Book of Sass Guidebook Installment 2 - Holidays Edition
Ahhh holiday season. A time where every single mom is fighting each other in the toy store to get their kids whatever their spoiled little butts wanted. A time to pretend to be surprised by some gifts after you only hinted at it for the year, thinking you would neeeever get it. And a time where you look into your empty wallet and truly contemplate hitting up that one sugar daddy that offered to pay for everything you could ever need.
But then, there’s also me. Glorious, fantastic, mesmerizing me. I’m back with another installment of this book. Yes, yes I’m glad to hear you want to have more of me and like the generous person that I am, given this wondrous holiday mood I’m in, I shall graciously honor your request to have more of me.
Now as the holiday season is coming to an end, I think it’s about time I give you some of my insight on how to handle it better for next year. I know right? I’m so kind, giving you advice on how to survive the holidays after the holidays have already passed. Look at me giving back to the people, ugh I’m so generous *pats self on the back*. Anyways, here’s another list of ways to make sure that next year’s holidays are ready for your return:
1. Speak your mind and stir a little bit of tea in the pot. If you are someone that has a large family like mine, we all knoooooow that drama is ready to explode, but everyone is trying to be nice and keep things under wraps while they drown themselves in the 10 cups of wine they need to get over their nagging extended family. But if you are smart, like how I am, just poke the beast a little bit. A year is a long time to gather a lot of dirt and tea ( if you don’t know what tea means look it up you should be cultured enough to know ;) ) you have on someone. So just sprinkle a little bit and see what kind of new novela you can create as you pour your 11th glass and sit back for the show to start.
2. LEARN.TO.DRIVE. I cannot stress how many people all of a sudden lose the ability to drive on the road. They already started off as terrible drivers so last thing that we need is to become the new stars of fast and furious 9. Get it together.
3. Be the first one to hand out your gift to your aunts and uncles. If they are anything like me, they are also drinking away the harshness of the year and partying like no tomorrow. Giving your gift to them first while they’re in their drunken states just amplifies how great you really are. And makes your cousins and siblings jealous of the new found love for you. Novela part 2.
4. Costco….just. No. Stay away. You’ll thank me now and for the rest of your lives.
5. Malls in general. Also just no. Life gave you technology so you can be a lazy loaf of a queen like yours truly and get all of the shopping done as you lay in bed in nothing but a bathrobe and some bacon. You’re doing it wrong if you want to spend 4 hours in a parking lot having a staring contest with mom number 1 and then have an MMA fight with mom number 2 who’s somehow channeling Ronda Rousey and the Rocks love child fighter.
6. Smile. It’s the holidays. A time of happiness and pretending that you all love each other. So smile and wave, exchange gifts, eat lots of food and enjoy the day. *what, they can’t all be sassy. Sheesh what do you think I am, heartless?*
And there you have it. More of me. Isn’t it wonderful? Reading my work and just waiting for me to inspire your holiday spirit once again? Yeah I know, I’m happy for me too. And because I am so great, I am happy to bestow more of me upon you.
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