you do the math

Theresa

Whatever, YOU do the math. 

You remember things and you look ahead. You have a little FOMO and you never let the important things fall out of your brain. 

Look! Another high school classmate has alienated herself by trying to get people to join a pyramid scheme that will make you lose weight by quitting your job Yes, sexism is alive & well

Google when the Gilmore Girls revival will premier on Netflix and feel relieved because you totally have time to fill in the gaps you missed in seasons 4, 5, and 6. Spend a whole weekend in Stars Hollow, if you know what I mean... Convince your boyfriend to go with you to the supermarket to purchase 5 bags of Halloween candy. Have an honest talk with yourself about how quickly you'll go through it. Dig out your boots and sweaters, even though the 10-day forecast promises 86 and sunny. Speaking of the weather still being hot...go down to that new ice cream shop and make sure they stamp your loyalty card. Only 5 more scoops 'til you hate yourself! Excitedly set your DVR to record the new season of American Horror Story when you read that this is the first year they haven't released the theme or characters before the premier. Continue to eat all the things because your sister's wedding is over and you don't really have anything you need to fit into besides your all-black wardrobe you'll be dusting off this week.   Add all of the presidential and veep debates to your calendar and invite your loved ones over to cheer or cry with you. Consider purchasing a crock pot for hosting events, laughing at yourself a little, because did you really think you were gonna learn how to make pulled pork? Follow every single Instagram account that has used the hashtag #TheWomanCard. Figure out when the new Harry Potter spinoff movie about monsters comes out and mark your calendar! Feel a little bad for yourself when you find out that you'll miss The Craft's 20th anniversary party. Google "The Craft remake rumors". Feel pretty smug as your Halloween costume starts coming together, piece by piece. Reclaim a Fall tip from last year and search out coffee shops that use real pumpkin in their lattes, instead of actual acid. 

But you're a little afraid of the future too. You fear you won't be the woman you always hoped you'd be. You fear you'll derail your bikini diet and eat one of those five-dollar donuts. You're anxious about the November election. You wonder if the ear pressure and popping you've been dealing with is just in your head...besides literally. Your sister sends you a text message telling you that Bill Cosby is completely blind and has no friends. You hope to god his trial is televised, and do a Google search for when Jim Jefferies will be in town. Hipster dads are wandering out of the bushes at the park, their legs sore from playing too much Pokemon Go, and you're not sure how much you care or how much it scares you. Maybe not at all. You think about current events, what's utterly current, and what will stay for a while. You think augmented reality might stay. You think Donald Trump might go. But you won't worry yourself too much about all of that right now. Right now you're focused on tie-dye sun dresses and finding creative ways to not burn your ass on the black leather seats of your car. You're busy, but beaming, which is the best way to be, really. You live a privileged, pleasant life and you know it. Things feel good. Good like when your mom is happy, or when you enter a comfortingly beautiful bathroom at a restaurant. But they keep saying you're hard to read, so you write. 

It's new, man! It's new. #JZHQ (at Juliet Zulu)

Wondering if I've actually been a witch all along after my sister tells me that I "accidentally" struck & lit a match on my teeth when I was a baby Thinking about if I'll ever be a mother & have a little witch baby of my own Traveling to New York City for the first time & feeling very small, yet smug Paying lots of dollars to fix things on my car that I don't quite understand Watching 5 episodes of Shameless a night with my man because I don't know any other life Trying to lift my butt & get high school skinny, but really eating all the ice cream Making lattes at home every damn day because I got a fancy new machine that froths almond milk & makes me feel safe Thinking about how unnecessary assault rifles are and how important it is to get a woman into the White House Aging Finding my first gray hair while looking in the mirror, and feeling kind of pleased Over-posting on Instagram (@theresatrees) Building a home Living my life

Lena Dunham

edward snowden citizenfour search engine quote

I got 99 bobby pins but I can't fine 1

Every bunny needs some bunny

It's just that you can't always trust a 1.5 star movie rating, because Eyes Wide Shut was very racy for it's time, even though about 65 minutes of closeups on Tom Cruise's face could have been trimmed out. Stanley Kubrick has a unique style, and you guess maybe you should finally see 2001: A Space Odyssey, but the rapey themes of A Clockwork Orange left you pretty upset. Maybe it's just a little hard to admit that you actually think Kylie Jenner's look is pretty badass and feminine? You think about matte lipstick and green hair extensions, and consider that vanity might just be a very personal form of art. But why didn't anyone tell you that HBO made a mini-series last year of JK Rowling's not-so-popular The Casual Vacancy? It's just that maybe you're a little jealous that your co-worker gets to read Harry Potter to her daughter for the first time. You Google "songs from Transparent" because you want to add some new tracks to your Apple Music app, and you can't remember the song at the end of that episode. The one where they go to Idyllwild. The one where you might have cried or fallen asleep by the time the credits rolled. It's just that the Pope Francis is on Instagram now. And there's that episode of Broad City where Abby and Ilana get to meet Hillary Clinton, but they don't endorse her directly in the show, because something about that's not really the point. You hear people say that we shouldn't pay attention to the media. We shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians, or the American Crime Story chronicling the infancy of their fame. You hear people say that we have better things to worry about. But maybe it's okay to have something light and gossipy and unimportant to talk about. Maybe you need a break from the scary and the urgent and the sad. There's all this pop culture flying at you and you can't really look away. 

Why Death Proof isn’t everyone’s favorite Quentin Tarantino movie People who drive really slow and then turn without a blinker Pro-life people who eat meat Bitcoins…but I guess money is just make-believe anyway, so… Why anyone wouldn’t have an Amazon Prime account How someone can be really well traveled but somehow kind of a boring person Why Bachelor Ben Higgins told two women he loved them How people can sleep with their dogs…I know so many people do it, but I just can’t get down with butts and balls on my pillows, okay?

Silk'n Flash & Go at-home laser hair remover: I’ve been waiting a long time for at-home laser hair removal to go down in price, and it finally did! I got this baby for $150 on Amazon, and it works ~pretty~ well. The thing about laser hair removal is that it does work, but you might have to do it a zillion times in order to see permanent results, which is why rich-lady expensive salon treatments usually leave people feeling a little scammed. Anyway, the Silk'n did kinda hurt at first, and it’s a little alarming when the light pops, but I’m super stoked to have [maybe almost] hair-free legs this summer. I’m trying to get a few more treatments in this winter while my skin is still pale, because it works best with the contrast of dark hair on light skin. And you know what? I’m actually pretty keen on my indoor-ivory complexion right now! Invisalign: I actually completed my treatment a little over a year ago, but I’m adding this to the list because I just went in for a checkup and a new nighttime retainer this morning, and it reminded me how fucking happy I am that I did the treatment…even though it is not invisible, and I had to pay for it myself at 25-years old. Coughing up 5 grand in just over a year hurt, but it was soooooooo worth it. More than I would have ever admitted, my one crooked tooth bothered me every single day since it grew in in 4th grade. And it wasn’t cute-crooked, like Jewel or Kirsten Dunst. It was completely turned to the side, making it appear as a little pointy fang-tooth. I mean, I’m into vampires, but… Daily vitamin: I only half believe in taking a multi-vitamin every day, but knock on wood, my skin is always little clearer when I pop one every morning. The Pill: I am currently taking Desogen birth control pills, and I one hundred percent believe these give me the best baby butter skin ever. I never had super nice skin as a teenager or young adult until I got on birth control and stayed on it consistently. Also, I’ve learned that it really needs to be treated as a 24-hour pill. I set an reminder on my phone and take it at the exact same time every morning, give or take 10 minutes. SPF on ma’ face every damn day: There is anti-aging lotion, and there’s sunscreen. I’ve heard that people with oily skin will get less wrinkles later on in life. This is great for me because I have oily skin, but also because it implies that dry skin will wrinkle. Sun screen will keep your skin from drying out, and thus prevent wrinkles. Right now I’m using this Murad stuff that I got from Sephora with a Christmas gift card. Normally, I wouldn’t spend that much, but it’s doing the trick right now, and I don’t need much ‘cause it’s still winter here in Portland. Anastasia Dipbrow Pomade: This is not really an atypical beauty product, as manicured eyebrows are sohotrightnow, but I’m obsessed with it, so it’s going on the list. It acts as a wax and a powder and it makes me feel safe. I learned that the little cylinder symbol with the number in it that’s stamped on all of our makeup items is the number of months that the product is good after opening it. Now that I know this, I know why some mascaras tell me to fuck off after just a couple of months, and also why investing in a fresh pot of the Dipbrow eyebrow pomade every 6 months is actually a good idea. NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer: This is also a pretty classic makeup product, but it’s basically making me look like I get 8 hours of sleep every night, which I am very pleased with. I used to religiously use Maybelline Instant Age Rewind for under-eye circles and blemish touch-up, but now I use this stuff, which I got in the alluring sample wonderland that is the checkout line at Sephora. I got mine in the lightest color, Vanilla, because, I reiterate: it’s winter, and also I may have read somewhere that you should go a shade lighter than your foundation for under your eyes.