yosh

i don't want to change myself in ways that i'll regret, but i also don't want to live an actionless life that i'll regret. i hate being stuck in this limbo -- do i act and have to become something to constantly defend and explain, feel like i'm destroying who i used to be...or do i remain the same and forever grieve who i could have been?

the dysphoria goes against everything i believe. it's so miserable. i don't know where "i'm trying to escape the pain of womanhood" ends and "i really want to be a man" begins. i really don't know. i've been struggling with these feelings since i was 13. i thought if i ran away far enough they'd stop bothering me, but it's just gotten worse.

can i exist in this grey area? for how much longer? how much longer can i be this way before my soul rots inside me? maybe it sounds dramatic, maybe i'm far too old to be speaking this way, but it feels so real to me.

i don't want to be a man solely because i prefer masculine clothing and don't like "girly" things (that has nothing to do with gender, it's just bullshit), but what does it mean when i can't stand the sight of my chest, i can't stand being small, i pretend to be a guy online (and have since i was a little kid), i cry or shut down when i'm called a girl/woman, i can't stand the thought of letting anyone touch me, it hurts to watch movies with men because i am filled with such envy and sadness, and sometimes when i'm alone i forget that i'm not actually a male?

i think perhaps i know what this might mean and i'm horrified of it. i can live with these feelings but it wears me down so much. it's so impossibly difficult to decipher this and figure out where to go. maybe it's scarier because i'm actually an adult now and if i really wanted to i could make those changes, but i don't know if that's what i want or what's good for me.