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How can one place change the person you were before you walked through the doors. Today marks another appointment no 5 to be precise and today’s a scan an endovaginal ultrasound for it’s technical name. Haven’t the foggiest why but today I’ve been so emotional watching the clock tick past until I’m sitting here in a clinical waiting room with my litre of water wondering what the outcome will be. Strange isn’t it living in limbo is sometimes easy to deal with than knowing in 11 weeks we’ll know our fate and or we have more hurdles to climb. It honestly feels like I’m trying to push water up a hill, and throughout all of this knowing my 35th birthday is slowing around the corner and all we want is to sign one form which can only be measured to the gold ticket from willy wonka and the chocolate factory, and feeling it will never happen. #ivfjourney #ayearfromnow #nhs (at Milton Keynes University Hospital NHS Foundation Trust) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq9_fKABp3F/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=4o1xa47mmq14

So my lovely husband put this little spread on with some Christmas treats and mark the start of December. This year has been tough both emotionally and physically and throughout this whole process my poker face has just got better. Strange how you dare not show the true you and your vulnerability worried about what others think or how they’ll judge you! Why do we do this to ourselves? It would be nice sometimes to just hide away from the world and just not be the bubbly, happy person that people know and love! But until we’ve won the lottery il just carry on with my poker face and not let the world see or know my vulnerability until I’m ready https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq8KCtHB0C8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1dle1et9qoi20

The words I dread hearing from friends! That sounds awful, and it’s not meant to be, deep down a little bit of me just breaks when friends announce their news, purely because I want to be able to do the same and tell our closest friends and family we are having a family too. Since we’ve been trying 10 friends and family members have announced their news and welcomed their beautiful babies into the world, and we couldn’t be happier for them. But when you want to share in that moment and when you are a few days late and you feel a bit sick, you secretly hope it’s your time, until AF makes an appearance and it’s the most disappointing feeling, your heart feels like it’s going to explode into a thousand pieces and you swear you won’t put yourself through this again next month it’s too painful and you’re not strong enough to keep staying positive. Its hard for my husband as all he can do is wipe my tears and cuddle me and try and fix it which is an impossible task as by this stage I’m a blubbering wreck and all I want to do is hide from the world, and how can I tell him or expect him to understand that you feel like you’re mourning the baby you always thought you’d mother and watch grow up, and that future is fading month after month and just becoming an unreachable dream. I don’t know about you, but I have questioned whether my body is failing me and whether we will ever be able to go to the maternity ward of the hospital and have a maternity folder with our care plan. I guess the point of this post is it must be a wonderful feeling to go through, and I will always be that person to congratulate even though a little piece of me breaks. https://www.instagram.com/p/BqS_zWgBqJx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=uxfawbclsytx

Hi So I thought I would introduce me or us and who we are! So we are a married couple we got married 22nd May 2016, we live in the beautiful historical town of Newport Pagnell and lived here just over a year. I’ve decided to write this blog to share our journey of us trying to have a family. It’s not about knowing everything or having all the answers but hopefully it will help others in the same position as us. We assumed that having a family is a given and expected once you’re married and would just happen and we would be like everyone else. Unfortunately that’s not the case and over the next year this blog will document our journey, the trials and tribulations along the way #ivfjourney #tryingforafamily #ivfcommunity #nhs #ourjourney #ayearfromnow https://www.instagram.com/p/BqSsFuQBhKK/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1uabb7pi26t58

So our journey began in August 2018, I have been going back and forth to the GP since Nov 2016 looking for reassurance everything was ok and weren’t doing anything wrong. I know that sounds ridiculous it’s sex how on earth can you be doing it wrong! Stick with me 😉 Sometimes during a cycle their will be unexplained bleeding not a lot but enough to think it’s not normal. So as we’ve been programmed to do you seek medical advice to make sure your ‘ok’ and ‘normal’ and that’s what I did back in Nov 2016 I got told it can happen during cycles to not worry and it will all be ok. Fast forward to June 2017 and still no sign of a baby I went back to the GP and had my bloods checked hormone levels were all fine and dandy and yep got told they were in the ‘normal range’ and because it hadn’t been two years we couldn’t be referred so just keep trying. I was told to stop using ovulation apps and tests as that puts more pressure on you and just enjoy it - that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard before! Enjoyment is slowly running out, but we did as we were told, and enjoyed it! April 2018 and nothing 😫 so back to GP I go, and now we are being taken seriously 🎉 I have to come back for another examination and the mr has to get his swimmers checked fine we can do that and it’s done as soon as their appointments available. We have our tests done and the GP agrees as they what they would expect to refer us to the hospital, so the journey begins! https://www.instagram.com/p/BqS4i8Yh1g9/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1xis6lne95ba4