ephemeral. fleeting.

“3:32 AM // you’re everything to me. At least you were. I’m still trying to figure it out. 5:18 AM // god I wanted it to be you all I wanted was for it to be you please just come back 11:54 PM // she isn’t me 11:56 PM // maybe that’s why you love her so god damn much 2:28 AM // I miss you god I miss you why do you make my heart hurt like this 10:27 PM // his lips didn’t taste like yours and neither does the vodka but I’ll keep trying till it does 3:14 PM // come back 7:36 AM // I know I told you I was over it but I’m not I’m really not I’m really just in love with you 3:04 AM // what happened to you and me against the world”

oh, i am finally old enough to know why my parents took so long to grab their coats. why they would ask us to get ready to go only to sit down for another round of coffee. what would i tell myself, at 10 years old? it’s okay. sit down with them too. take in the extra hour with your friend and her family. when you get home, write down every moment in your diary. one day you will be older and you will be waving goodbye to your best friend, and you will turn the key to start your beat up little car engine, and you will look back over your shoulder. her hair will be blowing in the wind and she will be beautiful and you will be, for a moment, struck by all of it. what you will feel is so wide and nameless that it will engulf you. and you will think of being 14 and kicking her under the table in math every time you wanted to whisper something behind the teacher’s back. you will think about how long the days felt, and how you could hold her hand whenever you wished, but you didn’t. and you will think about all of the people you could have lingered with. and you will wish, more than you have ever felt a wish, that the universe just gave you that - more time to linger. more time to say - i love you. i know i need to leave, but i don’t want to leave you. and when i go, i am leaving a piece of my heart that lingers too.