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@yoshiflip
need her so bad
#LOOKEDATHERPICTUREANDMONAED

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me bc i finally got the short haircut i've always wanted and it made my dysphoria sooo much better!
told the hairdresser "shoulder length with a lot of layers, i don't like it to look like a bob" well guess what haircut i have now.
i look like a COCONUT!
on not transitioning
i don't want to change myself in ways that i'll regret, but i also don't want to live an actionless life that i'll regret. i hate being stuck in this limbo -- do i act and have to become something to constantly defend and explain, feel like i'm destroying who i used to be...or do i remain the same and forever grieve who i could have been?
the dysphoria goes against everything i believe. it's so miserable. i don't know where "i'm trying to escape the pain of womanhood" ends and "i really want to be a man" begins. i really don't know. i've been struggling with these feelings since i was 13. i thought if i ran away far enough they'd stop bothering me, but it's just gotten worse.
can i exist in this grey area? for how much longer? how much longer can i be this way before my soul rots inside me? maybe it sounds dramatic, maybe i'm far too old to be speaking this way, but it feels so real to me.
i don't want to be a man solely because i prefer masculine clothing and don't like "girly" things (that has nothing to do with gender, it's just bullshit), but what does it mean when i can't stand the sight of my chest, i can't stand being small, i pretend to be a guy online (and have since i was a little kid), i cry or shut down when i'm called a girl/woman, i can't stand the thought of letting anyone touch me, it hurts to watch movies with men because i am filled with such envy and sadness, and sometimes when i'm alone i forget that i'm not actually a male?
i think perhaps i know what this might mean and i'm horrified of it. i can live with these feelings but it wears me down so much. it's so impossibly difficult to decipher this and figure out where to go. maybe it's scarier because i'm actually an adult now and if i really wanted to i could make those changes, but i don't know if that's what i want or what's good for me.
-yoshiflip
when ethel cain said "i wanna bleed, i wanna hurt the way the boys do" i never stopped thinking about it

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i smile looking at things online, then i see forcemasc and my smile drops instantly. it's not even a kink anymore. it's something crying deep within me. i want to let him out.
i just wish someone cared i'm sick fo sounding like an edgy angsty teenager i just need help i just need love it's so so so so sad i feel so sick
living right now feels like screaming into a void for help like nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing
i'm supposed to be having fun why am i stuck here
i've never met anyone like me

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i've never felt more alone and i'm surrounded by people that could never comprehend the way i feel
i am afraid i will always love people too much
i am trying my best and nobody believes me lol
very sobering when you pretend to be someone else and nobody fw you so you be yourself instead and still nobody fw you
genuinely have no idea what else to do that can make me happy i've done it all i really have

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sometimes i honestly wonder what it would take for anyone to miss me
i just want to be happy and the worst part is that i've gone through all the motions to do so but i'm still not happy. gym, eat healthy, sleep well, go outside, do a hobby, go to therapy, i've done nearly every single kind of therapy, take medication, all that. and still, this void. it's not like i do this for a week and quit because it's not working. i've always lived this way. i've done what i'm supposed to.