place and I wasnโt expecting it!โย
She blinked. โHeโฆ Huh? Like if you guys were just, I donโt know, talking about dead parents or something then heโs just like, โkiss meโ??โ
โWell, that wasnโt the topic or how it went but kinda, yeah.โ
โAnd he just seemed, I donโt know, so genuinely smitten?? Then he straight up told me that I captured his heart, that he was in love with me. He specified that he adored me in a different way than you or Robin.โ
โ... Howโd you respond to that? How does thatโฆ make you feel?โ
โConfused. Heโs my best friend, I didnโt really put it together so I just thought he was flirting with me at first. Iโm not even, why the fuck would he like me of all people?? Eventually I kinda panicked and told him that he was avoiding the conversation, so he got dejected and left-โ
โYouโre a fucking idiot, [Name]! A complete dumbass!โย
You leaned back at her outburst, startled.ย
โYou donโt know why he likes you? Oh my god, [Name], whatโs wrong with you? Youโre the only one here that actually takes him seriously! You actually check on him when he gets upset, you stand up for him when he lands himself in trouble, fuck- You dimwit!โย
โShut. Up. You need to reevaluate the situation, [Name]. No fucking wonder heโs avoiding everyone. His best friend and apparently love of his life just rejected him. In a kinda shitty way might I add. How do you even feel about him? Huh? Do you feel the same? Or are you just inconsiderate about your delivery?โ
โI- Well, I donโt know, he just startled me-โ
โI get that his delivery was shit too, but this is something you should be thinking about. You need to figure out how you feel and talk to him, [Name]. Heโs your best friend, you donโt want to lose that over something like this.โ At this point she was standing, hands on her hips as she looked down at you. Her frustration slowly warped to concern, caring about your dynamics within the crew.
You sighed. โ... Youโre right. I need to get my shit sorted. Thanks for the advice.โย
โOf courseโฆ Justโฆ I donโt know, keep me updated. Iโm here for you.โ Nami mumbled, โIโm going to go take a bath, come find me if you need me.โ Then she walked away.
Burying your head in your arms, you thought it over. Your relationship with Sanji, since youโve known him, itโs been mutual flirtation and playfulness. Though, youโd always presumed the flirting was his usual demeanor, as he flirted with multitudes of people. Youโd simply returned it because you never thought it was genuine. Then again, in battle, he always had your back, and you had his. During times of struggle or desperation, youโd lend a hand to one another. He was always there for you, you were his first priority.ย
If there was a serious decision being made within the crew, heโd be extra sure to make your voice heard. If he didnโt know what to make for a meal that day, you were the first person heโd ask the opinion of. He was always so eager to hear about your day, your goals and vices. He cared about you deeply, clearly.ย
But, romance wasnโt something you were well versed in. Sure, youโd slept around here and there, but falling in love? That wasnโt really something youโd had the luxury of experiencing quite yet. So how were you supposed to identify it if you did feel that way?
Not to mention, youโd had your doubts. Sanji flirted with many, he had options, people to pin after. So it was difficult to actually comprehend why heโd chosen you, difficult to believe. His lady loving nature made you insecure if you actually held the idea of a relationship with him, something more intimate. Honestly, keeping him as a friend would just be easier, but is that what you actually wanted?ย
You imagined him dating Nami, a shifty discomfort settling in your stomach. Your throat tightened, the conscious struggle to breathe clasping your ribs. You imagined watching the two kiss, all smiles and laughter, genuine happiness. That made you feel like vomiting, panic settling beneath your flesh. You didnโt like the idea of that, obviously. But did that really mean you wanted a deeper connection with him?
Next, you thought of his arms around you, lips nuzzling against the skin of your neck. Your spine shuttered, skin tingling as your stomach twisted in a near-anxiety sort of way. But it didnโt feel heavy or disturbing, simply staggering. The notion of those metaphorical lips leaving traces up your throat, accompanied by soft whispers of adoration and love nearly brought tears to your eyes; a sense of yearning clawing at your diaphragm, stealing your breath.
Maybeโฆ Maybe you did like him like that.
But then there were the other factors to consider. Your profession as pirates, your crewmates, the agonizing loss youโd feel if he died in combat. You were already tied in, you werenโt sure if you wanted to go deeper. And regardless, would that relationship even work? You were both troubled individuals with a significant lack of self worth, that wouldnโt bode well for either of you. And his habit of flirtation would significantly grate on your ability to believe him when heโd give you the same phrases he did others. Would it be smart to pursue someone who would unintentionally kill you over time? Someone so broken heโd bleed all over you without meaning to?ย
Really, you didnโt know what to make of the situation. To you, it was hopeless, an endless loop of suffering whenever you may look.ย
Sitting up hurriedly, you turned to look at the speaker.ย
โ[Name], I need to talk to you.โย
There stood Sanji, hand awkwardly tugging on his elbow, gaze down ridden. He seemed unsure, anxious, and slightly terrified.ย
You blinked, before gesturing to the chair across the table from you, โTake a seat then.โ
Hesitantly following your command, Sanji sat, refusing to look you in the eye. โI need to apologize, for misunderstanding our connection. I-โ
โDonโt apologize for having feelings, Sanji. Youโre entitled to them. Your timing was just the issue, it entirely caught me off guard.โ You cut him off. โI need to apologize actually, how I handled the tail end of that conversation, it was unfair to you. I didnโt think about my words, and I pushed you away. For that, Iโm sorry. I shouldโve been there for you-โ
โI overwhelmed you, I get it. I was already dumping my crap onto you, then I threw that in there. It wasnโt the time for it. Iโm sorry too.โ Sanji clarified, running a hand through his hair. โAnd I understand if you donโt feel the same way, I can justโฆ leave you alone if you want.โ
โSanji, I never said that I didnโt feel the same way. I care about you a lot, and while I have difficulty identifying my feelings, I do know that itโs more than Iโve been saying. I feel similarly, I know that. But there are issues with the concept of dating you. Weโre flawed people, weโll hurt each other. I know your flirting with others makes me anxious and may cause difficulty down the line. And my struggles with communication, and knowing myself and my feelings will hurt you too. So if we did pursue anything, weโd need to work on a lot.โ
โ... Youโre correctโฆโ He chewed on the inside of his cheek.
โAnd frankly, I couldnโt stand the thought of losing you already. If you die in combat, I donโt know what Iโll do. Iโm hesitant to get more attached.โ you confessed, growing anxious at his lack of coherent response.
โIโm willing to put in the work. To become a better person.โ Sanji looked you in the eye, reaching over to join hands with you, โIโll stop flirting with girls, Iโll be more careful in fights, take more accountability for my actions! Iโll understand when youโre struggling to say whatโs on your mind and be there for you, Iโll give you whatever time you need, whatever thing you may need. I love you, mon autre! Iโll do whatever I need to do make you feel loved and support you!โย
โBut, what if I hurt you-โ
โThen Iโll forgive you, and weโll work on it together."
โMa raison de vivre, I love you for you. I understand that youโre flawed like me, I expect it. But I donโt care, I just want you. So please, may I kiss you?โย
โFuck, fine! Letโs do this.โ And your lips crashed into his, not gracefully whatsoever. It was sloppy, and probably smashed his mouth into his teeth. Frankly you could taste blood on his breath. But he didnโt care, he was finally kissing you! His fingers found their way behind your ears, pulling you closer as his lips parted. Sanji could feel his entire world spinning, bliss filling every thought behind his closed eyes. You werenโt too caring of it at the moment either, he showed no hesitation so neither did you. Hand cupping the back of his neck, you tilted your head to help deepen the jointment, stomach twisting pleasantly. You felt a trail of shivers line your spine, goosebumps trailing your skin. Despite this technically being a shitty kiss, it felt right. It gave bodily sensations you hadnโt fully felt in other experiences, Sanji was just perfect you supposed.
Pulling back, your eyes went wide, suspicions proven correct. His lower lip lined with blood, dripping down his chin, absolute glee flooding his face. โOh, Iโm so in love with you.โ
โ.... Sanji, I already hurt you-โ
โI donโt care, itโll heal.โย
โI-โ Sanji cut you off, meeting your lips again. This time the kiss was better placed, softer, though accompanied by the taste of iron. Oh god, you loved him too.
