take this to heart

You know what I decided? That graduating college has left me even more empty. I am far away from anyone I called a friend and hardly ever get any communication from said people. Meanwhile I see post after post of people I know and all their friends that are so close knit. All I ever wanted since High school was to have that kind of group and for a while I did. But they started to get closer without me and soon I felt disconnected and didn't get what they were doing or what they were into. But then everyone left for college and I stayed home because I had shit grades. I had Samar atleast, but she had so many other friends. And I saw people I knew from high school but it was never more than seeing them at school. I worked hard to go to Hope and once I made it I was happy. I thought. I made friends with my roommate but didn't quite jive with my clustermates in my dorm. They were already friends before me so it was awkward to try to fit in. I hung out with Emily too much, but thats where I felt safe. I connected with a couple girls who both ended up transferring and I haven't really heard from since. Being a sophmore in a freshman dorm wasnt bad. I made a great group of friends. There was always someone to do something with. It felt awkward at times because I was older and was sort of blended to my title of RA's roommate. Near the end people started to find there friends outside of the cluster. I still have Bethany, she's the greatest but it's not the same. And most of the people I shared those memories with don't talk to me. So 2 years into college and I had 2 good friends. Junior year I lived with emily again but in a suite style with strangers. I became super close to Erin, not as much her roomie blake but then as me and Erin got closer Emily turned into a ghost. So at the end of junior year I had gained one good friend and lost the another. Had no group I felt I belonged with and didn't really have friends my age. I had erin and bethany both the year below. By all that is good Bethany had a spot in the house she was living in open and asked if I could fill it. So I got placed with an awesome group of junior girls, as a senior. I love them. They let me hang out with them and introduced me to their other friends and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Until the end of senior year hit and I had to move on from Hope while they all stay behind. I hardly hear from them, we don't make plans. And it really sucks to go from living with people everyday to not hearing from them for weeks-months. Upon coming home I had my childhood best friend bridget and my highschool best friend samar both of whom are busy and have friend groups that I'm not a part of. So in conclusion I fucked up or missed my opprotunities to have the friend group I always wanted that does every thing together. Like go out, have brunch, go to the beach, text and talk all the time etc. Instead I have a few good friends who don't know one another, live in 4 different cities and never see me. So I feel pretty lonely. And I can't even kind of cope. I just wallow ... Even though I'm getting married I'm obsessing over the fact that all I want is a close knit group of friends that I have failed to find.

Over the past few days I've just been realizing how little friends I actually have. All I've ever longed for is a friend group that I am a core member of. A gang like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I have lost all the groups I was once tight with and dont really know if I was ever even a core member of those. People I consider some of closet friends I feel like I hardly know or hear from. It's especially difficult to see them with other people engaging in a way that they don't with you and just realizing that maybe you're not as close as you thought. I just feel like I dont know how to keep friends. I dont feel wanted. I miss out on the nights where everything formative happens. Where all the jokes are made, memories form, and the group bonds so I just float even further away. I also feel like I cant relate to anyone well enough. I dont have common experiences or circumstances. It's hard to be there for dating advice or single life woes when I'm a few months from being married and have been with my fiance for 1/4 of my life. Alot of people even have internet friends but I dont even have those because I dont know how to do that or get one. Just, not sure how everyone can do it so easily and I'm just totally clueless.