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Blog dedicated to the MCU, Kpop Demon Hunters, Sailor Moon, sprinkles of Star Wars and a few other characters. I reblog fics and art, and sometimes write.
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Steve Rogers
"Silent Waves and First Embrace" - a prequel to "His Angel"
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SUMMARY: bucky barnes is head over heels for a girl who could say i love you and simultaneously try to kill him in the same breath. (but don’t save him! he is exactly where he wants to be).
PARING: grumpy!reader x lovesick!bucky
WORD COUNT: 2.7k
WARNINGS: lovesick!bucky, bucky is an idiot in love, fluff, weapons, suggestive comments, no use of y/n.
NOTE: it’s always grumpy!bucky x sunshine!reader. i thought i’d switch it up ;) i’m not too sure how i feel about this tbh, but if i stare at it anymore i’ll go crazy </3
If someone was to tell Bucky Barnes two years ago that he’d fall hopelessly in love with a girl who was all flirty smiles, baked cookies and wore pretty pastel sundresses, respectfully?
He would’ve rolled his eyes and told them to fuck off.
Now, if they were to tell that same Bucky Barnes that he’d fall hopelessly in love with a girl who threw knives for sport and had the permanent expression of I’m going to kill you and enjoy doing it on her face?
. . . Well, let’s be honest, he still would’ve rolled his eyes and told them to fuck off.
But hey! At least this time they wouldn’t be wrong, but he’d never admit that to their face. Or to anyone else’s for that matter.
The first time Bucky meets you, you almost slice his ear clean off.
Honestly? That’s the moment he thinks he fell in love with you. Love at first sight. . . or possible ear amputation, in this situation.
It was his own error. He was walking in the gym, too in his own head and oblivious to his surroundings to notice you and walked right in front of the target you were hurling throwing knives at. They were all crammed around the center. Defenitely could've got him if you wanted to.
There’s no panic, there’s no loud dramatics like gasps or hands flying to mouths in shock, you're not rushing to take a look and see if he’s okay and spewing out apologies.
You just stand there and narrow your eyes with a head tilt that doesn’t say you’re concerned, but rather you’re lucky.
“You good?” You ask simply.
Bucky's mouth goes dry, and he finds himself being able to only nod in response.
He was doomed from the very start.
———
After your first encounter, he kept running into you.
In the gym (again), the kitchen, the common room. He seemed to gravitate towards you like there was something nudging him in your direction.
Bucky’s the one to ask you on a date. No grand gestures, just a simple question in the hush of the quinjet on your way back from a mission. Broken, bloody and bruised, the sun setting behind you.
This was one of the moments where you were at your softest. You were exhausted, your arm resting in Bucky's careful palms so he could stitch together a small gash on your arm.
“This is gonna hurt.” He says softly.
“I’ve had worse.” You whisper gently. No flat tone or sarcasm falling from your mouth like usual. Just you, tired and recovering.
He cleans it with antiseptic, and you welcome the sting with a shaky inhale, eyes fluttering shut.
The silence stretches between you. Steve controls the jet upfront, taking the three of you back to compound. That’s when Bucky asks you on a date.
And to his surprise? You say okay.
He blinks like he heard you wrong, his gentle grasp on your wounded arm going slack, "Really?"
You shrug, "Sure, why not."
His mouth stays a little agape, and you shake your head softly and rest your head back against your seat. Your eyes flutter shutter, tapping his chin, "Close your mouth, Barnes. You'll catch flies in that trap."
Bucky blinks again, and then his mouth shuts promptly.
The date is nothing overly fancy, an Italian restaurant somewhere in downtown Manhattan because he overheard you in conversation with Natasha once about it and how much you liked their tiramisu.
You wear jeans, a simple top and a pair of heels, all various dark colours, hair pulled away from your face. When Bucky hears you coming he turns opens his mouth like a fish out of water when he catches sight if you. He stumbles over his words, shooting up from the couch and almost tripping over his own feet.
"With limbs flailing like that, no-one would ever believe you were the Winter Soldier," You quip with an unimpressed arch of your eyebrow, "Just a man with bad coordination."
"You, uh— you look, uh, really nice." He chokes.
"You don't look so bad yourself, Barnes." You reply, already sashaying your way to the exit, "Are you just going to stand there or am I going on my own?"
Bucky prays for strength and to not make an absolute fool of himself, scoops up his car keys, and then jogs after you.
———
Ever since that first date, and the dates that followed, Bucky has been so totally whipped, and he knows that.
Sam says that to his face at least three times a day.
Bucky doesn’t deny it, not once— he can't.
You spar one time just for fun, and you told him not to take it easy on you. You both pounce at each other, hitting and deflecting like you were practicing choreography, like you had memorised what comes next after he swung his arm in a low arc.
You catch him off guard at one point, and suddenly your swinging up and around his neck before he can blink, thighs squeezing either side of his throat.
And he. . . doesn’t do anything.
Brain short circuits.
Bucky.exe has stopped working.
What a good way to go, is about the only thing rolling around in his brain.
“You’re distracted,” You pant as he sets you down, sweat dripping from your temples and wisps of hair sticking to your forehead.
“No shit,” Bucky huffs, his eyes lingering on you for longer than necessary, “Kinda what happens when you wrap your legs around my head.”
You shake your head, exasperated, “Always thinking with your downstairs brain.”
Bucky grins, “Only when it’s you.”
You give him a sharp stare that would probably unsettle anyone else. It just makes Bucky melt like ice-cream left in the sun.
Only you would wrap your legs around your boyfriend’s head and expect him not to be completely distracted by that. . . or maybe you do, and you’re messing with him. He can’t be sure, and your expression doesn’t give anything away.
All Bucky knows is if it’s psychological warfare you’re playing at?
He’ll never win.
———
You're stood at the foot of the bed, sorting your clothes, a basket of Bucky's waiting on the floor for its own turn to be sorted after.
“Sam says I dress like I’m going to a funeral,” You grumble, folding clothes with more vigour than necessary, “Who the fuck wears dark green to a funeral?”
Bucky approaches you from the doorway, pushing the door gently behind him. He wraps his arms around your waist, and you tense for a moment before letting yourself relax into him.
A kiss is pressed to the back of your neck, soft and gentle, “Think he just means you wear a lot of dark clothes, baby.”
“I know what he meant,” You mutter, folding socks over each other so you don’t lose the pair, “The comment was uncalled for.”
Bucky huffs a laugh into your shoulder. You squirm like you hate it, but Bucky knows you don’t. He nuzzles into, thumbs running in soothing circles over your hipbones.
"Since when have you ever listened to Sam?" He murmur, peppering kisses against the soft skin behind your ear and trailing them down neck.
"I don't listen to Sam," You mumble, eyebrows furrowed and your lips pursed.
"He's trying to get under your skin."
"He's annoying."
"Aggravatingly so."
You lean into his touch as his hands curl around your hips to hold gently instead, until your eyes lock onto a basket of clothes that're pink and your body goes still.
"Bucky?" You say softly.
That tone of voice is never good.
That tone of voice means he's in trouble.
He doesn't register it though, he only hums noncommittally. You feel the vibration against the sensitive skin of your neck that makes you flinch before you can try to stop yourself from reacting.
Bucky grins, happy with himself, and lifts his head from your neck. He kisses your cheek, "Yeah, baby?"
You point at the basket of clothes he left on the floor, "What is that?"
His eyebrows furrow, looking at where your pointing, "My clean clothes?"
You grit your teeth and turn your head just enough to catch him in your peripheral, "Yes, but why are they pink?"
Bucky does a double-take, blinking at his clothes. He picks up the basket and sets it on the foot of the bed next to your neatly folded clothes.
He chews on his bottom lip, "They looked white in the washing machine."
You scoff, "Oh, so the air made them pink?"
Bucky doesn't say a word.
You rummage through his clothes, dress shirts and t-shirts and vests and socks, until you find the culprit. You hold it up slowly, dangling it in front of him.
The look on your face says he's fucked up.
"Are you gonna kill me?" He blurts out.
"I might've if it was my clothes, but you did this to yourself," You huff, gesturing at the ruined pile of his clothes, "How do you even do this, Bucky?"
He shrugs, "Wasn't paying attention."
You hold the offender in your hand— a single red sock. Not even a pair.
"I can see that," You deadpan, "Now your whites are all. . . pastel pink."
At least he has the audacity to look a little sheepish.
"You had one job," You continue, "Just one."
Bucky nods solemnly.
"I did."
"You failed. . . how do you fail washing clothes, Bucky?"
"I didn't fail washing them," He corrects, "They're clean, aren't they?"
You blink at him, "They're pink. They're supposed to be white!"
"I just— I missed the red sock!"
"You have pristine vision!" You exclaim, "You're a super-soldier, it's part of the package!"
"Yeah, but I don't have x-ray vision!"
You huff, shaking your head and muttering about your useless 106 year-old super-soldier boyfriend who can't wash clothes correctly under your breath.
You're complaining, but it still has the corners of Bucky's mouth upturn fondly.
He guides your hips to turn you around, wrapping his arms back around your waist, one hand splayed across your lower back, the other coming up to knead the back of your neck gently.
Your jaw grinds, and you stare at him, that same stare from the first day he saw you in the gym, but this time there's something else there.
Love.
And it's for him.
And isn't that something special in itself?
"I'm sorry," He whispers softly, brushing hair from your face, "I'll never touch the washing again."
You try not to smile at that. It's a failing task.
"I'm an 106 year-old man, we didn't have washing machines," Bucky exaggerates a long sigh, "All this technology. . .”
"Alright, old man." You roll your eyes, patting his chest.
He grins, a thumb stroking over your cheek before leaning in to kiss you— slow and soft, a kiss that warms you on the inside and makes you melt.
Something that makes you feel safe, cared for, loved.
Everything the two of you deserved to be.
"I love you," Bucky murmurs against your lips, soft like a prayer, his hand cradling your cheek.
"I love you too," You sigh in a rare defeat, nipping at his lower lip in warning, "But if you ever do that to my clothes, Bucky. . ."
"Told you, I'll never touch the washing machine again," He offers quickly, "Or try to be helpful."
You roll your eyes with a lingering smile, "Might be for the best."
You can still feel the honeyed trace of his lips that had just been pressed to yours, residual warmth still seeping into your skin like sunlight.
If he's going to kiss you like that? You ought to have to him apologising more often.
He tilts your head just enough to kiss you a second time, pouring love into you as if it comes from an endless source that lives in his chest.
Your eyes flutter shut, hands coming up to cup his cheeks, and suddenly the reason why you were mad at him in the first place slowly begins to fade away.
Later, he'll buy you flowers as an apology. A small bunch of red roses and he'll make a silly joke about the two of you and true love. You'll scoff and give him a playful shove, but you'll take the bouquet and inhale the floral scent. You'll gingerly untie the ribbon and put it in your pocket, filling a vase with water and placing the flowers inside with the utmost care.
But for right now? You can settle for this.
———
Some of Bucky's favourite moments with you is in the morning, specifically when the sun is rising and shines through your bedroom window.
Hues of orange and yellow bleed into the darkness of the room, slithering through the gaps in the curtains that had been haphazardly drawn the night prior.
Your face, illuminated by the rising sun from its golden light spills into the room and streaks across your face, will be an image he will never be able to rid from his mind.
In your sleep you had always looked serene, as though the traumatic weight you carry on your shoulders doesn't exist at all. The wrinkle between your usually furrowed eyebrows is smooth and that flat, unimpressed look you usually wear is nowhere to be seen.
It's just you, stripped of that façade you wear like armour.
Sometimes, he can't believe that he's lucky enough to see you just as you are.
Bucky tucks hair that had fallen in your face behind your ear, and the soft sweep of his fingertips against your skin has your face twitch, the corners of your lips quiver at the fleeting touch.
"Shhh," He hushes softly as you shift, seeking him out with a deep sigh.
That alone could've made him melt.
His grumpy girl, searching for him even when she was asleep.
Your hand settles against his chest and a leg weaves between his. Bucky watches the tension that had started to rise in your body slowly dissipate until you were pilant against the sheets once more.
He smiles, his metal arm enveloping your back, and curls his free hand over yours where it rests against his heart.
———
You in your element is something that Bucky will never quite get over.
He watches you move— dangerous and deadly, your body twisting fluidly and your limbs swing in arcs meant to deliver heavy blows to take down men that're twice your size.
Bucky sighs wistfully.
Sam blinks, looking both mildly frustrated and slightly horrified at his reaction.
“She’s doing her job, Buck.”
Bucky huffs, “Yeah, but she looks good doing it.”
“Are you two finished with your mother's meeting or what?" You yell, glancing over your shoulder at them with a withering stare.
Someone takes this as the chance to try and rush you.
You curse under your breath, exasperated and utterly irritated, jaw clenched as your body moves fluidly, whirling around on your heel and swinging your leg in the air. The heel of your boot connects with his face, a sickening crunch under it where his nose snaps to the side.
He staggers from the force of it and swears, trying to grasp clumsily at your leg in his disorientation. You grab him by his shoulders and smack his head against your knee hard, and he falls like a sack of potatoes— unconscious.
"Seems like you have it handled." Sam quips.
You roll your eyes, pointing a throwing knife at him, "Careful, Wilson, or it'll be you next."
"What about me?"
"You're such a machochist, dude." Sam huffs with a shake of his head, following redwing down one of the corridor's that'll hopefully lead you all where you need to go.
"If you want a punishment, James, you know where to find me." You tease with a roll of you eyes, but there's a hint of a smile there.
And that's for him.
When he doesn't move from his spot, you huff softly and take his wrist to drag him along with you to follow Sam, still failing to hold off that smile, "C'mon, old man."
Bucky grins and trails behind you like a puppy.
There's no place he'd rather be.
🏷️: @metal-armed-muse @juniebjonesin @kileyking @nightfirecomit + to be added to the tag list? comment on this post or send in an ask!
Summary: Steve assigns a mission to you and the Bucky, knowing full well you don’t get along. You don’t know why, but one day Bucky decided he couldn't stand you anymore, and it’s been a battle since. What you didn’t expect was for Stark’s tech to give out on a mission to one of the coldest regions on the planet. Or for the stereo system to be the last straw.
Words: 11.9k (I did this instead of work on my novel)
Warnings/Tags: No use of Y/N. Not canon compliant in the slightest. 40s inspired outfits and music (I did lots of research for this one but I’m sorry if it’s historically inaccurate). Mean!Bucky, but also soft!Bucky. Enemies-to-lovers but really, they’re idiots. Lots of pining. Forced proximity. Lack of communication because do we really think he knows how? Reader has abandonment issues. Reader is described to use a curled hairstyle briefly. Reader has an engineering background, but I don’t so it’s not perfect. The pictures above are not meant to describe reader. Age gap (he’s 106…). Symptoms of hypothermia. Hurt/comfort. Major groveling. Angst, always HEA. if I missed anything lmk.
Proofread by me... and only me lol. masterlist in pinned
PRIOR
It will be a simple mission. No undercover needed. It won’t even take a day. Get in, get out. All things Fury and Steve had both said in response to your disagreement of No. This is a bad idea. Send someone else.
Or rather, just send him. They were right after all, in theory, it was a simple mission. Just east of the Sakha Republic, in a rural little snow covered town. It wasn’t like it was a rescue mission. There were no hostages. Hell, there weren't really any hostiles. Just information kept on a small drive in the backroom of a bunker, put there with the idea that no one would think to even look in the small, barely inhabited town. It was famous for its record low temperatures, and therefore not a place people chose to necessarily “settle down” in. Not unless their family was native, not unless they were used to the climate from generations of acclimating.
Which meant the drive was not heavily guarded. Why would it be? Who would have thought to look there?
Only someone who had been there before. Someone trained by the same organization to be one of the most lethal tracking agents in all the seven continents. Someone who had leaned against the wall in the corner of the room when Steve gave you the mission file and your orders to stick together.
The same man who said nothing when you tried to reason with Steve, and then again with Fury. When you turned your head to see if he’d chime in, tell them how ludicrous this is, he had his head turned to stare at the door with that unfeeling expression. Like all he wanted to do was leave.
Orders are final. Fury had said while stamping the file and sliding it across the desk. Stick together. This isn’t a mission where you split up to cover ground. Get in, get out.
And so you turned, following Bucky Barnes out the door with the file in hand.
₊˚ ‿︵‿୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧‿︵‿ ˚₊₊˚ ‿︵‿୨୧ · · ♡ · ·
PRESENT
Turns out getting in and getting out wouldn’t be a problem. No, you would find that went just fine. Smooth as can be. Aside from the usual bickering.
“Cover me.” He whispered when you both turned the last corner, guns raised just in case. You hadn’t needed to pull the trigger once.
“What? No. You cover me.” You scoffed as though it were obvious. It wasn’t that you weren’t capable, but you were considerably newer at this than him. Didn’t it make sense for the man practically dressed in weapons to do the covering?
“No. I’ll retrieve it, you stand watch.” His voice turned cold as you both approached the door.
“That doesn’t make any sense!” You take focus off your gun to raise your hands in confusion.
But his head snaps towards you with reflexes that can only be credited to the serum in his veins, one hand snapping over your mouth and the other grabbing your wrist to return the gun's aim down the hall. His eyes were cold enough to rival the tundra outside when the unspoken words passed between you: keep it down.
You watched him pull in a slow breath, his eyes dropping to where his gloved hand rested over your mouth. A second later, he dropped it and the hand around your wrist once he knew your focus was back on the hall.
“It makes sense because I know this place,” he drops his tone low to match the whisper, “I can find it quicker and most likely be back before you even need backup.”
You open your mouth to retort, only to close it again. Damnit, he was right. You had watched him lead you through these halls like he knew them personally, and you supposed he did. It briefly made you wonder what else happened in this bunker, what other memories these walls held for him.
You didn’t respond, instead clenching your jaw and turning your back to the doorway to watch the hall in front of you. He must have understood that to be an agreement, because then he was sneaking into the room and disappearing in the dark.
Replaying the conversation brought you back to why you disagreed with the mission assignment in the first place. You knew Steve saw the dynamic between you two, because everyone did. It was hard not to when you seemed to be the only person on the entire team that Bucky could not stand to be in the same room with.
It hadn’t always been like this. When Natasha recruited you, the team was welcoming. Your degree in biomedical engineering gave you much to talk about with both Banner and Stark, although you discovered quickly you still had a lot to learn. You hadn’t had much time to go further into the career after college, when you lost your adopted parents suddenly. You had turned to every physical outlet possible to handle the grief–the anger–and that’s how Natasha found you. Lying on your back at midnight in the middle of a sparring mat at the local gym. She gave you an offer that sounded like exactly what you were looking for.
You hadn’t always been great at making friends, but it didn’t matter much. Sam was so outgoing, you barely had to talk half the time. Tony took pride in teaching you and Peter what he knew. Banner shared your love for comfortable silences. Natasha and Steve took over training, and Wanda quickly became one of your closest friends. Turns out you both needed a good friend, someone to talk to about lighter, kinder things. Someone to remind you that girlhood was a necessity.
Bucky… was fine at first. You picked up on his quiet nature, noticing he really only became talkative with Sam. That was fine, you knew it wasn’t personal.
Until one day, a few months in, when everyone had a down day for once. Wanda had asked if you wanted to visit the city with her, mumbling something about finding something to wear out with Vis. You planned a whole day around it, did your hair up in your favorite blown out curls and everything. You needed a girls day.
You had entered the common room, humming a Sinatra song you hadn’t been able to get out of your head. You had greeted everyone like usual, excited to be out of uniform and planning to leave the tower for something other than a mission.
But the atmosphere changed when you met his eyes, or rather his snapped to yours. You watched in confusion as his eyes swept down over your knee-length dress to your Mary Jane’s. Something almost stricken passed over his face, but it was gone the next second. Then he cleared his throat, mumbled something under his breath, and left the room with tension across his shoulders.
You looked skeptically down at your a-line skirt, red with white polka dots, that hugged high on your waist and flowed at the knees. Then, you turned to everyone else, and asked “Did I do something?”
But everyone shook their heads, apart from Steve, who looked to the door he left through with an expression of contemplation. And that’s how it was from that point on. Intentional avoidance. He left rooms so abruptly you found yourself asking Thor if you smelled or something. He basically refused to train with you, always having some sort of excuse. The only time he didn’t find somewhere else to be were mission briefings, where he stuck to the wall. Those didn’t seem much different except that he visibly disliked being put on the same team, and he would often argue your role on the mission if there was any level of danger to it. As if you weren’t capable.
That’s when you started speaking up, and that’s when it started getting ugly. He was shocked the first time you asked: “What the hell is your problem?” But only for a brief second before his eyes turned cold and he snapped, “I’d rather not have a liability on a mission I’m supervising.”
The sad part was, you respected him. You knew his story. Hell, you were required to write papers over your hypotheses on the engineering design behind the metal arm in college. You knew how far he’d come when you saw his ability to joke with Sam, smile with Steve… but not you. No, you were a problem, apparently.
The sound of your name snaps you out of whatever headspace you found yourself in, watching metal fingers snap together in front of your line of sight. You blinked several times, backing away from the hand and turning a glare to the man in question.
“Were you even paying attention?” He looked astonished, unbelieving.
“Yes.” No. You felt your cheeks heat in embarrassment, but narrowed your eyes at him all the same. Daring him to question you.
He stood straighter, looking down his nose at you in some form of a staring contest you didn’t remember signing up for. He was good at it, so good you looked away with a sneer. You refused to look back, not wanting to see the smirk you no doubt heard in his voice when he said: “Let's go.”
It was as easy getting out as it was getting in. Retracing steps, evading guards at the front doors, and you set off back into the treeline to the jet.
Which is exactly what you did not account for. The jet.
Mind you, this was Stark designs you were working with. These jets survived situations many would think incapable. But where you were, the temperature had the ability to reach a negative sixty eight degree celsius (-90 F). It was already hard to keep yourselves warm, and partly why you were glad there were no hostiles around. The layers under your snow-colored gear were harder to move in than you were used to.
“It’s not starting.” Bucky sighed after the third time turning the engine.
“It has to start.” You said behind him, more to yourself than anyone else, trying to will it into reality. You didn’t listen as he grumbled something else, coming to stand beside him, “Scoot.”
“I doubt it’s going to behave any differently for you.” He didn’t budge.
Fine then.
You crouched next to him, hearing a sharp intake of breath as you crawled under the dash. Putting yourself right between his knees.
“You could have just–” he made a frustrated noise and stood back several feet. You didn’t turn to look at him, just shaking your head as you worked on removing the dash panel. It came off after you found the tabs holding it in place.
“What? Been that long since a woman came near you?” You found him standing behind you, watching you work with his arms crossed over his broad chest. Honestly, you had a hard time believing what you had said when you were reminded of what he looked like. Even in layers, the mere span of his shoulders and biceps was obvious. He’d shed his jacket when entering the jet, and you wondered if the serum gave him better temperature regulation.
His eyes narrowed, watching you set the panel down, “Been so long since a man's been near you that you don’t understand personal space?”
Okay, ouch, but fair.
“I asked you to move,” You responded in a sing-song voice, turning your attention to the cables and wires under the dash. You didn’t want him to see on your face that yeah, it had been a long time. You hadn’t bothered with any sort of dating in college, too busy, too focused. Then after, when the accident happened and the grief took over? It wasn’t even a thought on your mind. You had no hunger for it. It was only this past year that you found yourself discovering that you could still… feel that for another person.
You especially didn’t like that the grumpy cyborg behind you had helped with that epiphany.
“And you could have explained why before you practically bent over in front–”
“I did not bend over!” You cut him off with a shout, keeping your eyes on the wires. “I crouched!”
“Well you might as well have–”
“Has it really been that long that you’ve forgotten–OW!” You hadn’t expected the wires to still be circulating electricity, so you hadn’t exercised much caution when inspecting them. You pulled your electrocuted finger back, popping it into your mouth on instinct because it burned. “Fuck–” you mumbled around it.
Bucky was crouched beside you the minute he saw the spark, forgetting the argument entirely. He brought a hand up to your wrist, prying the finger out of your mouth.
“Hey!” You tried to scoot back, finding the pilot seat behind you, “Now who doesn’t know personal space!”
“Shut up and let me check it.” He yanked on your wrist, using merely an ounce of that superhuman strength.
“It’s just a burn.” You grumbled, looking from your pointer finger to him as he assessed. When he discovered it was, indeed, just a small burn on the tip of your finger, he eased his grip and moved his eyes to the wires.
“Why’d it do that?” His voice rasped, like he didn’t like that this wasn’t something he knew.
Yeah, suck it Barnes. Tracking skills can’t help you with this.
Small victories.
You cleared your throat, pulling your hand away to stabilize yourself since the shock had thrown you off balance. You followed his eyes to the wires, explaining, “The internal mechanisms must still be functional, it’s the external bits that are frozen over. Meaning energy is circulating, hence the shock, but it’s too cold for the ship to respond to it.”
Bucky nodded, pulling his lower lip between his teeth as he processed what you were saying. Then he stood, moving before you found yourself eye-level with his thighs. You noticed a burning sensation in your chest at the action, as if part of you was displeased that he turned away so quickly. You quite literally swallowed it down, pushing it as far away as possible. Not even noticing that through the struggle, you were staring.
Until you heard a huff, your eyes snapping up from his thighs to where his brow was raised and his mouth was tilted into a smirk. He looked down at you, still on your knees, as if he had caught you. Damnit.
After a second, you noticed him waving his phone by his ear, “I’m gonna call Steve, see if he or Stark have a plan for this kinda thing.” He explained before walking off into the back of the ship, phone pressed to his ear.
Your brows furrowed because, why did he need privacy to call Steve?
You rose, looking between the dash and the door he disappeared through. It wouldn’t be professional to eavesdrop but… then again, you didn’t really give a fuck.
You kept your steps light as you walked over, feeling the constant chill in the air that you’ve felt since you landed. Your hairs have been on end this entire time, goosebumps rising under the layers of thermal gear.
You stay on the outside of the door, knowing he will hear you if you go any closer. With a hand over your mouth and nose to cover your breathing, you lean closer to the door.
“There’s gotta be a quicker way out of this…” he sounded frustrated–no, aggravated. Beyond.
“It’s negative fifty degrees, she’s not built for this and even I haven’t adapted yet.”
It wasn’t often you heard him complain about comfort, you weren’t sure he thought much of it after decades in captivity. But he was right, you weren’t built for this. Him being right twice in one mission was not a statistic you were interested in.
“Don’t leave me like this, man…” his voice caught you off guard, made something in your chest give. He sounded almost defeated. A small moment of stretched silence before he continued lowly, “stranded...with her.”
With her.
With her?
You stepped back, face twisted so tight you wouldn’t be surprised if it stayed like that. That interaction, his tone, the idea that he was almost distraught at being stuck with you. So much that he called not only his best friend, but his captain.
Thoughts raced through your head of the past year and a half you’ve spent with the team. You wished you could go back to every single moment, every possible word you exchanged with the Winter Soldier. Anything that would tell you what the hell you did. You hadn’t disliked him until he started treating you like a plague. In fact, the opposite.
Last time you dated, when you were much younger, you didn’t care much for muscles or facial hair. You thought your type would stay the same forever: lean, charismatic business types. But after a nine year break where you barely noticed men, you would find out you were wrong. There was something magnetic about a man broad enough that you know he’d throw you over his shoulder without a bit of struggle, and yet he was still so gentle, so soft-spoken. Until he wasn’t. Until he found something lacking in you.
You had paced several meters from the door when it finally opened, his phone call apparently being over. You turned, meeting his eyes with a blank expression. He was leaned against the doorway, his arms crossing over his chest.
“Steve says Tony is working on sending another jet, but since we’re so far out…” he looked away, like the words physically pained him, “it’ll most likely be tomorrow.”
Tomorrow.
When his eyes turned back to you, you kept that calm expression and nodded, “Okay.”
His brows rose immediately, like he couldn’t quite believe what he’d heard, “Okay? That's it?”
You shrugged, biting your lip and surveying the ship. “Should we try to head into town?” You asked.
He still didn’t look like he believed that was all you had to say, “No. Hydra will have discovered its files are missing by now, the town is too small to not be spotted.”
Right.
Another nod from you, then in the most business-like tone, “We’re going to need to check for supples… see if we have any MREs.” Not to mention blankets. The sun was still up, probably for the next few hours, meaning the temperature was bound to drop more. It was only going to get colder, and you were already trying to hide the shivering behind clenched teeth.
Bucky only pushed off the doorway, planting his feet wide with that stare. Like he was looking into you, eyes narrowed like you were a language he was trying to learn.
“What’s wrong?” Came abruptly, drawled in that Brooklyn accent.
The mere question made you blink in shock, taken aback. But you only allowed another shrug and, “Nothing.” Because what were you supposed to do? Demand he tell you what you did to make him hate you so much? Listen to the first man you’ve been attracted to in years list your faults one by one? You had at least a night together, maybe more; you were cold enough that stretching your fingers was a feat; and defending yourself didn’t sound like the best use of energy.
When you didn’t get an immediate response, you turned to find the jet’s storage unit. You only got a few steps before you felt a hand wrap around your upper arm. You were gently tugged to a stop, turning to find his eyes already on yours. This time there was a different look in them, closer to concern if you didn’t know better.
He opened his mouth to say something, maybe searching for a reaction from you. But then you watched as he faltered, eyes dropping down to where his flesh hand wrapped around your jacket. His grip tightened for a second, testing, before loosening.
“You’re freezing.” He said as if it were a shock, and not a probable scenario with your surroundings. Except that you could feel him through the many layers, much like he could you, and he was considerably warmer. Your hypothesis about the serum enhancing his homeostatic balance in terms of temperature was panning out.
“‘m fine.” You mumbled, pulling away only to be met with resistance when he held strong. You pulled in a slow breath, “Bucky–”
“That’s it?” He said again, eyes flickering between yours, “No complaint, no insult?”
You searched for anything to say because, yeah, you were tempted to throw something at him about the situation. You were tempted to scream, to challenge him to a spar just to get the energy out. After a minute, you found you were tempted to cry.
He must have seen something pass over your face, because he studied you for a few more moments before his face fell back into that blank expression. It wasn’t as blank as the soldier, who you’d only seen in pictures from news articles and files, but it was still impressive how he could just… turn off. His eyes moved over your head before he dropped your arm completely and brushed past you.
You resisted a roll of your eyes when he didn’t even say what he was doing, turning and following him back into the storage compartment. You had planned on going back there anyway in search of extra clothes. Figured he’d be busy searching for food for the night, since the cold clearly didn’t bother him as much. He moved fluidly, you felt stiff.
So it was a surprise when you turned the corner and found him reaching through tubs and totes, pulling out blankets and seeming to assess them. You watched him frown, dissatisfied with the ratty pieces of cloth he was finding. This jet was SHIELD's before the Avengers took over, you didn’t expect to find much.
“Thought you weren’t cold,” you kept your voice low, trying not to sound accusatory. Maybe he was cold; you had just made an assumption based on his shock at finding you freezing.
He didn’t miss a beat when he said, “I’m not,” and then held a blanket up to test its length. It dropped from just below his chest, where his arms held it, to where it brushed the floor just so. He turned suddenly, looking between you and the blanket. After a moment, he cocked his head and set it down away from the ones he deemed disappointing.
Your eyes widened, was he…?
“Why don’t you go check the nook for any MREs?” He cut off your thinking, already turning to go through the next tote.
“I…” it was your turn to look confused. He was just on the phone with Steve, sounding like being near you was a life-or-death scenario, and now he was sorting blankets when he wasn’t even shivering?
As you backed away, you made the distinct decision that the cold must be getting to you. Something wasn’t adding up, unless you just didn’t understand some aspect of superhuman nature.
You pulled your scarf up over your nose as you walked to the nook, the power was out there as well. The whole reason it wasn’t as cold as it was outside was because the jet was so well sealed off, designed not to be affected by any external stimulus. But this room had an external wall, and you could definitely feel the drop in temperature. You pulled your gloves back out from your pockets, slipping them on as you searched through cabinets.
A half hour later, you had searched through all that you could find and came back almost empty handed. You knew they had given you a backup ship because it was supposed to be simple, in and out, you were never supposed to need any supplies besides your gear. But still, it was frustrating walking back to the main deck with only one MRE in hand. You expected a fight over it, maybe him to say you hadn’t looked hard enough, that you were just trying to make things harder.
What you didn’t expect was to find Bucky walking out of the storage compartment, wearing new clothes and carrying more in his arms. The ones he found fit snug over his thermal layers: grey sweatpants and a dark blue hoodie. You didn’t like that they looked good.
He stopped when he saw you, holding the one MRE in your hand, “That all that was back there?”
You bit your lip, glancing down at the meal, “Yeah, turns out they don’t stock this ship regularly.”
He only shrugged, “This isn’t one of the mains.” He didn’t look mad, just as frustrated by the entire situation as you. The air was starting to feel denser, a small glance showing you that the sun was setting faster than you had thought.
“You changed.” The words were really just to fill the silence you felt creeping in. An observation that seemed to remind him what he was doing.
“Yeah,” he stepped forward, holding up two more pairs of pants and another thermal shirt with a hoodie, “You need more layers, especially for nightfall.”
You looked down at the clothes, none looked particularly clean. You didn’t like the idea of wearing someone else’s clothes either.
He must not have liked the hesitation, because then he was grabbing the MRE and shoving the clothes toward you, “It’s this or hypothermia. You choose, doesn’t affect me either way.” He growled.
And there it was.
You took the clothes with nothing but an, “I’m aware,” as you stalked off to change.
Nightfall did indeed come quickly, as apparently it does in the north. After you changed, you did your best to keep busy. You tried every panel under the dash despite knowing it probably wouldn’t do anything, you were just grateful for a distraction from the cold creeping into your bones. You listened to the sharp clicks of Bucky sitting in the back of the deck, sharpening his knives and checking his gear. It was quiet, which would be nice if it didn’t feel… charged.
The thing about the bionic staring machine, was that you could feel it. When his eyes moved from his guns up to where you were kneeling under the control module, the hairs on your neck would quite literally stand on end. It happened a lot. You weren’t sure if he was checking that you hadn’t frozen over, or just silently cursing your name.
By the third hour in, you couldn’t sit still. It was cold, too cold. Colder than anyone should ever be able to handle. The cold wasn’t just in your bones, it was licking up your spine. Bucky had gotten up at some point and searched for even more layers, cornering you until you quit your pacing.
You hate how his hand on your shoulder felt like heaven, like you had been living in this cold all along and there he was inviting you into warmth and shelter. You pulled away.
“You need more,” he held up the long-sleeve shirt, eyes piercing yours in a way that did not invite argument.
You weren’t even sure what you mumbled before taking it and adding it to the layers under the hoodie.
When you reemerged that time, he was making a cot. All you wanted to do was keep pacing.
“Bucky–”
“Don’t.” You could tell he was way past pretenses, mere seconds away from dragging you, when he latched onto your wrist. His tug was gentle as you led yourself to the blankets, but you got the idea behind his fingers curling into your gloves. You sat, and watched him methodologically position the blankets around you. Not even blinking when he wrapped his hands around your ankles and prompted you to pull your knees to your chest, he then tucked the blankets until they were so tight you couldn’t move.
“Thought it didn’t affect you either–”
“Shut up.” He cut off your slurred words, knowing exactly where you were headed. He didn’t meet your eyes the entire time, but there was something frenzied in his movements that you didn't attribute with the soldier or sergeant.
He left briefly, or maybe it was longer, you weren’t sure. You were tired, your eyes felt heavy. You didn’t even realize as you began to nod off—
“Nuh uh,” suddenly he was in front of you again, kneeling down and using his teeth the pry open the MRE.
You groaned, shaking your head and pulling away, “No–”
He cut you off with your name, but you kept shaking your head incessantly.
“You’re bigger,” you reasoned, not wanting to give him another item on his list of issues with you, “you need it–”
“You need the energy,” he focused his hands on assembling the rations, “Digestion generates internal heat, and we need to keep your body temperature up.”
You knew that, you’d probably remember going over it in college if thinking weren’t so difficult at the moment. Still, you slurred through chattering teeth, “But you–”
“I’m enhanced, doll,” his voice was gentler this time, “I can go longer without nutrients, and I adapt quicker to drastic temperatures.” Then his hand came up, prompting you to raise your chin.
You found yourself trying to wriggle out of the blankets, bringing your hands up before he stopped you. His metal hand closing over where the blankets overlapped, a disapproving hum that only added to the confusion fogging your mind. You must have made some sort of noise to match the feeling, because he was shushing you next. Then, in an action that cemented the idea that the cold had you delusional, he lifted the spoon up to your mouth.
Your eyes widened, piecing together what was happening. This man, who you could still hear complaining about your company in the back of your mind, was now… dotting on you? Waiting expectantly with a spoonful of noodles and broth for you to open your mouth.
An uncomfortable feeling bloomed in your chest, along with that same inviting warmth. It was kind in a way you hadn’t expected from him, nor from anyone in the past half decade at least. Since you became an adult, and more so after losing your parents, it was you and only you. You took care of you. Even when you were sick, you didn’t expect anyone to look after you like the romcoms raised you to believe. No one else was needed.
But even through the brain fog and heavy eye-lids, you weren’t too stubborn to admit that now? You needed someone else.
The broth was warm, at least warmer than you were. You welcomed the taste, and from there didn’t once resist when he held out the spoon expectantly. He didn’t say anything more, didn’t comment on the possibility of the situation being awkward. No, he made it seem almost natural. His eyes moved over your face as you ate, checking to make sure you’re still with him with open concern.
Only after you finished and looked slightly more comfortable did Bucky hesitate before standing, like he wasn’t sure about putting distance between you with you like this. It seemed like he was the one who couldn’t sit this time, his shoulders raising with tension. You buried your nose in the blankets and watched as he looked out the front dash at the night sky. It was well past the middle of the night now, the temperature probably reaching its lowest. If you could both hold out the next several hours, the temperature would slowly start rising again. If only just.
You felt warmth in your stomach from the broth spreading through your middle, but it didn’t stop the chattering of your teeth. You pulled in ragged breaths, watching the air thicken when you exhaled. You found yourself entranced by watching it happen again and again, like a slow type of hypnosis…
“Okay, come here.”
His voice snapped you out of it, turning your attention back to the man pacing the length of the upper deck. You didn’t even have it in you to ask what this time, just watched as he marched over and dropped fully onto the floor next to you. He carefully, but quickly, started pulling the blankets apart until you were back down to your hoodie, then he pulled his over his head. “What are you doing?” Your voice took on a higher pitch as he moved the hoodie over your head instead.
“Trying to keep you alive, you’re losing color.” Bucky grunted, pulling the larger hoodie over yours.
“Are you not…?”
He was quiet for a moment, contemplating before, “I lived in this kind of temperature for seventy years. I adapted.”
You weren’t sure what to say to that. You didn’t have time anyways, because the next thing you knew, he was pulling you away from the wall you were propped against. Then he stood, only to move into that space behind you.
He must have seen the look on your face when he took your shoulders to pull you back against his chest, because he said, “Humor me,” in a low rasp that stripped you of your defenses. Especially with that same warmth, that was so much more comforting than the soup and noodles. You were melting into him without a conscious thought to the reaction, your cheek hitting the fabric of his thermal shirt while he pulled the blankets around you. You’d feel ashamed in any other situation, but with that smell that was so distinctly him you couldn’t find an ounce of it anywhere.
His slow exhale of relief encouraged that relaxation you felt. Then he was arranging you in his lap, his legs on either side of you as he turned you so more of your body was pressed to his. The ability to feel him through the layers was tribute to how cold you were, or how warm he was able to remain.
You could have moaned when he brought his right hand up, pulling the hood tight over your head before settling on your cheek. Or maybe you did, judging by the way his breath hitched. But he kept it there, rubbing warmth into your cheek while his left arm bracketed your back.
What caught you off guard most was when his hand drifted down to the neck of your hoodies, slipping inside only to rest against the slope of your shoulder, his thumb brushing over your pulse. You had half a mind to ask what the hell, but then his chin came to rest on top of your head. And as your pulse beat against his thumb, you could feel the tension melt from his posture.
You decided at that moment that maybe you had been missing out, if this was what it was like to be held by a man. Even with this man who you had thought would like to throw you off the tower's helipad several times, you suddenly had no doubt that you were safer right here than you could have been anywhere else. This time, instead of the brain fog, you found your eyes closing for an entirely different reason. But you still had one question…
“…Why?”
You were asleep before you could hear his response.
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The morning was still frigid, but considerably warmer than the night. So much so that when you woke, still curled into his chest and listening to the sound of his heart beating in time with yours, something told you it was time to move. Though your bones did not want to yet. There was an ache in your stomach that felt a lot like indignation at the idea of prying yourself from Bucky. But it was warm enough that the seven layers you now had would allow you to move. The sun was out too, giving you the chance to inspect the ship with more light.
The other reason was, well, you appreciated what he did the night before. You were quite literally to the point of not feeling your limbs before he bundled you in more clothes and blankets, offering you food and shelter. It was so unlike him, except it wasn’t. It was exactly like the man Steve described to you in stories. The one that took him in when he was at his worst, that stood between him and everyone who tried to tell him what he couldn’t be. But you knew how he felt about you specifically. You didn’t want to push the hospitality he gave… didn’t want to overstay your welcome.
So, even when a voice in the back of your head, one more tender and delicate than you’d heard from yourself in years, piped up with Stay. It’s safe here, you forced yourself away. You carefully untangled from the blankets, not wanting to wake him yet. Once you were standing, you turned back around to adjust the blankets so they would remain over his chest and arms.
You paused when your eyes caught him, still asleep and more relaxed than you’d ever seen. No furrow between his eyes, no indent below his cheekbone from where he would grind his teeth; just a dusting of pink across the bridge of his nose from where the cold had seeped in just a little. His mouth rested, so unlike the sneer usually reserved for you. Something about it made you want to run your thumb over his bottom lip and–
You stood, took several steps back.
That indignation in your belly turned into something akin to longing. You forced a breath through your nose, pushed the feeling down and away. Then you, too, turned away. You didn’t know when Stark would be able to get a team out here, might as well find something to keep yourself busy.
You bit hard down on your lip under your scarf, tasting copper as you turned the flat screwdriver.
One more time.
You wedged it into the space between the stereo and where it was mounted on the interior wall, trying to find the right angle to…
Little more to the left.
Angle, and–
Music burst from the speaker, jumbled and incoherent as it wasn’t tuned to the channels, but music nonetheless. You laughed in pride that your hypothesis about the stereo being isolated enough from the elements to work with a few… adjustments, was correct. You moved your scarf and dropped the screwdriver between your teeth, balancing on a chair as you messed around with different buttons, searching for the antenna system.
Rock… country… rap… pop…
“What are you doing?”
His voice was brusque, almost impatient, and you jumped at the intrusion. You hadn’t even heard him approaching.
You turned from the radio, finding him standing in the doorway with that usual wide-leg, crossed arms posture. His face was set in something strict, as if he had just woken up and remembered where he was.
You removed the screwdriver and cleared your throat, brushing off his tone, “Trying to get us some music… maybe we won’t be bored to death.”
Something passed over his eyes, they became wide and cautious as he stepped forward. “We don’t need music,” he said.
You only scoffed, turning back to mess with the radio some more, it was on some heavy metal station now. “What do you mean? I thought you liked music?” Sam had said so at least.
You knew you liked similar music, so you didn’t really see the issue. You had always loved music from the 40 and 50s specifically. When you were very young, your parents had found your biological grandmother. They said they wanted you to know some of where you came from, and she was more than grateful for them reaching out. Your best memories were listening to her sing Eta James, or dancing to Bill Crosby over the radio. You carried it with you after she passed, along with anything she shared about her childhood.
“We have better things to be doing.” He reasoned, but it sounded more like an excuse to you. You weren’t about to let his gruff attitude ruin you trying to find a little entertainment.
You disguised the jab with a lighthearted tone, “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the deck,” another jab at the stereo system, “You said we can’t go into town. So, no. We really don’t have better things to do.”
He growled your name, but it was too late.
The music cut out for several worrisome moments before the stunning voice of Ella Fitzgerald came through as the station leveled out. You gasped in delight, jumping off the chair and stepping back as if you could see the music notes filtering out of the speakers.
You felt like jumping up and down, spinning to the rhythm of dream a little dream of me. Something about it made the cold just that much more tolerable. It brought back memories of stories your grandma told you. You would come to learn your biological parents had been from New York, and so had she. She would take you and your mom and dad to coney island, tell you all her stories from there, then you’d sing something like this on the way home. She’d let you go through all her big hats that her mother had passed down, and her mary janes.
You did end up spinning in a slow circle, singing along–
Until the music stopped completely.
You froze, turning to find the stereo completely disconnected from the wall. When you followed the sparking wires as they fizzled out, you found a metal hand clenched tight, then two blue eyes set on you.
Your mouth opened in shock, all he did was stare you down. Still in just his thermal layers, you noticed the tension that melted last night was back in full force. That divot in his jaw appeared along with the strain around his eyes. You’d think someone had kicked his cat for how offended he looked. It almost forced you a step back, almost, except this was the man you knew. This was the man you were sure fantasized about throwing you off roofs. You knew this man.
But weren’t you doing a nice thing? You didn’t understand. You had heard Sam tease him for not knowing modern classics, and heard him mumble about how much he liked listening to music that reminded him of home. 40s music. So, what had you done wrong?
You expected him to speak, to say something. But then he dropped the stereo, let it fall to the ground, and turned his eyes away from you. With a look that must have been all soldier, he turned for the door.
But as you stood there and stared at the radio that had been ripped from the wall, hearing it glitch as the room fell into inevitable silence, you found that the action had hurt you. More than it probably should have. Or maybe it was all the actions up to this point: the obviously insincere kindness from last night mixing with this moment. You didn’t care anymore about being nice. About being civil. Not about the phone call or the mission briefing or any of it.
You turned to him with a fire in your throat, “What the hell is wrong with you?!” You shouted at his back. You had to admit it felt good to give the frustration somewhere to go.
You saw him freeze in the doorway, practically watched the cyborg gears turning in his head. They must have short circuited, because then he was turning back and curling his lip in a way you were all too familiar with. But that was okay, you could work with this. This wasn’t the uncomfortable feeling you got from being cared for.
It didn’t exactly give you that same warmth either, but you told yourself you didn’t need it.
“Excuse me?” it was deadly, the tone he used. You were sure it made many targets roll over and show their bellies, not you.
“Don’t act like you didn’t hear me,” you took a step forward, motioning back to the broken radio, “What the fuck kind of problem could you possibly have with the radio?”
“You know damn well I don’t have a goddamn problem with the radio,” he snarled, matching your step forward, “my problem is you. Always has been.”
You could have acted shocked. You weren’t, you were almost relieved. Let him tell you. Let him remind you that pining after him was useless. Let him remind you that you hate him, and he hates you, and you’ve never needed anyone. Never will.
“Yeah, I got that. ‘You ever going to tell me why?” You shout back, another step forward.
“Because you go and do shit like this!”
“Like what?! Try to give us something to do while we’re stuck here? Put on music we both like–”
“You remind me of the 40s!”
His snarl cut through the room, loud and rasped, and you flinched back from the shock of the words. The room fell into silence. You were close now, maybe no more than a foot of space between you, chests heaving from how quickly you got worked up. Your face twisted in skepticism. What could that possibly have to do with anything? What did it even mean in the first place?
You didn’t have to ask, because he was leaning closer the next second. You were reminded once more of how his eyes rivaled the tundra.
“Do you know how infuriating it is to be constantly reminded of a home that no longer exists? To do the work, to become comfortable in modern times when the world has completely changed and your mind is still in another century, only to learn that none of it matters–”
“What are you–”
“Uh-uh,” he held up a finger to you, “none of it matters because here comes my little teammate wanting to play dress-up. Wanting to pretend she’s different because she knows Sinatra, or because The Shop Around the Corner is her favorite movie! Listen to me, it doesn’t matter. You know nothing. You’re a little girl biting off more than she can chew with this team because you had no where else to go, and then you had to go walking around in your polka dot–”
You didn’t think before your hand flew out, all you knew was that you wanted him to shut up. You were done listening, done letting him pretend he knew anything.
The slap rang out across the space, his head snapping to the side probably out of shock more than actual force. You were somewhat shocked too, it wasn’t like you to resort to that kind of thing outside the sparring ring or field. You didn’t like it. You had been raised to talk it out, not to resort to fists unless they started it first.
Yet when his eyes came back to yours, that typically cold blue now blazing, you found you didn’t really care when your hands planted on his chest and shoved. Hard. He barely moved.
“You–” it was your turn to point a finger, “are a piece of shit, James Barnes. You don’t know anything about me or who I am–”
“Ya’ seem pretty easy to read to me.” He snapped, his Brooklyn accent thicker in the midst of his anger.
“Well, news flash!” You mocked, “You know fuck-all! And honestly? I don’t believe that’s the entire reason. You like being reminded of your home, I’ve seen you!”
“I’m allowed to!” He turned it on you, “You don’t get to take something you know nothing about and pretend–”
“I’m not pretending! Why would I be?” You scoffed, “It was passed down to me by the only grandparent I had left, you asshole!”
“Exactly, I–” He stopped short and looked down at you, then at the lack of space between you two. You were tempted to drop your eyes under the scrutiny, but you didn’t, you chose to watch as several emotions passed by his eyes.
It looked like he was about to speak again when the crew door opened suddenly, the cold outside air wafting in. The conversation was immediately dropped when potential danger was sensed. You both turned, legs wide, and reached for your guns.
But it was only Sam and Natasha, standing just below the jet with expectant looks.
“Heard you two needed a rescue,” She called up to the deck, your heart just about burst.
“Better late than never, aye, tin man?” Sam jogged up, clasping Bucky over the shoulder while you grabbed your bag and walked past both of them.
“Thank god,” you mumbled as you reached Natasha.
She looked you over, then above your shoulder to where Bucky stood behind you, “That bad, huh?” she asked after noting that neither of you were injured.
You sighed, “Consider it a miracle we didn’t kill each other.”
You didn’t bother to tell her that last night would have made a completely different story, and that you honestly felt whiplashed at the back and forth. No, you just followed her to the Quinjet. Sam and Bucky entered behind you, but you didn’t pay attention. Only returning a smile to Sam’s teasing before finding a spot in the back of the ship beside a window. You didn’t bother making small talk the rest of the flight.
When the jet landed, you were the first one off. Throwing your duffel bag over your shoulder and not even looking back. The climate here was better, meaning you needed out of your six layers, one was discarded in the jet, now. You brushed past Steve and Tony, which would have felt a little rude if their expressions didn’t look like they expected it. Everyone knew the two of you couldn’t get along, and yet the look on Steve’s face was almost devastated. You almost wanted to ask why he looked like someone had crushed his hopes and dreams, but honestly, you were already done for the day.
The only person you saw for the rest of the day was Wanda, who had stopped by after you had gotten cleaned up. She must have sensed you needed a debrief, because she just listened while you paced and ran your hands through your hair and called him every name under the sun. You appreciated that she heard you, that you felt seen. What you did not appreciate was what came after. When you groaned that you hated him and she cocked her head at you from her spot on the bed, “Are you sure?”
You stopped, dropping your hands and turning to her with a face that said: have you not been paying attention?
She shrugged, “It’s just… I’ve seen how you look when you dislike someone, and you’re not the combative type. This energy is… intense,” she looked at you as if she could literally see said energy, “I just wonder if there’s something more…”
You huffed, “There isn’t.” You would speak it into existence if you had to. Or, more correctly, out of existence.
Wanda just hummed, slowly nodding, like she was piecing observations together. Then she concluded with, “You just seem riled up.”
“I’m just frustrated by the entire situation. I mean, he accused me of playing dress-up, who does that?” You forced yourself to shake off the memory, because replaying it only aggravated you more.
“Maybe you need a distraction?”
“I don’t feel like going to the gym right now…”
“I didn’t mean the gym,” Wanda stood from her perch, walking to your wardrobe and shifting through the hangers. You turned, watching with a furrowed brow before she found what she was looking for. Then she turned to you, holding a hanger with a frilly, white beaded dress. It was one of your favorites because it looked just like something you had seen in photographs of your grandmother and great grandmother.
But you weren’t sure what she was getting at now, “Wanda…”
“You need a break,” She closed your wardrobe and hung the dress on the outside of it, “Maybe not today, but tomorrow? Several of us were assigned to missions this morning, so the tower will be mostly empty.” She turned back to you, something conflicting in her expression as she placed her hands on your shoulders, “Go do something you enjoy. Wear your dress, listen to as much Sinatra and Armstrong as you want, and ignore him.’’
She left not long after, and you sat in bed staring at the dress where it hung. She was right, you should just ignore him. He had no right to get under your skin, and you were ashamed that you let him. Except you would rather hang onto the anger than what happened when you laid down for bed that night. When your cheek hit the pillow, suddenly you were back in that jetship in the middle of the night, except the cold wasn’t in your bones this time. The pillow very quickly became the hard muscle of his chest, your blankets feeling like the protection of his arms if you didn’t know better. Even his scent was ingrained in your memory.
You forced yourself awake every time it happened, pushing the memory away. You didn’t like how many times you had to do that before falling asleep. It made you wonder if, by some chance, he was having the same trouble.
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“You wanna talk about it?”
Bucky barely glanced up at the sound of Steve’s voice, who stood in the doorway looking at him expectantly. He thought about not responding, maybe even pretending he was invisible. But Steve was giving him that look he always did, that told him he saw right through his bullshit. It didn’t help that he was sitting in the common room in the middle of the night, his duffel bag still on the carpet in front of him, not unpacked nor in his room. He was on the couch, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. So yeah, he wasn’t doing much to hide his distress.
He sighed, finally lifting his head, “Why’d you put us on that mission?” Because he had to have known it was a bad idea. You didn’t like him. He was already incapable of not making a fool of himself, but this time he’d set a record.
Steve pushed off the doorway, giving that token Captain America headshake of disappointment, “Because I get it.”
Well, if that wasn’t the most vague answer possible. “What’s there to get?” Also, what could he possibly get?
There were several moments where Steve looked to be choosing his words wisely before he met his eyes again. This time with more confidence when he said, “You’re different now, Buck. You’re not the same man you were in the 40s, neither of us are.”
Bucky scoffed, turning away, “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”
“I’m saying,” he stopped on the other side of the coffee table, “that it can be hard to experience intense feelings again after decades of nothing… especially in a new time and place.”
Bucky’s eyes snapped back, face twisting in obstinance. Steve was right, he knew it, they both knew it. He didn’t hate you, he wasn’t even the least frustrated by you… at least not how he’d portrayed it. He was just… struck. Struck was the only word for it. Dumbfounded, too. He thought he’d never get to go home except in photographs and literature. He often visited his parents' street in Brooklyn, but never felt anything fill that ache in his chest.
Until you walked in that day, humming Ole Blue Eyes with your hair pinned in big curls. He wasn’t sure how you did it, how you transported him back in time with just the sway of your dress around your knees. But in that moment, it was 1942. He was untouched by war and torture, with nothing to do but spin the most beautiful girl he’d seen around the bar all night. He felt light. He felt sick. It was the kind of pleasure that hit you hard enough that you weren’t sure it was pleasing at all.
And Steve was right. He wasn’t the James Buchanan Barnes of the 40s. He didn’t have the same charm, the perfect lines. All he had was his fear of anything intense. Anything that wasn’t mundane, because mundane was safe. Alone… alone was safe. So, he lied. To you, yes, but even more so to himself. Told himself you were performing, playing dress-up, maybe even compensating for what you never had. The entire time he was falling… hanging onto every moment he saw you in polka dots or plaid. And then when he learned who you were? Smart as a whip, confident, compassionate? He knew he was fucked.
Steve had to have seen this on his face, because he said, “Talk to me, pal.”
Bucky wasn’t sure he had the words when he dropped his head back into his hands. With a groan, he admitted, “I said some horrible things, Steve.”
He nodded, and Bucky was grateful for the lack of judgement in his expression. He was already beating himself up, he didn’t need anyone to add onto it.
When he didn’t immediately respond, Bucky continued, “She started showing symptoms of hypothermia early in the night… I was so panicked, all I could do was cover her up.” He swallowed hard, dropping his hands and hanging his head, “I held her all night and in the morning I woke up to her hardwiring the radio to play 40s music and I… I couldn’t handle it.”
“Did you try to make it right?” He asked.
“I didn’t have time. She ran the minute the jet landed,” He looked back up at Steve, “I don’t think she’d listen anyway.”
“If you told her the truth, I bet she would.”
“I wouldn’t even know what to say… like you said, I’m not who I was.”
Steve shrugged, gave him a smile, “You don’t need to be, I don’t think lines would work on her anyway. Just be honest.”
Bucky scoffed and pushed off the couch, he wrung his hands out to fight the urge to pull at his hair. “It’s been a year of this, there’s no way–”
“I’ve never known you to not work for what you want.” Steve cut him off with a voice that said he didn’t have a doubt about the statement.
And it happened to be exactly what James Barnes needed to hear. He’d come too far to back down from a challenge. He knew how to put in effort, put in the work; but, as awful as it sounded, “I think I’d rather her hate me than lose her altogether.”
Steve only had one response to that: “But what if you didn’t lose her? What if she didn’t hate you at all?”
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In the end, you did exactly as Wanda said. While your body was still exhausted, probably from working overtime to keep homeostatic balance in the frigid climate, you forced yourself up and out of bed. You threw your hair in heat rollers and buttoned the delicate beads of the dress. Delicate was the perfect word for it, which is why it was one of your favorites. You spent so much of your time in tactical gear that you enjoyed the soft silk fabric brushing your skin. It made life feel more peaceful. You didn’t feel ashamed of the femininity of it, not when you knew part of your femininity lay in your strength. Neither could be taken from you.
You spent all day in the sunshine, walking through the parks of NYC and listening to the birds and the sound of squirrels playing in the trees. It was refreshing, feeling a breeze that didn’t chill you down to the bone. You drank hot coffee just to feel the warmth of it in your belly, and the pain in your hands when it got too hot. You sat on a bench and watched couples picnic in the park, and smiled at how in love they looked. You forced down the pang of jealousy when you heard a man compliment the woman he shared a checkered blanket with, it wasn’t their fault you were alone. Or that, when you did have taste in men, it was untimely and poor.
You shook the thought from your mind several times as you walked along the sidewalk, your kitten heels making soft noises against the concrete. You windowshopped and browsed through stores you couldn’t afford, just to feel like a normal New York citizen and not like a member of the Avengers.
Alas, when the sun began to set and your legs grew tired, you knew you had to head back to the tower. The halls were quiet with the absence of the team, and you wondered who was gone and who remained behind. You figured you’d know soon as you walked the hallway to the kitchen, looking for dinner.
It was your name being called behind you that made you stop before finding your way through the door. You turned around, and there he was. Halfway down the hall, Bucky stood with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He was wearing one of those stupid henleys that sat too tight across his chest, and his hair was rumpled. Messy. Something about it matched the look in his eyes and they way he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he stared at you.
You pulled in a deep breath, feeling the lace of your bodice brush against you. You knew you’d have to face him at some point, and there was no real reason to put it off. He was also your teammate, whether he liked it or not. You never had an issue with him besides how he treated you, and that you wanted to know why. Now that you did, you weren’t sure what to do. It was an absurd reason, and also not one you had any care to do anything about.
You cleared your throat, “Yes?”
There was a moment where he looked… unsure? You weren’t sure you had the word for it, and yet that was all it could be. He genuinely looked nervous when he glanced at his shoes then back at you. Several moments passed before you felt your patience waning, your brows raised expectantly. Only then did he mutter, “I want to explain.”
Oh. Straight to the point.
You shrugged, “You explained clearly, there was no misunderstanding.” Wanting to leave it at that, you took a step closer to the kitchen. You figured he’d let you, and that he’d let it go. You could be teammates and mind your business outside of missions. You’d watch and listen and wear whatever you wanted and it wouldn’t have to bother him, because it didn’t have to affect him.
But he only stepped closer down the hall, “I mean that I want to apologize.” The words were rushed, as if out before he could really form them.
You looked over your shoulder, your face twisting, “Excuse me?” You must have misheard.
And yet, “I want to apologize.” He said after pulling in a breath. Then he dropped his shoulders and stood straighter, lifting his chin as if embracing the statement. You saw that confidence you were used to, at least a little of it. “My behavior was hurtful and I–”
“You were honest.” You cut him off, still half turned away, because this was awkward and you didn’t know how to navigate it, “Now we can–”
“But I wasn’t.” It was several steps forward this time, and that desperation crept back in his tone. He was no more than a few meters away, his hands out of his pockets and limp at his sides. “I wasn’t,” he repeated, “I…” he looked pained, his eyes flickering over your face as if testing your reaction.
You couldn’t remember the last time you were this confused in an interaction, yet you decided that fine, you’d bite. You gave him your full attention, “What do you mean, you weren’t honest?”
The question didn’t seem to help, and you couldn’t help but notice how he couldn’t quite look at you. He’d glance at you, at your dress and curls, and then pointedly away. “I called you infuriating, which you are… it’s just that…” he trailed off, going quiet.
You felt your eyes narrow, he was just here to rub it in, “Thanks for the reminder, Barnes–”
“No!” He stepped closer, then back again. “I meant that–that you are, just not in the way I said.”
What?
You froze, shaking your head slowly as if trying to find sense in the words.
But he only kept going, “You are infuriating in your ability to pin me without so much as a look. Really,” he said your name like a plea, “everyone sees it but you. You walk into a room, and I’m done for–”
“I walk in a room, and you leave–”
“Because I don’t know what to do! Do you have any clue what it's like to feel nothing for seventy years, and then everything in the span of a few seconds?” He looked at you now, lifted a hand over his heart as if to show you, and you felt yours stop as you got an idea of what he meant.
But he couldn’t possibly–
“You walk in a room,” he repeated slowly, “and suddenly I’m twenty, standing in a crowded speakeasy trying to remember how to ask the most beautiful girl in the room to dance.”
Oh.
But your head shook, your heel taking a step back, “Bucky, this isn’t funny–”
“I’m not joking.” He said immediately, his face broken, “I wish I was. But, God, doll, of all the things I’ve done, I don’t think joking about this is one I could manage.”
Doll. You’d heard that before, through frozen ears. It made your stomach flutter then too. “I don’t understand.” Your voice breaks, your feet suddenly feeling shaky in your heels.
“I know,” he nods, “I know. I’ve been horrible to you, and I’m so unbelievably sorry. I… I don’t have any excuse besides that I had no clue how to process it. I didn’t only lie to you, I lied to myself every time I saw you…” his eyes lifted to your hair, dropped to your dress, “every time you wore something like this and I felt sick, I told myself I hated you… but I don’t think I ever even believed myself.”
You stared, and stared… and then stared some more. Your mouth dropping open and your eyes blinking as if testing if he’d disappear. He didn’t. He stood in front of you, strong and broad like the soldier you knew, but with heartbreak in eyes that were usually steele. You suddenly understood the nerves, feeling them yourself too. A hundred thoughts raced through your mind, and yet you were still at a loss for words.
He splayed his hands as if begging, but you knew he never begged. And yet, “Please say something…”
Your mouth moved wordlessly for several moments, the past year rushing through your mind just as it had when he broke the radio. “So this whole time… every insult…”
He was already shaking his head, “I didn’t mean it. I don’t even know why it started, I just know that when you snapped back that first time… suddenly any attention from you was enough. I’d take whatever you’d give me.”
That statement, more than anything else, brought a reaction out of you. The butterflies and the nerves were still there, yes, but suddenly you were angry. This entire time you had scolded yourself for finding him attractive when he was…
You found yourself closing the distance, only to plant your hands on his chest with a shove and, “You idiot!”
He seemed to take that as rejection, lifting his hands and stepping back, “Okay, I’m sorry–”
But you didn’t let him, immediately stepping into his space, “You’re telling me we’ve been arguing and–and I’ve been shaming myself for feeling anything for you when we…” you trailed off, that anger dissipating into realization. He hadn’t actually said he wanted you, and you knew better than to get your hopes up.
He said your name in the form of a question, but you were already shaking your head.
You felt an unfamiliar sting behind your eyes when you sneered at him, “You know I have no one, and I’m okay with it. I’m used to it, so trying to toy with me isn’t going to work–”
You went to step back, but he grabbed your wrist and pulled you into him with another call of your name. You didn’t want to look at him, but when he caught your cheek and turned you, all you saw in his eyes was awe. Pure affection that stripped you down and made you feel exposed. A look that you weren’t sure any man had ever given you. He didn’t even say anything, just met your eyes and made sure you saw everything he felt.
And then he was kissing you. His hand slid from your wrist to your waist, pulling you in while he kept you close with the hand over your cheek. It was soft, if a little hungry, his lips moving over yours and coaxing a response. It took a minute before you realized that you did indeed need to respond, and slotted your mouth over his.
Except that anger wasn’t completely gone, something just as intense burning deep. So, after moments of matching that gentle back and forth, you sunk your teeth into his bottom lip and pulled. As if to say, don’t make me regret this.
The minute he felt it, his mouth following yours as you tugged, he groaned deep in his chest. A sound you weren’t even sure he was aware of. But then his hand was sliding from your cheek into your hair, his arm wrapping fully around your waist and gripping your dress. He fisted your hair tight, forcing your head back so he could kiss you harder. You felt trapped in his arms in a way that felt entirely safe, like nothing could touch you here. There was no world, no avengers, no accident. Nothing to worry about but the taste of him on your lips and the press of the wall he backed you into.
And when you both pulled away, breathless, he pressed his forehead to yours and whispered, “You have me. All of me. You have always had me.”
note: this is my first time posting in a long time, and also my longest fic so far! I haven't gotten to write creatively for a long time (fuck you college) so this was honestly a challenge. I hope everyone enjoyed it. And if not, it will improve as I get back into the swing of things lol
Summary: After 5 years of being single, you find your new roommate worming his way into your strictly planned routine. Suddenly, you aren’t the only one pulling all the weight, and you’re not sure what to do about it. The guard you carefully placed around your heart feels close to breaking, and you’re surprised to find you aren't entirely opposed. One romance novel and one rehearsal dinner later… the truth will come out.
warnings/tags: No use of Y/N. Post-college roommate AU. Not canon compliant. Mentions of romanogers or whatever their ship is called. Roommates to lovers. Idiots to lovers. Brief mention of the notebook by Nicholas sparks (cited in APA bc I didn’t know how to cite that in fanfiction lmao). Hyper independent!Reader. Anxious!Reader. Mention of past relationship. Light trauma and attachment styles. Angst because it’s my drug of choice. Smut (I’m scared). Soft!Dom!Bucky. Praise and dirty talk. PinV. Unprotected smut- please do not treat this like a sexEd class. Oral (F! Receiving). Fingering. He has a kink for taking care of you? Idk let me know if I missed anything.
MDNI !!! 18+
wc: 10k
Disclaimer: first time writing smut this detailed. Go easy on me, or don’t. I’ll be anxious about posting this either way lol. Proofread by me and only me (I have no friends to talk abt this with so like we should totally be mutuals tehe)
It really seemed like a no-brainer to you when the topic came up at the engagement dinner. Steve and Natasha weren’t trying to kick him out. In fact, it wasn’t even their idea. He was the one who said it made the most sense, that they needed their space and he should find his own. Sam joked that he just didn’t wanna hear the bed banging on the other side of the wall, if they “knew what he meant.” Bucky’s face, and the red on Steve’s cheeks, told you he wasn’t too far off.
So, when he mentioned to you that he wanted to keep a roommate, you didn’t hesitate to offer that he move into your apartment. After all, Wanda had moved out a year ago when her and Vision found a house on the outskirts of the city. You had the extra room, and you didn’t mind offering him help. You had known him for years throughout college, if only through mutual friends, but you enjoyed his company. He was the type that didn’t expect anything out of you during conversation. It flowed naturally, or if it didn’t then you simply sat in comfortable silence. You had discovered through several discussions that you shared the same taste in literature, and you both preferred the night to the morning.
You knew living together would be easy, and you were nothing if not capable of adapting. If need be, you’d just work around each other's schedules and respect the other’s space. You had never had any expectations of your roommates, not since you became used to your own capability. If you needed something done, you’d figure out how to do it. Wanda had said several times that she often wasn’t even aware you were around, given your nature to tending to yourself. You understood what she meant, because there was a point in time where you had to force the habit. Your last relationship was happy, you really had no right to complain… it was only that he never wanted to do any favor you asked. Something as simple as taking out the trash could turn into a huge argument about you “suffocating” him. Which was fine, you had found in the recent years that you liked your independence more than reliance on others.
So, when you offered, you assured Bucky that you knew how to pull your weight. You were not simply asking him just because you thought it’d be useful to have a man around.
You figured you were on the same page when he gave you an easy smile, a teasing scrunch of his nose, and leaned over to say, “Don’t you worry about a thing, sweetheart.”
Oh, you were wrong.
~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅
It started small, with chivalrous things you hadn’t realized you missed until he did them so easily. There was no show about it, no performance. It wasn’t grand or mind blowing.
He opened your door.
The day he moved in, you had been out grocery shopping, getting home right as he finished up. He had gone back outside to park his car. You beat him up the stairs, grocery bags making red indents in the skin of each of your arms. You didn’t mind, until you came to the door and found you couldn’t even reach it. You mumbled several curses while trying to maneuver for your keys and not drop the bags, this was a weekly occurrence after all.
“Let me,” came that familiar voice from behind you, two hands reaching for the bags on your arms before you had a chance to even respond.
He glanced down at your arms with a frown, looking at you as if disappointed. Then, bags in hand, he reached for his key and opened the door, waiting for you to enter first. You blinked at his steady smile, looking between him and the entrance to the apartment. When you walked in, he followed behind and came to set the bags on the counter.
“You don’t have to do that,” you stopped him as he began taking things out of the bags, “I’m sure you need to unpack.”
He simply scrunched his nose as if you were just being silly, “I am capable of both, you know.”
And you supposed you did know, given his success on the college hockey team. The strength and stamina shared between him and Steve was a highlighting topic among many broadcasting channels. Not that you paid attention, or anything. Still, though it was a helpful gesture, something about it made you uncomfortable enough to stop him again. “It’s just that…” you offered a smile, “I’m kind of crazy about organizing everything.”
He glanced between your eyes and the fidgeting of your fingers, stepping back with an easy smile and a, “Whatever you say,” before retreating to his room to unpack.
It continued like that, small things that you didn’t know how to feel about. After all, opening the door for others was just polite. It spoke to how introverted you were that it was a novelty. The same applied to carrying heavier objects, or offering to do your laundry when he was already putting in a load. You were baffled to have them returned to you perfectly folded.
You supposed you were just good friends who enjoyed each other's company, even if his accommodating attitude set you off balance. You enjoyed how he paid attention. Getting to know each other was a simple exchange of observations, where you learned that you mirrored the other often. Except for a few things.
It was late afternoon on a sunday, you had just stepped out of the shower and thrown on a long shirt and shorts. You stepped out of your room, into the living area where the golden New York sunset seeped through the windows. There was Bucky, haloed by the light, setting a book back on your shelves only to take another off. You stopped and watched as he ran his finger over the spine, then split the pages. His brows drew together, but his lip turned up.
“What is it?” You spoke up.
He looked up to you immediately, only his eyes seemed to drag up from your bare legs to your wet hair. That smile grew into a smirk, his tongue darting out over his bottom lip. He took his time, like he always seemed to. Like he didn’t know what it meant to rush. Yet he never left you hanging, “You’ve annotated every book on this shelf.”
It wasn’t a question, just an observation, lifting the book in his hands as if to prove the point. He was holding Pride and Prejudice. Your eyes widened as you took sight of your neat scribbles in pink ink, taking several steps forward and opening your mouth to respond.
Only, he beat you to it, eyes flickering back to the page, “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of Mr. Darcy described using the word ‘daddy.’”
Your mouth fell open completely, in fact your jaw might have unhinged itself altogether. The way he read the word aloud with no shame whatsoever? You remembered feeling embarrassed just writing it across the page.
You forced yourself to stand straighter, crossing your arms and clearing your throat.
“Well, you obviously haven’t been on booktok very often, then.” You raised your brow, turning the challenge onto him.
He only took it in stride, leaning a shoulder against the bookshelf and giving you a deliberate once over. “Oh really? You’re telling me there’s an entire community out there for the kinds of things you write in these margins?” He turned his attention back to the flipping pages, muttering more so to himself, “interesting.”
You scoffed, finally reaching out and snatching the book from his hungry eyes, “Oh, give me that!” You turned to place it back where it belonged, next to Emma. “And for your information, no. Not all of them are annotated.”
You expecting more teasing from where he stood, still leaned on the shelves. Like he was right where he wanted to be. Only, his smug expression softened into something closer to curiosity. “Yeah, I was wondering about that…” then he reached a corded arm over you, almost caging you between him and the bookshelf. You lowered your eyes immediately, because seriously, he wasn’t even flexing, were his biceps naturally that large? Was that normal? It felt disrespectful to even look. But he brought it back down soon after, holding in his hand the one book you hadn’t touched with a pen.
When he still didn’t move away, you took it upon yourself, taking a considerable step to the side. He only thumbed through the pages, as if to prove his point, “What’s so different about The Notebook?”
What couldn’t be more different? You wanted to say. You simply turned your eyes to the shelves, exhaling a dissatisfied breath. “It’s unrealistic.”
“Unrealistic?” He laughed, pointing to the top shelf, “More than The Chronicles of Narnia?” Which was littered with your takes on favorite moments and quotes.
You rolled your eyes, “It’s unrealism disguised as realistic.” You shrugged, trying not to sound bitter, “I mean, what kind of man genuinely asks a woman what she wants, and then vows to give her all of it?”
He didn’t miss a beat, “A good one.” His voice was softer then, and you didn’t like the look in his eyes when you met them again. Like he was reading you now, like you were a puzzle he was slowly piecing together. He looked as if he just found another fitted piece.
“Yes, well,” you tried to sound unbothered, because you were unbothered. It didn’t matter. It never had. “Sometimes you have to be ‘a good man’ for yourself.”
The conversation ended there, because you felt exposed under his gaze, and plucked a book before retreating back to your room. The Hobbit this time.
You hadn’t noticed the book was missing until you walked into the apartment a week later and noticed the unbalanced lean of other books on the shelf. Some had fallen over into the empty spot it had left. Your mouth turned into a frown, but you quickly brushed it off. Maybe he wanted to read it. Maybe he’d feel the same way you did in the end, that it was a pointless kind of fantasy, and you would laugh together about it.
When it returned to its spot, however, you felt your palms itch immediately. For what reason, you didn’t know. You asked him if he liked it the following morning, and he gave a simple “yeah,” that somehow made you more antsy. He didn’t give anything else but a shrug, before turning the conversation to teasing you about your inability to get a pancake to the perfect temperature without burning it on one side.
When you were alone in the apartment, you finally groaned in frustration and picked it up. You didn’t know what you expected, because you knew he didn’t so much as highlight his books, and yet…
You found quotes highlighted in marker to match the cover, small annotations written in black at the edge of the pages.
“She would tell him what she wanted in her life--her hopes and dreams for the future--and he would listen intently and then promise to make it all come true.”
“She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.” (Nicholas Sparks, 2000).
And off to the side: You deserve all of it. Everything.
You shut the book immediately and put it back, stepping away with a hand over your chest. It was as if you actually heard alarms go off in the back of your brain, red sirens flaring. It was unfair of him to plant any idea of that in your head. You wringed your hands and turned away, not liking the chasm that formed in your chest. The ache it created. Within minutes you had your bag and were out of the apartment, trying to get as far from that bookshelf as possible.
Then it became… more. He took notice of your work schedule several weeks in, noting when you would usually come home late and when you usually went without dinner as a result. Suddenly, you were coming home to dinner on the table and a Bucky who only smiled and asked about your day. Suddenly, the dishwasher was emptied before you had a chance to get to it. Suddenly, the washer wasn’t making that horrible noise anymore and the volume on your TV didn’t randomly move up and down. But he never mentioned the bookshelf.
You didn’t let it affect your expectations. He was just being nice, trying to make a good impression. It was sweet. Gentlemanly. You continued your routine as you had before he moved in, only more deliberately. In hindsight, you might not even have noticed yourself doing it. Anything you said you would do, you made sure it got done early. Even if he brushed you off and said he would take out the trash in the morning, you would wake up early and do it, responding innocently when he eyed the new bag in the can.
You worked hard at your HR internship, then came home and worked some more. You liked the space clean and organized, probably more than you even realized. It’s only that you were used to relying on yourself; not even your maintenance men were helpful–
“What are you doing?” Bucky said from somewhere above you, his tone sounding like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing.
You slid out from under the sink, wrench in hand, “There’s a leak.”
The crease in his brow was obvious, his mouth opened as if you said something offensive, “Didn’t you just get back from work?”
“Mhm.” You figured you could work and talk, leaning back under the sink.
“And you didn’t think to–hey!” Before you knew it, a hand was wrapped around your ankle, and you were tugged across the tile until you were no longer laying under the sink. Bucky had knelt down, like getting closer would get his point across, “I’m right here.”
Yes, yes he was. Right there. Close enough that you could lean up and you’d be sharing the same breath. You could pick the grey out from the blue in his eyes, the hint of something solemn, yet all you did was look at him with a questioning expression.
He sighed, shaking his head, “You’ve been working all day, let me fix the sink.” He held his hand out for the wrench.
You didn’t give it to him, “You’ve been working too.”
“From home,” he said simply, “You have been on your feet–”
“This doesn’t require me to be on my feet.” You motioned to the fact that you were very much on the floor.
He turned his head away, muttered something that sounded an awful lot like “unbelievable” before taking a deep breath and meeting your eyes again, “Why won’t you let me help?”
You didn’t want to open that topic at the moment, so you decided to hit him with the biggest card you had, “Do you not think I’m capable of fixing the sink?”
The look he gave you told you he was not going to fall for that game, but he only said: “I think you’re incapable of relaxing.”
You shrugged, “I’ll relax when the sink is fixed.”
“Or,” the wrench was plucked from your hand when you least expected it, “You go change, get settled, and I will have this fixed in thirty minutes.”
“Or,” you growled, reaching for the wrench he held high above your head, “you could let me–” you huffed, shifting to reach higher, “just give it–” you didn’t even think before using his shoulder as leverage, and your sentence turned into a squeal as you fell forward. Directly onto him. Your thighs split across his abdomen as you landed, his breath coming out in a rough exhale as he hit the tile. You hadn’t had much time to catch yourself and focus on grabbing the wrench, meaning you fell directly onto his chest.
You were certainly sharing air now.
The look on his face was… you didn’t have time to read the look on his face. You scrambled off him so quickly, muttering several “I’m so sorry”s and “oh my god”s because you were splayed completely across him and you felt way more than you should have and–
You only breathed once you got back to the safety of your room, realizing then that you basically just surrendered the battle. Your pride swelled, scolded you for losing focus all because you forgot what it felt like to be pressed up against…
You shook your head, not the time.
The next morning, you would turn the faucet to find the sink working perfectly. No leak at all. And Bucky wouldn’t mention a thing.
~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅
Somehow, it got worse after that. You noticed the vase on the coffee table, the green one you found thrifting, had a new bouquet every week. Now, when you came home late, he wouldn’t have just made you dinner, but he’d wait to eat his with you. At the table, without a phone in sight. When you went somewhere, found yourself cold halfway through whatever event you were attending, he’d appear with an extra jacket he’d brought, “because you were too stubborn to grab one, doll, even though you always get cold.” It was so… domestic. So unlike the life you had made.
So much so that at times, you panicked. Wanda and Natasha didn’t understand it, no matter how much you tried to explain it. They told you to lean into it, and you didn’t know how to tell them you couldn’t. You had been pretty certain that you were happy as you were. You enjoyed your alone time, your career, and the community you had made. You didn’t need romance. You had once been told that love was a disease to a woman with ambition, and you had believed it wholeheartedly.
Now, you weren’t so sure.
You found yourself conflicted once you realized that no, James Barnes was not going to turn around at some point and resent you for all the helpful things he had done. You weren’t sure when it became such an obvious part of his character. Maybe somewhere between him knocking on the door while you showered to place towels—fresh from the dryer—on your counter and him calling every clinic in town on a Friday night to see who could fit you in when you were sick.
“Fuck—“ he threw the phone down on the couch next to your hip. He was crouching in front of you, hand running over his frustrated face. “Every clinic closed at 5.”
You only hummed in acknowledgment, too achy to care. You had been in and out of sleep the entire evening, going between shivering with a fever and breaking into a cold sweat. You only became more aware when you noticed him standing, reaching for his coat, “What are you—“
“We’re going to the ER.” He said as if he wasn’t, in your opinion, half mad. He shrugged on his coat then did a once over for you, turning to your room to presumably grab your shoes.
“What?” You croaked in the most astonished voice you could muster, sitting up on your elbows, “Buck–no, there’s no reason–”
He looked over his shoulder at you as if you were the crazy one, motioning to your form spread across the couch, “You’ve been like this all day. You can barely walk, you won’t eat, you’re feverish–”
“Listen to me…” You pushed yourself up slowly, your heart thundering like each movement was equivalent to a mile, “It is just a cold, I’m sorry–”
He stepped forward then, “Why are you apologizing?”
“I didn’t mean to take up your day, and I don’t want you to have to spend your evening taking me somewhere or nursing me back to health.” You gave him a kind smile. You appreciated him, so much so that something else was blooming next to that ache in your chest. A sort of… fluttering. But this wasn’t his job, “I’m sorry if I’ve kept you.”
He was silent for the time it took him to close the remaining space, his expression looking as if you had spoken a different language entirely. He crouched next to you, shaking his head and gently wrapping his hands around your shoulders to help you lay back down, “I don’t have anywhere else to be…”
“Still, I–”
“Why do you apologize for existing?” The words seemed to spill out of him, as if he couldn’t quite keep them in.
“What?”
“You’re human,” he whispered your name, absentmindedly checking his watch. It was time for medicine again, he reached for the pain reliever and your water. You had to give it to him, he didn’t look the least bit burdened. “It’s natural to need others.”
You took the medicine, laid your head back down, “I’ve taken care of myself this far, I can handle a common cold.”
He gave you that same look from the engagement party, but this time you read his smile as something akin to pity, or maybe affection? He lifted a hand to slide over your cheek, curling in your hair and smoothing it over your pillow, “I know you have, but now I’m here too.”
It didn’t matter when, just that you knew. This kindness was who he was, only that didn’t make him yours. The sweet words, soft touches, helpful gestures… James Barnes was a good man. Perhaps one of the best you would ever come to know, and that in of itself was more difficult than anything. You couldn’t brush him off as incompetent, or ill-mannered, or drowning in toxic masculinity, which had been so easy when dating up to that point. Only you weren’t dating, he wasn’t yours.
It became apparent when, a year after moving in, he announced, “I’m thinking of looking for my own space.”
You were eating takeout on the couch when he said it, curled up on opposite ends of and talking about nothing in particular prior. Then suddenly every nerve in your body lit, your focus zeroing.
Had you been wrong? Did he think you were taking advantage after all?
All you could say was, “Oh.” You set your carton down, suddenly not hungry. Suddenly the quiet atmosphere of the room felt as if you were suffocating.
He seemed to track the movement, as if assessing. His mouth pulled into a frown, “Yeah.”
You pulled your lips inward, biting down on them as you looked literally anywhere else. Which time had it been? When your laundry was done in the dryer, and you hadn’t noticed because you were knee-deep in paperwork, so he folded all of it for you? You hadn’t known what to think when he handed you a pile of your neatly folded panties with a slight blush across his cheeks. Or was it when he noticed your books were overflowing, so he surprised you on your birthday by building in an entire new section to the shelves?
The apartment was practically screaming his name at this point, filled to the brim with his actions. The flowers, the late night dinners, the shelves, all of it. If he had been trying to worm his way in, he had done it.
“It’s just… I saw some listings go up down the street,” he continued, picking at his chow mein, “figured I’d give them a look. Couldn’t hurt, right?”
Right.
You forced your throat to clear, planting on a supportive smile. This was your best friend, moving onto a new chapter of his life, you should be happy. You nodded eagerly, “Yes, that sounds great… um,” you unraveled your legs from below you, “I think I’m ready for bed actually…”
He furrowed his brows, “Already? We’re not even through the first Scream.”
You scrambled for words, “It’s been a long day.”
“Ah, I see,” bless him and his ability to bounce right back, “Natasha said you’re an easy scare, but I never thought–”
You smacked his shoulder, “I am not! You’re the one who was so focused on your book the other day that you jumped at the sound of the doorbell!”
He waved his finger at you, “Not fair! I was reading Stephen King!”
“And what? You were scared the pages were going to jump out at you?”
His mouth fell open, “Oh, you’re not going anywhere–”
Bucky jumped up at the same time as you, blocking your exit from the living you. You squealed, trying to get around the coffee table, but fuck him for being a goalkeeper. He follows you around, and you resort to trying to step onto the table for a fast exit, only to find his arms wrapping around you from behind. You screamed, the giggle in your throat making you feel like a schoolgirl with a crush.
“Got you!” His voice was rough with laughter, and you felt him step back, easily picking you up completely.
“Oh my god,” you slapped his arm around your waist, “put me down!”
“Nope,” he fell back on the couch, bringing you with him. It was unfair, the way he held you, like your previous conversation never happened. His breath tickled your neck as he promised, “Not until we get through at least the first two movies.”
You did eventually make it back to your room that night, shutting the door and falling against it. Your hand came up to cover your mouth. You weren’t proud of the sobs that followed shortly after, or that chasm in your chest that now felt as if it had doubled in size. You groaned in frustration, pulling at your roots.
“There were rules, I had rules…” you pleaded to the ceiling, as if someone would hear you, as you sank to the floor. “I said I wouldn’t change my expectations… that I wouldn’t let it go too far.”
But at some point… it had. At some point, that fluttering you had felt began to wrap around the discomfort like a balm over your heart. It soothed, forcing your guard down. Letting you dream before you even realized you had been. Thinking about what it would be like to trust someone again. To have… not a man to babysit, but a partner who was equal to you in character and intelligence. You thought the girls who said they wanted a man they could turn their brains off with were naive, stupid even, until you started imagining how easy it would be with him. Not all the time, but like an even exchange. Being able to trust that he had you, just as he would trust that you had him.
It was becoming increasingly obvious what had happened.
“Damnit.” You sobbed, your forehead dropping to your knees.
You were upset, but also so angry. So pissed off at yourself for letting this happen. You were smarter than this, stronger than this. They said the most intelligent women didn’t fall for this bullshit, and here you were.
You let yourself cry quietly for another thirty minutes, then you forced yourself up. Off the floor, away from the door. You got ready for bed, and didn’t let yourself cry again. You had felt this before, and you had overcome this before. Yet, as you laid down, closing your eyes, you had a nagging feeling that one realization wasn’t going to go away.
You didn’t want to be alone forever, not anymore.
~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅
Claps rang out around the room, a few people drying tears on the corner of their napkins. Yelena’s maid of honor speech was funny and lighthearted, and yet still made hearts swell as she recounted childhood dramas and memories (or lack of) of late nights in college. She was even biting her lip at the end, trying to hold in a smile as she explained how Natasha never thought she’d find her person, until she met Steve. The cliche lines earned raised glasses, and knocked back champagne.
It was a gorgeous rehearsal dinner, with a small party. Both families had pitched in on the decorations. The colors were muted, but no less beautiful, with red roses centering each table. Candles lit up the entire room, washing everyone in a romantic, golden light. All of the guests were asked to wear colors while Natasha and Steve sat in white. It was everything Natasha had said was dumb before, and you enjoyed seeing her lean into it.
You enjoyed all of it, so much that it made that ache in your chest feel the size of a canyon. It was the same ache that had been building for a year, and you hated yourself for it. It was their day, and you wanted it to be perfect. But as you watched Steve pull her in, kiss her cheek, and the tension fall from her shoulders… all you could think was that you wanted that. That softness, that intimacy. Falling into someone and not wondering if they’d catch you.
But you’d been doing this for so long on your own, you weren’t even sure how to appeal to someone anymore. You weren’t necessarily flirty, or even playful unless you really knew the person. You also rarely found yourself attracted to strangers, so how would you even pick someone? There were too many variables, you wondered how anyone figured it out.
Bucky rose from the chair next to you a few moments later, after Yelena sat down. You watched him, in his blue suit, go to pick up the mic and smile to the room. He opened with something that made the room laugh, but you found yourself in a daze. There was nothing surprising about him, nor how he was dressed. You had seen him walk out of his room, had driven with him on the way here, had plenty of time to adapt to the way he seemed to take up the entire room, and yet… suddenly it felt as if he was the only one in the room.
You watched his eyes scan the room, “…Folks, I’m just the best man. I can’t speak for Steve or his feelings but, I believe love isn’t about lust or attraction… and yes, it is about friendship. About finding that woman who you want to share everything with, who you can’t get off your mind. But more importantly,” then his eyes landed on yours and he paused. Like it was just him and you and that wide smile, with eyes that matched his suit jacket. Then he found himself, cleared his throat, “it’s about finding the person you want to take care of for the rest of your life. The person that makes effort feel like a privilege…”
His eyes snapped away as he kept speaking, but you felt like you were about to throw up. This was the only variable. Every missing data point combined into one. Everything you wanted, right here.
And he would be leaving soon. Soon, you would be coming home to an empty apartment that still felt like him. You would have to move on and rebuild each wall, knowing all it took from him was a single look to knock them down.
Glasses raised, people cheered, the couple kissed. Bucky found his seat next to yours right as you swallowed a lump in your throat.
“How’d I do?” He leaned into your space, his arm coming around the back of your chair.
You managed a small smile, grateful for the steady and supportive tone of your voice, “Perfect, very romantic.”
Dinner was served, and everyone gathered. It was lovely, every single moment of it. The drunken laughter and kind remarks. Natasha and Steve fawning over each other. Sam teasing everyone in sight. Even Tony stood for a speech towards the end.
You chastised yourself every time the thought popped into your head: I want this. It wasn’t your day. It wasn’t yours to want. Even when your mind felt like it was racing a million miles a minute and you just wished that you had a soft place to land. A place to rest it all. Instead, you had driven away the one person who had been such a driving force in your life the past year. Now he was leaving too.
You tried to distract yourself by moving to the other side of the table with the excuse of visiting with Natasha to discuss bridesmaids plans for the next morning. It helped, for a moment. She was so lively about how she wanted everything done, and you were good with lists. Little boxes to check off, that was your area. The wine was a good call too, because two glasses in you were giggling and successfully avoiding glances from down the table.
It would only last so long though, you supposed, because once dinner was over you were out of options. You hugged every last person, even the family members you didn’t know, taking extra long on your goodbyes. But, finally, you met him back at the door with a tense smile.
Bucky stood with his hands in his pockets, angling his neck to get a better look at you, “You alright?”
You nodded, bouncing on your heels, “Yeah, ready to go?” The valet would be bringing the car back soon.
He only tensed his brows and raised the back of his hand to your cheek, “You sure, you’re flushed?”
“Oh,” you didn’t mean to flinch away, it was only a reflex, “I probably had too much wine.” Which you were regretting, just now remembering that wine did not get you tipsy in the same way vodka or tequila did. You were tired now, and every thought you had from earlier was rushing back. You turned for the doors, not wanting to continue the conversation and knowing he would follow. The valet had, indeed, brought the car around, and you hopped in the passenger side after thanking them.
Bucky took the driver's seat, adjusting his arm behind your head to reverse out of the narrow lot. He was mostly quiet, save for when he made sure you were buckled. You held your breath against the swelling emotions, trying to bat away the voices in your head. You felt at war, like the two different sides of yourself wanted very different things. One screamed it’s better this way, while the other responded it doesn’t have to be. Both had valid arguments.
In the five years you had been single, you had made the most progress in your career and financial independence. You knew yourself better, had built a better routine, and had become comfortable without the opinions of others. However, there had also been nights where all you wanted was a pair of arms wrapped around you. There were times you ate dinner, and wished you had someone across from you to talk about your day with. Someone to dance in the kitchen with… or even the more intimate aspects. Someone who took their time with you, learning every inch of your skin without a selfish expectation. Someone who just wanted to be with you.
That lump in your throat became too much, and you coughed into your elbow, trying to release some of the tension in your chest. You began to feel pins and needles breaking out over your skin, your hands feeling restless and unsure of what to do with themselves.
You felt his eyes glance over at you before focusing back on the road. You were on a backroad now, the dinner having been out of the city. After several moments of quiet traveling, he finally spoke, “I’m not sure if I told you, you look stunning tonight.” It was a soft compliment, his hand slowly reaching over to squeeze your knee, because of course he knew something was wrong. “This dress is lovely.”
It was too much, all of it. You couldn’t even remember the last time a man complimented something specific on you. When it was dangled in front of you like this, you found you enjoyed it too much. You felt greedy with the need for more, like you wanted this to be your normal.
But he was leaving.
The sob tore from your throat before you could stop it, all of it suddenly becoming too much. You brought a hand to cover your mouth, turning away, but it was already too late. Bucky only squeezed your knee one last time before bringing his hand back to the wheel with a pained sigh. You noticed the car slowing, finding him pulling over to the shoulder. You grunted in disapproval, something like an apology. For causing a scene? For being selfish? For having agreed to this in the first place? All of the above?
Once the car stopped, you heard him unbuckle and turn to you. Then, a hand gently pried the one from your mouth, “Sweetheart? Talk to me.”
You only hung your head, your teeth clenching around more sobs. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying to block everything out.
He was persistent. He moved your hair behind your ear, trying to get a look at you, “What’s going on,” with a plea of your name he said, “please?”
You shook your head, “I-I’m sorry, I don’t know–”
“Don’t apologize,” then he was taking your cheeks in his hands, giving you no choice but to turn to him. He made a pained noise when he saw your tears, his thumbs brushing under your eyes, “Tell me what it is, pretty girl. Tell me, and I’ll fix it.”
That felt like salt on a wound, your breath releasing from your chest broken and cracked. You tried to turn away, but he wouldn’t let you. One hand slid to cup your nape while the other unbuckled you, tugging your knees till you faced him more. It only made you cry harder.
“You gotta talk to me, I can’t do anything if you don’t tell me.”
You finally broke with a, “You don’t need to do anything!”
He wasn’t having it, “Bullshit. You’ve been out of it all night, and now you’re bawling your eyes out. Best believe I’m going to figure out what caused those tears and–”
“I’m tired!” you emphasized the words, trying to give them more meaning than they had on their own.
His brows furrowed, “Of what?”
“Everything! All of it.” You motioned your hands as if that was a good explanation, “I’m so fucking selfish! It’s someone else’s night and all I could think about–all I’ve been thinking about–is how goddamn tired I am of doing everything myself.”
“You don’t have to,” a hand runs through your hair, smoothing it, almost lulling you.
“But I can! I was! For a long time! And-and then suddenly…” you trailed off, shrugging your shoulders and finally forcing yourself to look away from him.
He squeezed your knee again, “Suddenly?”
You shook your head again, but not necessarily to his question. More so, to the tone of his voice, the earnestness of it. He cared so much, and it was as heartbreaking as it was exhilarating to be the center of his attention.
It must have been the exhilarated side that quietly answered: “You.”
“Me?”
“You!” You repeated with more confidence, “You showed me something different and now you’re leaving and… I don’t know…” You searched for the words, “do you ever get tired of being alone?”
Your question seemed to send the car into such thick silence that you couldn’t stand to stare out the front dash anymore. Slowly, you turned to look at him. For the first time, he wasn’t looking at you. His eyes were downcast, his mouth hung as if he had no clue what to say.
Shame spread across your cheeks. You’d really done it this time. In a matter of months, weeks for all you knew, he’d be gone. He wanted to leave, and here you were saying silly things. Embarrassing yourself. This was why you hadn’t dated.
But that was a lie. You hadn’t dated because you hadn’t felt this in a very long time. If ever.
When Bucky finally did move, it was to shift the car back into gear. His other hand moved back to the steering wheel at the same time that you said, “I’m sorry.”
It was his turn to shake his head, “Just…” his voice was rough, pained, “Just let me take you home. I think… I think you need to see something.” He pulled back onto the highway, careful of the speed limit despite the way his fingers drummed restlessly on the steering wheel.
The ride was quiet, save for your sniffles as you tried to quit crying. You had no idea what he meant, no clue what he might want to show you at home that you didn’t already know about. Or maybe it was something else… a lease he’d already signed? His bags packed neatly in his room? Maybe he just wanted out of this car before telling you how tiresome this past year has been for him. Either way, you were determined to pull it together by the time you entered the parking garage.
And you had, for the most part. To his credit, he didn’t seem the least bit angry getting out of the car. You both walked calmly up the stairs to the apartment, and you waited for him to unlock the door. When you walked inside, however, he did not lead you to his room to show you any documents or boxes. He did not turn and give you a piece of his mind.
He walked to the bookshelf.
Your face twisted in confusion as his hands went directly to the spine of the book he was after, not even taking a second to search. Like he knew the exact spot it lived in like the back of his hand. And when he turned, you saw the cover was the same book he had pulled months ago when you had stood against those shelves together. The Notebook. The same book he had annotated for you without a word, that you had put back before even beginning to flip through the pages.
Now, however, he was thumbing through them himself. When he stopped, three fourths through the book, he opened it fully and turned it to you. His eyes met yours again, the first time since you had spoken in the car, as he handed you the book. You took it without question, looking at him for a few moments before finally turning your eyes to the page. And right there, where highlight draws over lines of Noah confessing to Allie what is loving her has meant to him, is the only annotation written in your favorite pink ink:
When I read these love stories, about a man who cares for a woman until his dying breath, I only ever think of one person. Love at first sight might not exist, but I have cared for you from the very first moment. Then again at every party, every class, every dinner, and every night in this little apartment.
Oh.
You blinked several times, reread the words to the point that he probably thought you were illiterate, but you only wanted to make sure they were real. Then you looked up at him, with his bitten lip and puppy-dog eyes. You mouthed wordlessly for several seconds before landing on a single question, “James–”
“I was betting on you getting curious when the book was missing,” he shrugged, “I guess I was wrong.”
You shook your head, “You weren’t, I-I did look. I just didn’t get too far because…”
“You got scared.” He understood.
You finally met his eyes, “You don’t think I’m too much?”
The exhale he let out was soft and full of pity, yet he still stepped forward. “I think,” he said, “that you have been left alone for far too long,” he gently took the book, setting it on the arm of the couch next to you, “and I am sorry that anyone ever made you think you had to do this alone.”
You couldn’t breathe, “I—“
“I love you.” His hands cradled your face once again, tilting your head up so he could look at you properly. He was so close, close enough to do whatever he pleased, and yet he still waited.
Only until you said: “I love you too.”
Then he was kissing you without reprieve. There was no hesitancy in the way he took your purse from your shoulder, dropped it to the floor, and backed you against the door. You took no time in responding, your mouth matching his kiss or kiss. Your hands lifted to his shoulders, sliding down to fist his shirt in your fingers. It was a consuming sort of kiss, and not just for the fact that you hadn’t kissed someone in years. It was him, and it was overwhelming in the way that it felt right.
You forced yourself to pull back before you could melt into him, giggling when his lifts tried to follow yours. “I just…” you leaned against the door, looking up at him, “I thought you wanted to leave?”
His breath was already ragged, and you could practically hear his heart pounding. It didn’t stop him from shaking his head, “No, sweetheart.” The words were breathed against your forehead before his lips dropped to your skin, planting kisses on your forehead before reaching your cheeks, “I never wanted to leave, but being near you and…” his exhale was hungered, full of longing, “and not having you, it’s like torture.”
“I know the feeling…” you replied, voice no more than a whisper.
The groan he let out was like nothing you had heard from any man before, and then his lips were on yours again. There was nothing held back about it. He fisted your hair and tugged your head back, his tongue sliding along yours when you gasped. You didn’t need him to hold you there, you were more than happy to arch into him, and he knew it. His hands slid down next, over the fabric of your butter yellow dress, brushing your thighs right where the hem ends. He mumbled something against your mouth, but you were too focused on the taste and feel of him. His muscles were both hard and soft all in one, and it was the safest place you had ever been. And as you ran your hands down the definition of his abdomen, you found yourself dizzy with more than just love.
He pulled away when it was obvious you hadn’t heard him, and only then did you notice his fingers brushing up under your dress. Your breath hitched, fingers flexing against him. He nudged your nose with his, whispering again, “Will you let me?”
You knew what he was asking without any clarification, because your body was miles ahead. Still, you hesitated. Could you do this? Did you still even know how? What if you messed up? Or couldn’t please him? Or–
Bucky whispered your name, thumb brushing your cheek, “You’re overthinking.”
“It’s just been a long time for me.” You bit your lip, watching his eyes track the movement.
He nodded like he knew, because of course he knew. “I just want you to relax, okay? Let me take care of you.”
You weren't prepared for how easy it would be to listen to the gentle command, to uncurl your fingers from his shirt and let go of the urgency because he had you. One of his arms wrapped around your waist, the other gripping the back of your thigh as he pulled you up to wrap your legs around him. And then he really was against you, and you gasped once again against his mouth. He smiled as he turned to walk down the hall, undoubtedly knowing that you can feel all of him pressed to you. And judging by your perception of size, "all" was a considerable amount.
He entered his room, kicking the door shut behind him, and brought you to his bed. He kissed you once more before laying you down on the white comforter and leaning back to get a better look at you. Your hair fanned across the bed, your dress riding up your thighs. He smirked down at you, his hands coming up to your thighs.
"Gorgeous," he mumbled, more to himself, and ran his hands down to wrap around your ankles. You squealed as he gave a sudden tug, pulling you to the edge of the bed where your thighs fell on either side of him. Your dress was ridden up to your hips by that point, putting the cotton of your ordinary panties on display.
Not that it seemed to make any difference to him, he was still intent on looking his fill. So much so, you felt yourself start to squirm at the attention, letting out a whine.
He only tutted, shrugging off his suit jacket before his hands went to the buttons of his shirt, "Patience, sweetheart." Then he was shirtless, and you couldn't have formed a remark if you wanted to. He was all definition under soft, tanned skin. When he finally brought himself down, his body covering yours, you did not hesitate to run your hands along his chest and shoulders.
You could have stayed there like that for a long while, just feeling him pressed against you. But Bucky was the one losing patience all of the sudden, with his lips against yours and his hands at the hem of your dress. You moaned when he bit down on your bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth, and he used the moment to drag your dress up your sides and over your head. It had been wired, leaving you without the choice of a bra, not that you regretted it when you heard the groan he let out at the sight of you under him.
Then his mouth was on you, leaving nips along your collarbone before dropping down to your breasts. You cursed in response to the sensation, gasping his name as your fingers flew to his hair.
"Fuck," his lips let go of your nipple just to mumble against your skin, "dreamt of this, having you under me," he sucked a hickey onto your skin, "thought I was an awful man for wanting you at my mercy, but look at you," his hips rolled into yours, you arched and pulled at his hair, "you're loving this."
"Please," you breathed as his mouth closed around the other nipple, sucking it into his mouth.
"Please what, baby?" He trailed kisses down your stomach next, before he dropped off the bed. Next thing you knew, he was kneeling in front of you.
You could only squirm, feeling pinned under him, "I-I don't know..."
He hummed, still so pleased with you, "I know, I know what you need. You just lay there and take it, doll."
The very idea made your insides burn, pleasure licking up your spine as his lips ghosted along the seem of your panties. He kissed over them, completely shameless to the eroticism of his actions. You, on the other hand, were speechless. Your thighs were already close to shaking and he had barely touched you. He knew the effect he had too, if his smirk was any clue. He watched for your reaction as he brought his hands to the sides, slowly bringing them down your legs.
You closed your knees on instinct, but he wasn't having it. He pulled them apart with a warning look at you and placed one thigh over his shoulder, his other hand pinning your knee to the bed. You couldn't take your eyes off his expression though, seeing the hunger in his eyes when they finally fell on you. He exhaled, his voice rough, "look at you," then his thumb was pushing through your folds, dragging down the seem of your cunt. "Already so wet for me. I think I deserve a taste, don't you?"
You gasped, not even thinking when you started nodding, your hips already grinding against his thumb.
He hummed, nipping at the inside of your thigh, "So good f'me." Then he was on you, his tongue dragging from your entrance up to your clit before his mouth sucked hard. It was your turn to cry out a curse, your hips coming off the bed. But he adjusted, an arm wrapping under your thigh and coming back up to hold your hips down. "So sweet," his voice vibrated against you, "can't believe you kept this from me."
"Didn't want to," you whined, words barely coherent, "didn't wanna--"
"Mm," he pulled back, thumb replacing his mouth and working your clit while he watched your reaction. "We're gonna make up for all that lost time, yeah baby?"
You nodded incessantly, muttering pleas as his pointer finger found your entrance.
"Gotta get my pretty girl ready," he mumbled, more so to himself, as he pushed the finger in and found immediate resistance. He wasn't discouraged, though. His mouth found your clit again, laving and sucking until your thighs began to shake. Slowly, you began to relax to the point that he was able to move the finger in and out, curving it into the spot that made you let out a needy whine.
"There she is," he smiled against you, and you thought you might have found heaven. When he used a second finger with his tongue, his arm pulling your hips flush against his mouth, you found yourself repeating words over and over. "Please"s and "I love you"s tumbling out. He talked you through all of it. The second your eyes rolled to the back of your head and your mouth opened with a scream, he was encouraging you with "good girl"s and "give it to me"s and "please, baby"s.
He didn't stop until you were tugging on his hair and trying to pull him back up. When he sat up, he was breathing heavily and his pupils were blown wide. And when he brought himself back onto the bed, you could so clearly see the evidence of his arousal. You bit your lip, hard, and looked up at him with an expression you were sure gave away exactly what you wanted. If it didn't, it didn't really matter, because then you were tugging him down over you.
His mouth met yours again, and you tasted yourself on him. It was consuming, but you didn't let it distract you from moving your hands to the zipper of his slacks. You weren't about to waste any time, and with the way he was grinding against you, he wasn't either. He kicked his pants and boxers down the minute you pushed them past his hips, both of you groaning at the feeling of skin on skin.
He kissed you hard once more, taking a moment to admire you, before leaning up on his forearm. Using his other hand, he brought your leg over his hip. His forehead dropping down to yours, he whispered, "You gonna let me take care of you?"
You could only nod, feeling him adjust and run the head of his cock up through your wetness and against your clit. You could barely see straight.
He smiled, pleased, "Breathe for me, okay? Relax." He waited to watch you obey, pulling in a deep breath and melting against him all over again. Then he pushed against you, the tip of him sinking slowly inside. He took the moment to pinch the nipple of one of your breasts, making you cry out and push against him. It made the pleasure of him thrusting into you sharper, better than you ever remember this being.
He cursed once again, moaning your name against your ear as he pulled out only to sink back in. "So tight. Perfect. And just for me, aren't you?"
You nodded, eyes rolling back as he set a rhythm.
But he grasped your chin, made you look at him, "Say it, tell me you're all mine."
It took you a minute to find your words, too focused on the feeling of him dragging inside you. There was no way it had always been like this, there had to be something different about James Barnes. Him and the way his cock pushed inside you, making stars dance in your vision.
"'m yours, Bucky, all yours. Please--"
"That's right," he pushed harder, his thumb dropping back down to press against your clit, "My perfect girl and her tight cunt, all for me." He dropped his mouth to your breast, sucking and biting down gently, "All for me to take care of."
The words mixed with all of the sensations happening in your body were too much. You felt your legs tighten around him, your hips lifting to meet his, mumbling his name and whining into his neck when you began to press kisses into it.
"Mhm, that feel good, doll?" the room was full of the noises of slapping skin and heavy breathing, "You gonna cum for me?"
You cried out, hands grasping at his back and nails dragging across his skin, "Uh huh, please!"
"Don't gotta beg me, I'll give you anything you want. As long as you keep letting me take care of you." He groaned, his thrusts turning sporadic, "Fuck, and letting me spread those legs and ruin this pussy. Please, baby..."
You felt your body tighten around the pleasure, the buildup from your first orgasm to your second feeling ten times more intense. And being pinned down underneath him while he whispered dirty words and promises of love only added to the pleasure as it hit you. You screamed his name so loud he was forced to put a hand over your mouth so the whole apartment wouldn't hear. He didn't last much longer either, his mumbles turning to whimpers of your name as he thrust through his orgasm.
You were both left with ragged breaths and sweaty skin after, letting out quiet laughs as your kisses turned lazy and sweet rather than rough. He ran his hands up and down your sides as you combed yours through his messy hair.
"Are you okay?" You found yourself asking.
He chuckled, "That's my line." Then he slowly began to pull out, watching your reaction as you winced at the soreness. He brought a hand to your hip, rubbing soothing circles into the skin.
You bit your lip, feeling a hint of that worry seep back in as he gave you a once over, "But... are you?"
He met your eyes again, reading you like a book. You watched as it dawned on him what you meant, and he leaned down to press a kiss to your forehead, swiping your hair from your cheeks. "I'm not sure I could be better," he pulled back, "I love you. I mean it, I'm not going anywhere."
You sighed, any last bits of tension seeping from your muscles, "I love you too."
He smiled, standing and scooping you up into his arms once more. You squealed again, securing your arms around his neck and bringing your lips to his for one last peck. He then buried his nose into your neck, breathing in your scent as he walked towards the bathroom.
"What are we doing?" You rested your head on his shoulder as you let him take you wherever he pleased.
"Taking care of you," he said simply, "You barely ate at dinner. So, I'm gonna get you cleaned up, then we'll eat something."
You hummed, and for once didn't worry about the where, or why, or how of it all. You let him take the lead, knowing he had you. You were safe. You were loved.
~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅★⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ~ ⋆⋅
note: this might have felt a little daydreamy... and that's because it really was just me daydreaming about actually finding a competent man. As a hyper-independent, anxious girly, I won't be putting bets on it. But I sure can dream about Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. :)
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PAIRING: Steve Rogers x Reader
WORD COUNT: 2.6k
WARNINGS: domestic fluff, established relationship, steve is tired okay?, SMUT (free use implication, so much oral (f receiving), steve is a munch, fingering, tonguefucking, spit kink, spit as lube, couch sex, p in v, mating press, creampie, cockwarming if you squint, cock pronouns (like ONCE), multiple orgasms) porn with very little plot.
SUMMARY: Steve gets home and there's no better way to get his head out of thinking about work than to put it right between your thighs.
+fran: I'm in such a Steve kick lately, this ovulation he has me by the clit and he's not letting go. I love how fluffy this is and I too need this man to eat me out until there's nothing in either of our heads. This is straight up blond man propaganda. Here's a little nugget of a fic while I write bigger ones.
Steve Rogers, way back when, wouldn't be called uptight.
He wasn't much of a rule follower to begin with, seeing things morally grey instead of black and white. He's always been someone that just wants to do the right thing, whatever the cost of that may be.
Steve Rogers in present day, however, would be uptight by 2020s Manhattan standards.
His entire presence commanded obedience. Authority.
Steve's star-spangled broad shoulders, squared when he stood with his hands on his belt ever the proper man, drew every eye in the room to him like a magnet.
His voice never wavered when barking orders left and right, always a man with a plan. If strategy A failed, he was already halfway through strategy B, and had already thought of a third alternative.
The entire weight of the world had always been on his shoulders, for the better part of 108 years.
Steve is, however, much like a working dog. He's restless. He needs a job to do, and do well, even when his actual job stresses him the fuck out.
So when he's walking up the stairs of your condo in the Village, his throat tired from yelling over gunfire, his feet exhausted from running miles in combat boots, and his shoulders tense from holding back frustration during the debrief, the sound of your voice while you talk on the phone is a soothing balm for his soul.
He unlocked the door and walked in, the dimly lit apartment making him feel like he could finally let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
You were curled up on one end of the couch, throw blanket lazily over your legs as a candle burned on the kitchen isle and some trashy reality TV on, while you talked with your best friend on the phone about the events unveiling in front of your eyes.
Your weekly debrief, you called it. Steve thought it was cute.
"Okay, but here's the thing," you were saying into your phone, eyes glued to the television. "I don't actually think she's mad about the text messages."
Steve really didn't understand half the appeal of those shows. Every week he'd come over and find some new catastrophe unfolding. Someone was cheating on somebody, someone was throwing a drink, someone was crying in a confessional interview, someone was apparently there "for the wrong reasons."
And somehow you knew every single person's name, history, motivations, and interpersonal grievances.
Steve let the door latch with a soft "click" and he dropped his duffel by the counter and shrugged his shoes off.
You turned your head at the sound immediately, your face softening the instant your eyes locked with his.
There was something about being looked at like that after a day spent getting shot at, yelled at, and blamed for things outside of his control.
Something about knowing there was one place in Manhattan where nobody expected Captain America.
He was just expected to be Steve, or Babe, or Honey, or Stevie, or—
"Hold on," you told your friend, reaching out to him with one hand, which he knew was code for "come here and kiss me".
He smiled with the side of his mouth and complied, walking over until he was behind you, making you tilt your head back to kiss him, a little murmured "I missed you." against his lips before you went back to your conversation.
He finished walking around the couch, laying down on top of you as you made space of his waist and torso between your legs, his arms instinctively wrapping around your waist as he nuzzled his face into your sternum.
Steve Rogers melted.
That was the only word possible for the exhale he let out as soon as your fingers tangled in his hair, nails gently scraping at his scalp as he let his entire weight just rest on you.
"You okay, baby?" Your voice was low, not even a hair above a whisper, and he just hummed in agreement against the soft fabric of your tank top.
"Do you need to go? Baaabyyyy." You rolled your eyes at the phone.
"Don't start."
"Oh, I'm absolutely starting. Did Captain America just come home and immediately turn into a golden retriever?"
Steve huffed a quiet laugh against your shirt. Your hand immediately moved to the back of his neck, nails grazing softly until you pushed your hand past the collar of his cotton shirt, scratching lightly at his back.
If he was a cat, he'd be purring right at that moment.
"No, because listen," you told your friend, eyes narrowing at the screen. "The issue isn't that she lied." Steve watched you. "The issue is that she lied badly." Completely, utterly, disgustingly in love. "Those are different crimes."
Blue bird sky eyes that look up at you like you invented spring. Like your voice alone makes flowers bloom and birds sing.
His chin rests comfortably on your stomach, one arm draped across your waist while your fingers absentmindedly travel back up to continue scratching at his scalp.
The way you laugh when someone says something stupid on the show makes him understand poetry. Because regular sentences in language aren't enough to explain what it feels like when somebody becomes your favorite thing in the entire world.
Steve had always been… tactile when he was tired. Like a working dog, he'd find something to occupy his mind until he was so tired, the inside of his skull was nothing but tv static.
Not clingy, exactly just drawn toward you in the same way a sunflower turns toward sunlight.
His fingers slipped beneath the edge of your thank top, resting against the warm skin of your side, fabric riding up and exposing your stomach to him as he pressed absentminded kisses against the skin there.
Your eyes flickered to him, another kiss on the lower left side of your stomach, big calloused hands pushing your shirt a smidge up again.
When he grazed the skin with his teeth and soothed it with his tongue, you realized what he was getting at. Some flavor of "I gotta go, love you, bye" and the call was disconnected.
"Steve." No answer. His hands slowly came back down the length of your waist, "Steve." He was in his own little world, fingers hooking them hem of your sleep shorts and pulling them down.
You let him, because what woman in her right mind would prevent Steve from seeking comfort, specially if that comfort was eating your pussy until you saw double?
He threw the shorts somewhere in the room, nothing but a grunt here or a groan there coming out of his mouth in the meantime.
You put your right foot on his chest softly, as to catch his attention, sparkling eyes looking up at you with a little "hmm?" to match.
"Are you okay?"
He sighed happily. He knew you knew you didn't have to worry about him, he's a super solder, a hero, a goddamn Avenger, what could a mere civilian like you do?
But he still loved your worry. Loved… your love.
Steve chuckled softly and kissed the inside of your ankle, something along the lines of "always okay when I'm with you" being printed against the skin of your leg as his kisses went higher and higher and higher.
He stopped quickly when he got to your core, place a wet kiss over your panties and pulling them down your legs in one swift motion. The plane of his chest resting against the couch as he settled your legs over his shoulders.
His arms wrapped around you legs, hands resting on top of your thighs to keep you open for him. He nuzzled his face against you first, eyes closed as he licked a flat, wide strip up your cunt.
The soft gasp coming from your lips only spurred him on, your left hand reaching down to tangle in his blond locks again while your right hand rested on his forearm.
Steve looked like he was in a trance. Hypnotized by the taste of you. He hummed against you, satisfied you were giving him what he wanted. Letting him take what he wanted.
His tongue was soft, warm, wet as it lapped against your folds. He'd tense the muscle closer to your clit and circle it with his tongue before sucking it between his plush lips, only to slow down and do it again.
The day had scraped him raw in a hundred tiny ways, and now he was tucked into the safest place he knew.
You.
"Mmmm, that feels good…" You settled further into the couch, letting your legs fall open around his head as he lazily made out with your pussy. His right hand reached up to shove your shirt further up, massaging your breasts once they were exposed, rolling and tugging on the nipple.
His tongue zig-zagged between your folds, bottom to top, and he sucked your clit briefly, setting it free with a soft "pop" once he felt your thigh twitch.
"Needed this," he kissed your inner thigh. "needed you." Steve leaned further down, tensing his tongue to tease your entrance, and then burying his face in your heat.
"Oh! Oh, G— Steve, f—mmm…" you were already babbling. The feel of his hot tongue inside of you made your hips jerk, his nose nudging your clit in the process.
The wet noises were loud enough he could hear them even though your thighs were squeezing around his head. And God, this is what he needed, plush skin and muscle tensing under him, suffocating him in all that was you.
"Gonna co—hah!—come all over your pretty face." Steve moaned, he moaned into you, hips grinding onto the couch cushions as yours did so against his face, pushing himself to be impossibly close to you.
He sucked your clit into his mouth again, his tongue flicking it while it was trapped between his lips.
Your moans grew louder, sharper, until you soaked Steve's lips and chin in wet pleasure. He let you ride the wave of your first orgasm, aftershocks flowing through your body like electricity through water.
He dragged his right hand down from your breast to rest above your pussy, keeping you where he wanted you, and used his thumb and index finger to spread you further.
"Baby, please…" It was a mix of oversensitive and hungry pleas, which Steve took as a green light to keep going. He flattened his tongue again, licking long paths bottom to top, dipping his tongue in your entrance, and then keeping the path up.
You supported yourself up mostly by your right elbow and your grip on Steve's hair, staring at the scene in front of you with your mouth hanging open, panting.
His left hand travelled down and he covered his index and middle fingers in your slick, pulling away ever so slightly to pool spit in his mouth and let the hot saliva flow softly from his mouth onto your clit.
His fingers drove into you slowly with a wet squelch echoing into the room, curling them towards him when he got your folds to touch his palm. "Was only gone a day, sweetheart." He pumped his fingers. "How come you're so tight still, mmm?"
He chuckled when you had no response but a needy whine, the scene was a sight, really. Captain America absolutely lost in the pleasure of seeing his girlfriend completely pliant, missing any bottoms, with her tank top bunched up above her breasts, while he had a soaked face and a raging hard on.
Humming as he licked and teased your clit once again, this time pumping his fingers in and out, and again, again, again, until he slurped every single drop of your second orgasm, feeling you squeeze your cunt around his fingers while your thighs squeezed every thought that didn't revolve around you right out of his skull.
You pulled him up forcefully by the collar, crashing your lips together, moaning as you tasted yourself on him. Your tongue licked into his mouth like you alone could make him forget everything that happened during the mission, even without knowing details.
Your hands grazed down his chest over his shirt, quickly finding the hem of his sweats, palming him through them. "Did you touch yourself while I was gone?" His voice was breathy against your lips, almost strained.
You shook your head, biting your lip. "Not as good when it's not you."
Steve whined, like audibly whined at your praise as you pushed his pants down enough to free his cock. "Good girl."
It slapped against your stomach heavy, hard, and leaking, and Steve immediately reached down to rub the head up and down your slick.
"Put it in, baby, please." You sucked on his bottom lip. "Missed you so much."
Steve chuckled as he lined himself up with your entrance. "Me or him?" He didn't wait for an answer, in days like these he never did. He just pushed his entire cock in to the hilt, knocking the air out of your lungs. "Me. Or. Him?" He asked again.
Your eyes squeezed shut, "You, baby, fuck—" you panted against his mouth, tiny puffs of air matching his every thrust. "Missed your voice, your scent, your laugh—" another harsher thrust knocked the thought out of your head. "Missed your cock too, ah!"
You felt every drag of him inside of you, the vein on the side that split into two, the bulbous head of him that notched so perfectly around the spongy spot inside of you, you'd think they made him in a lab.
Well, they did. But you're pretty sure the SSR had no involvement in how perfect Steve Rogers' dick was.
That was all him.
He reached down to snake his arms under your knees, bringing your legs further up and out, until his pelvis was flush with your entire bottom.
"That's a good girl." He sighed, pulling all the way out only to slam all the way back in again. "Always so good."
The more Steve fucked you, the less oxygen you felt you had in your lungs. Every muscle in your core was tightening by the second, everything becoming too loud, too hot, too heavy, too good.
"Gonna fill you up, sweetheart. You want that?" His lips dropped to your neck, sucking and licking on the skin there. You nodded. "But I need you to come on my cock, Princess. Can you do that for me?"
You nodded even more enthusiastically.
Steve licked his thumb and down to your clit it went, making your eyes cross and roll and the wave of pleasure crashed onto you again. He felt you clamp down on him, shudders licking up his spine as rope after rope of cum leaked out of him.
Steve thrusted both of you through the aftershocks, until he finally let his entire weight rest onto you as your nails once again grazed his back and neck.
He lifted his head from where he was resting his forehead against your collarbone and gave you a peck on the lips, then another, then another, until it turned into a slow, deep kiss.
He motioned to pull out and start to clean up, but you squeezed your legs around his waist. "Just stay with me a little longer here, Stevie." He looked at you like he always did when you asked that, when he knew you asked for it more for him than for you, but still gave in, staying with you until your breaths evened out while the TV played in the background.
bro honestly idk what took over my body in this ovulation... I already humped my husband every single day this week. THE SHACKLES.
Summary: You’re the Vice President’s daughter, public property in pearls, judged by headlines you never wrote. Steve Rogers has been your lead bodyguard for years: disciplined, distant, and devastatingly attentive in all the quiet ways that matter.
Wordcount: 19.4k
Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female Reader (no use of Y/N)
Warnings: slow burn, mutual pining, friends to lovers (ish), idiots in love, protective Steve, soft Steve, "touch her and die" energy, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending, emotional confession, trust issues, fear of commitment, power imbalance (boydguard/client), forbidden-ish romance, tension & softness, hospital scene, domestic fluff, kisses, car accident (minor), conflict with a parent, emotional distress, themes of surveillance and lack of privacy, mild injury
Elixir's Arcade Event: Two Pairs with afraid to commit + bodyguard AU + "You were the only person I thought I could trust." + one of them pretends to not like the other because they are afraid of getting hurt
A/N: I couldn't not write something a little angsty for this challenge, and when I saw the combinations of prompts and tropes, my mind immediately went to Steve. Let it be known that it's probably the first time Cassie @blobfishlol told me that for once, the male character wasn't an idiot (we kinda disagree on that one, but meh)
Masterlist
The first thing you learn, growing up in the shadow of the Vice President, is that people don’t look at you the way they look at other women.
They look through you.
They see headlines. Angles. Narratives. They see a daughter as an extension of a man’s policies – an accessory that can be polished for a fundraiser or weaponized in a scandal. They see you and they decide, instantly, which version of you will make their life easier: the spoiled princess, the reckless party girl, the entitled adult child who can’t survive without a credit card and a chauffeur.
You stopped correcting them a long time ago.
It was exhausting, trying to prove your humanity to people who benefited from pretending you didn’t have any.
So you learned how to move like you belonged to the story they’d written. How to smile on cue. How to keep your face neutral when they asked invasive questions framed as jokes. How to make your anger small and your sadness invisible.
And then, years ago, Steve Rogers stepped into your orbit like a quiet inevitability.
At first, he was just another agent.
Another man in a suit with an earpiece and a posture that said don’t try me. Another shadow at the edge of every room, eyes always scanning, hands always ready but never restless. Another name you weren’t supposed to know, another person you weren’t supposed to become attached to.
But Steve wasn’t like the others.
He didn’t flirt. He didn’t overcompensate. He didn’t treat you like a delicate thing made of PR and glass.
He treated you like a person who deserved to be alive.
Which – surprisingly – was rarer than it should have been.
You remembered the first day in weird, sharp fragments.
The residence hallway smelling like lemon polish and old money. The distant click of heels. The way your father’s chief of staff had said, “Rogers will be your detail lead moving forward.” Like you were being assigned a new password.
Steve had been standing by the security office, waiting.
Tall, broad-shouldered, blond in a way that looked almost unfair under fluorescent lighting. His suit fit him like armor, not fashion. When he turned his head toward you, his expression was neutral, controlled – professional to the point of being unreadable.
But his eyes…
His eyes were the kind that didn’t waste time.
They took in the things they needed: your posture, your pace, the tension in your shoulders, the fact that you carried your phone like it could explode. The kind of assessment that wasn’t judgment. Just… attention.
You held out your hand out of habit. Polished, practiced.
Steve looked at it for half a second, then took it firmly – no lingering, no performative gentleness. A grip that said I am here because I am capable.
“Ma’am,” he said.
You hated that title. It made you sound older than you were, and smaller than you felt. Like a formality could turn you into something manageable.
“You can call me–” you started, but the chief of staff cut you off.
“Agent Rogers has a protocol.”
Steve’s jaw tightened almost imperceptibly.
He didn’t contradict his superior. But later, when you’d turned the corner and the hallway had swallowed the staffers and their clipped voices, Steve had walked half a step behind you and said quietly, like he was offering you a piece of truth without permission…
“I know your name.”
You’d glanced back, surprised.
He hadn’t looked at you when he said it. His gaze had stayed on the far end of the corridor, the reflective surfaces, the angles where danger hid.
“Then use it,” you’d said, softer.
He’d hesitated – barely. A beat long enough to feel like a choice.
And then: “Yes.”
Not yes to calling you by your name. Yes to respecting that you’d asked.
He still didn’t use it right away.
But from that moment on, you started noticing the ways he listened.
The ways he did not pretend you were made of politics.
Years settle into patterns.
Your life had become a long series of structured days: briefings, lunches, galas, board meetings, interviews where every question was a knife wrapped in velvet. A rotating cast of advisers. The ever-present hum of risk.
And Steve became part of that hum.
He was there before you were fully awake and still there after you were too tired to be anything but honest. He walked with you, drove with you, stood behind you, opened doors and closed them again with the kind of care that made you forget doors could be dangerous.
He learned your routines faster than you realized you had them.
How you took your coffee: too strong, no sugar, a splash of cream you pretended you didn’t need. How you started fidgeting with rings when you were overstimulated. How you crossed your arms when you were angry even if you were smiling.
How you got headaches after long press days and how you tried to hide it because you didn’t want to look weak.
Steve learned, too, the difference between public you and private you.
Public you: poised, biting, unbothered.
Private you: someone who laughed too loudly at stupid jokes when you were exhausted. Someone who sat cross-legged on the floor with a laptop and a hoodie and looked, for a moment, like you could have been anyone’s daughter – not the Vice President’s.
And Steve – God, Steve – looked like he’d been built for steadiness.
He didn’t talk much. He didn’t offer opinions unless asked. He existed in the space around you like a wall that didn’t suffocate. Like a presence you could lean on without it turning into a debt.
Which is how it started.
Not with a grand moment.
With small things.
Quiet things.
Professional things that weren’t supposed to mean anything.
“Water.”
The first time it happened, you were in the backseat of the armored SUV, stuck in traffic, air conditioning humming, your phone buzzing with messages you didn’t want to read.
Steve sat opposite you, facing the rear window, eyes on the tail car. His posture was controlled, shoulders squared, the kind of stillness that came from training.
You were halfway through your third coffee of the day, because caffeine was the only thing that made the exhaustion blur into something tolerable.
You hadn’t realized you were rubbing your temple until Steve spoke.
Just one word.
“Water.”
You looked up, irritated on reflex. “Excuse me?”
Steve didn’t turn. “You’ve had three coffees. No water. Your hands are shaking.”
You stared at him for a second, caught between annoyance and something that felt dangerously like being seen.
“I’m fine.”
Steve’s reflection in the tinted glass didn’t change expression. “Hydration affects cognitive function.”
You scoffed. “Are you giving me a biology lesson now?”
There was a pause.
Then, in the same tone he might have used to identify an exit route, he added, “There’s a bottle in the side compartment.”
It was so… ridiculously normal.
So careful.
You could have shrugged it off. Could have ignored him.
Instead, you reached down, found the bottle, twisted the cap open, and drank – just to shut him up.
But halfway through, you realized your throat actually had been dry. That your head felt a fraction clearer.
When you lowered the bottle, Steve finally glanced at you.
Not long. Not intimate.
Just a brief check, like he was confirming something in his mind.
Your heart did something stupid in your chest.
You looked away first, because you always looked away first.
“That better?” he asked, quiet.
“…Yes,” you admitted.
Steve nodded once, then returned his attention to the window.
No smile.
No comment.
No “you’re welcome.”
Which somehow made it worse.
Because it meant he wasn’t doing it for praise.
He was doing it because he cared.
And you told yourself – because you had to – that it didn’t mean anything else.
He kept doing it.
Not just the water.
Little reminders threaded through your days like hidden stitches.
“Eat something,” he’d say when you tried to skip lunch before a meeting.
“I will later.”
“You said that four hours ago.”
He’d offer a protein bar from his jacket pocket like it had always been there, like it wasn’t a decision he’d made because he’d noticed you forgot to take care of yourself when you were stressed.
Sometimes he’d set it down near you without speaking.
Sometimes he’d just glance at you pointedly until you rolled your eyes and complied.
If you got a headache during a press conference, he’d shift, subtly, to block harsher light from hitting your face directly. A slight angle of his body. A fraction of shadow.
If you shivered stepping out into cold wind, there would be a coat – his coat – settling over your shoulders before you even processed you were cold. He’d do it without meeting your eyes, like he was afraid of what he might see there.
You always tried to hand it back immediately.
He always said, “Keep it. You’re shaking.”
Not I want you in my coat.
Not I like seeing you wrapped in something that smells like me.
Nothing romantic.
Nothing that could get him in trouble.
But it felt intimate anyway.
Because he noticed.
Because he remembered.
Because he anticipated needs you hadn’t even admitted out loud.
And you started trusting him in a way that felt both inevitable and terrifying.
The press, of course, noticed too.
Not the tenderness. Not the quiet care.
They noticed proximity. Angles. Bodies.
They noticed the tall, broad-shouldered agent behind you in photographs, the way he always seemed to be there when you turned your head. The way his hand sometimes hovered near your back when you walked down stairs, close enough to catch you but never touching.
They wrote pieces about it.
Speculation columns.
The VP’s Daughter and Her Mysterious Shadow.
Is He Just Security?
Rumors Swirl Around the VP’s Daughter and Secret Service Agent.
You stopped reading them.
But you couldn’t stop thinking about them.
Because the comments – God, the comments – always came in two flavors.
Either you were sleeping with him, using him, exploiting him…
Or he was sleeping with you, manipulating you, climbing.
And the truth – your truth – was so much softer and so much more dangerous.
You weren’t using him.
You were falling for him.
And you had no idea if he was falling too… or if you were just hungry for a safety you’d never been allowed to have.
The thing was, Steve did not look like a man who belonged in your world.
Not because he wasn’t polished. He was.
Not because he wasn’t educated. He clearly was.
But because there was something about him – something stubborn and honest and heavy – that did not bend easily to the performative cruelty of politics.
He didn’t laugh at the jokes your father’s donors made.
He didn’t flatter. He didn’t pretend.
He was respectful, yes.
But he wasn’t… obedient in the way so many men around you were. He didn’t orbit power like it was a sun. He treated it like a responsibility.
And you watched him, sometimes, when you were in a crowded room surrounded by people who wanted something from you.
Steve would stand a few feet away, scanning the space, jaw tight, eyes sharp.
And if you met his gaze across the room, he would look back – steady, unshaken.
A silent message passing between you without words.
I’m here.
I’ve got you.
It made you feel seen in a way that was almost painful.
Because you’d spent your whole life being watched, but never truly noticed.
And Steve Rogers noticed everything.
Including, eventually, the way you looked at him.
It wasn’t like you were subtle.
Not at first.
You tried to be.
You tried to keep your face neutral. Tried to speak to him like he was only your guard. Tried to ignore the way your body reacted when he got too close, the way your skin buzzed when his hand briefly steadied your elbow in a crowd.
But you weren’t trained for this.
You were trained for politics. For smiling through hostility. For navigating rooms full of sharks.
You were not trained for a man who treated your wellbeing like it mattered more than your image.
The first time you realized you were in trouble, it was stupid.
You were sitting in the residence library at midnight, curled up in an armchair with your laptop balanced on your knees, reading briefings you’d already read twice because your anxiety wouldn’t let you sleep.
Steve stood by the doorway. Not inside. Never quite inside private spaces unless invited.
“Can’t sleep?” he asked.
You didn’t look up. “Too much to do.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
You paused, fingers hovering over the keyboard.
Then, quietly: “No.”
Steve was silent for a moment.
Then he stepped closer – one step only. Enough to be in the room, just barely. Like he was crossing a line he’d drawn in his own mind.
He placed a glass of water on the side table beside you.
No comment.
No lecture.
Just… water.
You looked up, startled. “You just carry water around like a dad?”
Steve’s mouth twitched. Almost a smile. Gone in an instant.
“Drink,” he said.
You stared at him, heartbeat tripping. “Why do you care?”
The question came out softer than you intended.
Steve’s eyes held yours for a heartbeat too long.
Then his face closed.
Because of course it did.
“It’s my job,” he said, voice even.
There it was.
That wall.
That safe, cruel, professional wall.
And you nodded, swallowing the disappointment like you’d swallowed everything else your whole life.
“Right,” you murmured. “Your job.”
Steve didn’t move.
His gaze dropped to your hands, to the way you were picking at the skin around your thumb without realizing.
His voice, when it came, was gentler than his words.
“Try to sleep,” he said. “You have an early day.”
You scoffed lightly. “And if I don’t?”
Steve’s jaw tightened. His eyes flicked away, then back.
“Then I’ll be here,” he said quietly.
The words hung between you.
Not romantic.
Not explicit.
But it landed like a promise anyway.
And when Steve turned and left the room, closing the door softly behind him, you stared at the glass of water on the table and felt your chest ache in a way that had nothing to do with exhaustion.
Because for the first time in your life, you thought…
Maybe I’m not alone.
Steve, on his side, told himself a thousand times to keep it clean.
He was the lead on your detail. He was responsible for your safety. He was trained to stay detached, to maintain boundaries, to avoid personal entanglement.
He knew what happened when agents crossed lines.
Transfers. Investigations. Careers ended.
Lives ruined.
He also knew what happened when people close to power got hurt.
Bodies in the news. Names in press conferences. Grief turned into policy.
Steve had seen too much of that kind of loss to risk becoming another variable.
So he locked it down.
He stayed professional.
He kept his voice neutral.
He didn’t look at you too long.
He didn’t let himself imagine what your mouth would feel like under his, what your hands would do if they didn’t have to be polite.
He didn’t let himself imagine you choosing him.
Because why would you?
You were raised in rooms he would never belong in.
You were the kind of woman the world would eat alive for loving the wrong man.
And Steve – Steve was only your bodyguard.
The word only tasted like ash every time he thought it.
Because it wasn’t only.
Not to him.
Not anymore.
But it had to be.
So he loved you in quiet, safe ways.
Water.
Food.
A coat.
A hand hovering near your back without touching.
His body between you and danger.
His eyes on every exit.
His voice, low in your ear at crowded events: “On your left.” “Step down.” “Hold for one second.”
And every time you listened – every time you trusted him without hesitation – something in Steve’s chest tightened.
Because trust, to him, was sacred.
And you gave it to him like it was easy.
Like it didn’t cost you anything.
He wondered, sometimes, if you knew what you were doing to him.
If you knew that every time you smiled at him – really smiled, private, when no cameras were around – it made him feel like he was standing too close to the edge of something he couldn’t survive.
By the time you hit twenty-five, then twenty-six, then twenty-seven, the world had decided you were old enough that your choices should be judged as strategy.
If you dated, it was for optics.
If you didn’t date, it was suspicious.
If you were seen with anyone, it was a scandal waiting to be framed.
You started avoiding relationships entirely, not because you didn’t want love, but because you were tired of being used as someone else’s storyline.
And then Steve became your constant.
The one man who didn’t ask you to perform.
The one man who didn’t want something from you.
The one man who – despite his coldness, his distance, his careful professional mask – still made sure you drank water, and went to bed, and weren't cold outside.
And you began, slowly, to believe the dangerous thing; that maybe he cared because he cared.
Not because he had to.
Not because it was protocol.
Because you were you.
And he was Steve.
And somewhere between press conferences and late-night briefings and the soft weight of his coat on your shoulders, you fell in love with him.
Quietly.
Hopelessly.
With a patience born from years of being told to wait.
And you told yourself you could live with the ache.
You told yourself it was enough, having him close.
You told yourself you would never ask for more.
But, the thing about lines, is that they don’t stop you from feeling.
They just make you bleed when you cross them.
And you were already bleeding, even if neither of you wanted to admit it yet.
The day it started to crack didn’t feel dramatic at first.
It felt… normal.
Normal in the way your life had trained you to accept – calendar packed from dawn to night, every minute accounted for, every movement observed. Normal in the way your body had learned to carry tension like jewelry: polished, invisible from a distance, cutting into the skin if anyone looked too closely.
You woke before your alarm because you always did. Not because you wanted to. Because your brain didn’t trust peace enough to stay asleep.
The residence was quiet in that early-hour hush, the kind of quiet that belonged to expensive places where even the air seemed trained not to creak. You padded across your bedroom in socked feet, hair twisted up, robe tied too tight because you needed the pressure around your ribs to feel grounded.
Your phone lit up with notifications the moment you picked it up.
Press briefing moved up. New guest added to the luncheon. Security note: “credible threat chatter” flagged overnight – low specificity, high volume. The kind of message that made your stomach tighten without giving your fear anywhere useful to go.
You stared at the screen for a long moment, jaw set.
Then you put the phone down and went to brush your teeth like you hadn’t just read the word threat before coffee.
In the mirror, you looked like the version of yourself the papers loved: composed, pretty in a sharp way, eyes that didn’t beg. If you tilted your chin right, you could almost look untouchable.
You were good at untouchable.
And that was the problem, because Steve had seen all the ways you weren’t.
He was waiting outside your suite when you opened the door.
Always there. Always on time. Always half a step removed from intimacy.
Suit pressed, tie straight, earpiece in. His hands were clasped loosely in front of him, but his eyes were already moving – hallway, corner, reflection, door seams. An entire world of threat assessments running behind his calm expression.
“Morning,” you said.
“Morning,” Steve answered.
His gaze flicked to you – just long enough to register you weren’t fully awake, the faint shadows beneath your eyes, the way your shoulders held too much tension. Then he looked away again, like he didn’t trust himself to linger.
You walked past him toward the kitchen.
He followed, the sound of his steps measured, steady.
The residence smelled like coffee and lemon polish and the faintest trace of last night’s dinner. Somewhere far off, a staffer laughed quietly. A normal morning sound. A human sound.
You clung to it like it was proof the world wasn’t always sharp-edged.
In the kitchen, you went straight for the coffee machine. It was automatic. You didn’t have to think. You needed that.
Steve stopped at the threshold like he always did.
You hated the threshold rule more than you’d ever admit. The way he never fully entered your private spaces unless there was a reason. The way he kept his body at the edge of your life, even as his presence filled it.
You poured coffee into your mug and took a sip too quickly. It burned your tongue.
You winced. Swore under your breath.
Steve’s voice came, quiet, from the doorway.
“Too hot.”
You glanced up, startled.
He didn’t sound smug. Just… observant.
“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” you muttered.
A beat.
Then, still calm: “There’s water in the fridge.”
You closed your eyes briefly, because there it was again. That infuriating tenderness disguised as instruction.
“Steve.”
“Yes?”
“Are you going to police my hydration today too?”
He didn’t move. Didn’t step in. Didn’t soften his posture.
But his eyes met yours.
“There was a new security note,” he said. “We’ll be out all day. You need to be functioning."
The word hit you wrong, like it had in the car before.
Functioning.
As if you were a system. A machine. A thing that could be calibrated.
You swallowed, irritation flashing. “I’m always functioning.”
His jaw tightened. Subtle. A crack of something beneath the surface.
“Not like this,” he said. “Not when you haven’t slept.”
Your grip tightened around the mug.
“I slept.”
“Two hours,” Steve said.
You froze.
Your eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”
Steve’s gaze flicked toward the corridor – checking, automatically, for anyone else listening. Then back.
“Your light was on at two,” he said, voice low. “It went off at four.”
Heat rushed to your cheeks. Not embarrassment exactly. Something else. Something too close to intimacy.
“You’re watching my lights now?” you snapped.
Steve blinked once. “I’m doing my job.”
There it was again.
That phrase.
A shield. A wall. The safe, brutal boundary he used to keep you out.
You stared at him, breath shallow.
You wanted to say: You don’t watch my lights because it’s your job. You watch my lights because you care.
But you didn’t.
You never did.
Instead, you turned back to the coffee and said, too flatly, “Fine. I’ll drink water.”
Steve’s shoulders eased, just slightly.
He didn’t thank you.
You didn’t look at him.
And something – tiny, almost invisible – shifted between you.
Not broken.
Not yet.
But strained.
By eight, you were in the convoy.
The armored SUV smelled like leather and faint cologne. The windows were tinted so dark you could barely see the morning outside. It made you feel like you were moving through the world behind glass, untouchable and trapped at the same time.
Steve sat across from you, facing the rear. Another agent sat in the front passenger seat. A second vehicle followed behind.
You checked your schedule on your phone, thumb scrolling, brain already bracing.
Charity luncheon at ten.
Elementary school visit at noon.
Local hospital wing tour at two.
Donor reception at five.
Private dinner at eight.
Then an early meeting tomorrow with foreign delegates.
You stared at the list and felt your spine tighten.
“You’re clenching your jaw,” Steve said.
You didn’t look up. “I’m fine.”
Steve’s voice didn’t change, but something in it sharpened. “Don’t lie to me.”
Your thumb stopped moving.
You slowly lifted your gaze.
Steve’s eyes were on you now – not scanning the window, not checking mirrors. On you.
It was rare, having his full attention like that.
It felt like standing under direct light.
“I’m not lying,” you said, quieter. “I’m managing.”
Steve’s jaw flexed. “That’s not the same.”
You exhaled through your nose. “You’re really committed to the wellness coach thing today, huh?”
A flicker crossed his face – something like amusement, immediately swallowed.
The car hit a slight bump and your coffee sloshed.
Steve’s hand shot out, fast and controlled, steadying the cup before it spilled.
His fingers brushed yours for a fraction of a second.
Skin to skin.
Heat.
You both froze.
The touch was microscopic. Innocent.
It still felt like a confession.
Steve withdrew his hand as if he’d been burned. His posture went rigid, eyes snapping back to the rear window.
You stared at your own hand like it had betrayed you.
Your heart was pounding too loud.
You cleared your throat. Forced your voice steady.
“Thanks.”
Steve didn’t answer.
He just stared out the window, jaw clenched, like the city outside had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the world.
And you realized – suddenly, sharply – that he wasn’t just professional.
He was fighting.
Fighting something in himself that wanted too much.
And the knowledge made your chest ache with a mix of hope and frustration.
The luncheon was a blur of perfume and polite cruelty.
A hotel ballroom, glittering chandeliers, white tablecloths so crisp they felt like a threat. People in expensive suits smiling like knives.
You moved through it the way you always did: chin up, shoulders back, voice warm. You let strangers touch your arm, kiss your cheek, call you sweetheart in a tone that made your teeth grind. You laughed at jokes you hated.
Steve stayed behind you, always half a step removed. Eyes scanning, body angled to block.
At one point, an older donor – a man with a practiced grin and too much confidence – caught your hand and held it a beat too long.
“My, my,” he said, loud enough for people nearby to hear. “You’re even prettier in person.”
You smiled, because you’d been trained to.
“Thank you,” you said.
His thumb traced the back of your hand.
Too familiar.
Steve moved in instantly. Not aggressive, but present – like a door closing.
“Sir,” Steve said, voice calm, “we need to keep moving.”
The donor’s smile faltered. His gaze flicked to Steve with irritation.
“I’m just complimenting her,” the man said.
Steve didn’t blink. “We have a schedule.”
The donor let go, offended, and muttered something under his breath as you walked away.
Your pulse was fast – not from fear, but from the way Steve had stepped in so seamlessly. The way he’d protected you without making a scene. The way his voice had carried a quiet authority that didn’t need force.
When you reached the edge of the room, you turned slightly toward him, lowering your voice.
“Thank you.”
Steve’s eyes met yours. Brief. Intense.
Then his gaze flicked away.
“Part of the job,” he said.
You flinched, almost imperceptibly.
You hated that phrase.
You hated how he kept using it like it was the only safe thing he could say.
You took a breath, forcing yourself to stay calm. “Not everything is just ‘the job,’ Steve.”
His eyes snapped back to yours.
For a second, his expression shifted – something raw, something almost pained.
Then it closed again.
“Focus,” he said quietly. “Please.”
The word please was gentle, and it only made you angrier.
Because he could be gentle. He just refused to be… open.
You looked away, swallowing the bitter thing rising in your throat.
“Fine,” you murmured.
Steve’s posture eased, but the tension in his jaw didn’t.
He’d heard it too.
The crack in your voice.
By the time you got to the elementary school, the sky had turned overcast. Wind tugged at your hair, cold enough to sting.
Kids swarmed you with paper crafts and sticky fingers and questions that made you smile for real.
“How old are you?” one little girl demanded.
“Old enough,” you said, laughing.
“Do you live in the White House?” a boy asked, eyes wide.
“No,” you said. “But I’ve been there.”
“Is your dad the President?” another asked.
“He’s the Vice President,” you corrected gently.
A chorus of woooow followed, like you were a superhero.
You knelt to their level, took their drawings with genuine gratitude, let them talk over each other without interruption.
Behind you, Steve watched it all.
You knew he did, because you could feel him like gravity.
Once, you glanced back and caught him looking at you – not scanning for threats, not assessing the crowd.
Just… watching you.
His expression softened, the hard lines around his mouth easing. His eyes warm in a way you almost never saw.
It punched straight through you.
For a heartbeat, you forgot the cameras, the agents, the headlines.
It felt like you and him in a bubble.
Then a teacher moved too close behind you, and Steve’s gaze snapped into focus, professional again.
The softness vanished.
The bubble popped.
And you felt – stupidly – like you’d imagined it.
Like your hope was a hallucination born from too many years of loneliness.
In the car afterward, you stared out the tinted window at children waving as the convoy pulled away.
Your throat felt tight.
You didn’t realize you were quiet until Steve spoke.
“You did good back there,” he said.
You blinked, turning to him. “It’s just kids.”
“It’s not just kids,” Steve replied.
His tone was careful, but his eyes were steady.
“They see you,” he said quietly. “Not… the headlines.”
Something inside you cracked, just a little.
You swallowed hard. “Yeah. Well. They don’t know any better yet.”
Steve’s jaw clenched.
He looked away, then back, as if making a decision.
“You’re not what they say,” he said, voice low. “You know that, right?”
Your breath caught.
Because he didn’t have to say that.
Because it wasn’t about threats or schedules.
Because it was… personal.
Your heart thudded painfully.
And your first instinct was to lean into it – to take that tiny offering and hold it.
But then Steve’s face tightened, as if he’d realized he’d stepped too far.
He straightened, posture snapping back into neutrality.
“We’re running late,” he added, brisk. “We need to move.”
The moment was gone.
Just like that.
Your chest burned.
You stared at him, hurt sharp and sudden.
“Why do you do that?” you asked, voice quiet.
Steve didn’t look at you. “Do what?”
“Say something… human,” you said, “and then disappear behind the badge.”
Steve’s hands tightened once, barely, on his knee.
“You’re tired,” he said. “Don’t start.”
Your mouth fell open, anger flashing.
“I’m not starting,” you snapped. “I’m just–”
Just what?
Just begging him to admit he cared?
Just asking him to stop treating you like a duty and start treating you like someone he wanted?
The words jammed in your throat.
Steve finally turned his head, eyes hard now.
“Focus,” he said again, but this time it wasn’t gentle.
It was a command.
Your stomach twisted.
“Right,” you said, voice brittle. “Focus. Of course.”
Steve’s expression tightened, as if you’d done damage he hadn’t intended.
The rest of the drive was silent.
The kind of silence that wasn’t peaceful.
The kind that grew teeth.
By the time you reached the hospital wing tour, you had a migraine blooming behind your eyes.
Everything was too bright, too loud. Flashbulbs. Smiling doctors. Hands shaking yours with gratitude that felt like performance.
You did it anyway. You always did.
Steve stayed close, closer than usual now. You noticed his hand hover more often near your back. You noticed the way he angled his body to shield you from crowds without touching you, as if touch was the one thing he couldn’t allow himself.
And you noticed the way he kept watching you in between scans – watching your face, your breathing, the slight delay before you smiled.
You wanted to scream at him: If you see me, then stop acting like you don’t.
But you didn’t.
Because you were in public.
Because you were trained.
Because you were tired.
At one point, as you moved from one room to another, the world tilted – just slightly. Your vision blurred at the edges.
You stopped, swallowing hard.
Steve was at your side instantly.
His hand found your elbow. Firm. Real. Steadying.
“Hey,” he murmured, so low no one else could hear. “Breathe.”
You blinked, disoriented.
His thumb pressed lightly, once, against your sleeve – anchoring you.
“Too much,” Steve said, voice almost… tender. “We can take five.”
You stared at him. His face was close. Too close.
His eyes were on yours, intense and worried in a way that made your throat tighten.
Then, over your shoulder, someone called your name.
A photographer.
Steve’s expression closed in an instant.
His hand dropped away.
He stepped back.
“Keep moving,” he said, louder, professional. Neutral.
And the whiplash of it – warmth to ice in half a second – made your stomach churn.
You turned and smiled for the camera because you were very good at pretending.
But inside, something was starting to fracture.
Not because Steve had been cold.
Because he hadn’t been cold first.
Because he kept showing you glimpses of something real… then yanking it away like it wasn’t safe for either of you to touch.
And you were starting to realize that the distance wasn’t just protocol.
It was fear.
By late afternoon, the donor reception loomed like a threat.
You stood in your room changing into a sleek dress that made you look exactly like the person the papers wanted you to be: untouchable, expensive, sharp.
You stared at yourself in the mirror and felt strangely hollow.
A knock sounded at the door.
You knew it was Steve. It was always Steve.
“Come in,” you called, and immediately regretted it, because he never did unless necessary.
The door opened only a crack.
Steve’s voice came through. Controlled. Careful.
“Five minutes.”
Your fingers froze on the clasp of your necklace.
“Steve,” you said, impulse winning. “Can you–”
Can you what?
Come in?
Stay?
Look at me like you did with the kids?
Stop pretending?
Your throat tightened.
The silence stretched.
Steve remained on the other side of the door.
Then, softly, “What do you need?”
The question – genuine, quiet – hit you in the chest.
You swallowed.
“I don’t know,” you admitted, voice small. “I’m tired.”
There was a pause.
Then Steve said, so quietly you almost missed it, “Drink some water.”
You let out a breath that sounded too much like a laugh and too much like a sob.
“Of course,” you whispered.
On the other side of the door, you heard him shift – like he wanted to come closer, like he wanted to say something else.
But he didn’t.
He never did.
The door closed again.
And you stared at your reflection, blinking hard.
Because you could feel it now, unmistakably. This wasn’t sustainable.
Not the trust. Not the feelings. Not the way he kept you safe with his body but refused to let you anywhere near his heart.
Something had to give.
And you had a terrible feeling it wouldn’t be him.
Not until it broke.
The donor reception blurred into one long, glittering performance.
A ballroom washed in warm light and expensive perfume. Crystal glasses clinking. People laughing too loudly at jokes that weren’t funny. Your father’s allies orbiting the room like planets, each one trying to get close enough to be seen in the right photograph.
You wore your role like armor.
Smile. Touch an elbow. Tilt your head. Repeat a name. Make a comment that sounded personal without offering anything real.
Steve stayed behind you, as always – half a step, sometimes less when the crowd tightened. He didn’t drink. He didn’t mingle. He didn’t laugh. He was the fixed point in the room, the quiet gravity that kept you upright when everything else felt slippery.
You should have been grateful.
You were grateful.
You were also so tired you could barely hear yourself think.
And because you were tired, you noticed more than you usually allowed yourself to notice.
You noticed the way Steve’s gaze lingered on your face when you laughed for real. The way his jaw tightened when a donor held your hand too long. The way his shoulders shifted – subtle, automatic – every time someone stepped into your space like you belonged to them.
You noticed the things he did without thinking.
And you noticed how quickly he shut them down.
A donor – a woman in diamonds and sharpened politeness – leaned in close, voice low and syrupy.
“You’re doing wonderfully,” she said, fingers brushing the bare skin of your arm. “You must be so proud. Your father is going places.”
You smiled. “Thank you.”
Her eyes flicked past you to Steve.
“And you,” she added, as if you weren’t still standing there, “you must have your hands full.”
Steve didn’t even blink. “Ma’am.”
The woman’s smile turned sly. “He’s handsome, isn’t he?” she said to you, not to him, like you were girlfriends sharing gossip.
Heat crawled up your neck. You forced a laugh, light. “He’s very good at his job.”
Steve’s posture went a shade more rigid.
You could feel him closing down behind you. Like a door locking.
The woman hummed, amused. “Mmm. Of course.”
You moved on quickly, because you knew what those comments did. Not just to you – to him. To the fragile, invisible line he’d drawn around your relationship. The line that kept him safe from rumors, safe from accusations, safe from wanting.
But the comments stayed under your skin anyway.
Because they brushed against a truth you’d been trying not to touch.
By the time you got back to the residence, it was nearly midnight.
You had smiled until your cheeks hurt. You had shaken so many hands your fingers felt numb. Your heels had carved a dull ache into the soles of your feet.
When the convoy pulled into the private drive, you leaned your head back against the seat and closed your eyes.
The SUV was quiet except for the low murmur of radio traffic.
Steve sat across from you, still facing the rear, still scanning. As if the day hadn’t ended. As if danger didn’t respect your schedule.
You opened your eyes and found him watching you instead of the window.
Just for a second.
His gaze was steady, but there was something in it now – tiredness, maybe. Or concern. Or something deeper he refused to name.
Your throat tightened.
“Steve,” you said softly, before you could stop yourself.
His eyes sharpened. “Yeah?”
The single syllable felt intimate in a way it shouldn’t have.
You swallowed. Your fingers twisted in your lap.
“Do you ever…” You hesitated, words stuck behind your teeth. “Do you ever get tired of pretending you don’t care?”
The silence that followed wasn’t empty.
It was packed with everything he refused to say.
Steve’s face went blank in an instant. The mask sliding into place so smoothly it made you want to scream.
“I don’t know what you mean,” he said.
Your breath came out shaky. You hated it.
“Sure,” you muttered, turning your gaze to the window, because looking at him was too much.
The SUV stopped. Doors opened. Night air rushed in.
“Home,” the agent in front said.
Steve moved first, stepping out, scanning the driveway, the shadows, the perimeter.
You followed, the cold air biting at your exposed arms.
Steve’s coat appeared behind you – hovering, then settling over your shoulders. Heavy, warm, smelling faintly of him.
Your heart lurched.
You turned, startled.
Steve’s eyes were on the horizon, not on you. Like he couldn’t allow himself to watch your reaction.
“Thanks,” you said quietly.
“Cold,” he replied, like that explained everything.
You wanted to grab his sleeve. Pull him close. Force him to look at you and admit the truth.
Instead, you walked inside.
Because you were tired.
Because you were trained.
Because you didn’t know how to do this without breaking something.
You went straight to your office.
Not because you wanted to work.
Because you needed somewhere to put the restless energy under your skin. Somewhere to drown the ache with emails and schedules and lists.
Your office was dim, lit only by the desk lamp. The familiar scent of paper and leather and faint vanilla from the candle you never lit because open flames were not allowed. The world reduced to quiet.
You kicked off your shoes and sat down.
For a while, you let yourself pretend you were just another woman with too much work and a headache.
For a while, it almost worked.
Then your phone buzzed again: another message from staff. Another adjustment. Another demand.
You stared at the screen until the words blurred.
And without thinking, you typed back an answer. Efficient. Polite. Professional.
Just like Steve.
That thought hit like a slap.
You dropped your phone on the desk and pressed your fingers to your eyes.
You were not supposed to be thinking about him like this. You were not supposed to be measuring your life against the quiet space he occupied in it.
But you couldn’t stop.
Because he was everywhere.
Even when he wasn’t.
When you finally left your office, the residence hallway was quiet. Most of the staff had gone to bed. The security lights cast soft pools of gold across the polished floor.
You expected to see Steve stationed nearby, like he always was at night.
He wasn’t.
For a second, your stomach tightened with something like panic.
Then you heard voices – low, controlled – coming from around the corner near the security station.
You slowed.
Not because you meant to eavesdrop.
Because you recognized his voice.
Steve was speaking the way he spoke to other agents – calm, factual, stripped of warmth. The tone he used when he wasn’t talking to you.
And you realized with sudden clarity that you’d almost never heard him speak about you.
Not in that context.
Not in that voice.
You stopped in the shadow of a doorway, heart thudding.
“–she’s been under significant pressure,” Steve was saying. “It’s impacting her routine.”
Another voice answered, muffled. “Any behavioral flags?”
Steve hesitated only a fraction.
“No,” he said. “Nothing beyond expected parameters.”
You felt your breath catch.
“Expected parameters?” the other agent repeated.
Steve’s answer came smoothly, without hesitation.
“She’s compliant,” he said. “Stubborn, but manageable.”
Your blood went cold.
Compliant.
Manageable.
Words you’d heard your whole life in different forms. Words used by staffers and advisers when they thought you couldn’t hear them. Words used by men who saw you as a problem to control, not a person to understand.
Your fingers curled hard around the edge of the doorway.
The other voice said something you didn’t catch. Steve replied, sharper now.
“She’s not the primary,” he said. “The Vice President is the primary. Her proximity makes her a high-value target. We mitigate that risk.”
Mitigate.
Risk.
Target.
Primary.
Your throat tightened until it hurt.
You knew – logically – that this was how security worked. You knew Steve had to speak this language. You knew it wasn’t personal.
But hearing it – hearing him reduce you to a set of variables – felt like being shoved out into the cold without warning.
Because you’d trusted him with the parts of yourself you didn’t show anyone.
You’d trusted him because he felt different.
And now, in two sentences, he sounded exactly like the world.
The other agent asked, “You still comfortable with the detail?”
Steve answered immediately.
“Yes,” he said. “I can handle her.”
Handle her.
Like you were a situation.
A problem.
A thing.
Your chest tightened so violently you felt dizzy.
You stepped back without meaning to.
Your heel clipped the edge of a console table.
The sound was small – barely a knock.
It might as well have been a gunshot.
The voices cut off instantly.
Footsteps.
And then Steve rounded the corner.
He saw you.
For half a second, his eyes widened – just slightly. A crack in the mask.
Then his expression smoothed back into professionalism like nothing had happened.
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” he asked, calm.
The casualness almost broke you.
You stared at him, the world narrowing down to the space between your bodies.
“I’m compliant?” you said, voice quiet.
Steve’s face tightened. His gaze flicked toward the security station, toward the other agent, then back.
“You heard part of a–”
“I’m manageable?” you continued, the words tasting like blood.
Steve took a step toward you. “Listen–”
“You can handle me?” Your voice rose, sharp. “Is that what I am now? Something you handle?”
His jaw flexed. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” you demanded.
Steve’s eyes held yours, and for a second you saw something in them – regret, maybe. Or panic.
But he didn’t reach for you.
He didn’t soften.
He didn’t say your name.
He stayed behind the badge.
“I was speaking in operational terms,” he said, voice controlled. “It’s not personal.”
The words landed like a betrayal.
Not because they were cruel.
Because they were safe.
Because they were the exact kind of answer that let him avoid the thing you needed him to say.
You shook your head slowly, disbelief making your vision blur.
“You–” Your voice cracked, and you hated yourself for it. “You were the only person I thought I could trust.”
Silence.
Absolute.
Steve’s face drained of color.
For the first time in years, his composure slipped – just enough to show the man underneath. The man who looked like he’d been punched.
He swallowed hard.
“You can trust me,” he said, and the words sounded desperate.
You laughed once, broken. “Can I? Because it sounds like I’m just a file to you.”
“You’re not,” Steve said, stepping closer now. “You’re not a file.”
“Then what am I, Steve?” you demanded, and your voice shook with it. “What am I to you?”
He froze.
And you saw it – the moment where truth rose to his mouth and he forced it back down.
Because he couldn’t say it.
Because he wouldn’t.
Because he was afraid.
The pause lasted only a second.
It felt like a year.
Steve’s eyes dropped briefly to the floor, then lifted back up – shuttered.
“We need to get you back to your room,” he said, voice turning firm. “You shouldn’t be out here alone.”
It wasn’t an answer.
It was a command.
And something in you snapped.
“No,” you said, voice low.
Steve blinked. “No?”
“I’m not going back to my room,” you said, breathing hard. “I’m going out.”
“Without security,” you echoed, bitter. “You mean without you.”
Steve’s jaw clenched. “Yes.”
“Why?” you demanded. “So you can handle me?”
Steve flinched.
“That’s not fair.”
“You don’t get to tell me what’s fair,” you snapped. “You don’t get to treat me like a risk assessment and then act like you’re the one protecting me from getting hurt.”
His eyes flashed. “I am protecting you.”
“From what?” you shot back. “From the world? Or from you?”
The question hung between you like smoke.
Steve’s breathing went shallow.
His voice came out low, strained.
“Go to your room,” he said. “Please.”
The please was the only crack of humanity in it.
It didn’t fix anything.
It made it worse.
Because it proved he knew you were breaking – and he was still choosing the badge over you.
You swallowed hard, forcing your chin up.
“I trusted you,” you said, quieter now. “I trusted you with everything. And you just– you just proved you’re like all of them.”
Steve’s eyes glistened for a fraction of a second.
Then he locked it down again.
“I’m not,” he said.
But he didn’t say what he was.
And you couldn’t stay in that space anymore.
You turned sharply and started walking down the hall.
“Stop,” Steve called, voice firm.
You didn’t.
His footsteps came after you, fast and controlled.
“Stop,” he repeated, closer.
You spun around, fury burning through the hurt.
“What?” you snapped. “What are you going to do? Give me an order? Drag me back to my room? Call me manageable again?”
Steve froze, as if you’d struck him.
For a heartbeat, his eyes looked naked.
Then his face set.
“That’s not what this is,” he said.
“Then what is it?” you demanded, voice breaking. “Because I can’t keep doing this, Steve. I can’t keep being… this thing you guard and monitor and handle while you pretend you don’t care.”
Steve’s mouth opened.
Closed.
His hands flexed at his sides, like he was fighting the urge to reach for you.
He didn’t.
“I’m trying to keep you safe,” he said finally.
The words were meant to be comforting.
They weren’t.
They were the same words he’d always used.
The same shield.
You stared at him, chest heaving.
Then, very softly, you said the most honest thing you’d said all day, “I don’t feel safe with you right now.”
Steve’s face went still.
Like something in him stopped working.
You didn’t wait.
You turned and walked away, faster this time, heading toward the front entrance.
Steve followed, immediate.
“You can’t leave,” he said, voice tight.
You didn’t look back. “Watch me.”
“You’re angry,” he said. “You’re not thinking.”
“I’m thinking clearer than I have in months,” you shot back, and your throat burned. “I’m not your soldier, Steve. I’m not your assignment. I’m not your primary or your secondary or your risk factor.”
His footsteps slowed for half a second.
Like the words hit.
Then he surged forward again.
“Please,” he said again, lower now, almost… pleading. “Don’t do this.”
You stopped at the door and turned.
Your eyes met his.
For a second, everything else fell away – politics, security, rumors.
It was just you and him.
You stared at his face – the tight jaw, the controlled breathing, the eyes that looked like they held a storm behind them.
“You don’t get to ask me for anything,” you whispered. “Not after what I heard.”
Steve swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“But you said it,” you replied, voice shaking. “And you didn’t even hesitate.”
His gaze dropped, shame flashing.
Then, almost inaudible, “I did hesitate.”
You blinked, thrown.
Steve lifted his eyes to yours again, rawness flickering.
“For a second,” he admitted. “And then I remembered what I’m supposed to be.”
The words should have been honest.
They should have been enough.
They weren’t.
Because what he was “supposed to be” was the exact thing that was breaking you.
You reached for the doorknob.
Steve’s hand moved – fast – then stopped short, hovering, not touching.
A restrained instinct.
A leash he held on himself.
You stared at the space between his hand and yours, that fraction of distance that had defined your entire relationship.
Then you opened the door.
Cold air rushed in.
You stepped out into the night.
And you left him behind, standing in the doorway like a man who’d just watched the one person he loved walk straight into danger – because he’d been too afraid to call it love.
Cold air hit you like a slap the moment you stepped outside.
The residence grounds were quiet at this hour – too quiet. The kind of quiet that made every crunch of gravel sound obscene, every rustle of leaves feel like a whisper meant for someone else’s ears. The security lights cast pale pools across manicured hedges and stone paths, turning the world into a series of bright islands and dark gaps.
You kept walking anyway.
You didn’t let yourself hesitate, because if you did, you might turn around.
And if you turned around, you might see Steve standing in the doorway with that expression you’d just glimpsed – raw, wounded, terrified – and it would make you weak.
You couldn’t afford weak.
Not tonight.
Not when the one person you’d trusted to see you as human had just reduced you to a set of terms.
Compliant. Manageable.
Your hands were shaking as you crossed the drive.
You fumbled for your keys and hated how loud they sounded. Hated how small your body felt under the open sky, exposed and stupidly vulnerable without the usual wall of agents and protocol around you.
The irony wasn’t lost on you.
You had walked out on security because you felt unsafe with him – because you felt betrayed – yet your skin prickled with awareness now, every nerve screaming danger like it hadn’t in months.
A car engine idled in the distance. A dog barked once, far away. Somewhere, a security camera rotated with a soft mechanical whirr.
You reached your car and yanked the door open.
The interior smelled faintly of leather and the vanilla air freshener you’d bought on impulse weeks ago, trying to make it feel less like another controlled space.
You sat behind the wheel.
And for a moment – just one – your hands hovered above the ignition as your chest heaved, breath caught like you’d been running.
The tears didn’t fall yet.
They gathered, hot and humiliating, burning behind your eyes.
You blinked hard.
No.
Not here.
Not now.
You shoved the key into the ignition.
The engine turned over with a low purr.
You backed out too fast, tires crunching over gravel, and headed toward the gate.
Your phone buzzed.
You didn’t look at it.
You didn’t need to.
You knew exactly who it was.
Inside the residence, Steve stood frozen in the doorway like he’d been nailed there.
He watched your taillights cut through the darkness and felt something in his chest collapse.
His training screamed at him. Protocol demanded immediate action. You were leaving the secure perimeter without your detail. You were angry, emotional, impulsive – high risk on every axis.
He should have moved.
Should have called it in. Should have sent another unit, activated the contingency plan, locked the gate if necessary.
He did none of it.
Because for one nauseating second, all he could see was your face when you said it.
You were the only person I thought I could trust.
It had landed in him like a bullet.
The truth was – he had known you trusted him.
He’d felt it every time you stepped exactly where he guided you without looking. Every time you followed his quiet “left” or “step down.” Every time you let him stand close without flinching.
He’d carried that trust like it was something fragile, something he didn’t deserve.
And then, tonight, he’d treated it like… language.
He’d talked about you like a file.
He’d let his operational brain choose words that were safe, detached, professional – words he would never say to your face.
And you had heard them.
He’d been caught.
Not lying.
Being exactly what he’d forced himself to be.
A bodyguard.
Only a bodyguard.
And the cost of that, suddenly, was you walking out into the night without him.
Steve’s hands clenched hard enough that his knuckles went white.
His radio crackled in his ear. A voice asked a question. Another voice called his name.
He didn’t answer.
He was staring at the empty driveway like he could will you back.
He couldn’t.
Then his instincts finally snapped into place – too late, too desperate.
He reached for his phone.
Your phone buzzed again.
Then again.
And again.
You kept your eyes on the road.
The city outside the residence grounds was sleeping – streetlights casting long reflections on wet asphalt, storefronts dark, occasional cars drifting past like ghosts.
You drove without a destination.
Because it wasn’t about going somewhere.
It was about being gone.
Being out of the residence, out of the camera angles, out of Steve’s orbit.
Being somewhere where you could breathe without feeling like you were being evaluated.
The buzzing stopped.
A second later, the screen lit up with a call.
STEVE.
Your throat tightened so hard it hurt.
You stared at the name until the call went to voicemail.
Immediately, another came through.
You let it ring too.
Your hands were trembling on the steering wheel.
Your chest felt tight, like your ribs were strapped down.
The anger was still there – hot, sharp – underneath everything.
But now it mixed with something else. Something sick and heavy.
Guilt.
Because you knew leaving was dangerous.
You knew he wasn’t calling because he wanted to win an argument.
He was calling because his entire job – his entire identity – was keeping you alive.
And you had just ripped that away from him.
A tiny part of you whispered: He deserved it.
Another part whispered: You’re being reckless.
You clenched your jaw.
You turned the volume of your radio up just to drown out your own thoughts.
At the first red light, you finally looked down at your phone.
Eight missed calls. Five new messages.
You didn’t open them.
You couldn’t.
If you read his words, you might cave. You might turn around.
And you weren’t ready to do that.
Because if you turned around, you’d have to face the truth: that you still wanted him. That despite everything, your heart still leaned toward him like a compass.
And wanting him felt humiliating right now.
You exhaled shakily, staring at the red light.
Your reflection stared back from the windshield – eyes too bright, face pale.
You looked like a woman who had finally realized the one safe thing she’d clung to wasn’t safe after all.
The light turned green.
You drove on.
You ended up in a quiet neighborhood near the river – one of the few places in the city that didn’t feel like it belonged to anyone important. Rows of trees, dark water, a narrow road that curved along the edge like a secret.
You pulled over and parked.
Your hands stayed on the wheel for a long moment.
Then you let your forehead fall forward until it rested against your knuckles.
And the tears came.
Silent. Angry. Ugly.
You weren’t crying because Steve had done something unforgivable.
You were crying because he had proven something you had spent your whole life fighting against; that even the kindest men still saw you as a thing attached to power.
A risk.
A duty.
A problem to manage.
You dragged in a shaky breath, wiping at your cheeks with the sleeve of your coat – Steve’s coat – still around your shoulders like a cruel joke.
You should have taken it off.
You couldn’t.
It smelled like him.
Warm, clean, familiar.
Safe.
And that made you hate him more.
Your phone buzzed again.
A new message.
You glanced down despite yourself.
Please. Tell me where you are.
Your throat tightened.
You stared at the screen until your vision blurred.
Then you locked your phone and tossed it onto the passenger seat.
No.
Not yet.
Ten minutes passed.
Then fifteen.
The city stayed quiet.
Your breathing steadied.
The anger cooled into something aching.
And underneath it all, a dangerous thought kept creeping in, He sounded panicked.
Not professionally urgent.
Panicked.
He’d looked like he’d been losing something when you walked out.
And maybe – maybe – he had.
Maybe this hadn’t been easy for him either.
Maybe he’d been holding himself back for so long that the only way he knew to survive was to put you in a box labeled “client” and “assignment” and “manageable” – because if he admitted what you were to him, he would want too much.
You swallowed hard, hands tightening on the steering wheel again.
It didn’t excuse it.
But it made the hurt feel… complicated.
You hated complicated.
You lived in complicated.
You wanted, just once, something simple.
Something honest.
You wanted him to look at you and say I love you.
Not It’s my job.
Not Focus.
Not Go to your room.
Your stomach twisted.
You should go back.
You knew you should.
If not for Steve, then for yourself.
If there was another threat, if there was some idiot with a camera, if someone recognized your car…
You inhaled, shaky.
Fine.
You’d go back.
You’d go back on your terms.
You reached for your phone.
Another buzz interrupted you.
This time, it wasn’t Steve.
It was your father’s chief of staff.
You stared at the name, dread sliding down your spine.
You answered before you could think.
“What?” you said, voice rough.
“Where are you?” the chief of staff demanded immediately. No greeting. No softness. “We got an alert you left the residence.”
Of course you did.
Of course they knew.
Of course your life was monitored even when you tried to run.
“I’m fine,” you snapped.
“You are not fine,” the chief of staff shot back. “You are the Vice President’s daughter. There are protocols–”
“Don’t,” you hissed. “Don’t talk to me about protocols.”
A pause.
Then, quieter, more careful: “Agent Rogers is losing his mind.”
Your chest tightened despite yourself.
“He shouldn’t,” you said, cold.
“He’s trying to locate you,” the chief of staff continued. “He’s activated–”
“Tell him to stop,” you said, voice shaking. “Tell him I’m not– I’m not his file.”
Silence.
Then, “You need to return.”
“I will,” you said, jaw clenched. “Soon.”
“Where are you?”
You looked out at the river, dark and indifferent, and felt the exhaustion settle in your bones.
“I’m in my car,” you said. “That’s all you get.”
You ended the call with your father’s chief of staff with your pulse still in your throat.
The quiet in the car felt wrong now – too thin, too exposed. Like the night had been holding its breath with you, waiting to see what you’d do next.
You stared at your phone, screen dark. The urge to call Steve rose again, sharp and guilty, and you swallowed it down like you’d swallowed everything else tonight.
Not yet.
You couldn’t deal with his voice. Not when it might crack you open.
You pulled in a slow breath, wiped the heel of your hand across your cheek, and forced your fingers to stop trembling.
Fine.
You’d go back.
Not because he deserved it.
Because you did.
You started the engine. The familiar vibration under your palms steadied you a fraction – something solid, something you could control.
Headlights cut a clean path through the dark as you eased out of your spot and merged back onto the road.
The city was quiet at this hour, streetlights painting wet asphalt in pale gold. Storefronts were shuttered. The river disappeared behind you, black and indifferent.
You drove carefully. Too carefully, maybe – every mirror checked twice, every intersection approached with the cautious patience of someone who’d grown up being told the world was dangerous.
Your phone buzzed once.
You didn’t look.
Your grip on the steering wheel tightened anyway.
Just get home. Just get back inside the perimeter. Just breathe.
A few streets later, you came up on a traffic light.
It was green.
Clear. Simple. Permission.
You rolled through, the tires humming softly over the painted lines.
And then – movement.
A blur from your right, too fast, too wrong.
You had just enough time to register headlights cutting across the intersection at an angle that made no sense.
Red for them.
Green for you.
Your stomach dropped, reflex screaming.
You jerked the wheel left on instinct – useless, too late.
The impact hit the passenger side with a brutal, grinding crash.
Metal screamed.
Glass shuddered.
The whole car lurched sideways as if a giant hand had grabbed it and thrown it.
Your body snapped against the seatbelt, the strap biting across your chest. Your head whipped – not hard enough to injure, but hard enough to steal your breath.
The world turned into noise and spin.
The car rotated – once, twice – tires skidding, the road becoming a smear of light and shadow outside the windshield. Streetlights strobed past in dizzy flashes. Your hands clenched the wheel like it was the only thing keeping you anchored to reality.
Then, as suddenly as it started, it stopped.
A final jolt.
Silence – thick, ringing silence – punctured by the ticking of your engine and the distant hiss of another car idling wrong.
Your heart was hammering so hard it felt like it might crack your ribs.
You sat frozen, both hands still locked around the steering wheel, breath trapped halfway in your lungs.
For a second you didn’t move because you didn’t trust your body to obey you.
Then you blinked.
Once. Twice.
Your vision steadied.
You looked down at yourself automatically – arms, chest, legs.
No blood.
No sharp pain.
Just the violent aftershock trembling through your muscles, the ghost of impact still vibrating in your bones.
You swallowed hard and forced yourself to breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Your hands finally loosened their death grip on the wheel.
The passenger side was caved in enough that you could hear the faint crackle of stressed metal cooling. Your side mirror was hanging at an angle, reflecting only dark sky. The air smelled like burned rubber and something electrical.
You turned your head slowly, checking the passenger seat on instinct.
Outside, somewhere nearby, a horn blared once, then cut off.
Your phone had slid into the footwell. The screen was lit with a web of missed calls and notifications, but your eyes couldn’t focus on the words yet.
You swallowed again, throat tight, and stared through the windshield at the traffic light still glowing green, indifferent.
You had done everything right.
You had had the right of way.
You had been careful.
And still…
Your breath hitched, anger and fear tangling together, hot and ugly.
The door handles rattled as someone outside stumbled, footsteps unsteady on the pavement. A slurred voice floated through the night, too loud.
“Oh– oh shit–”
Drunk.
You could hear it immediately in the loose way the words fell apart.
You didn’t open the door.
You didn’t even think about it.
You just sat there, shaking, safe only because you were unhurt and alone in the car.
And because somewhere, in the back of your mind, the brutal truth cut through the adrenaline like ice.
You had left the perimeter.
You had left your detail.
You had left Steve.
Your hands found your phone without you fully deciding to. You dragged it up from the footwell with trembling fingers, thumb hovering over his name like it had been carved into memory.
Your throat tightened so hard it hurt.
Not yet, you thought.
Then you looked at the crushed passenger side again, and your pulse stuttered.
Your thumb hovered over Steve’s name for half a second again.
Muscle memory. Instinct. The person your body still wanted to reach for even when your pride was bleeding.
You swallowed hard and forced yourself to move past it.
Not Steve.
Not yet.
Your screen was smeared with your fingerprints when you unlocked it – hands still shaking, heart still thundering. You scrolled, fast, past recent calls, past missed notifications, until you found the number you needed.
SAM WILSON.
You hit call.
It rang once.
Twice.
He picked up on the third, voice already alert, like he never truly slept when you were off-perimeter.
“Wilson,” he said.
“Sam,” you breathed, and your voice came out thinner than you wanted. You cleared your throat, forcing the words into shape. “It’s me. I– I’ve had an accident.”
The pause on the line wasn’t silence. It was Sam’s brain switching gears.
“Okay,” he said immediately, calm in a way that wrapped around you like a blanket. “Okay. You hurt?”
“No,” you said quickly. “No, I’m shaken but I’m not hurt. I think– I think the seatbelt did its job.”
“Good. Stay with me.” His tone tightened, professional now. “Where are you?”
You swallowed, eyes flicking around the intersection. The street sign. The traffic light still green for the direction you’d been going. A storefront on the corner – dark, but the name was visible under the streetlamp.
“I’m at–” your voice wobbled, and you hated it. You sucked in a breath. “I’m at the intersection of– hold on.”
You leaned forward carefully to see better, neck stiff, and read the signs out loud. Then you glanced at your navigation screen and rattled off the nearest cross street again, more clearly.
Sam didn’t interrupt once.
“Okay,” he said when you finished. “I’ve got it. I’m pinging it now. Stay in the car. Doors locked?”
“Yes,” you said, breath shaky. “Yes, they’re locked.”
“Good. Seatbelt still on?”
You looked down like you needed proof. The strap cut diagonally across your chest, taut.
“Yes.”
“Perfect. Keep it on for now.” You could hear him moving – keys, maybe, the rustle of fabric, the controlled urgency of someone already in motion. “Tell me what happened.”
You stared at the crushed passenger side, the way the metal had folded in on itself like paper. Your stomach rolled.
“I went through a green light,” you said, voice tight. “And someone– someone ran the red. They hit me on the passenger side. I spun– my car spun around.”
“Any airbags deploy?”
“No.”
“Any smoke? Fuel smell?”
“No smoke,” you said, sniffing automatically. “Just… rubber. And like… hot metal.”
“Okay.” Sam’s voice stayed steady, anchored. “Is the other driver still there?”
You looked through the windshield. In the periphery, you saw movement – someone staggering near a car stopped awkwardly by the curb. They seemed more interested in their own bumper than in you.
“Yeah,” you said slowly. “He’s here. He… he’s not steady.”
A beat.
“Drunk?” Sam asked, already knowing.
“Sounds like it.”
“Alright.” Sam exhaled, sharp. “Listen to me. Do not engage. Do not roll down the window. If he approaches your car, you call me out loud and you honk the horn. Understood?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” Another pause, shorter this time. Then, “I’ve dispatched a unit and I’ve got EMS en route. Ambulance is on the way.”
The words hit you in the chest with a strange combination of relief and humiliation.
An ambulance. Over a minor crash. Over you.
But you didn’t argue.
Your hands were still shaking too much to pretend you were fine.
“Okay,” you whispered.
“I’m going to stay on the line,” Sam said. “Talk to me… you hear me, right?”
A shaky laugh tried to escape you and died halfway.
“I hear you.”
“Good.” His voice softened a fraction – still professional, but warmer. “You did the right thing calling. You’re not alone, alright?”
Your throat tightened again, hot this time.
Because you hadn’t wanted to feel alone.
Not when you left. Not when you drove away. Not when you tried to punish Steve with absence.
You swallowed hard, blinking fast.
“Sam,” you said quietly, “can you– can you tell Rogers not to–”
You stopped yourself.
Because you didn’t even know what you wanted.
Not to come? Not to blame himself? Not to show up looking like stone and make you feel small?
Sam’s tone stayed neutral, but there was a gentle edge to it, like he already understood where this was going.
“Not to what?” he asked.
You stared at the dark street beyond your windshield, listening to the ticking of your engine like a countdown.
“…Nothing,” you whispered finally. “Forget it.”
Sam didn’t push. He just let the silence breathe, filling it with his steady presence.
“Alright,” he said. “Ambulance is about five minutes out. You’re doing great. Just stay put.”
You tightened your grip on the phone, knuckles white.
Outside, the drunk driver’s voice carried again, louder – complaining, swearing, blaming the universe.
You ignored him.
You kept your eyes forward.
You focused on Sam’s voice, on the fact that help was coming, on the fact that you were unhurt.
And on the bitter, unavoidable thought you couldn’t quite shove away:
If Steve found out you’d been hit – if he heard you were in an ambulance – he would come like gravity.
And you weren’t sure you were ready for what would happen when he arrived.
Sam didn’t waste a second.
He lowered the phone from his ear, already moving, already making the next call as he walked, jaw set.
Steve picked up fast – too fast, like he’d been holding his phone in his hand.
“Wilson,” Steve said, voice tight.
“It’s me,” Sam answered. No preamble. “She’s been in a car accident.”
Silence – sharp, immediate.
Then Steve’s voice came through, controlled but dangerously strained. “Is she hurt?”
“She says she’s not injured,” Sam replied, already filtering information the way they were trained to. “Passenger-side impact, vehicle spun. EMS is on scene, they’re getting her out now.”
Steve exhaled hard, a sound that wasn’t quite a breath.
“Where?”
Sam rattled off the coordinates and the nearest cross streets. “Ambulance is en route to the hospital for a check-up. Standard protocol. I’ve got units moving.”
Steve didn’t respond for a beat.
Sam could hear it anyway: the shift. The snap into motion. The way Steve’s mind would already be mapping routes, calculating time, rewriting the night around one single priority.
“Which hospital?” Steve asked, voice low.
“Nearest trauma-capable facility,” Sam said. “They’ll confirm destination in a minute, but it’s likely–” He named it.
“Okay,” Steve said, and that single word was steel. “I’m going.”
Sam kept his tone even. “Rogers–”
“I’m going,” Steve repeated, sharper now, and the professionalism in it didn’t hide the undercurrent. Not to Sam. Not after years on the same details, reading each other’s tells.
Sam paused, then chose his next words carefully.
“She didn’t call you,” he said quietly. “She called me.”
Silence again.
Then Steve’s voice, rougher: “I know.”
Sam sighed through his nose. “Get to the hospital. Don’t make it worse.”
“I won’t,” Steve said – too fast, too certain, like he needed to believe it.
Sam could already hear movement on Steve’s end: a door opening, footsteps, the clipped efficiency of a man heading into the night with purpose.
As Sam ended the call, he glanced back toward the outside of the residence. He watched for a second longer than he needed to.
Then he turned away, because there were protocols to run, reports to file, and a vice-presidential detail that had just gone from tense to volatile.
And because, somewhere behind all of it, he could already picture Steve Rogers walking into that hospital with his mask on, and praying it wouldn’t crack at the worst possible moment.
The ambulance ride was a blur of sirens and antiseptic.
The paramedic kept asking you questions in a calm voice that didn’t match the way your heart was trying to climb out of your chest.
“Any nausea?”
“No.”
“Headache?”
“Just… pressure.”
“Neck pain?”
“Yes.”
“Rate it, from one to ten.”
You stared at the ceiling of the ambulance, trying to attach numbers to sensations you couldn’t name. Your body didn’t feel like it belonged to you right now. It felt like a suit you’d been forced into – tight in all the wrong places, buzzing with adrenaline.
“Four,” you managed, because four sounded reasonable. Because you were still trying to be reasonable even now. Even when your hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
Your phone sat on the bench beside you, screen cracked at the corner where it had hit the floor of your car. It kept lighting up with notifications you couldn’t read fast enough.
Calls you didn’t answer.
Messages you didn’t open.
Because one name kept appearing, over and over, like a pulse.
STEVE
The paramedic noticed. “Family?”
You swallowed. “No.”
They didn’t push. They just nodded and tightened the strap on the blood pressure cuff around your arm.
The fabric bit into your skin.
The restraint of it – gentle, clinical – made your throat tighten.
Not because it hurt.
Because it reminded you how quickly control disappeared when something went wrong.
You stared at the ceiling again and forced yourself to breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
You’d done this before – panic attacks in bathrooms during campaign events, hyperventilating in the back of cars after debates, hands pressed to your ribs while you tried to look normal.
Steve had been there for some of them.
Not close.
Never too close.
But there – outside the stall, outside the door, voice low and steady: Count with me.
And now he wasn’t here.
Not yet.
And the absence was a weight.
The paramedic’s radio crackled. “ETA three minutes.”
Your stomach twisted.
Part of you wanted Steve to show up.
Part of you wanted to lock the hospital doors and never see him again.
Both parts felt like they belonged to you.
Both parts felt like betrayal.
He arrived before you did.
Which shouldn’t have been possible.
But Steve Rogers didn’t do “impossible” the way most people meant it.
When the ambulance doors opened at the ER entrance, cold night air rushed in along with bright fluorescent light. The world became too loud – voices, footsteps, wheels squeaking, the sharp beep of a monitor being rolled past.
And then you saw him.
Steve stood just beyond the threshold where the paramedics would hand you off, jacket thrown over his suit like he’d dressed in seconds, hair not quite perfect, eyes wild in a way you’d never seen before.
He looked… wrong.
Not unprofessional. Not sloppy. Just… undone.
Like whatever mask he wore for the world hadn’t snapped fully back into place.
His gaze locked on you.
And you watched – actually watched – the moment his face changed when he confirmed you were alive.
Relief hit first. Sharp, almost violent.
Then fear.
Then something that looked dangerously close to pain.
He moved forward.
Not with the careful half-step behind you. Not with the measured pace of a man staying in his lane.
He moved like a man who had been held back too long.
“Sir,” one of the paramedics greeted him automatically, then corrected themselves when they recognized him. “Agent Rogers. She’s stable. Minor collision. Possible whiplash. No loss of consciousness.”
Steve didn’t take his eyes off you.
“Are you hurt?” he asked, voice low and raw.
It wasn’t the polite question he’d asked you a thousand times during events. It wasn’t operational.
It sounded like he needed the answer to breathe.
“I’m fine,” you said, and your voice came out hoarse. “It’s minor.”
Steve’s jaw clenched.
His gaze dropped to the strap over your chest, the way your hands trembled against the blanket.
“You’re shaking,” he said.
“Adrenaline,” you muttered.
Steve’s throat bobbed.
He looked like he wanted to say something else.
He didn’t.
He turned sharply to the nurse approaching with a clipboard.
“I need a room,” Steve said, voice snapping into authority. “Private. Now.”
The nurse blinked. “Sir, we triage–”
“She’s the Vice President’s daughter,” Steve said, controlled but edged with threat. “And you will triage her, yes. In a room. Not in a hallway.”
The nurse’s eyes widened. She nodded quickly and gestured down the corridor.
“Room three,” she said.
Steve walked alongside the gurney as they wheeled you in.
Too close.
Too present.
Your chest tightened with something sharp.
You stared straight up at the ceiling tiles and refused to look at him.
Because if you looked at him, you might soften.
And you couldn’t afford softness. Not yet.
Not when his voice had called you manageable.
Not when you’d walked out and he’d let you go.
Not when you’d needed him and he’d been a job description.
Room three smelled like disinfectant and paper. The lights were harsh, unforgiving. Everything was white and metallic and designed to make people feel small.
They transferred you onto the hospital bed. Wrapped a blood pressure cuff around your arm. Put a pulse ox on your finger.
The beeping started – steady, irritating, constant.
A nurse asked you questions.
Name, date of birth, allergies.
You answered automatically, like you were reciting a script.
Steve stood near the door.
Not at the threshold this time.
Inside the room.
Like the rules had shifted, and he either didn’t care or couldn’t remember them.
His presence pressed on you, heavy and familiar.
You kept your eyes on the wall.
A doctor came in and did a quick exam: checked your pupils, pressed gently along your neck, asked you to move your head.
You winced.
“Likely cervical strain,” the doctor said. “Whiplash. We’ll do imaging to be safe, given the mechanism. But it looks minor.”
“Good,” Steve said.
The doctor glanced at him. “Family?”
Steve opened his mouth.
You beat him to it, voice flat. “Security.”
Something in Steve’s face flickered.
The doctor nodded like that made sense in your world, then left.
The nurse adjusted the bed. “We’ll get you to imaging in a few minutes.”
Then she left too.
And suddenly it was just you.
And Steve.
And the fluorescent hum.
The silence spread between you like a pool of cold water.
You stared at the wall, jaw clenched so hard it ached.
Steve didn’t speak at first.
You could hear him breathing.
Too fast.
Too controlled.
Like he was trying to wrestle his body back into discipline.
Finally, his voice came quietly.
“Why didn’t you tell me where you were?”
You laughed once, bitter. “Because I didn’t want you to come.”
Steve flinched.
You turned your head just enough to see him in your peripheral vision.
He looked like he’d been punched again.
His hands were clenched at his sides, knuckles pale.
“I didn’t let you go,” he said, voice strained.
You blinked. “You literally watched me leave.”
Steve swallowed hard. “I didn’t stop you.”
“Right,” you said coldly. “Because it wasn’t personal.”
Steve’s eyes closed briefly, as if he could physically feel your words.
When he opened them again, his gaze was on the floor.
“I should’ve followed you,” he admitted, voice low. “I should’ve… I should’ve handled it differently.”
Handled.
The word made your stomach twist.
You sat up slightly, careful of your neck, and looked at him fully now.
“Don’t,” you said.
Steve looked up, startled.
“Don’t use that word,” you said, voice shaking now. “Not here.”
His face tightened. “I didn’t mean–”
“I know what you meant,” you cut in, breathing hard. “That’s the problem. I know exactly what you mean.”
Silence.
Steve took a step toward the bed.
Then stopped, like there was an invisible line he couldn’t cross.
He hovered there, stranded between what he’d always been and whatever this was becoming.
“I was scared,” he said, and the admission came out like it cost him.
You stared at him, heart pounding.
“Of what?” you asked.
Steve’s jaw flexed. His gaze lifted to yours, and for the first time tonight, you saw it – the thing he’d been hiding.
Not indifference.
Fear.
Real, human fear.
“Of losing you,” he said simply.
Your chest tightened painfully.
You scoffed, because if you didn’t, you might cry. “Funny way of showing it.”
Steve’s shoulders sank a fraction.
“I know,” he said, voice rough. “I know.”
He stepped closer again, slower this time, like he was approaching a wild animal that might bolt.
He stopped at the side of the bed.
Not touching you.
Just… near.
“I heard you,” Steve said quietly.
Your throat tightened. “Heard me?”
“In the hallway,” he clarified. His voice cracked on the last word. “When you said… I was the only person you thought you could trust.”
Your stomach dropped.
You looked away quickly, throat burning.
Steve’s voice continued, softer now. “I’ve replayed it about a thousand times since you left.”
You swallowed. “Good.”
The word was cruel.
You couldn’t stop it.
Steve flinched, but he didn’t retreat.
Instead, he exhaled slowly, like he was making a choice.
“You shouldn’t have been alone,” he said.
You snapped your gaze back. “Don’t start. Don’t you dare make this about–”
“Not because you can’t take care of yourself,” Steve cut in quickly, urgent. “You can. You always do. That’s not what I mean.”
His hands flexed, then stilled.
His voice lowered.
“I mean you shouldn’t have been alone because I should’ve been there. Because I made you feel like you couldn’t call me.”
Your mouth opened.
No words came out.
Your chest hurt.
Because yes.
Because that was exactly it.
You’d wanted to call him the moment your stomach started twisting in the car. The moment you pulled over. The moment the other car sent yours on the side.
You hadn’t.
Because hearing him speak about you like a file had made you feel stupid for ever believing he was different.
Steve took a shaky breath.
“I used the wrong language,” he said, and the apology in it wasn’t pretty or polished. It was raw. “I know I did. I– I talk like that in briefings because it keeps things clean. It keeps me… separate.”
You stared at him. “Separate from what?”
Steve’s eyes held yours, and for once, he didn’t look away.
“From you,” he whispered.
The words hit like heat.
“You think talking about me like I’m not a person keeps you separate?” you demanded, and anger flared again, sharp and protective. “That’s what you chose?”
Steve’s jaw tightened. “I didn’t want to want you.”
The sentence landed in the room with a thud.
Your breath caught.
Steve’s eyes looked almost haunted.
“I didn’t,” he repeated, like confession was something he had to force out. “Because wanting you means… I’m not objective. Wanting you means I make mistakes. Wanting you means I cross lines I can’t uncross.”
You stared at him, heart hammering so hard you felt it in your throat.
“And you think I don’t know what that feels like?” you whispered.
Steve blinked. “What?”
You swallowed hard, voice shaking with it.
“I live in a world where every relationship is strategic,” you said. “Where people don’t touch me unless it benefits them. Where I have to second-guess every smile. Every compliment. Every invitation.”
Your eyes burned.
“And you,” you continued, voice cracking, “you were the first person who didn’t feel like that.”
Steve went very still.
Your throat tightened until it hurt.
“I trusted you,” you said again, quieter now. “Because you were steady. Because you were honest. Because you didn’t want anything from me.”
You let out a shaky breath.
“And then I heard you reduce me to ‘compliant’ and ‘manageable’ and ‘parameters’ like you were talking about a malfunctioning device.”
Steve’s face twisted, agony flashing.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
You stared at him, tears threatening.
“You don’t get to be sorry,” you said, voice thin. “Not if you’re going to keep hiding behind your job when it matters.”
Steve’s hands trembled.
You watched it.
Watched the tiny shake he couldn’t control.
That scared you more than the accident.
Because Steve didn’t lose control.
Not like this.
He looked at you like you were something he’d almost lost and didn’t know how to survive it.
“I’m done hiding,” Steve said suddenly.
The words startled you.
You blinked. “What?”
Steve swallowed hard. His voice was rough, like he’d been swallowing glass.
“I’m done hiding behind it,” he clarified, and his eyes flickered to the door as if he was afraid someone might hear. “Because tonight… tonight I realized something.”
You didn’t speak.
You barely breathed.
Steve’s gaze locked on yours.
“If you had been hurt,” he said, voice shaking now, “if you had been lying in that car and I wasn’t there–”
His throat bobbed. His jaw clenched hard.
“I wouldn’t have survived it,” he finished, almost inaudible.
Your chest tightened painfully.
“Steve,” you whispered.
He flinched at his own name coming from your mouth. Like it undid him.
He exhaled, slow and shaky.
“I love you,” he said.
The words were quiet.
Not dramatic.
Not romantic in the movie sense.
Just… honest.
And it felt like the room tilted again, except this time it wasn’t dizziness.
It was your heart trying to decide whether to leap or protect itself.
You stared at him, tears spilling now despite your best effort.
“You don’t–” you started, then stopped, because you didn’t even know what you wanted to say.
Steve looked terrified suddenly, like he’d jumped off a cliff.
“I know I shouldn’t,” he said quickly, voice urgent. “I know it’s not appropriate. I know I’m– I’m your bodyguard, and you’re– you’re–”
“The Vice President’s daughter,” you finished, bitter.
Steve shook his head sharply. “You’re you.”
His eyes shone.
“You’re the woman who remembers the names of every staffer in this house,” he said, voice breaking. “You’re the woman who sits on the floor with a laptop because chairs make you feel trapped. You’re the woman who drinks too much coffee and forgets to eat when you’re stressed, and then pretends you’re fine.”
His voice softened, wrecked.
“You’re the woman I’ve been trying not to fall in love with since the first year.”
Your breath hitched.
You pressed the heel of your hand to your mouth, shaking.
Steve’s hands lifted slightly, hesitated, then lowered again – still not touching you.
Like he still didn’t think he was allowed.
“Why?” you whispered through tears. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Steve’s eyes closed briefly.
“Because I’m not supposed to want you,” he admitted. “Because the second I admit it, everything changes. Your father finds out. The press finds out. The Service finds out. And then you lose your detail lead, and I lose–”
He swallowed, voice rough. “I lose you.”
You stared at him. “You think keeping me at arm’s length keeps you from losing me?”
Steve’s jaw clenched. His eyes opened, meeting yours.
“I thought it would hurt less,” he whispered.
The honesty of it made your chest ache.
“But hearing you say you trusted me–” He shook his head, voice breaking. “Hearing you say I was the only person… and then watching you leave…”
His breath shuddered.
“I realized I’d already lost you anyway,” he finished.
Silence filled the room.
The monitor beeped steadily, indifferent.
Outside, footsteps passed in the hallway.
And inside, you stared at Steve Rogers – this man who had guarded you with his body for years but had been too afraid to guard you with his truth.
You wiped at your cheeks, angry at the wetness.
“I don’t want grand gestures,” you whispered.
Steve swallowed. “Okay.”
“I don’t want… promises you can’t keep,” you added, voice trembling.
“I won’t,” he said immediately.
You stared at him, throat tight.
“What I want,” you said slowly, “is for you to stop treating your feelings like a liability.”
Steve’s eyes softened, pain and hope tangled together.
“I don’t know how,” he admitted, barely audible.
You inhaled shakily.
“Then learn,” you whispered.
Steve flinched as if the word struck him.
You held his gaze, steady despite the tears.
“And if you’re going to say you love me,” you added, voice fierce now, “then don’t say it because you’re scared. Say it because you mean it.”
Steve’s throat bobbed.
“I mean it,” he whispered.
And for the first time in years, he didn’t hide behind the badge when he said it.
He didn’t move to touch you.
But his eyes looked like hands anyway – careful, reverent, trembling with restraint.
A knock sounded at the door.
A nurse peeked in. “We’re ready to take you to imaging.”
You blinked, dazed.
Steve’s gaze flicked to the nurse, then back to you.
“I’m staying,” he said quietly.
It wasn’t a question.
It wasn’t a protocol.
It was a choice.
And as they started to wheel your bed out of the room, Steve walked beside you – close, unflinching – his hand hovering near the rail like he was finally allowing himself to be something other than your shadow.
Not just your bodyguard.
Not tonight.
Imaging took longer than it should have.
Not because anything was wrong – your scans came back clean, your neck pain labeled as a strain, the kind that would ache for a few days and then fade into memory – but because hospitals were built on waiting. Built on bright lights and paperwork and the quiet, grinding erosion of control.
You lay still while machines whirred. You answered questions with a numb voice. You nodded at nurses and let them fuss with straps and angles and warnings.
Through all of it, Steve stayed close.
Not in the hovering, disciplined way he usually did.
In a way that made the air around you feel… anchored.
He walked beside your gurney, one hand near the rail like he couldn’t quite let himself grip it, like touch was still a language he was learning to speak without flinching. When a nurse asked him to wait outside the imaging room, he did – immediately, without argument – yet you could feel him on the other side of the door, a steady presence refusing to leave.
And every time the door opened again, he was there.
Eyes on you first.
Not scanning the corridor.
Not checking exits.
You.
It was unnerving.
It was also, in some helpless part of you, exactly what you’d wanted for years.
When they finally wheeled you back into room three, your body felt heavy with exhaustion. The adrenaline had burnt itself out, leaving only soreness and a hollow ache behind your ribs.
They settled you into the bed again, adjusted the pillow, handed you a cup of water and a small packet of painkillers with the kind of practiced kindness that made you feel even more fragile.
“Take these with food when you can,” the nurse said. “You’ll likely feel stiff tomorrow.”
You nodded.
She glanced at Steve – who was still by the door, posture taut, eyes too intent.
“Anything else?” she asked.
Steve answered before you could. “Low light if possible. Quiet. She needs rest.”
The nurse gave a quick, sympathetic smile and dimmed the overheads.
Then she left.
The door clicked shut.
And you were alone again.
With him.
In a softer room now, the harsh white cut down to a gentle hum. Shadows pooled in the corners. The monitor beeped steadily.
You stared at the cup of water in your hands like it was the most fascinating thing in the world.
Because looking at Steve felt like standing too close to a fire.
“You should drink,” Steve said quietly.
You let out a short, tired breath that might have been a laugh if your throat didn’t hurt.
“Of course,” you murmured, and took a sip because you didn’t want to fight over water in a hospital bed.
Steve didn’t smile, but something eased in his shoulders anyway – as if seeing you do something simple and safe was enough to keep him from falling apart.
You hated how much that mattered to him.
You hated how much it mattered to you.
A long silence stretched.
Then, Steve spoke again, voice low.
“I should have told you years ago.”
You didn’t look up. “Told me what?”
“You know what,” he said, and the words carried a rawness that made your chest tighten.
You swallowed. Your fingers tightened around the cup.
“Say it anyway,” you whispered.
Steve’s inhale was shaky. “That it wasn’t just the job.”
Your throat burned.
You stared at the water. “But it was, though.”
Steve went very still.
“It started as the job,” you continued, voice quiet but sharp. “You were assigned to me. You followed protocols. You did what you were trained to do.”
You finally lifted your eyes.
“And somewhere along the way,” you said, “you forgot you were dealing with an actual person.”
Steve flinched like the words physically hit him.
His hands clenched once, then relaxed as he forced them open again.
“I didn’t forget,” he said hoarsely. “I… I did the opposite. I saw you too clearly.”
You stared at him.
Steve’s eyes shone in the dim light, not with tears spilling – Steve didn’t spill easily – but with something strained, too bright.
“And it scared the hell out of me,” he admitted.
The honesty landed differently now. Less like a confession meant to stop you from leaving. More like a truth he couldn’t carry alone anymore.
He took a step forward, slow.
He stopped by the chair at your bedside like he wasn’t sure he’d earned it.
“Can I?” he asked quietly, gesturing to the chair.
The question – permission – undid something tight in your chest.
You nodded once.
Steve sat down carefully, like the chair might break, like the floor beneath him might.
His knees angled toward you. His hands rested on his thighs, fingers flexing, betraying the tension he was holding back.
For a moment, neither of you spoke.
And then you whispered, “I heard you.”
Steve’s jaw clenched.
“I know,” he murmured.
“No,” you said, voice trembling. “I mean… I heard you for years. In the little things.”
Steve’s gaze lifted to you, startled.
“You can’t spend years reminding someone to drink water, or to eat, or to sleep, and then act surprised when they fall in love with you,” you said, and your laugh broke halfway through because it hurt too much to say it out loud.
Steve’s eyes widened, then softened in a way that made your throat close.
“I didn’t think…” he started.
“You didn’t think I would love you back?” you finished, bitter.
Steve’s throat bobbed.
“I didn’t think I deserved it,” he admitted, barely audible.
Silence hit again, heavy and intimate.
You looked away quickly, blinking hard.
“And tonight,” you said, voice quieter, “you made me feel stupid for trusting you. For… for letting you be that close.”
Steve’s shoulders sank.
“I know,” he whispered.
You turned your head sharply, anger flaring again because it was easier than softness.
“No, you don’t,” you snapped. “Do you know what it’s like to grow up with everyone wanting something from you? Everyone touching you like you’re– like you’re currency? Do you know what it feels like to finally let one person in and then hear them talk about you like you’re a set of parameters?”
Steve’s face twisted with pain.
“No,” he said, voice rough. “I don’t. Not like you do.”
He swallowed hard, eyes fixed on yours like he couldn’t look away even if it destroyed him.
“But I know what it feels like to be terrified of wanting something you don’t think you’re allowed to have,” he added.
Your breath hitched.
Steve’s hands lifted slightly, then fell again.
“I made myself talk like that,” he said, and the shame in it was palpable. “I trained my mouth to use operational words because if I didn’t– if I let myself think of you as… you– then I would start making choices that weren’t clean.”
You stared at him.
“What choices?” you whispered.
Steve’s jaw flexed. He looked like he hated himself for what he was about to say.
“I would start wanting to pull you away from rooms you’re supposed to stand in,” he said quietly. “I would start wanting to take your phone out of your hand and tell every person who thinks they own you to go to hell.”
His voice grew lower, dangerous in its sincerity.
“I would start wanting to put my hands on you in ways that have nothing to do with security.”
Heat crawled up your neck.
Your pulse spiked.
Steve noticed – of course he did – and his face tightened.
He looked away for the first time, like he didn’t trust his own eyes.
“And then what?” you asked, voice shaking.
Steve’s laugh was broken, humorless.
“Then I lose my job,” he said. “I get pulled off your detail. Your father finds out. The press finds out. And you get shredded for it.”
He looked back at you.
“And you deserve better than being someone’s scandal.”
Your throat tightened.
“Don’t decide what I deserve,” you whispered.
Steve’s gaze held yours, steady.
“I’m not deciding,” he said, voice softer. “I’m… admitting why I was scared.”
You exhaled shakily.
The room felt too small. Your skin felt too sensitive. The air between you felt charged.
You swallowed hard.
“And what are you going to do about it?” you asked.
Steve blinked, caught off guard. “What do you mean?”
You stared at him, exhaustion stripping you down to blunt honesty.
“You told me you love me,” you said. “Okay. Now what? Are you going to go back to being cold in the morning? Are you going to put the mask back on and pretend tonight didn’t happen?”
Steve’s face went pale.
“No,” he said immediately, too fast. “No.”
You held his gaze, not letting him hide.
“Then what,” you repeated, voice firm despite the tremor. “Because I can’t go back to half-truths, Steve. I can’t do this if you’re going to punish me for feeling something.”
Steve’s breath shuddered.
He stared at you for a long moment – like he was measuring the distance between his fear and your honesty.
Then he nodded once, small but decisive.
“I’m not going to punish you,” he said quietly. “And I’m not going to pretend.”
He swallowed, jaw tight.
“But I also won’t lie to you,” he added. “This is complicated. There are consequences.”
“I know,” you whispered.
Steve’s gaze flicked over your face, lingering.
“And you still want–” He stopped, like the words hurt. “You still want me?”
Your throat tightened.
You wanted to say no out of pride.
You wanted to say yes out of truth.
You settled on the only thing you could say without breaking.
“I want you to be honest,” you whispered.
Steve’s eyes softened.
“Okay,” he said. “Honest.”
He leaned forward slightly, elbows on his knees.
“I love you,” he repeated, slower this time, like he was building something careful. “I have for a long time. And I hate that I let fear make me cruel.”
Your breath caught.
Steve’s voice lowered.
“When I talked about you like that, it wasn’t because I don’t see you,” he said. “It was because I see you too much, and I didn’t know how to keep myself from wanting to–”
He stopped, jaw tightening.
“From wanting to be yours,” he finished, almost inaudible.
The words landed in your chest like a weight and a balm at the same time.
You stared at him, pulse racing.
“And what does that mean?” you whispered.
Steve swallowed. His eyes didn’t waver.
“It means I’m going to ask for a transfer,” he said.
You blinked, startled. “What?”
Steve nodded once, grim.
“I can’t keep protecting you while I’m lying to you,” he said. “And I can’t keep wanting you while pretending I don’t.”
Your stomach dropped.
A sharp pain flared – not in your neck, in your chest.
“You’re leaving,” you whispered.
Steve flinched immediately. “No.”
“That’s what that is,” you snapped, panic rising. “That’s you leaving because it’s easier than–”
“It’s not easier,” Steve cut in, voice rough. “It’s the opposite.”
His hands clenched hard, then relaxed as he forced himself to breathe.
“I’m trying to do this without destroying you,” he said.
Your eyes burned.
“And what if I don’t want to be protected from getting destroyed?” you whispered. “What if I want to choose?”
Steve’s face twisted, a mix of pain and something like relief.
“You do,” he said softly. “You get to choose. That’s… that’s why I’m telling you now. Not hiding it.”
You stared at him, heart pounding.
“Okay,” you said, voice shaky. “Then here’s my choice.”
Steve went still, eyes locked on yours.
You swallowed hard.
“I don’t want you gone,” you whispered. “I don’t want you to run because you’re scared. And I don’t want you to stay if you’re going to keep carving yourself into pieces to fit the job.”
Your voice cracked.
“I want… something real,” you finished. “Even if it’s messy.”
Steve’s breath shuddered.
For a second, his eyes looked wet.
Then he nodded, slow.
“Okay,” he whispered. “Real.”
He hesitated, then lifted his hand slightly, palm open on the edge of the bed – not touching you, just offering.
The gesture was small.
It felt enormous.
You stared at his hand for a long moment, heart hammering.
Then you placed your fingers into his.
Steve’s entire body went still, like he’d been shocked.
His grip was gentle. Careful. Like he was holding something precious and breakable.
You exhaled shakily.
“Still afraid?” you whispered.
Steve’s mouth twitched, a small, sad smile. “Terrified.”
You squeezed his hand once, a silent answer.
“Good,” you murmured. “Then at least you’re honest.”
Steve let out a breath that sounded like it had been trapped in his lungs for years.
He didn’t pull you closer.
He didn’t try to kiss you.
He just held your hand like it was a promise he didn’t want to break.
After a moment, you whispered, “I’m sorry I left.”
Steve’s jaw clenched.
“You shouldn’t have been alone,” he said, voice thick.
“I know,” you admitted. “I was angry.”
Steve’s gaze dropped to your joined hands.
“You had every right,” he said quietly. “And I… I should’ve earned that trust better.”
Your throat tightened.
“And for what it’s worth,” you whispered, “I didn’t leave because I wanted to hurt you.”
Steve’s eyes flicked up. “Why did you?”
You swallowed.
“Because I was scared that if I stayed,” you said, voice trembling, “I’d forgive you too fast. And I’d go back to pretending the ache was enough.”
Steve stared at you like the honesty gutted him.
“It’s not enough,” he said, voice low.
“No,” you agreed. “It’s not.”
Silence fell again, but it was different now.
Not teeth.
Not cold.
Just… quiet.
Steve’s thumb moved once, barely, over your knuckles. A tentative stroke, like he was testing whether he was allowed.
You didn’t pull away.
Steve’s breath hitched softly.
“Can I stay?” he asked.
You blinked. “You’re supposed to.”
He shook his head, almost imperceptibly.
“Not as your detail lead,” he murmured. “Not as protocol. As… me.”
Your chest tightened.
You swallowed, then nodded once.
“Yes,” you whispered. “Stay.”
Steve’s shoulders sagged in relief so visible it startled you. Like that single word loosened something he’d been carrying in every muscle.
He shifted the chair closer to the bed and sat again, still holding your hand.
The minutes stretched.
Your eyelids grew heavy.
The pain in your neck throbbed dull and persistent.
Steve stayed awake beside you, gaze fixed on your face like he was memorizing you.
At some point, you murmured, half-asleep, “Hydration check, Agent Rogers?”
Steve’s soft huff of laughter warmed the room.
“Drink some water,” he whispered.
You smiled faintly, eyes closed.
“And Steve?” you murmured.
“Yeah,” he answered immediately.
Your voice was sleepy, but the truth in it was clear.
“If you ever talk about me like I’m a file again,” you said, “I’ll make you regret it.”
Steve’s thumb stroked your knuckles again, gentle.
“I won’t,” he promised. “Not ever.”
You breathed out, letting yourself sink into the pillow.
“Okay,” you whispered.
Steve’s voice followed you into the edge of sleep, steady and soft.
“I’ve got you,” he murmured.
This time, it didn’t sound like a job.
It sounded like a vow.
Two months later, the residence felt different.
Not because the hallways had changed – same polished floors, same quiet hum of security systems, same framed photos of handshakes and flags and history. Not because the cameras had disappeared – they hadn’t. They never would.
It felt different because you had changed.
And because Steve had, too.
The fight with your father in the days after the accident had been the kind of argument that left bruises you couldn’t photograph. It had started with protocol and reputation, with phrases like inappropriate and unacceptable risk, with your father’s voice cutting through the living room like a gavel.
It had ended when you finally snapped and said, shaking, “I nearly died because I stopped believing I could call the one person who actually sees me.”
You didn’t remember everything that happened after that. Just flashes: your father’s face going pale. His hands tightening on the back of a chair. The moment his anger faltered – not into softness, not immediately, but into something far more telling.
Fear.
Because he’d seen you shaken before. He’d seen you tired. He’d seen you irritated.
He had not seen you broken.
Not like that.
Not with your voice cracking on the truth.
And when he realized that this wasn’t a crush or rebellion or tabloid fodder – that this was you clinging to the only thing that had ever felt steady in a life built on shifting ground – something in him had shifted.
The next morning, your father had knocked on your door without staff, without advisors, without the press team lurking like vultures.
He’d stood there, looking older than you’d ever allowed yourself to notice.
“I don’t like it,” he’d said plainly. “I don’t like the risk. I don’t like what it means for you.”
You’d crossed your arms, braced for battle.
Then he’d added, quieter, almost reluctant, “But I like you being alive more.”
And after that, it had been… not easy, never easy, but possible.
Your father had stopped trying to control the narrative like it was the only thing that mattered. He’d stopped treating your feelings like a liability to be mitigated. He’d started – slowly, awkwardly – treating you like an adult whose choices might actually be about something other than optics.
And Steve…
Steve had stopped living at the threshold.
He still wore his suit. Still carried the earpiece. Still watched crowds like a hawk watches the horizon.
But he didn’t hover like an outsider anymore.
He entered rooms without acting like his feet were on hot coals.
He sat beside you on the couch, close enough that your shoulders touched.
He slept in your bed on the nights you needed him to – actually slept, not just “stood guard” with his heart beating too loud.
He learned how to split himself in two without tearing.
Agent Rogers, when cameras were pointed at you.
Steve, when you were alone and your hands were shaking for reasons that had nothing to do with threats.
He got better at it every day.
So did you.
Tonight, the residence library glowed with warm lamp light. Rain tapped softly against the windows, turning the glass into a blurred watercolor of city lights.
You sat at the desk in your usual way – laptop open, shoulders tense, hair pinned back because it got in your face when you worked. A mug of cold tea sat forgotten to your left. Your inbox was a battlefield.
Steve had been in and out for the last hour – brief phone call in the corridor, a quiet check with another agent, a glance at the monitors. He’d left you to it, because you’d asked for space.
But “space” didn’t mean “disappear.”
And Steve had learned the difference.
The chair creaked behind you.
You didn’t look up immediately. You were halfway through rewriting a statement, the cursor blinking like a heartbeat.
Then Steve’s voice came, calm and unarguable.
“Okay,” he said.
You paused, fingers hovering over the keys. “Okay what?”
“Okay, you’re done,” Steve replied.
You blinked, finally turning your head.
He was standing in the doorway – except he wasn’t lingering at it. He was in the room, fully, like he belonged there. One hand braced on the doorframe, the other holding a glass of water that caught the lamplight.
His expression was familiar: that composed steadiness that could handle a motorcade and a riot and a screaming donor.
But his eyes were pure Steve – soft, attentive, affectionate in a way that never quite stopped making your chest ache.
“You’ve been staring at that screen for two hours,” he said. “Without a break.”
You frowned. “That’s not true.”
Steve’s mouth twitched. “You haven’t blinked since the last time I walked past.”
“That’s an exaggeration.”
“It’s not,” he said, stepping closer. “Drink.”
He held the water out to you.
You took it automatically, because you always did now – because somewhere along the way, the act stopped feeling like being managed and started feeling like being cared for.
And the fact that you didn’t fight it anymore made something warm unfurl in your chest.
You raised the glass and took a drink.
Steve watched, quiet, like he could finally breathe again.
You swallowed and set the glass down.
Then you smiled – small, genuine.
“It’s kind of funny,” you said.
Steve lifted a brow. “What is?”
“You still do it,” you murmured. “The water thing.”
His expression softened. “I’m going to do it until you’re eighty.”
You huffed a laugh. “Bold of you to assume I’ll live that long.”
Steve’s gaze sharpened instantly. “Don’t.”
The single word wasn’t harsh.
It was protective. Immediate. The edge of fear still living in him, even months later.
You held his gaze for a beat, then nodded, gentling.
“Okay,” you said quietly. “Okay.”
Steve’s shoulders eased.
He reached past you and closed the laptop with one smooth motion.
You made a protest noise. “Hey–”
Steve leaned down, close enough that his breath warmed your cheek.
“That,” he said softly, “is not a request.”
You stared up at him, lips parting despite yourself.
His eyes dipped to your mouth for a fraction of a second.
Then, like he remembered himself, he straightened – half a step back, the tiniest return to professional composure.
“You need a break,” he said. “A real one.”
Your pulse thrummed.
“Are you telling me this as my bodyguard,” you asked, voice light, “or as my boyfriend?”
Steve’s mouth twitched again. A smile he didn’t fully let himself wear in public.
“Both,” he admitted.
You hummed thoughtfully and reached for the glass again, taking another sip just to watch his gaze follow the movement. Like he couldn’t help it.
When you set it down, you turned in your chair fully to face him.
Steve stood there, arms relaxed, posture steady.
A man who could be dangerous to anyone else.
A man who was gentle with you like gentleness was a sacred duty.
“Okay,” you said.
Steve blinked. “Okay?”
“You want me to take a break,” you said. “Fine.”
You reached for the edge of his tie.
Not tugging yet.
Just touching it.
Steve’s breath caught – subtle, but you heard it. You always heard it now.
His eyes darkened, a flicker of heat behind the calm.
“Sweetheart,” he warned, voice low.
You smiled. “That sounded like boyfriend.”
“It was,” Steve admitted, swallowing.
You hooked your fingers into his collar and pulled him down toward you – decisive, unapologetic.
Steve’s hands hovered for a beat, as if he still had to ask permission.
Then he remembered: you’d told him to be real.
So he let himself.
He kissed you.
Not like a man trying to prove something.
Like a man coming home.
Warm, firm, careful at first – then deeper when your hand slid behind his neck and you made a quiet sound against his mouth that melted the last of his restraint.
His palm cupped your jaw gently, thumb brushing your cheekbone like he couldn’t help it. Like he needed to touch you to believe you were here.
The kiss wasn’t frantic.
It was grounding.
It tasted like water and rain and the soft sweetness of safety.
When he finally pulled back, his forehead rested lightly against yours.
His voice was a whisper.
“Better?”
You exhaled, breath shaky with a laugh. “Much.”
Steve’s mouth curved, finally, into a real smile.
He pressed a smaller kiss to your lips – gentler, almost playful – then straightened and glanced at the closed laptop like it was a defeated enemy.
“You’re taking a break,” he said again.
You tipped your head. “Or what?”
Steve’s eyes warmed. “Or I’ll carry you out of this room.”
You arched a brow. “That sounds like an abuse of power.”
“It’s an abuse of concern,” he corrected smoothly.
You laughed, the sound soft in the lamplight.
Steve leaned down and kissed your forehead – quick, tender – then held his hand out to you.
“Come on,” he said. “Five minutes away from the screen. That’s all I’m asking.”
You looked at his hand.
At the steadiness of it.
At the way he offered without demanding.
You took it.
“Five minutes,” you agreed.
Steve’s thumb stroked your knuckles once, like punctuation.
“And,” he added, voice quiet, “I’m proud of you.”
Your throat tightened.
“Steve–”
“I know,” he murmured, squeezing gently. “No more work talk. Just… let me take care of you for a minute.”
You nodded, swallowing past the sudden burn in your chest.
As he led you away from the desk, you glanced back at your laptop and realized something startling. For the first time in a long time, stepping away didn’t feel like losing control.
It felt like being held.
If you enjoyed this, please reblog and consider leaving some feedback ❤️
Series Summary: After Bucky cheats on you, you leave the Tower shattered, humiliated, and convinced that love has only ever made you smaller. Steve comes back from a mission to find you gone - and when he learns the truth, his loyalty is tested in ways he never expected.
Series Warnings: tower fic, alternative mcu, slow burn, healing arc, hurt comfort, emotional hurt comfort, angst with comfort, infidelity angst, second chance at love, cheating / infidelity, emotional betrayal, toxic ex relationship, Bucky Barnes is OOC, forced kiss, non con elements (very light), boundary violation, sexual assault implications, emotional manipulation, jealousy and possessiveness, panic attacks / panic response, vomiting due to distress, STI scare / medical testing mention, violence / physical fight, blood mention, breakup grief, trauma recovery, found family, protective steve rogers, soft steve rogers, toxic bucky barnes, self-worth issues, mentions of emotionally abusive family dynamics, reader has a difficult childhood, happy ending, MDNI, some chapters will have smut or explicit intimacy
Important note about Bucky:
Bucky is very OOC in this fic. I want to be very clear about that from the start: I know he is OOC, I know canon Bucky would not act like this, and I am not presenting this as my interpretation of canon Bucky Barnes.
This story uses him in a deliberately darker, more toxic role for the sake of the angst, conflict, and Reader’s healing arc. So please, before sending me an ask or leaving a comment to tell me that Bucky would never behave this way: I know. That is what this warning is for.
I will not be replying to complaints about Bucky being written OOC. You have been warned, and if this version of him is not something you want to read, please feel free to skip this fic.
for your A Very Ruby Valentine's event: Dom!Steve + Valentine's Day date
Dom!Steve Rogers x submissive female reader
Watching Steve's muscles move was a fascinating, very absorbing show in any other circumstances.
Like when he worked out, or moved stuff, or as he weaved shibari rope around his forearm after a session.
So really, you shouldn't be surprised your gaze glued itself to his back and biceps when those muscles flexed as he kneaded the dough. There was enough strain for the veins in the crook of his elbow to pop out, but also gentleness that reminded you of the way he moved those skilled hands over your flesh.
"Darling." Steve's voice was a pleasant caress that added to your developing fantasy instead of snapping you out of it.
He chuckled when you didn't respond right away, too mesmerized.
He paused, saying your name this time. With a tinge of firmness that tugged on the invisible leash that formed between you two as your power exchange dynamic developed.
Your gaze lifted up to his face, mouth still a little parted.
"I wanted to make a Valentine dinner for us, but you were the one adamant on helping out." Steve pointed out. "But I sense you're deriving from the type of bonding activity cooking together was supposed to be into a different kind."
"I was just lost in thought." You shrug, but feel heat scorching your face with shame.
"You're going to chop those herbs for the dip, or should I secure you in the bedroom so you don't cut yourself while lost in thoughts?" He arched a single eyebrow.
With a huff, stopping yourself from sticking your tongue at him (because that would end in immediate Dom reaction), you returned to finely chopping the mountain of herbs and garlic.
Steve was a good cook, though he didn't always have enough time to expand on it in daily use. But for special occasions, or simply when he wanted to make you or himself feel special, he went all out on exquisite dishes.
His idea for the Valentine's Day was a dinner together at home - one prepared by him, so you didn't have to be on restaurant schedule, instead enjoying the comfort and quite of your apartment. Then dessert, also baked by Steve, while watching a rom-com of your choice.
Afterwards, a long, delicious session at the Ruby Garden.
Steve offered to stay home the whole night; after all, he didn't need the club to torment and please you into unconsciousness. But you liked the themed events and the additional excitement being at the club gave.
Steve's choice for romantic vibe was Italian cuisine. You melted at the mere mention of what he planned to prepare. Not only because you liked to eat delicious food, but because Italy was your little obsession. Food, movies, style. Never visited, but always calling out to you.
You didn't know yet that in the drawer of Steve's nightstand there was an envelope with a small lemon bow attached to it.
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summary: basically steve and reader are together, peggy reappears through a time traveling machine, reader thinks steve will leave her and pushes him away. yay.
a/n: i love peggy carter so this is not the place to be a hater. enjoy!!!
masterlist
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you don’t know how you got here. avoiding the man you know to be the love of your life, unsure whether he wants to stay or go.
you suppose there was a catalyst, a big one a few days ago…
…
the light coming in from the open window blinds you and you shut your eyes tightly while a groan escapes your mouth. you hear a chuckle behind you, then his scratchy beard against your shoulder as he nuzzles into you.
“morning, sweetheart.” he says, voice raspy and oh so hot.
you can’t stop the grin that plasters itself on your face.
“good morning, stevie.” your body turns until you’re face to face with him and you start running your fingers through his hair. he moans softly with his eyes closed and you swallow the heat it makes you feel. god, you love him like this. just yours. your stevie.
when he finally looks at you, his sleepy eyes shine with love.
“any plans today?”
you scrunch up your nose and he sighs, already knowing the answer. you’ve been together for long enough that he knows every single one of your expressions.
“i’m gonna kill tony one of these days.”
you gasp, faking surprise.
“captain america? murder?” he bites his lip, but you can tell he wants to laugh at your antics.
“it’s romantic, honey. i would be killing him so he wouldn’t make you work all the time and we could spend all day together.”
“oh,” you tell him, getting closer to his face and almost putting your lips to his, “i didn’t see it like that, now i get it.”
you stare at each other before bursting out in laughter. as he sobers up, he looks at you still laughing and can’t help but pull you closer with the arm that’s around your waist.
“can i go with you?” he asks, doing his best impression of the puppy dog eyes.
“you’ll be bored and tony will get antsy.” he is still looking at you with those goddamn eyes and you have to sigh. this man, you just can’t say no to him. “alright, but if tony gets annoying, don’t say i didn’t warn you.”
“yes ma’am.” he grins, and so do you.
…
getting ready with steve was a mixture between actually getting ready and kissing and laughing like teenagers who didn’t want to get caught by their parents. ever since you two met, almost three years ago, there was something about him that made you feel… unguarded. free. safe. safe to be who you were, who you felt like being in the moment, who you wanted to be. and in turn, you were his calm space, his no expectations other than be yourself space. and his girl.
…
“oh, i see you brought the boyfriend.”
you snort when you look at steve’s already exasperated face.
“tony, we’ve known each other for almost a decade.”
tony just shrugs as he tinkers with some things on the table.
the lab is where you both work. well, more like where he works and you organize. you’re not fully educated to know all the things he does, but you are creative so he always appreciates your input.
“what are you doing?” you ask him.
“trying to fix this quantum reactor so our little invention actually teleports people and doesn’t pulverize them on the spot.”
you nod.
“yeah, that would be… ideal.”
tony smirks.
“so… got anything?”
steve looks at you curiously and you grin.
“actually, i do.”
getting closer to the table, you grab a tablet and use your voice command to have F.R.I.D.A.Y pull up some files.
“so, we have the energy.” you begin.
“if i can fix the reactor then-“
you cut tony off.
“you will. so,” you continue, “we have the energy, now we need a stabilizer.” tapping a few things on the tablet, you continue talking. “we’ve tried creating exotic matter with things like helium, but what if we use metal as our superconductor? more specifically… vibranium?”
tony narrows his eyes as steve looks at both of you in confusion.
“that… could work.” you smile. “it could also fry the entirety of new york.” your smile drops.
“but-“
“we have to try it.” he finishes.
“really?” you ask, hopeful. tony smiles softly and then begins walking towards the exit.
“really. i do have to ask bruce about the specifics to then ask the wakandans for the vibranium, but-“ he turns and looks at you. “you did great, kid.” and he leaves.
you turn to look at steve to find that he’s already looking at you in awe.
you feel yourself get hot under his intense gaze.
“what?” you ask shyly.
“you’re amazing, you know that?” you open your mouth to deflect the compliment but he cuts you off by grabbing your waist and pulling you in for a breathtaking kiss. when you pull away, he puts his forehead against yours. “i’m the luckiest man alive.”
you shake your head softly.
“i’m the lucky one here, stevie.”
he smiles softly and pecks your lips.
“we’re both lucky then, yeah?”
“yeah.” you say, a little breathless. “i love you.”
and steve, he melts.
“i love you more.”
…
“alright, ready?” bruce asks as he fiddles with the controls.
tony checks out a few things on the side of the machine, where the central console is. as he does that, you, steve and bucky stand there watching excitedly. and a little bit scared. bucky more than anyone, since the first trial of the teleportation machine consists of attempting to teleport his very own vibranium arm.
“one second… almost there- done!” tony exclaims. then he turns to bruce. “ready.”
you look at steve. he grabs your hand. bucky rolls his eyes playfully.
“let’s hope y/n’s idea doesn’t blow up new york.”
“bruce!” you admonish him. “you are also part of this. we are all to blame if something goes wrong.”
“sorry,” he says, guiltily, “you’re right. let’s hope we don’t blow up new york.” he corrects himself.
every one of you takes a step back, getting closer to where bruce’s location is in the lab, putting a safe distance between you and the machine that could explode.
“okay, in three, two, one…” silence. slow motion. fear.
as soon as he presses the buttons, you all prepare yourselves for the arm to disappear and reappear a few meters away from its original position. what you don’t prepare for is for nothing to happen. and when you say nothing, it means nothing. not a damn thing moves.
you feel disappointment sink into your stomach. god, you were so excited about your idea. so happy to make tony proud.
“i’m sorry kid,” he says as he puts a hand on your shoulder.
you watch with unshed tears as bucky begins walking over to the machine in order to grab his arm while steve tells you “it’s okay, sweetheart.” you don’t expect, though, the sparks that start coming out of it as soon as he grabs his vibranium limb. your friend runs back to where you’re all standing and staring at the potential explosion. the gleam becomes more intense, and the floor starts shaking, causing things that were neatly placed to fall over. you grab onto steve’s hand as he steps forward to shield you from the blast. in a second, a blue light erupts from the center of the machine and hits everything, making all of you tumble and fall to the floor.
…
your ears are ringing, and you can smell the smoke that’s probably everywhere.
“y/n! y/n!” you hear faintly. your eyes open to reveal a frantic steve, grabbing onto your shoulders and shaking you, trying to get you to wake up. when he realizes you’re conscious he sighs in relief and wraps his arms around you, hugging you tightly.
“is-“ your voice comes out breathy and raspy, so you clear your throat. slowly the ringing starts to fade. “everyone okay?” you ask him, wide eyes terrified.
“we’re all good, just a bit barbecued.” tony’s response makes you laugh despite the situation.
you cough and move your hand to dissipate the black smoke near you. it does not budge.
you try to look for bucky and find him at the back of the lab trying to put on him arm.
“buck!” you try to stand and find that your whole body is shaking, so you hold on to steve as you move slowly. “i’ll help you, wait.”
as you attach the arm to your friend, the smoke starts dissipating. bruce and tony ask F.R.I.D.A.Y to turn on the ventilators and start running diagnostics. steve starts walking towards you, but then everything stops.
from the black smoke emerges, not a ghost per se, but the closest thing to one you can think of.
“steve!” peggy carter stands there, in all her glory, looking confused and relieved at the same time.
and that’s when it starts.
…
after that, a lot of things happen. in order, the list goes like this:
-steve freezes.
-steve turns.
-peggy runs.
-peggy hugs him.
-he hugs her back.
…
the rest of the day goes by in a blur. peggy explains that she was in her office in the fifties when a circle, which bruce deduced was a wormhole, appeared and sucked her in. steve keeps looking at her like he’s seen a ghost and his salvation. bucky looks at you sympathetically. you pretend you don’t see it. tony comes to the conclusion that the machine, instead of teleporting people or things from place to place, somehow teleports people or things from one time to another, through a wormhole.
…
that night, when steve comes into your shared room and lays beside you, you pretend to be asleep. and when he wraps his arm around your waist and positions himself close to you, you do your best to stop your heart from breaking.
…
you try to keep it together. you really do.
days pass, in which she settles more into the rhythm of the compound.
one day, you find her alone in the kitchen.
“hi.” she says.
“hey,”
“i don’t think i’ve properly introduced myself. i’m margaret, but you can call me peggy.”
you give your best attempt at a smile. as if you didn’t already know everything about her.
“y/n, i… kind of brought you here.”
peggy’s eyebrows raise.
“well… you have quite the mind.”
you snort.
“thank you. and i’m sorry, it must be a lot to be transported to another time.”
she gives you a smile.
“it is, but… it’s nice seeing some people again.”
you stomach twists.
“i’m sure it is.” you smile, again. “anyway- i have to go. steve will drive me crazy if i miss training.”
her eyes light up at the mention of his name.
“are you two… close?” she asks in a tone you can’t really read.
you stop. what should you say? should you tell her that you’ve been together for the past couple of years, that he’s the love of your life, that you would die without him?
you swallow.
“yeah, we’re all really close here.” you offer her a polite smile and then leave.
…
after that conversation, a realization hits you: you’re going to lose him. he’s hers.
and when he realizes that she’s his too, it’s over for you.
he’ll be so nice about it, but the kindness won’t matter, after he leaves you, your heart will never mend itself again.
so you start avoiding him. when he enters a room, you find an excuse to leave. during training, you always pick bucky or natasha. at night, when he comes into your shared room, you pretend to be asleep.
conversations cut short, smiles that don’t quite reach your eyes. touches that make you feel like you’ve burnt yourself.
a week passes like that. then a week and a half. it all comes to a halt one night, exactly sixteen days since she appeared.
…
you’re in bed, reading with the bedside lamp on, when you hear footsteps outside your door. you recognize him immediately, you would be able to recognize him blind or deaf just by the rhythm of his heart. a heart that used to beat for you. or maybe it never did, maybe you were always second, a consolation prize.
quickly, you close the book and turn off the lamp, getting into the covers and laying down, pretending to be asleep.
the door opens and you can smell him. you wait with your eyes closed for the small noises of his nightly routine to start, but they never do. now that you think about it, after the door closed you stopped hearing footsteps. is he just standing there?
“i know you’re awake.”
your heart stops. you debate whether to keep pretending or face the music, and eventually realize that you can’t hide forever.
you swallow and stretch your arm to turn on the lamp. then you sit up, the covers pooling at your waist.
“i was trying to sleep.” you say meekly.
he narrows his eyes. he seems… not quite upset. but not calm either.
“you were avoiding me.”
“i wasn’t-“
“like you’ve been avoiding me for the past couple of weeks.” he cuts you off. you look off to the side, unable to face him. unable to face all of it.
what are you without him?
“y/n,” he says. you clench your jaw. “sweetheart.” your eyes close tightly.
“don’t… please.” you’re not sure what you’re asking for. not sure if you’re begging him to drop the subject, to not leave you, to not call you sweetheart or to not stop loving you.
he takes a step closer.
“don’t what?”
your breaths are becoming ragged. you stand up from the bed and walk backwards, putting more distance between you two. the look of hurt on his face shatters the last unbroken remains of your heart.
“what’s going on?” he asks, and the obliviousness in his tone agitates you.
“what’s-“ a bitter laugh escapes you. “what’s going on?”
understanding crosses his features.
“it’s about peggy, isn’t it?”
“no! it’s not about her! it’s about you!” you plead with your eyes for him to drop the subject, to let it go. to let you go.
you don’t know that steve rogers would rather face a thousand painful deaths than do that.
“what about me?”
you lower lip wobbles, and your eyes fill with tears and defeat.
“i just-“ you swallow, “i thought i would make it easier.” he tilts his head for a second, confusion covering his beautiful features. when he realizes what you mean, he takes a step forward.
you try but can’t put more distance between you because the desk behind you won’t allow it.
steve keeps walking towards you, and you close your eyes, not ready to face him fully.
when he reaches you, he doesn’t attempt to touch you. that breaks you, and silent tears start streaming down your face.
“make it easier? for who? me or you?”
you cry.
“you… me- both of us. just- can you go, please?”
“go where?” he pleads, furrowing his brows.
“go back to the fifties, go back to her, just… just go.” you say, looking down in defeat.
steve lifts his chin, and looks at you with determination.
“you’re my girl.”
that stops you.
“no, i’m not-“
“yes, you’re my girl, y/n.” he repeats.
your face contorts in pain and you shake your head.
“but i’m not your best girl.” you tell him, completely broken.
steve stops. he runs a hand down his face and sighs. then he turns and starts walking away towards the closet, beginning to rummage through it. as you finally see that he’s collecting his things to leave, a heartbreaking sob escapes you. but you frown in confusion when he quickly comes back, and stands in front of you with a small velvet box in his hand.
“what-“ you croak.
“you’re right. you’re not my best girl.” your heart pulverizes on the spot. steve looks at you softly. “you’re the love of my life, sweetheart.”
the tears stop.
“what?” you say, breathless. steve smiles softly.
“when i first met you, it took me thirty seconds to know that i was going to love you. and when i kissed you for the first time, after our first official date, i knew i would love you forever. i knew i wanted to marry you, so i went and got a ring. you can ask buck, he said he’d never seen me like that, so sure.” he puts the box in your hands hesitantly and then cups your face in between his palms, smiling at you so softly, so full of love and devotion, your heart starts mending itself again. steve's eyes are shining with unshed tears as he keeps speaking. “you’re the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, my everything. i don’t want to be with anyone else and i don’t want to be anywhere else other than here, with you. with my sweetheart.”
“steve..” your shiny eyes look over his beautiful face, the face you know and love, the face you want to wake up to forever and ever. “i thought-“ you hiccup, “i just- i was so scared, i can’t- can’t lose you, stevie.”
he shakes his head.
“you can’t lose me, baby. you can’t.” a grin starts appearing on his face. “much less if you marry me. so… will you- marry me?”
you laugh through your tears.
“yes!” you exclaim. “yes, yes, yes!” you repeat and steve kisses you, laughing.
“i love you so much, sweetheart. i promise i’ll never let you forget that you’re everything to me. ”
My first Steve Rogers only fic! Also my fic for @thelovebombbang
Mood board courtesy of @indigo-jungle I really enjoyed collaborating with you!
Pairing: Steve Rogers x fem!Reader, past mention od Ransom Drysdale and reader
Warnings: none really. Mostly fluff. Some reflections of a past bad relationship with Ransom and his terrible family.
Also as always thanks to @e-dubbc11 for the beta read! Love you bunches!
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The first breakup with Ransom was the hardest. You cried, you stayed in bed not sleeping, sometimes you didn‘t have the energy to eat or shower. A few days later he showed up at your door with flowers, full of apologies and promises that things would get better.
Things did not, in fact, get better. They got worse in fact. So, the second time you ended things, it still hurt, but you were determined this was for the best. You’d get through it and come out the other side better. Then Ransom showed up, whisking you away for a private retreat, to work things out. He made promises. No more taking you for granted. No more late nights out with people who didn’t like you and didn’t care he was in a relationship.
He lied.
By the third time, you were completely done. You were exhausted and more than ready to move on. The third time was going to be the one that stuck. You blocked him on everything, and let your assistant Jake know to not forward his calls or take his messages. He's an IT wiz and the biggest sweetie, not to mention your best friend. Once you came clean about everything, including Linda accusing you of being a gold digger even though you actually have a career and money of your own, he made sure there was absolutely no way Ransom could contact you directly. Unfortunately there was no way to block him from reaching out to mutual acquaintances but you would take what you could get. Your job was entirely remote, so you traded Boston for Brooklyn and started building a new, Drysdale free life.
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You found a lovely industrial style loft apartment with a park nearby. The kitchen was perfect for cooking; the appliances new. Granite countertops were perfect for kneading bread dough and rolling out pie crusts. The windows were large, letting in lots of light and warmth. You bought new furniture, new cookware, dishes, the works. Your grandparents had set up a large trust fund for you when you were born, and they insisted you use part of it for your move and new place. Your gran even sent you one of her gorgeous handwoven rugs as a housewarming gift. All in all, you were settling in nicely.
You only had one neighbor at the moment, but you hadn’t met them yet. You weren’t sure who your neighbor was, but you were fairly certain they lived alone and kept very odd hours. You knew they were home now, because you had been up when they got home. You heard their door open and shut before you went back to bed.
When you woke up again, it was snowing. Fat flakes fell gently in a swirling white cloud. It was the perfect weather for homemade soup and fresh baked bread. You decided to make enough to share, and take some to your unknown neighbor. Add in some chocolate chip cookies for good measure. You believed sharing good food could build good friendships. It worked with Jake, and your other best friend Ericca. Even Ransom had loved your baking. Nope, not thinking of him!
You pulled together everything you needed for a pot of your chicken pot pie stew and checked on the sourdough loaf you had started the night before. It needed a bit more fridge rise time, so you got started on the cookies. Once the dough was mixed and on the baking sheets, you put them in the fridge to rest a bit before baking. You’d found that they somehow baked better that way.
As the day rolled on you kept an ear out to make sure your neighbor didn’t leave before you could take the food over. Your apartment was filled with the scents of baking bread, cooling cookies and stew. Your stomach was starting to rumble when there was a gentle knock on your door.
You opened it to reveal Steve Rogers. THE Steve Rogers. Captain America. You were speechless. Why was he at your door?
“Hi, I’m Steve. I’m actually your neighbor. I’ve been meaning to come by and introduce myself, but I kept missing you. Wow, your place smells amazing!”
You introduced yourself back, a little dazed at first. You remember your manners enough to step aside and invite him in. He looked around, taking your apartment in at a glance.
“I have to ask what you’re cooking, because it smells amazing. Is that fresh bread I smell?” he asked with a smile. Not his media smile, but a genuine, warm one.
“Fresh sourdough actually. Also chicken pot pie stew and chocolate chip cookies. In fact, I made enough to share. I was going to bring some over and introduce myself…” You felt your face heat a little as the fact of who your neighbor turned out to be settled in.
Why would Captain America accept food from a random stranger just because they lived next door? You were sure he had people clamoring for his attention in much more meaningful ways.
“You were going to share? A home cooked meal? That…that might be the nicest thing someone’s done for me in about 70 years” Steve said, eyes shining with honesty.
“That can’t be true. If you’re hungry, it’s ready.” you said softly.
“It’s definitely the truth. Not everyone is so neighborly these days.”
That made you a little sad. Kindness shouldn’t be in short supply.
You labeled the stew into bowls while Steve sliced up the bread. It felt friendly, but also strangely domestic. You offered Steve some wine with dinner, and were surprised to hear that he enjoyed the taste but couldn’t get drunk.
Ever.
“The serum makes my body metabolize it too fast. I almost never drink because of it. Wine goes great with this though. You’re an amazing cook” he told you with that same warm smile and a slight flush to his cheeks.
If you didn’t know better, you’d say he was blushing.
“I enjoy cooking. There’s something about creating a meal and having it come together just right that’s so satisfying. Baking is my science, cooking is my art,” you say
Steve chuckled at this, but before you had a chance to feel like he was laughing at you, he asked, “Is baking a science?”
You nodded at him. “Absolutely! Baking requires you to follow a recipe exactly, or it won’t turn out right. Bread won’t rise, pie crusts won’t be flaky, cookies come out hard. But if you measure everything out exactly, it turns out like it’s supposed to. Cooking requires creativity though. Extra garlic. Some wine added to a sauce on the fly. Lemon zest. It’s more intuitive, I think.”
“That makes sense to me. I declare you an artist and a scientist!” he told you with a grin.
“That earns you dessert!” you grinned back, bringing out the plate of chocolate chip cookies.
“My favorite! How’d you know?” You hadn’t, but chocolate chip is usually a safe bet.
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Things with Steve started slowly. Sharing a home cooked meal, some wine and good conversation. When he wasn’t out on a mission, you made dinner to share a few times a week. As your friendship grew, you started spending more and more time together. He was at your house so often, you gave him a key so he could let himself in. You attached it to a keychain shaped like a chocolate chip cookie, which made him laugh.
You talked about everything and anything. He told you about Peggy, and you told him about the disaster that was your relationship with Ransom, including the last straw with Linda. Privately Steve thought that Ransom had to be a spineless excuse for a man to let his mother talk to his girl that way and not stand up for her. It made his blood boil, to be honest. He decided then and there that if you ever gave him a shot he would make you feel like the most cherished woman alive.
After a few months, you learned all of his favorite foods, especially his comfort foods. He loved your homemade fried chicken and mac and cheese when he was feeling wiped out after a mission. When he needed cheering up, cookies and homemade soup were the way to go. Eventually, Steve even asked you to teach him to make some of your recipes.
The first time he made bread with you, he presented you with a whole bread making kit, including the tools to cut designs into the dough. You showed him what to do, but when the time to knead came, he kneaded it too hard and you ended up with the densest loaf you’d ever seen. He tried eating it anyway, but it was a lost cause. So, you taught him to make overnight French toast with it instead.
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Steve took you to your first baseball game and cheered louder than anyone when you managed you catch a fly ball, with his help. He saw it coming and hoisted you up by your waist so you’d be high enough to catch it. To celebrate, he bought you a Mets hat that matched his.
Before you knew it, you were spending weekends at farmers markets and art fairs together, browsing the booths and coming home with interesting finds. Pretty one of a kind pottery, a handmade quilt, fruits and vegetables that were freshly harvested. You taught him to make apple pie, and he had a surprisingly light touch with pie crusts.
Once, while waiting for a pie to cool, a loud violent thunderstorm came out of nowhere. You curled up on the couch with a blanket to watch the lightning play across the sky, breathing in the rumble of thunder, letting the sound fill you. Steve sat beside you, more enthralled with you than the storm. You sighed and relaxed against him, head nesting into the spot on his chest that felt made for your head. Before you knew it, you were both asleep. Steve’s arms wound around you like it was the most natural thing in the world. When you woke, you placed the gentlest kiss on Steve’s chest, right over his heart. You didn’t know he felt it because he was awake too. You also didn’t know that he had placed a gentle kiss to your forehead before you had woken up.
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After countless pseudo dates, months of dinners together, Steve finally asked you on a formal date. The only thing Steve would tell you is to dress in pants and boots.
He picked you up at your door, looking incredibly handsome in his jeans, t-shirt, and the brown leather jacket you loved.
You greeted him with “Hi neighbor” and a smile.
Steve always looked handsome, but today, something about him standing in your doorway to take you out had butterflies fluttering in your stomach.
“Hi back. You look gorgeous. Shall we?” he asked, holding an arm out.
You slipped your arm through his, closing your door behind you. He walked you out to his motorcycle, handing you a helmet.
“You okay riding” You nodded, hands shaking a little as you went to put the helmet on.
Steve stopped you with a hand on yours.
“Before we go, I just want to say…thank you. These last few months have been the best I can remember. I promise, I’ll never take you for granted, and I’ll always treat you right sweetheart.”
Then he leaned close and kissed you. It started soft, just a brush of his lips on yours. As he pulled back you leaned forward, pressing your lips to his. You heard a noise that could have been surprise, but then Steve’s arms were wrapping around you, pulling you flush to him. The kiss deepened, filling with all of the emotions that had been building over the last few months. You realized you had fallen for Steve, but it happened so gradually, so gently, you hadn’t realized until this moment. He pulled back and you saw the love shining in his eyes
“I got you this. Was going to give it to you later, but now feels right.” He handed you a small velvet box. Inside was a delicate gold replica of his shield on a fine gold chain.
“Steve, I love it. It’s beautiful” you said softly, voice clogged with emotion.
As he put it on you, he leaned forward and whispered “I love you.”
You spun and leapt into his arms, saying it back as you kissed him again. You could feel the future stretching out in front of you. It felt happy and safe. It felt filled with love.
Ohhhhh I loved this! The gradual evolution of their relationship. Starting with friendship laying that firm foundation 🥹 So lovely and just what Steve deserves 😭
prompt: women are meant to be loved, not to be understood
summary: steve might’ve joined the army to serve his country, but you've been teaching him how to serve a woman, and he’s a very eager student.
warnings/tags: SMUT, oral (f receiving), subby!steve, inexperienced!steve, experienced!reader, praise kink, pet name (good boy), 1940's captain america USO tour era, 18+ MDNI
from maddie: finally started to catch up on some of the january jumble scribbles i've missed (idk if I'll get them all done in time), so this should've been day 19! realised i hadn’t done subby!steve for any of the prompts yet which is a CRIME quite frankly. and he’s so pretty boy angel-faced during the uso tour that i had to set it in that era. i just KNOW those showgirls had the time of their lives showing stevie exactly what to do in the bedroom. also i wrote this during work hours in a bit of a rush lmfao so sorry for any errors xx
word count: 496 (and this was edited down. i just love subby!steve too much)
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He's nervous, but trying not to show it. You can see it in how his shoulders are stiff where he kneels between your thighs, big hands curled lightly around your hips like he’s afraid to squeeze too hard.
You tilt your head, admiring the picture he makes, his mouth pink and plush, breath warm against your skin as his eyes flick between your pussy and your face - wide-eyed, pupils blown with desire.
"Go on, Stevie, have a taste," you purr, fingers carding through his hair. "Tongue flat, just like I said. Start gentle; I want to feel every inch of your attention."
Steve leans in with a low, broken groan, lips parting as his tongue drags through your soaked folds - shy at first, but unmistakably hungry and eager to please. You tug his hair and guide him where you need him, hips rolling with needy urgency as he starts to learn your rhythm.
And he listens - really listens - sucking when you tell him to, moaning when you whimper, adjusting with every gasp to chase the sounds you make.
And when he finds your clit, when his lips seal around it and you cry out, you swear his whole body reacts. His mouth seals tighter, tongue flicking, working in a desperate, greedy rhythm like he’s never wanted anything more than your orgasm.
"Fuck, Stevie," you gasp. "Just like that - you're such a good boy for me."
Moaning at the praise, he doubles down and buries his face deeper like he’s starving for you. You don’t even have to guide him now; he’s messy with it, chin slick, nose bumping your clit with every desperate tilt of his head. The friction draws broken sounds from your throat as he devours you with a single minded need.
His cock throbs against his briefs, hips grinding the mattress like he doesn’t know he’s doing it because his focus never leaves you. Your thighs tremble, spine arching as he fucks you with his tongue, your climax winding hot and tight.
"Steve—oh fuck, Stevie, I’m—"
You come hard, cunt pulsing against his tongue while he groans and holds you through it. His eyes flick up to watch you fall apart, awestruck, lips still wrapped around your clit as you moan his name, hips bucking, body unravelling for him.
Only when you tug his hair does he ease back, breathless, mouth glistening. He rests his head against your thigh, staring up at you with something close to worship in his eyes.
"You’re so beautiful," he breathes, voice hoarse. "I don’t understand how you’re real."
You cup his flushed cheek, thumb stroking the slick at the corner of his mouth.
"Yeah?" You coo. "Then it’s a good job women are meant to be loved, not understood, Stevie."
He lets out a shaky whine, and before you can say another word, his hands drag you forward, greedy for more. Moaning into your still-sensitive cunt, he dives back in, desperate to taste your orgasm again.
thank you for all the love on these scribbles so far!! the reblogs and comments have been much appreciated and i'm having a lot of fun with the prompts! if you enjoyed, please like & reblog/comment as i would be super grateful for feedback <3
I have this theory that Neytiri (stubborn as this woman is) took the risk and bonded with sa‘ata in the early stages of her pregnancy with Neteyam, which is why sa‘ata could feel him in her tummy whenever they bonded and grew protective of not only her rider but also her son. So when Neteyam died and Neytiri instantly bonded with her, her pain and grief hit sa’atan so much harder than it would normally, which is why her ikran is an absolute BEAST when fighting the RDA/Mangkwan. Sa‘ata is the physical embodiment of Neytiris rage 🙌🏻
Imagine Ikran have a keen sense of smell, so when Neytiri came to bond with a new ikran, most of them didn’t choose her because they could smell she was pregnant. Could be they sensed her as less threatening or "too weak" to bond with so they didn’t challenge her when she approached. But Sa‘ata smelled her and she was like "oh that is MOTHER. She is a brave one so I will fight this woman and then she will be mine and together we will be UNSTOPPABLE" 😭
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synopsis: Everyone knows that yourself and Steve should never have been put on the same team; you fight like dogs and spark like live-wires. But maybe not all of that tension is hate.
warnings: enemies to lovers, smut smut smut (fingering, oral - f receiving, unprotected p in v, creampie, size kink, mild spitting, rough sex, hate sex but add yearning, slight exhibitionism & public sex & risk of getting caught - fawking in the workplace), canon-typical violence (nothing graphic), description of gunshot, a lot of fighting but they are closeted cutiepies, cursing, steve rogers is a MUNCH and that's canon (to me),
word count: 12.3k words (literally 5k is smut. i wish i was joking. i have no impulse control)
a/n: i tried to do a bit of an inverse on the whole 'steve rogers is a golden retriever' thing in this so there are way too many references to dogs lmao (see: title). i physically cannot write hate sex without yearning bc i am a lover girl. someone release me from these shackles.
Steve has a big fucking issue with you.
You can’t remember exactly when it started but you do know that you liked each other just fine before you joined his team. Back then, you’d thought his unyielding, boy-scout-adjacent sense of duty and honour was kind of cute. He’d hold doors, call you ma’am, talk about doing the right thing as if it was just easy in a job like this. As if it was always clear as day what the right thing to do was.
Now, his virtue is just exhausting.
You’re watching him spar with Sam from the corner of the training floor as dusk descends outside the window and the training room becomes a sort of cave. Dim yellow light is spilling over the room, drowning it in a blurry smog. People are clearing out for the day, but not Steve. Each of his punches are pulled, each strike carefully calculated to inflict just the right amount of force in order to win but not injure. Steve could have Sam pinned in two minutes flat and both of them know it. The frustration in Sam’s expression is tickling you - you recognise it well.
You used to taunt Steve for this kind of thing during training runs and team building events, and he’d tease you right back. That boyish smile would give way to something a bit more wicked and an unnamed heat would pool low in your stomach at his crack in composure. You had been sure he was only days away from asking you out - some very proper invitation to the pictures with an assurance that he would drop you back by a reasonable hour, most likely. But then you got a promotion and came under his leadership.
He moves through missions like he’s got some do-gooder checklist in his head, and you can feel him watching every corner you cut. He doesn’t have to say a word (though he often does); the disapproval is baked into the air between you. Whatever spark had been building between the two of you got buried somewhere between all his rules and all the ways you’d break them.
A side-mission from Fury here, a refusal to wait for backup there - and suddenly you two are enemies. Or adversaries, at the least
You remind him frequently, in the throes of fiery screaming matches that make the rest of the team avert their eyes, that this is the way SHIELD trained you. He is the one going against the grain, not you. But it doesn’t seem to matter to him because his trusty moral compass never points him wrong, it would seem.
Things have gotten so bad by now that you think Steve, patient and tolerant as he is, might have even considered requesting that you be transferred if you weren’t so damn good at your job.
And you are good. That can’t be denied.
But there’s something about working with Steve that makes you great. When you’re not at each other’s throats.
You move around each other on missions as if performing choreography that only you two have rehearsed. You’ve saved his ass more times than he has ever acknowledged or thanked you for, but he has done the same for you. You have a deep understanding of how he works, mind and body. He keeps his moves varied as a rule, but you have learned to read the minute shift in his centre of gravity before he strikes, the smallest drop in his hips that means he’s about to duck, the tightening of his frame before he lunges. Equally, you know when he’s running multiple scenarios behind his eyes, when he’s processing angles before he commits.
It makes you his best possible partner on the field and the biggest pain in his ass in training.
“You’re up,” Steve mutters to you while Sam limps to the corner of the room, grumbling something about how next time Steve needs to stop dragging this shit out before he gets a leg cramp.
You haul yourself up slowly, moving to the centre of the gym with exaggerated languor just to piss him off, rolling your shoulders as you go. His sweat is making his white t-shirt entirely transparent, the thin fabric sticking to his defined pectorals and torso. He shakes his head, spraying sweat over the mat. It should be kind of gross, really, so you’re a bit disgusted by how hot it is. You see his jaw tick with impatience, and you begin to stretch your calves, too.
“You couldn’t have done this while you were waiting?”
“And risk seizing up again while you played with your food?”
“Just because I don’t use full force, it doesn’t mean I’m ‘playing with my food’,” he says, frowning at you in that disappointed-teacher way of his “Every time you all fight a super soldier, it makes you better. I use more force every time.”
You say nothing, only because you’re cautious about baiting him too much ahead of the ass-whooping you’re about to get. You roll your shoulders one more time, looking up at him.
“Let’s go.”
Steve lunges, coming at you hard and fast. A blur of muscle flies past your eye-line, fist cutting into the air where your jaw had been just half a second before. The force of it sends a gust that moves wisps of your hair and the speed of your dodge sends your boots skidding across the mat. You raise an astounded eyebrow at him and he shrugs with a tight smile.
On days like this, when his restraint is frayed and he is too irritated to be sanctimonious, you are reminded that he can be a little bit fun.
When you slide by his guard again, your eyes catch his for a fraction of a second before he lands a surprise hit to your abdomen that pummels the wind right out of your pipes. You groan but stop yourself from bowling over right into his knee that comes shooting up for you. You see him bear left and you glide away in the opposite direction.
“Testy today,” you say, but you can’t hit the patronising tone you are aiming for. Your voice comes out scratchy from the knock you took. He says nothing but leaps at you again.
You lean back and dodge the hit but go sprawling to the floor. Before he can pin you, you sweep a foot under his. It’s not enough to knock him in itself but he blunders for a bit and with one more kick, you send him to his ass. You get a foot in his side and hear Sam hoot in delight as he clears out of the training room with the remaining agents.
Steve’s on his feet in a flash, but by then, so are you. There’s a glimmer of something on his face, like surprise or maybe excitement. You try not to get too arrogant.
And it’s a good thing you don’t. Because after five minutes of hits and dodges, he has you on the ropes again. You’re giving it as good as you’re getting but you don’t have his stamina or pain tolerance. You can feel your equilibrium slipping, movements getting sloppy. You’re over-balancing, tumbling instead of landing.
There’s something about the current between the two of you today that makes you want to win in a way you never do with Steve. You had never even really seen it as a competition before, safe in the conclusion that he and all his serum-amplified testosterone will have you beat eventually. It was always a matter of if, rather than when.
But Steve is coming at you properly today, not pulling his punches (as much), not giving you the space to recover before he’s on you again like a hound on fresh blood and it’s making a sort of swooping adrenaline sing in your blood.
You don’t think too much about it, sweeping behind his back and hooking a leg over his. The serum means you don’t have enough strength to bring him down, but the confusion makes him stumble. With two hands on his shoulders, you climb his broad frame, boots digging into flesh, hands ploughing through his hair. He reaches a hand back to peel you off with bruising strength, but you have an iron clasp. His fingers dig into your t-shirt with almost enough force to pull it clean off.
You eventually reach the peak of him with immense difficulty. You are able to lock your thighs around his broad neck and curl your knee around his throat, squeezing hard. It’s not enough. His hands are pulling at your legs, but he’s not tapping out. You can only hold this grip for a matter of seconds, before your muscles loosen, and Steve will have your tired body pinned.
Impulsively, you dive backwards, head swooping down towards the floor. The force of it sends Steve flying back with you and you vaguely feel three taps - a victory - against your thigh before you both hit the floor.
You crash hard on your back. Your head takes a small bump to the mat and black dots dance behind your eyes for just a second, but your ass and shoulder blades take the brunt of it. It’s far from the worst injury you’ve received in training, but it’s been a while since you’ve received more than a hit. You take a few deep breaths to centre yourself, groaning once air returns to your body. Only then do you realise that Steve’s head is planted firmly on your lower stomach, neck still pressed up between your thighs. You scramble away with what you hope is a collected suavity, all bones and muscles shrieking in opposition to the sudden movement.
When Steve spins around, you know you’re in for it.
“What the hell was that?” he spits, picking himself up from the floor. His eyes are blazing, hands on his hips while he looks down at you where you are sprawled out on the mat. You close your eyes and let out a long, deliberate sigh - precisely the response you know will drive him crazy.
“That was me winning, Steve,” you say, ignoring your groaning limbs to pull yourself up. He does not offer you a hand up.
“No,” he said, voice strained and thick with irritation. “That was you trying to get yourself killed. Are you insane? You could have a concussion.”
“I know a concussion from a small bump,” you say, brushing him off with a limp hand. You move over to get your water, trying not to stagger. “Don’t be dramatic.”
“This is your problem, you know that? You always think you know best and everyone else is just dramatic or not seeing your vision, or whatever it is. You’re a good agent, but that’s not enough. You’re going to get yourself killed some day and it won’t be some great, heroic gesture like you probably think. It will be something stupid like this.”
His speech might have made a mark on you if it had been the first time you had heard it. As it stands, you just roll your eyes and take a sip from your bottle to look busy. The water mixes with blood from where you had bitten the inside of your cheek. It tastes bitter and metallic going down.
“God, you’re-”
You glance warily at Steve, wondering whether he is about to curse at you for the first time since that mission in Moscow. He swallows it. “You don’t listen.”
You shrug with a smile, watching his face go from a blushing red to a deep crimson. His eyes narrow and he spins around, broad back tensing as he storms out of the gym.
“Steve?”
He stops, twisting ever-so-slightly.
“You not gonna congratulate me on my first ever win?”
You think he might have given you the finger if he was anyone but himself.
You do end up grumbling your way over to the med bay eventually, but only because Steve threatens to suspend you from any further missions. You turn out to not have a concussion so you feel perfectly justified in scowling at him days later from across the quinjet the whole way to the shipyard two states away.
The air is warm despite the February frost splotched on the grass below. The hour is getting late; the setting sun turns the lakes and rivers a deep orangey red.
You hadn’t expected Steve to bow down or apologise, but you did expect him to ignore you. Instead, he’s watching you with a detached curiosity, like you’re some rare lab specimen or an interesting insect.
“I know you’re not seriously mad at me for sending you to the med bay,” he says. “Because that would be insane.”
“They did a whole medical evaluation, Steve,” you snap at him. “I was in there well over an hour. All for fuckin’ nothing because I’m healthy as a horse, apparently.”
“Well you missed your last mandatory check-up. So you’re welcome,” he says, his lips stretching into a handsome little smirk.
You frown. You are usually the one provoking him and you’re not overly fond of how it feels to be on the receiving end. You can feel Steve’s eyes on you, heady and pleased. He’s leaning back with his arms crossed, lofty thighs spread open with an abnormal arrogance. One that would not be on display if the rest of the team were with you.
You can fully appreciate his size from this angle, the fabric of his t-shirt straining against his biceps, his wide shoulders holding strong like an impenetrable wall of muscle and brawn. He looks particularly good when he smiles - even if it’s at your expense. He could have passed for a Gladiator, or some Greek god in another universe - the kind whose likeness would be captured in marble for future generations to marvel at and admire. It wracks you how unfair it is that he can be so irritating but still look like that.
Have you thought about him bending you over? Sure. Many a time. But you still can’t stand the guy.
“You still seeing that guy in R&D? Uh- Mark, or whatever.”
You give him a side-glance. Steve doesn’t forget anyone’s name. He is the kind of guy to be introduced to a hundred-man team and be asking Lucy for a debrief and thanking Jim for the coffee the very next day. You think he might be on a first-name basis with everyone he’s ever met. So you know that he knows his name his Mike.
“No,” you mumble. “We broke up last month.”
“Why?”
“None of your business, Rogers,” you say. You’re trying to appear unbothered, but you’re a little rattled. Your teeth are grinding. “What about you? Any dates recently?”
“A couple.”
“And how were they?”
“Good.”
You scoff. “You talk this much with them? Your chattiness might scare them off.”
“The ladies I take on dates might not have the same preferences as you, you know,” he says with a raised eyebrow. Your lips twitch at that term - ‘ladies’. How old-school.
“No, I’m sure they love one-word answers and taciturn grumbles.”
“I’ve had no complaints.”
Your mouth opens and closes stupidly. The shells of your ears prickle with heat as Steve just grins wider, shifting his hips to lean further back. He looks so goddamn cocky, so punchable. You wish you could take a picture and show him to all those trainees you had heard refer to him as a ‘golden retriever’. He seems more like a Mastiff to you; huge, stubborn, impossible to deal with.
You purse your lips together, eyes dropping to his army dog tags. The chain droops down his tanned, fabric-clad chest, the tags sitting neatly in the deep groove between his pectoral muscles.
“Why did you and Mike break up?”
Your cheek twitches up. “So you do know his name.”
“Tell me.”
You turn your gaze away from him to watch the sun set out the window, even if it makes your retinae burn. “My fault, mostly. I don’t really, uh- know how to do it.”
“What? Relationships?”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m not used to having to let someone know when I’ll be home or making sure I have time for them between back-to-back missions. I blame my career choice.”
“Maybe you just didn’t care enough.”
Your eyes snap back over to him, eyebrows shooting straight to your hairline. “What?”
“I’m just saying. It’s not your career choice. Lots of people in this line of work have relationships that they prioritise.”
“What, you’re suddenly Dr Phil or something? It’s not like you know the ins and outs so don’t-”
“Dr Phil?” A cute little line forms between his brows.
“He was this-” You pause, heaving a frustrated breath out your nose. “You know what? Never mind.”
“My point is,” Steve continues. “I think you would want to do all those things for someone you cared enough about, even when it’s difficult. It wouldn’t be some tick-the-box.”
All traces of arrogance are gone from Steve’s expression, only genuine interest remaining as he scans your face like he’s trying to solve some puzzle. It makes you uncomfortable - you would prefer for him to laugh at you or lecture you.
“I could be dating Brad Pitt and I still would not care enough to answer a text about what’s for dinner when I’m busy.”
He frowns. “Who is Brad Pitt?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
The walk to the shipyard is quiet. Silent, if not for the steady scratch of Steve’s boots grinding against the gravel. The hum of the quinjet dulls the farther you walk.
You may not particularly like Steve, but you appreciate him at times like these. You couldn't be more perfect mission partners for each other if you tried. The way you fall into your posts quickly and seamlessly, giving each other the space and silence to focus on preparing for the mission while also trusting that you will speak up if the situation calls for it.
Your methods and routines are practically identical. It’s almost a shame that the moment things break open, that quiet alignment shatters.
Steve holds a fist up, signalling you to stop. You do, falling in behind him. You’re not sure what he’s hearing, but you trust him implicitly when he makes the motion for you to duck behind a flatbed truck. You press yourself against the cool metal and Steve plunges in after you, his warm chest and stomach caging you. Hardly a second later, you hear what he had - a door clanging open, boisterous voices spilling out, all speaking over each other in Russian.
Steve meets your eyes, gives you a silent signal and you nod, moving out from behind the truck as silently as a deer and blending into the night. You weave through the shipping containers with practiced alacrity. You don’t need to look to know Steve is right behind you; you can feel him.
You split angles without having to speak. Steve covers the high runways while you sweep the lower lanes between cargo. The night has cooled and the wind is vicious now, needling the hulls of the half-empty freighters and blowing the hook block of the crane overhead until it swings like an unsteady pendulum over the flooded pier. Steve is keeping close. His hot breath feels sharp on your neck against the biting wind.
You get within five hundred feet of the main electrical substation before you’re spotted. A pair of guards open fire from the building behind you, spraying an uncoordinated bouquet of bullets in your direction. You find cover effortlessly and huff with humour at the sloppy execution. They had just revealed that they are aware of your presence without allowing you to get close enough for a good shot.
“Idiots,” Steve mutters, as if he’s genuinely disappointed. You smile up at him, almost expecting him to say something about how he expected better from them.
You easily dodge their fire as you advance leisurely and safely, winding in and out from behind shipping containers. You decide that you’re not in the mood to go at it with Steve today, so you take his lead even if it’s significantly slower than how you would choose to do this yourself. You don’t worry about the shots that get too close - whatever you can’t dodge, Steve fends off with his shield.
You are out of the gunmen’s range when you make it to the ladder that leads up to the platform you need to get to, but you have no doubt they are headed your way. You go first, taking your gun from its holster, aiming it upwards, and heaving yourself onto the ladder. The iron bars are slick with seawater and heavy fuel oil; you have to grip tight so you don’t slip.
You’re making careful progress up the ladder with Steve behind you, eyes pointed upwards for any sign of unwanted company. The metal feels slithery beneath your fingers and it takes you an extra few seconds to climb each step. It’s shuddering under each step and you wonder vacantly whether Steve’s weight will make it collapse.
You don’t have much time to prepare for the gunman that approaches above you. Your fingers are still clumsily fidgeting, trying to aim your gun while also grasping the slippy bar of metal. You get your shots off at the same time; yours hits, his does not.
What it does do, though, is make you dodge. Your body bears left, foot skidding on a rung of the ladder and suddenly you’re slipping downward, stomach swooping as your body collides with Steve’s.
He scarcely reacts, catching you with one arm, using little to no exertion. His fingers clamp around your waist, steadying you. For a fraction of a second you both freeze - your breath catching, his jaw tensing, bodies flush together, faces inches apart. Every hard plane of his body is pressed up against you. There is a throbbing warmth low in your stomach.
“You good?” he asks, breathy and deep.
“Move,” you say, voice tight, shaking out of his grasp and climbing up once more. He sighs and mutters something under his breath but you can’t make it out. Your heart is galloping, your pulse thundering in your ears.
You barrel over the platform, and go running towards the tower just as another guard reaches the door, attempting to get to the breaker panel before you have the chance to disable it. He locks the door behind him but Steve kicks it in with a crash. You slide low, sweeping the guard’s legs. Steve disarms him before he can even hit the floor.
There’s no need for discussion as you both fall into your respective roles. The room is oppressively grey and layered with multiple wires, but you find your way to the breaker panel. You work on planting the shutdown device on the primary switchgear while Steve holds off reinforcements, laying enough suppressive fire to keep three guards pinned behind a forklift.
You’re more aware of his presence than usual while you work. He sits like some nagging instinct in your head, telling you to look. You know if you do, all you will see is his back, a heavy fortification of muscle and hard lines and sweat. You don’t need that kind of distraction. Your nerves are already fried from the uncomfortable consciousness of how his body felt pressed tight against yours.
You step back, watching the disruptor activate and the power shut down around you with a whining drone. The grey space becomes black and for just a split-second, yourself and Steve stand alone in the dark, no sounds pervading the room except your laboured breaths. The street lamps outside have extinguished - the bullets outside pause while the gunmen assess their situation.
Steve moves, shattering the stillness. He grips your wrist and pads quietly out the door, taking full advantage of the blackness to make a discreet getaway. You grab your wrist violently out of his grip but you follow him silently. You can’t see anything very well, but you think he might roll his eyes.
The shipyard is drowned in darkness, the only light the thin silver sheen of rain on metal. You move with Steve between the towering containers, keeping low. Every small sound seems deafening now - the clink of a loose cable swaying in the wind, even your own breaths.
A pair of guards drift close, their flashlights slicing through the blackout. You flatten against the cold steel wall, willing yourself still as the beams skim past, bright enough to catch the rivets beside your cheek. When the voices fade, Steve breaks across an open stretch at a quick, silent sprint. You follow.
You’re not sure why you do it. It’s usually Steve’s job to scan the high ground. His serum-enhanced eyesight can catch movement long before you can. But Steve is preoccupied with sweeping for guards on ground level, so you do it instead out of pure intuition. And you see it: a sharp, unmoving glint on the crane platform above.
Your pulse spikes.
There’s a shooter.
You had caught sight of him too late to find cover. You are out in the open. You can’t see the shooter well, but you know who their target will be and it’s not you. Steve is too far ahead to be able to warn him in any sufficient way.
In a moment of complete and utter instinct, and maybe more than a little stupidity, you raise your gun and shoot. You miss.
The shooter turns their attention to you now. You fire another, miss again.
The hit slams into your shoulder so hard, it immediately steals your breath. You stagger forward, fingers going numb. The gun drops from your clasp.
You try to breathe, but the pain is sharp and choking. Your vision wavers from blood loss and the sheer, overwhelming burn tearing through you. Steve’s gun cracks somewhere to your left but the sound bends around the pain, distant and warped. You can’t lift your arm. You can’t even unclench your jaw.
You wait to feel the blood clot around your wound but it’s slow and reluctant. You hold on for one more second, and then blackness swallows you.
The only thing that you’re aware of when you open your eyes is the pain. Not the cold, harsh light of the hospital. Not your family and team members that sit around you, looking morosely at the floor and bouncing their legs. Not even that Steve is absent.
For some length of time that feels very long, you exist in that state; slinking in and out of consciousness. But the pain never disappears, not even the bouts of darkness. In those moments of oblivion, the pain goes behind a cloud, but it always returns with a violence. You get to know this in a vague sort of way, feeling dumbly grateful when the pain is at bay but never being so naive as to think yourself free of it.
Although you will later find out it is only two days, it feels like a small eternity before you can clear the film that feels like scum from your throat and croak anything out. You must not be of fully sound mind yet or maybe the painkillers are making you loopy, because the first thing you say to the room, crammed with familiar faces, is; “Steve?”
You’re assured by someone - Maria? Natasha? - that he got you out. That he’s ok.
And then that grey cloud descends once again. The pain and the haze return.
It’s not that you care that Steve doesn’t come to visit.
It turns out that your wound is just a through-and-through shot to the top of your shoulder. One centimetre in any direction and the bullet might have lodged itself firmly into your neck or paralysed your arm for good. The area is packed densely with muscles and nerves so you are wreaked with pain, but as it stands, it did no permanent damage.
So, really, there is no need for him to visit. And you definitely don’t care. You just think it’s bad leadership is all. You would have showed up for him if the roles were reversed, no matter how much of a pest he is. Would have sent a card. Even a text, at the very fucking least.
You leave the hospital after the dullest week of your life. You hadn’t, until that point, realised how tangled your life purpose is with your career. You feel rabid after just a day or two of consciousness, restricted to your bed with no files to review, no cases to crack open. Just you, a few beat-up novels you had been meaning to get around to reading, and whoever decides to drop by to see how you were doing.
Maria lets you know that you are required to take another two weeks of leave before returning to work. Standard policy. Your requests to be forwarded files related to your ongoing cases are rejected. You can’t even enter the building to go to the gym.
In the absence of anything better to do, you watch films back-to-back. Try some recipes you had earmarked. Visit the new museum that had opened in the next block over. Wait to hear from family, friends and colleagues. But not Steve. You’re definitely not waiting to hear from Steve.
You’re not usually great for following orders but you follow the doctor’s instructions closer than you have abided by anything in your entire life. By the time you return to HQ, the pain in your shoulder has flattened to a dull ache and you have formed a resolution to try to find some sort of hobby outside of work. You had no idea your real life is that grim.
Maria meets you with a distant smile at reception.
“Welcome back,” she says pleasantly, turning to walk with you through the building. Quiet conversation, the rustling of paper and the heavy clicks of agents suiting up covers the space you walk through. “We’ll do a mini induction and then I’ll let you get to it.”
Maria’s office is pristine. The door clicks shut behind you, muting all murmured voices outside. Everything looks recently straightened, recently dusted, recently organised. Sticky notes, task lists and cables are perfectly spaced out into their correct positions. The files stacked on the shelves are bound and appear to be in alphabetical order. You picture your home office space with a dim sort of shame as you sit down in front of her.
“How is your shoulder?” she asks without much interest.
“Much better, thank you. Should be able to get back out there now.”
She opens a cabinet in her desk and pulls a bloated yellow file. “That won’t be possible. We have made the decision to transfer you to another team. You’ll need a few weeks to catch up on the ongoing cases.”
“Another- what?”
Your brain is whirring, trying to catch up with what Maria just said. She doesn’t reply, just watches you buffer.
“You’re really taking me off the team on my first day back? Am I being punished for getting shot?”
“Not punished, no,” she assures you patiently. “You’re not being demoted, your day-to-day won’t even change very much but you’ll be working under Romanoff now. It was just decided that you would be a better fit somewhere else.”
“Decided by who?” you ask, even though you know the answer.
“By the leadership team,” she replies diplomatically.
Your gaze narrows on her but she is unperturbed. The sound of the seconds ticking by on the clock are suddenly deafening. You’re engaging in a sort of silent stand-off with her and you’re certainly not winning.
“Where is he?” you ask at last.
“On assignment.”
“When will he be back?”
She smiles at you tightly and you realise she can no longer tell you. You’re not on his team anymore.
A wild instinct runs through you; you feel you might be a few seconds away from stomping your feet like a child, shouting at her that it’s not fair! and he started it!
Instead, you huff out a harsh breath and snatch the file up from the desk.
The hour is late and night is spilling through the windows. Yourself and Nat are the only ones left in the room; maybe the only ones left in the building. She lounges against the opposite row of lockers, boot propped up, grinning like you hadn’t just run a mission that by all rights should’ve ended in a four-page incident report and at least one formal reprimand.
“We are a match made in heaven,” she says with a dreamy sigh.
You snort. “Tell that to the clean-up team.”
“Let them file a complaint,” Nat says, waving a dismissive hand. “Clean exit, no casualties, minimal property damage. Made decent time too.”
“Mm.”
It had gone well. Better than well. Nat works like you do - zippy, instinctive, a little unhinged when the situation calls for it. There had been no questioning glances when you made a split-second decision, no screaming matches in lieu of a debrief. Your third mission back was a big fat success. You should be overjoyed.
But as you wipe the shower-water from your skin and peel your top on, all you can summon is a hot, directionless anger. Or, maybe not entirely directionless.
Because for the most part, you can direct it towards Steve. Your shoulder has mostly recovered with only a mild stiffness left to show for it but you’re still suffering from a wounded pride. The fact that he didn't bother to check up on you and requested a transfer after you quite literally risked your life for him is bad enough. But he’s been a ghost to you in the three weeks since you returned to work.
That first week, he had been on assignment in Hungary. You had gone on a hunt for him as soon as word got around that he was back, but he was nowhere to be found. All his usual conference rooms were vacant and he had clearly started training elsewhere. You have not been able to track him down in the weeks since and you have no doubt in your mind that his sole intention is to avoid you.
Because he feels guilty for what had happened? Or maybe because he doesn’t want to have to thank you? You’re not sure. But you’re pissed.
And not just at him either. At yourself too.
Because, alongside that anger, there’s an uncomfortable hollowness tugging at you. You bring it with you everywhere you go. It weighs you down like a chain. He won’t vacate your brain no matter what you do and you can’t quite deny that maybe you might miss him. Just a little.
The anger is not the worst of it; it’s that other thing - the tiny, shameful spark fluttering under your ribs when Natasha lets you rove free instead of testing you, challenging you, making you better. It’s the way your life feels just a bit emptier without someone to tease and provoke.
And it’s humiliating, because - seriously? How original. You really had to go and join the queue of people pining after the tall, hot, golden-boy with perfect manners and stupidly earnest eyes and muscles so perfect that only scientists could have sculpted them. Brilliant. Groundbreaking. As if you don’t already hate him enough without adding that to the mix.
“I was gonna drag you for a drink but the energy you’re giving off right now is rancid,” Nat says, walking towards you with her towel in hand. She snaps it at you but you jump out of the way before she can make contact. “You’re so pissy all the time since you got transferred.”
“I’m not pissy,” you snap, obscurely aware that you’re proving her point.
“Why do you even care? You and Rogers fight like dogs. You never wanted to be part of his team in the first place.”
You’re purposely avoiding her gaze, but you know the exact look that Nat is giving you based on her tone alone and you hate it with a burning passion.
“I don’t care. It’s just not fair, but it’s whatever.”
She sighs, picking up her duffle bag and flinging it over her shoulder. “I’m gonna leave you to whatever this is,” she says, waving her hand vaguely in your direction. “Get eight hours tonight and try to come back less cranky.”
She walks out, hips swinging, and you wait another moment or two before following suit.
HQ feels different at this time of night. The overhead lights seem a shade too bright without bodies moving through them and your footsteps sound sharper against the floor. The whir of a printer on standby and the buzz of a monitor stand out more. Clean, white light is shining on empty desks.
There is a weight on you as your make your way through the carpeted corridors, passing empty offices and meeting rooms. Nat is right - you are pissy. You’re so goddamn angry and mortifyingly upset, crucifying yourself with mental images and memories you would do anything to be rid of. You had always been mildly curious about those feelings that you observed in movies, the ones all your friends used to rave about when they met someone they fell head over heels for. You have dated, have even been in a few serious relationships. But you always knew there was a big gap between what you had witnessed and what you had experienced.
You wish someone had told you how stupidly painful and embarrassing it could be. You would have tried harder to steer clear of it.
You almost think that you’re imagining the picture of Steve in the meeting room to your right, framed by the semi-frosted window in the door. For just a split-second, you think it might be another one of those humiliating daydreams. But no - he’s burning the midnight oil; his neck is craned over a file, a small lamp pouring light over his handsome features.
You’re not one to question your instincts. You hurl the door open with an aggression that has Steve’s head snapping up in shock, pen falling from his hand, mouth parting. You listen to the door tumble closed before you realise dimly that you have no idea what to say to him. You’re floundering a little, but you keep your expression steady.
He breaks the silence first.
“You’re here late.”
“Just wrapped an assignment with Nat,” you say, hand on hip. “Turns out we make a pretty solid team. It’s refreshing.”
His jaw ticks, but he gives nothing else away. He looks back to his papers, as if dismissing you. “Glad to hear it.”
That’s it? That’s really all he’s giving you?
You can feel fiery heat crawling up your neck and you try to stop the furious shake in your hands. Composure is becoming more difficult to maintain and you know that you’re about a second away from bursting but his gall is astounding. He really has nothing else to say? After everything?
“You got me kicked off the team.”
“You didn’t get kicked off anything,” he sighs, leaning back in his seat. His eyes are travelling your form warily, like he isn’t quite sure where you’re going with this. “You got transferred.”
“Yeah, transferred out of the team.”
“I thought you would be happy,” he says wryly. “You were always complaining about having to work with me. I think you even said you’d rather work with Natasha a few times.”
“I am happy!” It comes out as a bark. You’re embarrassed by your petulance even though you can’t cork it. You know that you’re acting like a child. Steve’s lips are creaking upwards, his eyes lit up in amusement.
You clear your throat. “I am happy,” you repeat, in a low, controlled voice this time around. “It just feels a bit ungrateful is all.”
The way Steve’s poise breaks, superior grin twisting itself into a snarl, is hugely satisfying. You are self-aware enough to know that you’re being hugely immature, but it just feels so good to drag him down to your level.
“You think I should be grateful that you almost got yourself killed on a mission?” he snaps, standing up from the meeting room table and walking towards you. You meet him half-way, until you are inches from each other. Your neck stiffens with how it bends up to meet his enraged eyes. Your body is humming with this familiar rhythm, as if fighting with Steve is the only thing that makes you feel alive.
“Well, I got shot saving you, so yes - I would say that’s a pretty good reason to be grateful,” you snap back, eyes narrow.
“Don’t be dense.” His voice is tight and poisonous in a way you have rarely ever heard before. “That was a really fuckin’ stupid decision and you know it. You took a bullet for the super-soldier with accelerated regenerative healing and a vibranium shield. Does that sound like a good decision to you?”
He sounds more furious than you have ever heard him in your life - and you have made him mad more times than you can count. He had cursed at you. He hasn’t done that since Moscow.
“I knew what I was doing,” you spit back with equal fury. “That shooter had all the time in the world to get into position; they would have been aiming for your head and they would have hit their mark, too because you weren’t paying enough attention to raise your shield. I knew that pulling them over in my direction meant that they would shoot me but they would have less time to aim. Just because you think I’m stupid doesn’t mean I am, you jerk.”
He is struck dumb momentarily, brows furrowing and lips pursing in thought. You are close enough to see the twitch of his mouth, to feel his disgruntled puffs of breath against your skin. Contentment slithers up your spine. Seconds tick by in silence; Steve pensive and stoic, you smug and satisfied. You have won this round and decide to go out with a bang.
“But I guess I should be thanking you because I have a new team lead now who trusts my judgement and doesn’t pick a fight every five minutes. So thank you. And go to hell.”
You turn on your heel, already halfway into your stride, and his hand shoots out so fast it must be instinct - large, calloused fingers closing around your arm before you’re even finished the pivot.
There is a second where he just glares hard. His blue eyes eat up every inch of your face.
And then your body meets his chest and his lips are instantly on yours in a heady explosion of fire - it’s a violent, fervid thing and you surprise yourself with how quickly you return his passion. You had imagined this moment in the last few weeks - in all your dirtiest daydreams, you made him sweat it out a bit, even beg. But maybe you can make him beg later - you had missed him too much to turn him away now.
Your lips move like it’s another one of your fights, faces pressed against each other in a messy battle of lips, tongues and teeth. His hands travel to your hips and pull you flush against him while you fist his crisp blue shirt, folding wrinkles into the perfectly ironed fabric.
Your feet leave the ground as he lifts you with irritating strength, pushing you onto the meeting room table and settling himself between your legs. His sheer power - the way he can lift you like you’re absolutely nothing - makes heat pool in your tummy, something stirring low. You’re pushing your lips against his fiercely, channeling all the pent up anger from the past number of weeks.
He isn’t gentle. He’s rabid as a stray dog. His fingers grasp harshly onto your hips with bruising strength. Despite the fact that you’re already pressed up against him, he tugs you tighter to his body, like close is not close enough. You can feel the large swell of his cock against your thigh, hard as a rock, and you have to stop yourself from adjusting your position and grinding down on him. You’re eager enough to do it, but he can't know that.
Your hands travel around his chest and shoulders, fingers delving into every curve of muscle there. He feels so big and broad against your touch and it turns you on so much that it almost pisses you off.
“You’re such a dick,” you gasp, the sound muffled against his lips.
“I know,” he says back between kissing, his mouth not moving from yours.
“Didn’t even visit me in the hospital.”
“I know.”
“I hate you,” you say, aiming for a sharp tone. It comes out breathy. He’s still kissing at your mouth, lips moving wildly - out of sync and jumbled.
“Shut up,” he grunts, hand going to your lower back and pushing your pelvis forward so you grind against him. An embarrassing whine rips itself from your throat as pleasure sparks through you, lighting up your body. You grind down again, addicted to the feeling, and Steve groans against your lips, hips jerking up.
It prompts something filthy; the two of you still fully clothed, bucking and grinding against each other like feral animals. There is a delicious throbbing in your core, your entire body crying out for more of him. His left hand is still on your hip, encouraging your body to continue grounding down against his hard cock through layers of cotton, but his right hand moves up to grab your jaw with a possessive force. You are giving it back to him too, hands clutching and grasping at him with a brutality.
He pulls away to lift your top over your head, eyes levelled at you with a burning intensity. His pretty blues are darker now, less earnest.
“Steve, we’re in the office,” you object, fingers reaching out to grab it back. He tosses it to the floor before you can.
“Don’t care,” he says, reattaching his lips to yours, fingers crawling to the waistband of your trousers. “Gonna fuck you right here.”
Your stomach clenches. It’s a strange role reversal. You’re not accustomed to being the one who stops and thinks about things before acting - that’s always Steve’s remit. You should be concerned that his perfectly constructed control has been tossed out the window, but it only makes you more excited. You know that there is something dangerous deep underneath each layer of restraint that Steve exercises. You have always known you’re better at digging it out than anyone else in this world. When you do, it’s a beautiful thing.
How can you do anything but give in?
Steve’s fingers play with the button of your jeans, popping it open with an effortless tug before he slides them down your legs along with your shoes. You’re left in just your underwear, splayed open before a fully-clothed Steve Rogers like you’re some sort of offering. He watches you with dark eyes, something between worship and hunger enveloping his features.
His eyes zero in on your bra-clad breasts. “Take it off,” he says, voice strained, and you reach up with urgency to unclip it, tossing it carelessly somewhere across the table.
“Suddenly so good at taking orders.” His hand reaches up to palm your breast, the other playing with the waistband of your panties. Your body arches to his touch involuntarily. “Should have done this months ago. Might have made you behave.”
He can probably tell you’re about to say something snarky, because his lips meet yours ferociously yet again and what would have been a rude retort turns into a moan when his thumb presses down on you over your panties.
Steve pulls away, eyes catching yours with surprise before dropping down to your core, covered in a thin layer of now-transparent fabric. “You’re soaked through,” he breathes, awe colouring his tone. “See how wet you are for me?”
Hot humiliation floods your face. “Fuck you.”
He gives you a slow smirk, eyes glinting. His tongue pokes out to wet his lips, leaving them glossy and shiny, and you realise he enjoys this as much as you do. His head dips down, lips just brushing over your neck, breath caressing your skin, before he’s lathering kisses there. He hooks his fingers over your underwear and yanks it down aggressively. You watch it cascade down your legs pathetically, chest heaving with the pressure of his lips under your ear and his fingers sliding down your stomach torturously slow.
His fingers just graze over your wet heat and your blood is singing in your veins. You feel overpowered by him in the most mouth-watering way; his large frame trapping you, caging you in. He presses two fingers in, harsh and sudden, and you gasp.
“You get so turned on fighting with me, don’t you sweetheart? I knew it. Knew you were getting all wet every time I raised my voice at you. You pretend you don’t like me but you love when I boss you around.”
You want to slap him, but he’s right. And you consider that if you do, he will stop. His fingers are so big and calloused inside you and it simply feels too good to ever stop. You’re breaking into a sweat while he pumps in and out of you, your slick spilling onto his perfectly tailored work slacks while your walls clench around him.
When his other hand reaches down to grind down on your clit with vigorous strokes, a burst of white-hot pleasure works its way through you, licking up your spine. You pull hard at his hair, looking for anything to anchor yourself and hear him hiss a moan against your neck. The sound makes you clench around him and his fingers pump into you with renewed roughness in response.
You’re absolutely ruined. He has turned you into a complete wreck. You can no longer deny how badly you want him nor how much you need this; you don’t even try anymore. Your hips are wiggling down, trying to take him deeper. You have lost all semblance of shame, too taken up by the pleasure that his fingers are delivering you.
“Look how desperate you are,” he says, eyes caught where he is filling you. You don’t want to look down, shame working its cruel way through you at his taunting, but he grasps your jaw, tilting your head downwards. His fingers are warm and wet with your slick.
His two fingers are enough to stretch you out - they almost look too big for your hole. You shudder at the sight of them sliding in and out, knowing his cock will stretch you out all the more. Steve’s staring at your pussy like a man who is starving.
His fingers pull out from your heat quite suddenly. You’re hazy and confused until he lowers to his knees on the ground in front of where you are perched on the table. Your eyes connect in a moment of explosive intensity. His pupils are blown wide and when yours begin to flutter shut, he pinches your thigh gently in warning. You are forced to stare while he lowers his face between your thighs, eyes gleaming.
“Gotta taste you,” he says, almost to himself, and then that stupid fucking mouth that pisses you off so much every single day meets your cunt.
The sound that comes out of your mouth is unintentional and would be entirely mortifying if you were thinking straight. Your head falls back, eyes shutting. He pinches your thigh again, harder this time.
“Eyes on me, sweetheart.”
You eyes spring back open, twitching as you fight the instinct to squeeze them shut. He holds your gaze captive while licking a messy stripe up your folds. You can feel sweat collecting at the top of your forehead at the sensation. He is ravenous and unrelenting, sucking on your clit before soothing it with soft kisses. Exploring your folds with his lips. Dipping his tongue inside and gently nipping, testing your limits.
He’s eating you out in a way you never have been before; it’s not some repetitive flick of the tongue against the clit, picked up from porn and designed to make you cum as fast as possible so he can get the hell up and get his own rocks off. Steve is learning you, watching your expression closely to see what makes your breath catch. You feel him grin against your pussy as a moan slips out reluctantly when he drags his teeth over the hood of your clit, offsetting the pleasure with the tiniest bit of pain. He groans when you lose control and your eyes roll back in your skull.
He pulls back just a few inches and you watch him spit a thick glob of saliva straight onto your cunt. He’s still holding intense eyee-contact with you when he runs his fingers through your slit, mixing your wetness with his own. It’s sliding down through your ass and onto the table, reminding you exactly where you are. The fact that you are doing this in a meeting room in your place of work makes it seem even dirtier.
He shoves two fingers back into you without warning and your hips buck. He continues to mouth at your clit in the most beautiful patterns and you truly feel like he is doing this purely for himself, like he’s enjoying it as much as you are.
He sucks hard, sliding your clit into his mouth and you’re not in control of the words or sounds that spill out of you. You’re telling him how amazing you feel and how fucking good he’s eating you, but you realise you might have fucked up because you can just feel his arrogance. It’s pissing you off. You need to remedy it quick.
“Maybe I should keep you down here like this all the time, Steve. What do you think? Can’t bitch at me when your mouth is busy. And you’re just so good at it too.”
You can feel the smug smile melt into something more sinister. His eyes grow darker, but he never moves them from yours. He continues to lap at you, but his mouth is more aggressive now - a stormy sort of warning. You ignore it.
“Bet you’d let me put you on your knees after every mission if I wanted.” Your voice is coming out a bit too breathy for the sort of control you’re aiming for, but you continue regardless. “Keep you there for hours if I need to.”
Steve is standing up faster than you can register, a rough scowl painting his face. “Fucking brat,” he grunts, voice low. Your pride does not allow you to complain about how close you were to coming on his tongue.
He’s unbuttoning his shirt with rapidity and you get the message, part terrified and part exhilarated by what’s to come. You go to work on his belt in the meantime, clumsy fingers frantically unbuckling so you can yank his trousers down his legs.
Steve shrugs out of the sleeves of his shirt, you almost groan. It is just so utterly unfair. It’s not like you’ve never seen him in this state before - missions sometimes require you both change clothes in less-than-ideal settings. But seeing him in this context, a thin sheen of sweat coating his pecks, an enormous bulge in his underwear that you know you have inspired; it’s unearthly. It’s only for you. You want him in wicked, sinful ways. And you’re determined to have him.
You try to hide the shake in your hands as you reach towards his underwear. Time slows down as you pull down it down to reveal his cock - what had been a frenzied blur of limbs and clothes patters off into cautious movements, heavy breaths.
You actually groan when you see it; standing tall and fucking huge, slightly curved, subtle veins running lines up to the tip. A pearl of liquid has collected at the tip, smudged on the swollen head. It’s so pretty, you can feel your eyes becoming a bit hazy. The light in the room seems to ripple and bend around it.
Your fingers reach out tentatively, dragging down his length. He hisses, hips jerking up to your touch when you wrap your fingers around him. You can barely wrap your hand around it and you’re startled by how small your hand looks in comparison.
“You think you can take it?” Steve asks you.
“I can,” you confirm with certainty.
“Let’s see about that, sweetheart. I think I might break you,” he returns and you wonder vaguely whether Steve is just baiting you, taking advantage of all your stubbornness to make sure you push yourself past your limit.
His body brackets yours again, leaning over your body to give you a filthy kiss. His mouth is absolutely dripping with the evidence of your arousal and his own spit. You can taste yourself on his tongue, mixed with something that is pleasant and categorically Steve Rogers. His lips move hot and dirty against yours, tongue pressing in on yours while his cock nudges your entrance. You gasp against his lips.
“Yeah?” he murmurs against your lips. “You ready for me?”
You nod furiously and he reaches down to fist his cock. You feel his thick length begin to nudge at your entrance, the head slipping in slowly. Your cunt pulses with anticipation as you feel the sweet ache of him breaching you. You let out a low whine, caught somewhere between pain and pleasure, as he pushes in further, the thickness of him stretching your walls.
It’s a tight fit. He gets just less than half-way, before your pride breaks and your hips jump away from his at the burn. His jaw twitches, blue eyes fluttering closed for just a second.
Steve reaches down to stroke at your clit and the rush of pleasure makes you loosen up just enough for him to notch in a few inches further. “C’mon, sweetheart. Thought you said you could take me.”
“I can,” you say, the words pattering off into a whine. “Just big, is all.”
“Sure is,” he says, pushing in further and smiling wickedly at you. “And I’m gonna make you take it all, baby. Gonna make you feel it here.” His fingers press down hard on your tummy.
His cock is stressing its size inside you, hitting places previously untouched. You can’t quit believe that he still has more to give you but he does. You’ve never felt anything like this before, never had anything this big inside you and it hurts in the most delicious way.
“Fuck,” Steve spits, breathless. “Yeah, okay, I think you can take me all the way. Just a little bit more, sweetheart. Let me in.”
If he hadn’t eaten you out until you were an inch from nirvana, you’re not sure this would be possible. But as it stands, he bottoms out and you feel like you’re floating. Your hips are twitching, unsure whether to escape or grind down harder.
“Squeezing me so tight, baby. Think you were made for my cock,” he hisses, his face tightening with a primal need. “You okay?”
You’re not sure that your vocal cords are still working so you just nod and listen to his deep breaths. Your back arches when he presses sloppy kisses to your neck while you adjust to him. It feels as if he is moulding you around him.
Your fingertips drag down his back and he shivers, jerking his hips forward involuntarily. “Sorry- ah, fuck-” he groans, face clenched tight.
He withdraws a couple of inches, cock dragging through your walls, before slamming himself back in. He looks down at you like a kicked puppy when he hears your strangled gasp. “Feels too good. Gotta- agh. Can’t help it, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”
You like this side of him, you think idly. You had seen Steve in many different moods, but never like this. Apologetic and pleading. He is a boulder above you; 6 foot something of pure brawn, but begging you so nicely to take his cock. “I know it’s big but you’re such a pretty little thing for me. Have to move.”
You still can’t talk so you nod at him in encouragement and watch relief pour over his face. He kisses you again with intention, bucking his hips into yours with beautiful friction. You are stuffed so full, it feels like he’s everywhere at once. This whole thing is becoming far sweeter than you were expecting.
Steve finds a leisurely, pulsing rhythm as he rocks himself into you, lathering kisses over your lips in a way that is entirely too romantic for the setting. He rubs tantalising circles on your clit, helping your walls to relax into him - helping you let him in until you find your voice, babbling about how much you want him and how good he’s making you feel.
You’re becoming aware that he owns you now; that maybe he always had. He thrusts into you with a beautiful sort of reverence and you know that you are ruined. Sleeping with anyone else would feel like a brutal punishment after you felt him like this.
A noise from outside - the faint tread of boots on the ground - makes you both stop cold. Steve freezes completely, his dick coming to a stand-still inside of you. They are faint but getting closer by the second. Your eyes meet Steve’s wide ones. He starts looking around the room. at your intertwined bodies. You can see him assessing the situation, working out solutions, but a smug part of you notes that he still doesn’t pull out of you. He dick doesn’t soften; you actually feel it twitch inside you.
Your pussy jumps at the realisation that he’s excited by it. Maybe he doesn't even know it yet, but he is. You know it by the way his hips give involuntary, shallow thrusts. By the way his pupils grow impossibly darker.
So you do what any sane woman would do with Captain America’s cock buried deep inside her. You grind down.
Steve eyes snap back to yours with astonishment. He looks wild; entirely out of control and somewhat furious. He brings a hand to your hair, tugs it with a warning that you don’t pay any heed to.
You grind down again, this time removing your right hand from his broad shoulders and bringing it slowly down to your clit. You rub and squeeze there, using his cock to get yourself off. The way his eyes are burning as he watches you only makes it so much hotter. You feel yourself approaching your peak.
The steps get louder until you see a flash of cherry red pass the window and you know it’s Natasha. She’s on her way back to the locker room, perhaps to check if you’re still there. You don’t stop moving on his cock even as she passes by you and the locker room door swings open and shut.
“Are you insane?” Steve spits in a low whisper. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
You just smile back at him because you can see his eyes growing hazy. You not sure he even realises that he himself has begun to thrust into you again. A flush is working its way up his neck and you wonder whether it’s anger or arousal. Maybe both.
You’re halfway through a moan when the door to the locker room swings back open and Natasha begins walking out again with a huff. Steve’s hand goes up to cover your mouth, so large it almost envelopes your entire face. He’s giving you look like he’s disapproving of this development but he doesn’t stop fucking you.
Natasha’s footsteps stop for a split-second. You feel a disinterested sort of confusion, too wrapped up in the way Steve’s cock feels as it drags through your walls.
Something spasms between your legs and you realise you’re about to cum. Your blood freezes. You feel Steve tense, breath snagging in his throat. You’re sweating now - praying that all those gasps you can’t mute are not audible from outside.
You hear Nat let out a long, irritated sigh from outside, but you’re too far gone to even care about the consequences anymore. You squeeze around Steve’s length once and then your eyes are rolling back into your head while she resumes moving down the hall. As she approaches the glass window of the door, you try to crouch, as if that would prevent her from seeing your and Steve’s very naked bodies as he fucks you through your orgasm. You can see the faint shadow of her figure sliding across the frosted glass. For one horrifying second, you’re sure Nat will glance in.
But she doesn’t. She keeps walking, footsteps fading with distance until the hallway is left silent again and your pussy is squeezing with aftershocks.
“You’re seriously fucked up, you know that?” Steve asks, but there’s more awe in his tone than malice. “You really get off knowing someone could walk in here and see me fucking you?”
You don’t even know how to answer him. He’s given you no time to recover from your orgasm, fucking into you again with a renewed vitality. You’re overly sensitive, the pressure of his massive cock inside you bullying your sensitive hole. It shouldn’t feel good, it should be too much too soon - but it’s not because it’s Steve. And you don’t think you could dislike anything that he chooses to do to you.
“You wanna be fucked like a whore? Fine,” he says, pulling his cock out of you with lightning speed and flipping you around on the table so your ass is arched up for him. He takes a second to look at you, squeezing at the skin of your ass, dragging his thumb all the way up from your clit, past your wet heat and through your ass. He’s mumbling something unintelligible. You clench and shudder, a moan breaking out through your lips.
When he fists his cock and presses into you again, all that slow romanticism from earlier is gone. He is fucking you hard and fast, his thick cock pressing into a heavenly spongey spot that you didn’t even know existed. “Fuck Steve!” you cry out, ass working its way back on him of its own volition.
“Such a fucking brat. Couldn’t even wait patiently for me to fuck you for one minute. Too desperate for my cock.”
You want to argue that he was also fucking you, but your brain is not working fast enough to come up with the words. All you can focus on are his dirty words, the obscene squelching noises of him filling you, and how it feels to be taken by him.
“Maybe I should punish you for that. Always so disobedient. Maybe I’ll leave you high and dry here, fill you up and not let you cum.”
“Try it,” you growl, brain suddenly fully operational. “I’ll make you regret it.”
You hear him huff a laugh from behind you. “You’re adorable. Fucked out on my cock and still think you’re in charge. I’ll make you cum sweetheart, but only because I want to see you fall apart. Next time you won’t get this lucky.”
His cock hits a spot inside you that almost makes you see god. His hands are so tight on your hips as he fucks himself into your body that you’re sure you’ll have bruises tomorrow. You hope you do.
“That’s it, isn’t it baby? That’s your spot. Fuck. Maybe I should reward you, now that I think of it. All my sweet girl wanted was to get caught getting fucked by me. You just wanted to show everyone that you’re mine. Want everyone to see me fucking that attitude right outta you.”
Being called his coils your stomach in a way you’d rather not examine. Instead, you twist your head back and scowl.
“Fuck you,” you spit, voice strangled.
He chuckles again, but it’s strained. He’s pounding you with a force that you feel all the way up to your belly, all the way up to your teeth. You know you’re not far from coming again and neither is he.
“Is my pretty girl gonna cum on my cock again?” he asks, patting and squeezing your ass encouragingly. You nod, eyes squeezed shut, not even sure that he can see it from his angle. A desperate whine escapes.
“Good fucking girl. ‘Cause I’m about to come inside you. Want you walking out of here with me dripping out of you. Gonna fill you up so good, keep you topped up for every mission. Make you mine.”
That sends you tumbling over the edge, white-hot pleasure soaring through you. Your cunt clenches down hard on him and you feel him burst, spilling sticky ropes of cum into you. He groans loud, telling you how good you are for him while holding your hips with a bruising power, fucking into you violently. He shudders behind you, and eventually his aggressive thrusts patter out and slow into shallow jerks.
Dark spots are exploding behind your eyes for a while as you come down, chest heaving as Steve drives his cum back into you slowly. You feel your mixed spend dripping down your thighs, spilling onto the wooden floors below. Steve hisses as he steadily pulls himself from your tight heat. He stops momentarily while he, presumably, watches his cum drip out of your hole.
And then he reaches down to grab his underwear. He wipes it across your privates and thighs as a makeshift towel. It is decidedly not romantic, but the fact that he’s willing to go home in soggy underwear just to clean you up makes your chest tighten with affection regardless.
Steve begins to dress but it takes you another minute to gather the strength in your limbs to haul yourself up. Your hands are shaking as you yank up your panties and try to buckle your bra. Steve is fully dressed now, watching you intensely, thighs spread out on an office chair.
You’re feeling slightly awkward in a way you never do around Steve. You’ve never been short of quips or insults to throw at him, but the air has changed now and you’re not sure where you stand or how to navigate this.
You have just tugged on your jeans when Steve leans forward to grab your hips, pulling you onto his lap. You hadn’t realised that you were waiting for him to do it until he does. You go with no objection, curling into his chest. It feels strangely natural for how combative you’ve always been with him. He nuzzles his face into your neck with a shy affection.
“I’m sorry for requesting the transfer. I regretted it immediately after if I’m honest.”
“Why did you? It was kinda fucked up, Steve. And you didn’t even come to visit me when I got shot. It hurt my feelings because I would have been there for you.” You can’t even look at him when you say it. You are vastly uncomfortable being this vulnerable with him, but you suppose if there’s ever a time for venturing into uncharted territory, it’s now. Steve was right about what he said regarding your past relationships - you just never cared enough before. But you do now.
“I stayed there until you were stable,” he says. “I was just so angry that I couldn’t even look at you. The idea that you risked your life for me killed me. I hate the way you risk so much on missions. It makes me feel like I can’t protect you.”
“But sometimes you can’t, Steve. I know I should be less reckless. Being away from you for the last few weeks made me realise that. But I have to be able to make my own decisions too.”
“I know. I know it’s just part of what happens on missions but I can’t deal with you getting hurt for me. Not with you. Because I…”
He swallows hard, eye downturned. He fidgets against your thigh and it makes your heart ache. You’re feeling embarrassingly gushy, watching him be this fragile and open. You’re taken off guard by it.
“Because you want me?”
He gives you a tight, sad sort of smile.
“I want you so bad, I’m not even sure ‘want’ is the right word for it anymore.”
You’re fighting a goofy grin but it’s beaming out of you like sunshine. You kiss him nice and slow, feel his lips move ardently and reverently against your own. Your heart flutters where it presses against his chest, as if trying to fly its way closer to him.
You pour every ounce of your adoration into the kiss and feel Steve's grin against your lips as a response.
You pull away only when your phone buzzes with a text.
NAT: so i see you’re out of the doghouse
NAT: and now i need to find a new partner. goddamn.
a/n: initially this had bucky instead of nat but i kept accidentally creating sexual tension between him and reader lmao i can't help myself with that man
steve rogers x fem!reader hcs ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊ warnings: oral sex, shy!steve, slight corruption?, ignore mistakes!!
(not shaming any personal traits people like) others portray him as this badass, dominant, straightforward guy, especially in fanfictions. but he's still this shy, touch deprived, awkward, sheepish, sweetheart.
He's the type to push you against the wall and make out with you needlessly while his boner rubs against your leg, but he's too shy to say anything except pant and whine against your neck.
He's the type to use the kindest? language possible during it while calling you the sweetest things. "Golly" "Hell" "Gosh" "Sugar" "Sweets" "Doll".
He's the type to keep asking for reassurance. Not in an insecure way, but in a way to make you both feel comfortable and safe—making sure he's doing it right, making sure he's pleasing you in the process <3
He's the type to, instead of jumping to take off each other's clothes, he'll probably hesitate to even touch you at first. His hands will start shaking above your hips while his growing erection strains against his jeans. Gosh, he'll be too flushed to even let out a single whimper—choking on his words.
He's the type to innocently rub against you until he's vocal enough to alert that he's cumming. Maybe even feeling a little ashamed afterwards >-<
He's the type to grab at your thighs while going down on you, wrapping his big arms around your legs as he puts them on his shoulders. He mumbles and moans against your core as he pleases you, fluttering his soft, blue eyes to look up at you just to see you writhing beneath him.