happiness&freedom

“Today I am wearing lacy black underwear For the sole purpose of knowing I am wearing them. And underneath that? I am absolutely naked. And I’ve got skin. Miles and miles of skin; I’ve got skin to cover all my thoughts like saran wrap that you can see through to what leftovers are inside from the night before. And despite what you might think, my skin is not rough; nor is it bullet proof. My skin is soft, and smooth, and easily scarred. But that doesn’t matter, right? You don’t care about how soft my skin is. You just want to hear about what my fingers do in the dark. But what if all they do is crack open windows? So I can see lightening through the clouds. What if all they crave is a jungle gym to climb for a taste of fresher air? What if all they reach for is a notebook or a hand to hold? But that’s not the story you want. You are licking your lips and baring your teeth. Just once I would like to be the direction someone else is going. I don’t need to be the water in the well. I don’t need to be the well. But I’d like to not be the ground anymore. I’d like to not be the thing people dig their hands in anymore. Some girls know all the lyrics to each other’s songs. They find harmonies in their laughter. Their linked elbows echo in tune. What if I can’t hum on key? What if my melodies are the ones nobody hears? Some people can recognize a tree, A front yard, and know they’ve made it home. How many circles can I walk in before I give up looking? How long before I’m lost for good. It must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning. It must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself. But I keep swallowing what I thought was air. I keep finding stones tied to my feet.”

“Maybe one day we’ll be sitting next to each other on the edge of the bed and you’ll tell me you love me. Maybe one day I’ll come surprise you on Sunday morning and your bedroom door will be locked. Maybe one day you’ll find my hair tie in your drawer and you’ll sleep with it around your wrist. Maybe one day I’ll meet a boy in a coffee shop and I’ll finally stop thinking about you. Maybe one day you’ll be waiting outside of my office with roses and you’ll tell me you miss me. Maybe one day we’ll pass each other in Grand Central and you’ll do a double take because my hair is darker now and you’ll wonder how I spent my last 6 months. Maybe one day I’ll find your soccer jersey in my closet and I won’t feel anything at all.”