observing through a clear glass

From the endless circles we have gone through, you finally gave me an answer. For once, you gave me something clear. Maybe I was trying to be adamant about the fact that I still love you, that i’d still turn a blind eye from all the red flags, or maybe i was just too afraid that you will say it.

I’ve always been the one who was scared to leave. i go back to you because I miss you; I miss your melancholic remarks; I miss your absurd words. I miss you. Ridiculous i know but what you gave me was something. 

Maybe I saved myself from a bigger wreck, after all, we’re just humans, but i wish you stayed. Farewell 

Today’s sunset; 6:00 pm 

I was just watching anime films all day with the train of thought of “I’ll study later” but fails to do so. 

It saddens me we didn’t make it through this lockdown; I thought we’ll still see each other after everything ends but, you had other things in mind. 

I will always think about you; praying for your well being and for you to reach all of your dreams. I hope to see you soon... someday, when the both of us are in better places. 

It’s been a month already being in quarantine and let me just say that everything that is happening right now is really taking a toll on me, well for some reasons such as: graduation being delayed, unsurmountable amount of online tasks, mental health issues and me being a vulnerable human being.

I don’t know but I’ve been having a hard time sleeping; heart racing when I wake up; erratic sleeping patterns and increased levels of anxiety. Yeah, I hope everything will be resolved soon. I miss my family; being away from them during this time is just making my heart heavy. 

I’ve been assessing myself lately and I really am messed up inside. I only distract myself from school works and time with friends but being in this lockdown with so much time to think, I’ve concluded that I have some deep personal shit that’s going on.

I hope for the best for everyone. 

Hello to my followers who are still following me after n months of not opening this space. Well, I guess you know what inspired me to open this again. Yep, it’s lockdown. I’m already flabbergasted enough by my online classes and requirements so i distract myself with random things. 

Send a message to this poor soul if you wanna have a random conversation about anything. I hope you’re having a nice and “productive” day. 

End 

as the semester nears its end, i want to pause and take this moment to appreciate these weirdos. all of us met in the most convenient and should i say, unexpected? ways

you guys filled my college life with glorious technicolor, and by that what i mean is 

in the days of darkness and sadness, you filled my hours with laughter

in the days of silence and loneliess, you filled the gaps of desolence 

in the days of shutting myself out from the world, you guys became the safe haven i needed 

and most importantly, in the days of doubts, you guys became the assurance my heart heeded for 

as we almost end the late night talks, hang outs, dinners, pigging out, random show ups in each others’ dorms, spontaneous adventures, “review” sessions etc. i just wanna say, you guys saved my life 

I never thought i’d shed tears for you again. In the middle of the fucking mall. I never. 

I thought i dont need you anymore. I thought im already immune to the sadness. I thought i’m done with you. But no. These wretched feelings are back like waves again and i have no where else to retreat to. 

I’m trying my best to not entertain these feelings and it’s a nuisance to do so. They may call this a petty issue but it consumes me. And i cannot believe i find myself again in this predicament once again.

I constantly tell myself to not delve into senseless things that wouldnt contribute anything good, but somehow, when something reminds me of you, everything i worked hard for just dissolves into ash. 

And i that’s when i knew... i still need work harder to get away from you, from everything else. 

April 27, 2019 / April 22

i’m really glad you got to meet my friends already. i appreciate everything you do even if it’s scary for you; your anxities and frustrations which you all set aside. even if you’re not good in meetin a huge crowd, you still went all the way just to make me happy. good news is, you got along with them. my friends like you, and i liked you even more. i love you, baby! 

also, it’s a good thing because you were able to do a part of your thesis with my friends participating in it hehe. 

we just had our final thesis defense today and all i can say is i am overflowing with joy!!! we went through a lot just to be able to finish our paper on time and with minor revisions. i even went through some shitty problems caused by some shitty people in school and even though i’m still going through some of ‘em, at least i can breathe a little bit. 

ever since i met you, i’ve been to places i’ve never been to before, done things that i’ve never thought of doing without any regrets, and you, yes you, making me feel things i’ve never felt before. I know sometimes i’m hard to understand but your presence makes me calm and i need you. 

This is the place we would go to when we dont feel like eating fancy or when we’re on a budget. Their burger steak and soup is the bomb! 

on the way back to my dorm but on a different road. this was one of those days that i really appreciated the road on the way back home even though i had exams this time. the sky would always be one the things that would calm me and just leave me in awe. 

this was 2 weeks ago and this is the first play (in a long time) that i watched. Huling El Bimbo was so worth it! even though we had to go through a couple of bumps on the road, we still managed to push through. the thought of me coming from cavite, and you dreadfully waiting for me because we might be late (and we were late but just a couple of minutes. sorry, love), nag tampuhan pa tayo and because of banking problems, both of us can’t withdraw money so we had to walk A LONG WAY and end up calling your mom to pick us up. but you know? at the end of the day, we still slept together and that’s what matters. 

Hello! 

So I will be straight to the point. I’m back again. 

A lot has happened since I last posted something here. And from looking at my previous post, it was some time in June which was last year. I really want to apologize to myself because I’ve always wanted to commit to an online journal but I managed to revert again. But hey at least, I still keep my account. 

A lot has happened. Well for starters, I’m in a relationship now and it’s been a roller coaster ride but we’re happy, school’s been crazier since I am finishing my thesis now before going to internship (and I need to finish it because it’s the “key”), school is really turning my life upside down and I can’t wait till I get to internship because I am so tired from everything. I’m already on my 4th year and I only have 1 year left till I graduate! (Yes, I’m claiming it, go batch 2020!)

So much has happened that I can’t keep track of the things but I somehow took photos and videos which I will be making posts about later. Regarding myself, I starting to try to go back to the things I used to love doing like blogging (?), making videos etc. School sucked the life outta me and i want to gain back what was lost. And it starts with deactivating my socials. The only social media platform I have (aside from tumblr) is Insta and that’s the only thing I intend to keep for now because it’s so exhausting to connect to the world at all times. It consumes my time and I need an intervention. 

To end this, I want to be more consistent with my passion. I want to write more, take more photos, read more books (aside from academic ones) and make more videos. All that stuff. 

To more creativity and love for the things we do!