your daily professor

SPOILER: THIS IS NOT AN ENTERTAINING YOUTUBE CHANNEL.

In 2012, I signed up on YouTube and started uploading random videos about my college and Tumblr life. After a long hiatus on the social platform, I’m back.

Actually, this was an “assignment” and a cooperation between me and my Psychiatrist. In October 2017, I started having again the symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder and was under medication and therapy. In November 2017, I came out on Facebook about my diagnosis and just by the end of January 2018, I planned to go on a hiatus on social media and from my closest friends (I'm sorry, guys).

It was just an idea that my very awesome therapist and I conceptualized and I didn’t expect to enjoy educating people and breaking the stigma on Mental Health.

My YouTube channel is not intended for those into “challenges”, make-up tutorials, gaming streaming and any of the trendy contents that you see. IF YOU WANT TO BREAK THE STIGMA WITH ME, PLEASE DO CHECK AND SUBSCRIBE TO MY CHANNEL: CLICK ME

Links to my videos:

*Complete Playlist

*Me, Back to Vlogging and Depression

*My Depression Story and Symptoms

*8 Things Not To Tell To Someone With Depression

*I'm on Antidepressants!

*8 Ways To Talk To Someone With Depression

How to Talk to Someone with Depression

In my previous video (click here), I talked about things we need to avoid when you’re speaking to people diagnosed with depression.

When someone is physically ill, it’s very obvious with the way how they work and how they interact, and by that time, you already know what to tell them like “Try to go home and take a rest.” “I can buy you some fruits.” “If you need any help with tasks, just tell me and I’ll do the best that I can.”

But when it comes to mental illnesses, everyone in general, including me (which is ironic because I am diagnosed), it’s always hard to find your spot. I know, I’ve been talking about how debating has been one of my problems so I tried to put together some things that I myself, and maybe you, would like to hear.

So here are I think some ways on how to talk to someone with depression:

1. You can tell me how you’re feeling. I’ll listen and try to understand.

First of all, to explain something that we ourselves can’t even understand is hard. Some of us would just be telling you, “I don’t know”. But the idea that you are showing that you are trying to understand and not just concluding what I’m going through is an enough help for me.

2. You can share once you’re ready. No need to rush. I’m always here for you.

Everything comes at the right time. There would be times when we wanted to be alone, and please, don’t think of us as an asshole if we ignore your texts or calls. When you show to us how patient you are, we know that you truly care.

3. Here’s a funny and embarrassing story that happened today…

I know this doesn’t work most of the times. My bestfriend always does this and most of the times, it works, and sometimes, I didn’t care because I’m numb (ugh medications). But when you try to divert our attention and showing to us that we are someone whom you are willing to tell stories gives some points to our self-worth.

4. I can even help you with some tasks.

Think about depression as when you’re in bed and the bed keeps hugging you and you feel that it’s eating you alive. That’s depression. Most of people with depression shows symptoms such as not caring much about their personal hygiene or doing any chores. Getting up out of bed is really hard. But also, for some, please don’t abuse *wink*

5. I always admire you for being *insert that person’s achievements*

This will help us boost our self-worth and self-esteem. This will help us get reminded that there’s a time in our life that we achieved something and that our life is worth celebrating.

6. You are not nag-iinarte or weak.

It’s very important to accept the fact that any mental illness is real. I know, some people are high maintenance, but it is not their choice. Additionally, people suffering from mental illness keep what they’re going through because people think that having illness is a sign of weakness and that everyone should look after them 24/7.

7. Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.

One common symptom or a trigger is when you feel guilt. People with depression think that because sometimes, they can’t function properly, they are to be blamed for not being productive. Also, they feel bad everytime they say “No” to social gatherings, for becoming disorganized or for forgetting something.

8. Silence.

Sometimes, space is important. And most of the times, listening with compassion and showing you truly care are more than enough than words.

I’m on antidepressants!

I was actually hesitant making this video because I stigmatize myself. BUT IT SHOULD END.

I am wearing glasses because I have very very poor eyesight. My friend has something on her back to treat her scoliosis. And these are normal! You can’t just tell your eyes to work properly or your body to straighten up. And people like such need help. And so do people with mental illness.

I have a video about an overview of my depression story, (click me). But for a recap, I’ve been struggling since high school and got some sort of psychiatric help back in college then got on meds just a year ago. I actually stopped because of the side effects and I just felt like it was not working but then I returned to taking antidepressants a month ago.

So for your information, I’m taking Diazefam 5mg and Serlift 50mg. It’s still a struggle because finding the best medicine for your is very hard because diagnosis for mental illness is oftentimes subjective and depends on how your psychiatrist analyze your experiences. Also, according to my Psychiatrist, medications take effect after maybe four weeks.

So that’s it. Some notes before I end this, some people might say medications are a hoax, or that it’s all up to you that you yourself can make you feel better but it’s my own judgement, I chose the scientific way because mental illness is real and it’s hard to fight against what your brain wants to do.

It hasn’t been months but I feel some changes with my mood and I hope in the near future, I will feel better.

8 Things not to say to a depressed person

There was this person I met online and we were actually having a good time when suddenly I opened up that I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder and is currently taking medication. Just out of nowhere, he told me to “it’s all in your head, just be happy and you’ll be cured.” Then we debated. Afterwards, he blocked me.

We, people, as human beings, are innately compassionate. Oftentimes, when we see someone who is going through something, our first reaction is to comfort and talk to them. I am very grateful for people who are very supportive but sometimes, conversations end up being offensive because of words that people say to people who are diagnosed with mental illness such as depression.

So here are 8 things that you should try to avoid when you are talking to a depressed person:

1. You look happy, you are not depressed.

Yes, I’m depressed, so I need to look like my old 2000 self when I had bangs and eyeliner while listening to emo songs. Most of us don’t want you to see our vulnerability or even want to start the awkward conversation of why we are sad so we are trying our best to smile and be happy. Also, making everyone happy is a little achievement for us.

2. Look how lucky you are. Someone is worse.

Doesn’t mean maraming nagugutom na Pinoy, I need to forget how I feel and think about them. This statement is very frustrating because it ignores the fact that sadness and depression comes in different levels and doesn’t mean something is worse than the other, you will ignore the fact that another person is suffering.

3. Just let it go, snap it out, it’s all in your head.

I don’t like it either! When someone has cancer, you don’t just tell that person to stop having cancer! How? How do I snap out of it?

Try telling someone with lung cancer and tell him, “Stop thinking about lung cancer, it’s all in your lungs.”

4. Why are you depressed, what are you depressed about?

I HAVE NO IDEA. If only I know, it would be a lot easier for me and my therapy to provide solutions with what I’m going through. One big factor with depression is the hormonal imbalance. I am not just grieving, I’m depressed.

5.  It’s just a phase. I was depressed once then I overcame it quickly.

You are not depressed. You are just sad. If your sadness continues in weeks, months, and years, and most commonly, without reason, then that’s depression. I totally get it that you want me to feel that I am not alone but for you to compare my persistent sadness to your short-term sadness is totally unfair.

6. Have you seen an albularyo (quack doctor)?

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH

7. You’re using depression as an excuse.

You’re just staring at your computer, you’re lazy. You are not going out of bed, you’re lazy. You don’t attend social gatherings, you’re an asshole. You are failing grades, you’re stupid.

Can’t you see, I’m trying? I’m trying my best to be good into something but it’s my mind which hinders me from doing such. I always lose focus thinking about nothing, I am on my bed because the idea of getting up requires much energy. I am getting more anxious.

My mental illness is not an excuse for me being an “asshole”.

8. Nag-iinarte ka lang. (You’re so finicky) You’re making it up.

Okay, first of all, my medication is 2,500 baht. To see a therapist can range from 900 to 1,500 baht. Why would I just make up one thing that hurts my pocket so well? This is the stigma in our society. People think that depression is an illness of rich people and that middle to low class people can’t have depression. Also, people don’t accept the fact that mental illness is real. Yes, Joey De Leon, I’m talking to you.

I am trying. We are all trying. So please, don’t make it harder for us. The reason why people diagnosed with mental illness don’t disclose it to anyone is because people are giving advice and messages that make it worse.

This is a long coming out post but I want you all to read this.

This is the issue I left in the Philippines when I arrived in Thailand. I wished and thought that I could get rid of it. It has been years. He said "Hi" in high school, then left me; came back in college, then left; joined me in my career path, and stayed longer. He was my ex and my present: depression.

Back in the Philippines, nobody takes mental health very seriously because it's so costly, and from Joey's tongue, "nag-iinarte lamang." Because MH is a topic we never really deal a lot like how we deal with physical soundness, we Filipinos had created this stigma that mental illness is just a phase that would eventually be off our chest with just a nap or a drink of vodka.

I was one of those uneducated guys until I reached high school when depression per se knocked on my door, following me 'til I started working. Since then, I realized how important counseling and medication are. And of course, how depression must really be tackled.

Being diagnosed with depression doesn't simply mean that you're sad. Actually, I am not sad 80-90% of the day. I can still teach. I can still finish my duties. I can still do what a regular Eythan does. Despite depression, I've been a regular and happy Eythan since high school (when self-harm took place), to college (when I used to often seek help from guidance counselor), and to working (when I often went out with my best friend and barkada then arrived home late).

So what really triggers depression? I am no Psychology major (my sister is, and she never fails to comfort me), but I do know that sometimes, there is no specific stimuli for a depressed guy to enter the void. And that sucks. You are sad with no apparent reason; you think that something is missing; and worst, you feel like a failure even if you're not.

I thought that it was a phase of homesickness, but I really do enjoy being far from the country (I don't even thirst for family attention lol sorry mum and pup for not reporting to you). I would even stay in Thailand for as long as I can.

As realization came, being an honor student since Pre-school to college and being active in extra-curricular activities played a vital role. I was pressured. My parents didn't pressure me though, actually, they were the ones who always tell me to do what I love and not to raise the bar for them. But this voice inside me always reminds me to do more of what I’m capable of. And so I did, for the better and for the worse: I have brought pressure to handling relationships, friendships, and personal development that I have forgotten who I really am.

Additionally, there is this sense of "I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life." Again, pressured.

So what triggered me to post this? As what I've said, it's the stigma. One time, I was about to go to the Psychiatrist for my routine therapy then someone was puzzled, and asked if I was crazy. I am not. I can proudly say that I can do better than judgmental cunts. See, that’s the reason why people with mental illness are in denial.

Living with mental illness, specifically having depression episodes suck. You are hungry but you have no appetite (I drastically lost weight), you wanna sleep but you can't, you lost focus and catch yourself staring at nothingness, you become addicted to something bad, you stop doing what you love, you wanna harm yourself, you wanna cry but you're not really emotionally damaged, and a lot more. You feel like you enrolled in a swimming class, failed and drowned. Seriously, to explain depression is very hard.

I was wondering one time: Why do some people post it on social media when they visit the doctor because of a broken bone? Why can't people post on the social media and say, "Off to my psychiatrist for routine counseling"? Well, it's always because the stigma with mental illnesses prevails. We are disgusted.

I am still capable. I am able. Like a man with a broken leg, I can still do stuff, and so can the other people who are afraid and are discriminated. We do not need you to look down at us and make us feel worthless and pathetic. Extreme attention from everyone makes it even more difficult. Listening is important. Understanding is the key.

If there is something that I am not good at, it is doing household chores. Seriously.

My Thai partner teacher in HE for Mathayom 6 (Grade 12) invited an alumnus to share his insights.

My sister, my little brother and I were raised like a princess and princes. As they say, spoiled kids. No, we aren’t really referring to middle school kiddos who shouts every time their parents don’t provide what they want. Our parents just consider us as their “precious gems” that they wanted our childhood to be different.

Photo of me, my little brother, and my older sister doing some bonding before I left the Philippines.

When we grew up, we learned how to stand on our own feet. We learned the basics of life and households but never had we had a chance to take it to a mastery level. We are very good at cleaning the house; we do it once in a week. And there are things which we are not good at, for example, my sister does not know how to cook (thankfully my Mom always asked for my assistance when my Mom cooks), while I am not good in ironing and washing clothes.

That was a problem, especially when I moved to Thailand and got a Home Economics teaching job.

Being a Home Economics Teacher

Home Economics (or Occupations and Technology) classroom designs that I made.

As my previous blog said, I was hired as a Home Economics teacher. I took this by desperation, thinking that this might also help me in the future. For a month, I almost enjoyed teaching this subject until I was asked to teach a different subject: English.

Preparing for wai khru, where students offer flowers to teachers.

Anyways, teaching a subject that you are not good at is not a very good thing for us teachers. Like what my previous professor in La Salle once said, “You cannot teach what you do not have.” It had always been my principle and sadly, I had the false guts to teach H.E.

Being an H.E. teacher here is quite easy, especially that I have a Thai partner. Actually, I didn’t really feel like a Home Economics teacher because May 2017 was just an introductory month for the semester, meaning no hands-on exercises yet.

With my Mathayom 4 (Grade 10) students and Ajarn (Teacher) Prensri, my Thai teacher partner, in our H.E. class in the Workshop Room.

The dilemma started when I opened the H.E. curriculum guide and books, I was shook to see that I really need to teach the students how to iron and wash clothes - two things that I am not good at.

But wait, so how do I iron and wash my clothes at my apartment? Thankfully, we have a washing machine back at my apartment. For ironing, I try my best to watch videos while I was using it. Mind you, I have burned many shirts and neckties already :’(

The plot twist

There was something with the new Australian teacher and I needed to take his place. Finally, to teach English. I was really happy about it and finally, I will enter the classroom. not needing to entirely research about something I don’t know. For the first time in teaching here, I felt confident.

Even when I finally taught English, it still boiled down to “stress” life. LOL.

If there is something that I learned in a month of teaching H.E., it is that H.E. is really needed. If only I learned it in an early stage, life would’ve been different.

Additionally, I really considered the principle that my professor told us. Maybe I would fail teaching these students about the subject, but who knew, Filipinos are known to be flexible.

As of the moment, I am enrolling in a Home Economics class through YouTube videos. Hehe. And by the time I go back to the Philippines, I will do all the chores for my parents, including ironing their clothes without burning them.

I could still remember those times in High School when “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” as on hit. My friend Jane and I kept on watching it again and again. It was a Thai film about a not-so attractive Mathayom (HS) student who fell in love with a handsome guy.

From that day on, my friend and I have always dreamt of going to Thailand. While I pursued Education as a major, I was invited by Jane’s mom to work in Thailand as a teacher. Indeed a dream-come-true.

Like any typical Filipino who is seeking for a greener pasture, I entered the Kingdom as a tourist. Together with my friend Jane, we entered the Kingdom with full of delight as we are living our dream. It is our first time to travel abroad and it really made us excited.

And because Jane was just here for a vacation, we made sure that our week would be worth the High School wait. (I will be blogging about our adventures soon.)

Working in Thailand

After a week of fun, I exposed myself to the real reason why I was here: working. It really took me a difficult time. For a week, I felt the so-called depression stage when no school called me.

I first tried in Maryvit School where many teachers were Filipinos. I was hired but they offered me low (I always considered the location, comparison with my salary back in the Philippines, and compensation). I declined the offer.

Second school was Assumption College - Sri Racha. It was a big and beautiful Catholic School. Sadly, I had a conflict with schedule that I was not able to attend the interview.

Nights passed and I was about to lose confidence.

Then a school called me: Chonradsadornumrung School in Chonburi. Sadly, they only had Home Economics teacher as an opening. Because they pay good, almost double the salary I got in the Philippines, I grabbed it. (I have stories about it in my next blog)

Finally, I am settled.

What now?

I have been asking this question to myself for so many days since I got hired. Even so, I really consider myself as a person who has plans. I will just unfold it when time comes.

I am gonna be active in blogging now, I hope. Many stories really come to a new chapter and I hope you can join me in writing up this new chapter of my life.

I haven’t been blogging for some time now. I’ve been very busy with transferring to a new country and a new school. Also, I didn’t feel like writing again although I am still active in writing prose on my Facebook account. My other blog is also inactive, which I didn’t care at all because it’s more of a personal stuff.

But because the first semester’s done, I am planning to write blogs about the happenings since I arrived here in Thailand.

Since I was a kid, painting has been my hobby. Unlike today, I really found writing a very boring activity, thus I sought happiness from painting. And because I have almost a lot of vacant times, I started digging up my inner artsy talent.

Last night, I drew this tree. The contradicting aspect of this painting is that the tree represents the dark side of how I see the world yet, it really is a colorful one.

And I also experimented on this one. I used watercolor and pen to showcase the details of this girl.

1. A teacher is idealistic. A teacher thinks that everyone is smart. He/She doesn’t end the discussion without having everyone learn the lesson. Teaching the lesson doesn’t only mean to teach in a single strategy. In order to meet this ideal dream, the teacher changes plans, revises strategies and seeks changes. A teacher eyes for a community peopled by citizens who are academically equipped with knowledge and skill.

2. A teacher doesn’t rest. A teacher works seven days a week. An eight-hour daily schedule isn’t enough to make sure that the lesson for the next day is perfect to help all his/her students. A teacher who arrives home prepares the materials needed for the next day, checks test papers, and ponders to what happened the whole day.

3. A teacher can’t be praised. No one puts a teacher on the headline whenever he/she makes a student learn how to prove mathematical equations. Not everyone is generally aware that a teacher completed hundreds of topics, helped a child to read English words, and coached a kid to get his first medal. A teacher is proud but is humble.

4. A teacher overreacts. Not all people will celebrate when a kid answered a very easy question except for a teacher. A teacher tells a student that soon, this kid will change the world. A teacher tells a story as if he/she is really a character of it. A teacher does exaggerated body movements to attract the students’ attention.

5. A teacher dies as a teacher. Seldom are those teachers who leave being a teacher. A teacher’s resignation comes when he/she has come to his/her retiring age. A teacher loves being in the classroom throughout his/her life. A teacher may sometimes complain, but still, he/she ends up liking the profession instead.

Loving you was a lot like smoking cigarettes. If you ask me why, I would go along the lines of how I got addicted to you the same way I did when I acquired the vice of finishing a pack of Marlboros everyday.

I still smell you on my fingers. Hours spent with you on my lips make me want you more. You have seeped into my mind, making my head pound and my hands shake. I tried hard to get away from you but fleeing from the power you have over me is like dragging a mountain behind me. I can do well without you but I find myself crawling back to where you are like a parched man in a desert searching for an oasis. I cannot figure why I continue opening my mouth to taste you. Even after we part, I still feel you in my veins. I feel you slowly travelling down the road in my bloodstream. You will wreck me, I know that I will crash into a solid wall but I fear that I might have given you the control to drive. I cannot keep letting myself be a slave to your power. Everytime I breathe you in, I lose another second that I can add up to my life.

I come to you when I feel smaller than the fingers on an infant's hand or in times when I feel as if the walls are closing in on me. I have to say farewell to you, love. For everytime I inhale you, I exhale my approval to die a painful death. The moment I begun with you marked the start of my ending point. I know that you are only offering me an easy way out, you are not the villain here. I gladly accepted the sinister nature you possess and made it a part of the air I breathe. I will let go of you. I will be grateful for our little affair. Now I give up. My voice would not be as hoarse anymore because it would be clear as day as soon as I stop this conversation with you.

Goodbye.

I will see you in my memory as you creep in the confines of my vitality.

Together with my Education classmates, we planned to join the volunteer program in Bagac, Bataan last March 2-4. Just a brief overview, De La Salle Philippines (DLSP) has come up with the full-time school for the poor, of course with the Lasallian education which, for me, is really holistic in nature. (No biases even if I’m a Lasallian by blood.)

A question ran in my mind: Who really needs the teachers the most?

Of course, the society invests much in cognitively competent kids. To whom are scholarships given? Of course, to the intelligent ones. Yes, maybe because not all people can be given the scholarship that will metaphorically open the gates to success. And with this initiation of DLSP, it chooses to give scholarship to all students, regardless of their cognitive competence.

Most students in St. Jaime Hilario Integrated School - La Salle come from families whose occupation includes fishery, agriculture and those which require “sweat and blood”, literally. Even though they are given with Lasallian education, still, they lack someone: teachers.

Teaching is a profession, but we cannot deny that it also a source of income. I myself considered Education as my field of study because of job security, but of course, I see my philosophy of “Giving what you can give to those who need it” in Education.

Students who really are eager to learn despite their financial incapability are those who really need the teachers the most. These far-flung areas are seeking for teachers who are willing to give them what they want.

I am not saying that we should abandon teaching those who are cognitively competent. What I want to expose is that there are students out there waiting to be taught of a simple arithmetic, simple language skills, and simple aids.

Volunteering for a ten-month teaching program (La Salle Volunteer Program) is a great help for these students. And just like any newly-grads, I am not ready yet. Still, I need to serve for my parents first.

Still, there are lots of things that we can do to help those who really need. We can start teaching students from the slums, or those who find streets as their home.

Nothing is better that seeing those who need the most happy. As I may add, (and from a bible verse that I could hardly remember), a healthy person doesn’t necessarily need a doctor.

Now you’re here again, scrolling through my recent posts, wondering if the closure you asked is worth your solitude.

Are you satisfied? Are you satisfied how happy I am now? Are you satisfied how complete my life is? Are you satisfied how every laughter everyone hears does not come from you? Are you satisfied with the stability of my emotions? Are you?

I know it hurts you how my new partner gives me happiness, an unending happiness. Maybe it makes you feel smaller now that I always brag about her. That I am not shy to let everyone know that we are together. 

I know it hurts you how you wished for us to be together again. I know you always think of you who should’ve been the person I’m kissing right now. I know how you want to be the person I am expecting from my phone every time it beeps. I know how you are eager to be on her position again.

But sorry, you made a wrong move.

You threw the love I gave to you. You stopped believing in me when I said that it could still be worked out. You chose your own happiness rather that choosing ours. You considered searching for a more exciting relationship that you thought you didn’t find from ours.

Now you regret everything.

Sorry for the honesty but I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want you back. I don’t want to feel being unloved again. I don’t want to go through the long healing process again.

I was delighted on how love can make people happy. Seeing these Facebook statuses and Tweets about the people they adore gives me happiness, and most of the times, awe.

Most of us have been addicted to the idea of “love”. Everyone loves the idea of “love”, but still, the only thing that love sometimes gives the person is sadness. And just like drugs, it is just of permanent effect.

You may find happiness in the very first part of everything. You may realize how happy you are knowing that you like both things, food, ideas and so much more. You become happy— focusing to how things he/she has given you at the beginning; to the strings he/she attached to the both of you.

But just like a drug, it is only just in the beginning. Eventually, you'll lose happiness; the drug's effect loses, thus you become sad. Then you'll seek for another drug, and that is, you go back to that person who already lost interest and destroyed the happiness he/she once gave you. Then the process repeats.