you could never love enough

I wish I didn't get pressured into college so early it was too early to know better how awful the art department was I cry sometimes when I see paintings on Tumblr because I think of all the money I wasted getting all stupid expensive oil paints and canvases required only to barely finish and keep anything because every project any idea I came up with "didn't mean anything" I wish I had the nerve back then to call out how stupid and pretentious it was, one of the finals was a FREE SUBJECT project that was just required to be 4 related paintings, NO SPECIFIC SUBJECT I wanted to do landscapes inspired by undertale and halfway through painting a flower garden and another one a snowy forest I was alternating between as the paint dried I explained the inspiration and was told just painting something from a game doesn't mean anything I needed to do something else and I felt disheartened I tried to tweak the idea but my passion was dead and I never finished, handed in nothing presented nothing to the class, got a 0, threw it all out.

I'm so angry because I wouldn't have taken that present day I would have properly said, who are you to tell me what has meaning and what doesn't? You said the topic is mine to pick and I'll tell the whole class what it means when I present it. And if they were petty enough to give me a bad grade at least I'd have had 4 beautiful paintings that mattered to me. I hate them all it was always like that maybe I was being picked on for being weird and mentally ill and autistic, but I threw so much out, I finished so little, what a waste of my fucking time and money. Just to set me BACK just to make me do less art and feel less creative for no good reason imagine going into 60k student debt for the experience of feeling like shit and having nothing to show all the time and effort.

Had a dream my mom set me up on a random date with someone at a Taco Bell? She ordered food for me ahead of time but the pick up counter was a mess like every random person just took whatever they wanted, the whole place was a pigsty. So after introducing myself to my date (who brought like 5 friends with her??) I had to order again, but every menu item I usually get they no longer served so I spent an embarrassingly long time figuring out what else to order, followed by an exceedingly long amount of time waiting for the food. I tried to talk to this girl but she seemed entirely interested and I didn't understand why my mom would set me up with her. When my food finally came out and I bit into something it was cold, like, half frozen cold. So I was like what the fuck, but I didn't want to hold us up any further so I just picked at what was edible. I tried to make small talk but she was basically just talking to her friends and ignoring me. I went to use the bathroom for just a couple minutes and when I came out I saw the whole group of them already walking out the door, didn't wait to say bye to me or anything. Since it didn't matter anymore I went to the counter to complain about how disgusting the whole joint was and the food coming out like this and I didn't even want them to replace it again because I don't want food poisoning. My mom also left without me, I ran out to the parking lot and chased after her car as far down the road as I could before I lost it then I tried to call her. She said she didn't have room for me in the car because she picked up my siblings' dad because he needed a ride, so I'd have to figure it out. It was dark in the middle of nowhere and I just started crying on the side of the road.

So there's just.... Just.. a lot of feelings being processed ...