Welcome To my World

Sometimes, I just want to crawl in a hole. I want to not be seen or remembered. Sometimes I wish I could just press a restart button. Everyday I have been practicing on being kinder to myself and it isn’t easy. Especially when I’ve been stepped all over in my past in a ton of different situations. I have been blamed, shamed, accused, bullied and more. If you were to see me in person though you would think I have it all. The face, the body, the great business I own. But deep down inside I am this same girl just trying to find herself and make the world a better place. I think I just wish I had more friends and family who cared. All I have is my husband and my soon to be daughter. While I love them both I know they will have their own lives outside of me. 

2020, you have certainly been quite the year. 

The world went to a complete stop when a pandemic hit in March. People lost their jobs, racism became a hot topic and the election was one to go down in history. However despite these terrible things, I had my first successful year as a photographer and entrepreneur. My business dramatically picked up and I soared. Now it’s December and I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I. can’t believe how much my life is changing. 

A few things I have noticed about myself are few and far in between. I miss my wine nights, but I know this is just temporary. My social life has dramatically changed, but it has been changing for a while. Motherhood is no joke, the thought of it terrifies me. Although, I can’t wait to raise a human to love the way I always wanted to be loved. I promise you that I will love that child more than anything in the world, even more than myself. 

I do worry though. Did I settle? I love my husband and we’ve been together for 4 years now, 2 years married. Is this what I really wanted? After going through this blog and reading my posts on how meeting someone, getting married and starting a family. I thought that would change my life.... make it better. The older I get, the more I wonder if that statement is true. I think life gives you blessings. Tyler is a blessing. But I wonder if he’ll be my forever. There is this small part of me that just sits back and wonders. I feel awful for even feeling that way? It has nothing to do with his family or lifestyle, I just wonder if I truly love him. Which I think I do, but do I in the way he deserves? Was this the right path? It’s definitely a different kind of love, than the storybook love you read when you're young. I was so naive. 

I don’t know who you are, when you’ll come, or why I’m scared of you. You scare me so much. Why? I don’t think I’ll be good enough, that I’ll lose my life, I have the worst self esteem issues and out of control selfishness egotistic love, in all the wrong ways. I am scared of you because I’ll be giving up my young life. And I don’t know why I’m being so selfish. I should want you. I should be ready for you.

I’m scared because I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to lose myself and I don’t want to lose the life I have with your dad. He doesn’t know how much I truly love him, and I’m not sure if he’ll ever see it through my lens. It scares me to know that you could leave me someday. That I can create you and you can leave me. Your dad loves you so much he’s willing to leave me for you. 

I should be ready for you, excited for you... Instead I’m sitting in self pity because I don’t know what I want in my life. But I want you to know that despite all these excuses, I just want you to know whenever you arrive in my life, know I already love you, so very much more than myself. Nothing will compare the love I have for you and I promise to be with you every step of the way. 

I hope you don’t leave me, because I will need you. But if you do, I’m still here. I love you and I don’t even know you. I’m scared of you, but I won’t ever regret you. 

XO,