Antisocial Pessimist.

I went to church for the first time since I was 8. I honestly don’t know how I feel about church. I’m agnostic I know that. Sometimes I roll my eyes at what they’re saying. But a majority of the time I’m crying. There’s just this wave of emotion that hits me out of nowhere. I never really liked going cause it always made me uncomfortable. And it gave me a lot of time to think about all the wrong in my life. Like tonight they talked about forgiveness. And this may have been a bad translation idk (I was at a Spanish church and they had an English translator but he was struggling to keep up) but the guy said if I can’t forgive those who have harmed me than Jesus can’t forgive me. People preach forgiveness like it’s so easy when it’s the hardest thing. I mean if you can forgive then all the more to you. But I just can’t. Idk this is why I hate church. It makes me feel like an absolute failure and it’s basically just a giant ptsd flashback with some singing about Jesus.