You know you're a parent when...

You know you're a parent when you check your phone for the date, forgetting that tomorrow's your birthday.

You know you’re a parent when a bachelor party starts with a casual dinner, follows with low-key drinks, and ends with you passed out in an Uber in front of your house at just before 11 PM.

You know you're a parent when you brush and floss your child's teeth better than your own.

You know you're a parent when you look forward to train wreck Monday night showings of The Bachelor with your spouse when the kids finally go to bed."

You know you’re a parent of a toddler in a mommy phase when I’m giving a bath when Mama comes home and he suddenly starts whining that he wants Mama to give him his bath. Then he promptly tells me that I can go hang out with his older brother. Aiite. Peace out, homie.

You know you're a parent when you've walked around half the day with your t-shirt inside out and only realized it mid afternoon.

You know you're a parent of a California preschooler when he shakes a table at a restaurant and declares, "The table is shaking! Oh no, there's an earthquake!"

You know you're a parent when you feel like you struck gold when you find the Mickey Mouse hotdog song looped for an hour on YouTube, and clearly up to a million parents felt the same way.

You know you're a parent when a mystery dog poop smell is emanating from somewhere in your car and the first place you look is your stroller wheels.

You know you're a parent of an adventurous, yet prudent, preschooler when he says, "I want to be an astronaut and go into space, but then I'm coming back, OK, Daddy?"

You know you're a parent of a preschooler who likes chili when he takes a bite, says yum!, and asks for more cold.

You know you're a parent when you try to sneak a diaper change on your sleeping baby boy, and the erection that greets you looks like a gun pointed to your head.

You know you're a parent of a Los Angeles kid when you take him out bike riding, and while he is zigzagging he comes to a sudden stop and says, "Oh no, traffic jam!"

You know you're a parent when your pediatrician tells you that you have to let your 18-month old cry it out at 2:30 in the morning because he's only waking up out of habit, and you'd rather get a colonoscopy for 7 days straight than deal with that.

You know you're a parent when a big steaming pile of poo is no longer a euphemism but something you literally find in your kid's diaper.