Totally not obsessed

Luo Binghe barely dodged another blow with soft gasps and counterattacked with effort, while Shen Yuan controlled his stony gaze when in reality he felt like a little kid in a candy store, you can't blame him! This chapter (46, actually) is the best of all: zero wife subplots, just Luo Binghe fighting a worthy opponent and unleashing every attack he'd learned throughout his life.

That didn't stop Shen Yuan from being slightly worried, especially when they reached the climax where the deranged cultivator managed to get behind Luo Binghe and was about to run him through with his cursed sword. What if something in the plot had changed? And what if his beloved Binghe gave up training to lock himself in the kitchen and bake those delicious sweets? No, forget the pessimism! Luo Binghe will turn around at the last moment and, with a clean cut, sever the cultivator's head.

After all, he's protected by the protagonist's aura.

What he hadn't counted on was a light tender caress on the palm of his hand and instantly a white and silver blur flashing past his right, heading straight for the epic battle. The figure bumped its back against Luo Binghe's, shoving him almost comically and... the unpleasant sound of flesh, bone and fabric being pierced echoed across the field.

Every time he had tea with Liu Qingge or accompanied him on hunts that just happened to coincide with the beast he was most interested in that week, the first thing that came to mind was that in the modern world, Liu Qingge would most likely have been diagnosed with adhd. But wasn't his shidi adorable holding a conversation while toying with the tassel of his sword between his fingers?

Now all those thoughts were repulsive as he looked at the master of Baizhan peak, the god of war, the person who had remained by his side since his transmigration, lying on the ground completely still with a sword piercing his stomach.

Luo Binghe slowly approached Liu Qingge until his boots were damp with the pool of blood, knelt down and trembled as he touched his neck.

"Liu-shishu...?"

Silence.

Luo Binghe slowly raised his gaze to the now disarmed cultivator.

Shen Jiu was up immediately. "What's -"

happening?, he started to ask before Wu Yanzi shushed him and dragged him into the woods.

Well apparently the remaining servants from Qiu Manor aren't about to show up and kill them both. Why were they traipsing through the woods though?

He was collecting himself to ask again when they arrived.

There's a massive shiny black box jutting out of the ground. It's easily as big as a house but Shen Jiu somehow knew instinctively that it wasn't a building at all.

Wu Yanzi lead him around to the back of the strange black box- where there was a jagged hole in the shiny black material.

"There's something in there," Wu Yanzi said. "I can sense it- go see what it is!"

Shen Jiu obeyed, he was too tired to argue. He crawled into the hole. It was a tight fit, too tight for Wu Yanzi, but Shen Jiu was able to pull himself through the weird black material. From the outside it had looked like lacquered wood but inside there wasn't a grain, more like it was a metal or stone...

There's a glow ahead- and suddenly Shen Jiu was spilling out onto the floor of a strange room.

The whole room was a soft glowing grey, like the sky before dawn. It's cold in the room and the only features besides the crack he fell out of are a bright blue panel on the opposite wall, and words above it in black that say 'You must earn your ending'.

He approached the panel and recognized words on the glowing panel.

[BREACH IN NARRATIVE CONGRUITY DETECTED] it said. Below that were two rectangles containing more words. One said RESTART and the other said EDIT.

Were they switches? He prodded the closes one to see if it was raised-

"Edit Mode Activated!" a cheerful woman's voice said. "Identifying User..."

"Bing! User Identified!

Name: Shen Jiu (Qingqiu)

Role: Minor Antagonist (Scum Villain)

Fate: Dies Alone.

What would you like to edit?"

Dies alone. Shen Jiu felt his eyes water and rubbed at them furiously. So what? Even if this voice was telling the truth what of it? He knew he was a vicious unlovable thing, of course he'd die alone. Who would want him?

"What would you like to edit?" the voice repeated.

"What can I change?" he asked.

"All access editing currently available as protagonist has yet to arrive."

He didn't know what some of that meant but he got the idea. He could change almost everything.

"I-" his voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "I want to be safe, and I want to be happy, and I want to be loved."

[RECALCULATING....] the screen said.

"Please note," the voice said. "Some plot points are unavoidable. Nothing can be guaranteed. You must earn your ending."

There was a musical chime.

"One route found!"

Shen Jiu reached out and pressed the rectangle that said USE.

A red box popped up. [ROUTE REQUIRES REWRITE OF PAST DATA- PROCEED?]

How would you rewrite the past? ...It didn't matter. He pressed YES.

The blue screen dimmed until it nearly matched the other walls, numbers appeared on the screen in bright blue, counting down.

"Initializing..." the woman said.

His own skin was glowing, he realized. The light was gradually getting brighter and brighter.

"Past Rewrite Beginning. This Will Hurt."

"Wha-"

The light ripped him in two.

He was beside himself watching his past living his past again, but different this time.

He and Qi-ge begged at a corner he and Qi-ge and didi begged at a corner. The two the three of them curled up together to sleep.

It all happened again with a twin who was always by his side. Who never left even when the worst happened.

Didi kicked Qiu Jianluo when he grabbed Shen Jiu and the older man put Didi in a headlock as he dragged them both over to the slavers.

It all happened to him them. He gripped didi's hand so tight his nails cut into his hand leaving little bleeding marks. Didi hid his face in Shen Jiu's hair so he didn't have to watch.

Qiu Jianluo knew Shen Jiu would fold easier if he hurt didi- but this time he was mad, so mad. He didn't stop kicking didi even when Shen Jiu begged. When he jumped the older man he threw Shen Jiu back into a wall and kept hitting didi.

The sword clattered to the ground beside him...

He woke up flat on his back in that strange gray room.

"Rewrite Complete! Narrative Integration Complete! Congruity Restored!"

Shen Jiu turned his head and met his twin brother's eyes.

"Shen Yuan," he said.

"Shen Jiu," his twin replied.

"You didn't exist before now."

Shen Yuan shook his head. "I did but I wasn't here. I still remember it. Being not here. Being here."

"Me too." Shen Jiu said. He reached out and took his twin's hand.

Shen Yuan squeezed his fingers. "Will everyone remember both?" he asked.

"No," Shen Jiu said. "I think just us. I think everyone else will just remember you always being here."

They sat up and Shen Yuan leaned against him. He still had two black eyes and other fading bruises from where Qiu Jianluo had attacked him the final time.

They pressed their forehead together for the first time, like that had nearly every day of their lives.

"I don't know how this fixes anything though," Shen Yuan frowned.

You must earn your ending, the wall said.

"I do," Shen Jiu said. He hugged Shen Yuan close. "You make me so happy."

Shen Yuan grinned at him. "Well good. I suppose we'll have to figure out the rest."

Shen Jiu nodded. "I think we need to kill Wu Yanzi."

So he drags his oldest to the location, pricks their finger and... Nothing happens. After some investigation it turns out the curse can tell Junior isn't actually his firstborn.

At first he's like, "wtf do you mean they aren't my first kid, I would know!"

...but then he remembers how much of a manwhore he is and has to go on an adventure to find his illegitimate child.

He was full of grief that settled into his bones, fear that always gnawed it's way up his throat as he'd desperately gasp for breath, and most nights, in the safety and in the dark of his room, he was utterly inconsolable.

One such night, Liu Qingge came by to check in on him as he'd just returned from a mission. The state he found the Bamboo House in could be considered haunted, without the bustling of it's disciples, the lamps emitting a warmth that felt quite like home for all who stood upon it's threshold, the faint sound of laughter coming from the peak lord's quarters as he engaged in lighthearted conversation with his guests.

If Qingge were honest, the once homely feeling of the Bamboo house had withered away much like Shen Qingqiu, a solemn and depressing sight for all to behold. He didn't like the silence from qingqiu nowadays, it was heavy and thick and everything his shixiong had left to offer. The least Qingge could do was sit through that silence with him and hold space for all that grief that didn't have anywhere else to go. He could carry it for qingqiu, he wouldn't even have to ask.

As he knocked on the door of Shen Qingqiu's quarters, he assumed he might have finally managed to fall asleep as all the lights were out. He lingered by the door for a little longer, not entirely sure what was keeping him there if Qingqiu was already asleep. As Qingge was lost in thought, he heard a sound come from inside, something that sounded like choking? coughing maybe? Qingge went in nonetheless, easier to find answers that way he thought. His throat hitched at the sight in front of him.

Shen Qingqiu was on the ground, folding in on himself, hair open and unkept and sticking to his face. Qingge couldn't make out much in the dark, but from the faint light peeking in through the curtains he could make out Qingqiu's figure, trembling, and sobbing. The sobbing sounded like someone who was trying not to cry, wanting to cry, and yet wasn't able to fully allow themselves to relax and let the tears flow. Qingqiu's voice kept cracking as he sobbed and kept gasping for breath, hands clawing at the carpeting as if he was physically in pain.

Qingge couldn't bare the sight of him this way. He immediately rushed in and dropped to his knees near qingqiu, brushing his hair out of his face softly. Shen Qingqiu didn't move, just folded in on himself further if that was even humanely possible. He reached out for Qingqiu's hands that were clawing at the carpet, his fingertips now raw from the carpet burn, and he gently turned SQQ towards him. Qingge used his fingers to brush Qingqiu's hair back and out of his face that was covered in tears and snot. He pulled SQQ into his lap, cradling him as he pulled out a handkerchief and gently wiped away his snot and the sweat on his forehead.

Then he just held SQQ close to his chest and gently rocked him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear, telling him he's here, he's listening, he can cry all he wants, he's not leaving him and how he'll always protect him. SQQ's face in the crook of Qingge's neck, one hand grasping the front of Qingge's robes, as Qingge held him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. He grabbed Qingqiu's other hand and kissed his fingertips where the carpet burn was slowly healing.

SQQ melting into the sweetest most comforting embrace he's ever been held in, feeling so wholly loved and protected, finally let the tears flow. The sobbing muffled by his face on Qingge's shoulder or the crook of his neck, his entire body trembling as if the crying itself was draining him of energy and through all of it, Qingge held him gentle and ever present. That just made Qingqiu cry more, How long had it been since he'd been comforted, how long had it been since he could just let his guard down and relax? How long had it been since he hadn't had to be a grown up who knew or pretended to have to know everything for his own survival? How long had it been since he allowed himself to finally grieve over his own fate and what he'd done to binghe? How long had it been since he'd seen his precious and lovely face and that beautiful smile of his disciple? How long had it been since he last let himself be afraid?

He was so scared and he didn't wanna die either. He didn't want to see the hurt he caused binghe and if he could runaway he would. He'd run from it all. He wanted to go back, he didn't want to die at the hand of his sweetest angelic student that he ruined. It was all Qingqiu's fault and he deserved it and he was scared. He hasn't felt this scared in so long. How long had it been since he last let himself be selfish like this? He didn't have any answers and there was a hopelessness that was settling into his bones and weighing him down, he just curled up closer to Qingge. He wished he could stay there forever, Qingge grounded him. He was warm and smelled good, it was the closest to home he felt in a long time.

Qingqiu cried until he was dehydrated and his eyes were pink and swollen, his face red and puffy and Qingge decided he looked endearing. Qingqiu finally got his breathing under control too as he rested his head against Qingge's chest, eyes closed, the last few tears flowing out. Qingge reached up and gently wiped them away with his thumb as he softly whispered to SQQ asking if he wants to get some sleep. He seemed exhausted as he nodded against Qingge's chest. Qingge picked him up bridal style and carried him over to bed and settled him in.

He sat on the floor next to the bed as SQQ shifted around a bit getting comfortable, and closed his eyes. Qingge just sat there, holding one his hands and rubbing soothing circles on the back with his thumb, the other tucking loose strands falling onto SQQ's face as he hummed soothingly. He traced the outline of Qingqiu's face softly with his fingertips, bringing Qingqiu's hand that he was holding to his lips as he gently kissed each fingertip again, as expected they'd healed, albeit rather slowly than they should have.

As he was getting up to leave, seeing as Qingqiu was finally getting some rest, he decided to return to Bai Zhan too. It'd had been a long night, he'd spent hours holding Qingqiu, not that he minded, he'd do it again if need be, but he was tired. As he tucked Shen Qingqiu in, and left some water by his bedside and turned to leave, he heard a hoarse voice call out to him. He turned around to see Qingqiu reaching for him, he immediately met him halfway and sat by his side. Qingqiu suddenly feeling the absence of Qingge, panicked and asked him to stay.

Shen Jiu feels when it kicks in, sending sharp pulses through his body. The need is almost overwhelming. It takes everything Shen Jiu has to keep himself in control and not just wildly start lashing out.

Exposure is always a risk when going into unmapped areas. Not all flora is recorded, and some are rare enough to go unnoticed unless one specifically knows to look out for it. Shen Jiu had done his best, but it had slipped through, and now he would pay the price.

He needs. Heat floods through him and Shen Jiu stumbles forward searching desperately. If he can just find his partner, he'll help. He'll take care of things so Shen Jiu doesn't have to burn so badly.

The low sound of Liu Qingge's voice reaches him. Shen Jiu can't make out the words, he's too far gone with need at this point. It doesn't matter, he's come far enough. It'll be alright now. He lunges desperately at Liu Qingge.

The first punch to Liu Qingge's chest feels good. It's better when Liu Qingge immediately drops his sword and starts hitting back. Shen Jiu doesn't hold back from tearing at Liu Qingge's body as if he could rip it apart. Liu Qingge swings at him and they both go down to the ground.

Hot blood floods into Shen Jiu's mouth as he bites Liu Qingge. It feels as right as the rough treatment that slams him down into the ground. Shen Jiu can lash out as wild and feral as he likes, and Liu Qingge will catch him and take it all. The blows that rain back on his own body and promise to leave Shen Jiu covered with bruises are just as relieving.

There's no fear of loss here. Shen Jiu doesn't have to hold himself back, or be terrified of what will be done to him. His partner knows him, and knows how he reacts when exposed to aphrodisiacs. The violence between them thrums comfortably. His body aches and burns itself out fighting against the war god. The hours pass as the pollen burns through his system until he finally slumps in relief.

Liu Qingge cradles him close. "Better?"

Shen Jiu sighs and tilts his head up to press a light kiss to Liu Qingge's jaw. He can still taste blood in his mouth. "I'm going to be sore tomorrow," he complained.

His partner's qi slips into him, cool and soothing as he starts to heal up the bruises and scrapes. Shen Jiu half grumbles as he shifts to get more comfortable. If he was feeling better he would insist they go somewhere more comfortable to rest. Right now though, Shen Jiu is content to let Liu Qingge just hold him.

"You have the most violent reaction to aphrodisiacs I've ever seen," Liu Qingge teased.

"Bite me," Shen Jiu huffed. He closed his eyes. "It's better than what else it could be." Liu Qingge hummed agreement. Neither of them enjoy the foreign flood of desire aphrodisiacs trigger. Together it's more tolerable. Shen Jiu doesn't have to be afraid, and Liu Qingge doesn't have to face the discomfort.

i HATE self-censorship for a lot of reasons, but being in crisis work makes it even more frustrating. who are you censoring for? like i am being so fr, WHO are you censoring for? have you even thought it through? people who have been raped know that they have been raped. if someone attempts suicide or is grieving someone who did, saying "sewer slide" isn't going to protect them from any of the feelings. a murder victim's family isn't going to feel better bc you said "unalived" instead of murdered. if anything, it's just extremely invalidating and othering. it's saying "what happened to you is so bad that i won't even say the word," which is NOT trauma-informed care. you are not protecting survivors/victims when you self-censor. the ONLY things you protect when you self-censor are the puritanical ideologies that are being encouraged by rich fascists who want your money and obedience

at first, shen qingqiu tries to kill shen yuan bc dream demon and all. but slowly jiuyuan grow closer (probably through shen yuan warning shen qingqiu about his future and/or qiu haitang & huan hua palace master? idk) shen yuan also creates nice dreams to make sure shen qingqiu can sleep peacefully at night once he sees how nightmarish his mind is. they even go on a lil date together in the dream realm and shen qingqiu finds himself wanting to sleep more to visit his little dream demon.

until one day, the system tells shen yuan his mission is done. so the next night shen yuan informs shen qingqiu that this is the last time he'll visit him. but bc shen yuan feels bad that shen qingqiu might go back to having nightmares, he assigns another dream demon to help him. and then shen yuan fucks off from the plot to live peacefully in the demon realm.

I started this piece on the 24th of June…. I’ve only just now finished it…

“An eye for an eye. Since Shizun sowed the seeds, he should reap the bitter fruit himself. "