Soft as cotton Light as feather Cold as Night -雪姫-

To be honest, after everything, I don't give a fuck anymore. It will be just me and me. Getting better. Everyone will just be casual. If you want to spread your word to other people, then i'll just let it me. It hurst, but I have to accept it. Through this, accepting it slowly and wholeheartedly, will make me feel better. I don't change for other people, I will still stay the way I am, and I know, those who knew me well will stay. Also, I started to feel outcast already after the incident, it really hurts, you have made your move and I will make my move as well.

You know what’s sad? It’s when you look back and realize that the friendship that you thought is 2 way(?) but the real is, it was just 1 way…

i value friendship so much. And it really hurts me when friendship end up hanging and just lost with misunderstandings and you’ll realize all thru the years you spent together is just nothing to the other party. That they can just throw it out the window anytime they want and feel it. It just a one way street…

04/20 I dream of someone was trying to commit suicide (forgot the exact reason whshe wwnt to make suicide, all I remember is that she is threatening to make suicide)

EARLY WARNING: Long post with harsh language in between

These past days really sucks, why? because I met the worst people. They are willing to pay someone who is killing their own people slowly.  

Today, waking up okay, but as days goes by, I suddenly felt down, sad, frustrated that I cannot understand my feelings. It's like my mind is a mess. I dunno what to do. No energy, felt sluggish, no appetite in everything I want to do. Going slumber have cross my mind but I cannot just leave everything unsolved. Ugh... I dunno... sometimes I tried play games just to get off my mind but that escape from reality is just temporary and I have to face reality again :( I hope I can surpass this feeling again. This year, the one, up above really have other plans for me. I hope I can surpass the challenges that is and will be given to me.

Yesterday, my MonsterInLaw putting so much drama again. I didn’t do anything and these past months, I’ve been living quitely by myself with my family and minding our own business. And this Monster started some unknowingly issue that she made by herself. Saying that I am not letting her touch or meet her granddaughter to her. I was like, “what the fuck?!” ,”what issue is she saying again?!”. If I won’t let her meet her granddaughter, in the first place I should have do it! Am really so frustrated and angry yesterday.

And today, i have spank my daughter again due that she’s throwing a big tantrum again. She is so solid like a rock, I am really getting tired already in beating her tantrum but I really need to break that bad habit of hers. I was shocked, hurt and sad when I heard she said “mommy is bad” 2 times. But I just kept the reaction and feelings inside me and don’t let it show how hurt I was. How I wish this could end when she reach 3 years old.

A very loong story XD

26.09.2018, D268. I gave birth to Hywel. And it was my ever first time experience to have an operation of my entire life. Got CS instead of having normal birth, because Hywel position change from cervical (as per my last check up with my OB, 20.09.2018) to transverse. Got to know the latest result at 25.09.2018 because I want to know the latest update of Hywel. Since his last ultrasound was on 06.09.2018. All we know was I will have a Normal birth until with the latest ultrasound shocked us (me, my OB and my husband) all. And also upon checking my cervix, it was already on 3cm that I did nit felt any contraction and so forth. So we decide to confine at the hospital to monitor Hywel. Upon monitoring Hywel on my tummy, it really seems that he moves a lot and it is not surprising that he can change position every now and then. After few hours of monitoring, nurse had check upon on Hywel again to see his latest position, and his head is in oblique position which we cannot do induce procedure or else he will be on danger. So me and my husband decide and agree to do CS procedure upon my OB advice as well.

So time when I enter the operating room, anxiety starts to get into me, since it will be my very first time to be under going knife procedure. But I try my very best to stay calm since I want the anesthesia to take effect or else it’ll hurt like hell.

Well, at the start of the procedure, injecting anesthesia to me quite hurt a bit. I voice it out since that’s the way I am. The doctor offer me if I want to accept a bit of the sleeping medicine(?) [I dunno what that exactly called XD] since I will be going under knife procedure, I said it’s okay since Dra. Cecil told me that it will be just a little bit sleepy since she will just give me small amount of dosage. So I agreed as her advice.

So the anesthesia starts to take effect since I’m starting to feel the chill inside my body and the medicine that makes me feel sleepy starts to take effect as well and everything is starting until I didn’t realize that I doze off. There are few times that I woke up. Like when Dra. Cecil was injecting something in my arms and I kindof reacted it a bit. She asked me if it is painful and I replied yes and she stop for a while until I doze off again. I heard Hywel crying, I tried to wake up but my eyes won’t open. I asked my OB if the baby was okay and how was he. She replied to me that the baby is healthy and okay. The last was I realize that my body was shaking and I think they are sewing the wound back where the knife procedure took place.

Woke up before I was transfer to the recovery room. But the energy level was so different. The anesthesia started to wear off, it was easy than the normal birth anesthesia. But when the anesthesia wear off, I felt like that my whole body energy was lost.

I got into my confine room at 11pm, i had a day so much already and I decided to rest for the night.