N E P T U N E

by the time they fall into a bench in the middle of the food carts, they’ve stopped at nearly all the game booths and ridden a handful of rollercoasters. kai is not a fan of rides. as a nursing major, he’s heard too many stories of people falling off rollercoasters and rickety rides that end in injury or death for him to be comfortable on them. he’s lucky that minjae let him squeeze his hand through the ones scary enough that he couldn’t open his eyes. kai’s fingers are still linked between minjae’s own while his other hand holds onto the fin of a neon green, stuffed dolphin that his boyfriend won him at a game booth. they find a bench near the food trucks and stalls that are lined up and down the sides of the carnival. there is a clear view of the ferris wheel over the top of them all and kai turns to smile wide at the man beside him.

“can we please ride the ferris wheel?” he asks, slipping his hand out of minjae’s only to wrap both arms around the man’s arm and put his chin on his shoulder. the mermaid does his best to look at him with his widest eyes and bottom lip jutting out, even as his cheeks pink. skinship isn’t something kai displays often and, when he does, it’s usually only with yeonjun.

things are different with minjae though. they have been dating for almost a year and kai has never felt more comfortable with another person. minjae is someone he can, and does, share everything with. though there are times where kai looks at him and can’t believe he’s his boyfriend. times like right now when minjae’s face is lit up by the bright, colorful lights coming from the food carts, rides, and game booths around them. he’s breathtaking, no matter how much he doesn’t believe it. kai can’t help the kiss he presses to minjae’s cheek before standing up and pulling his boyfriend up after him.

“come on, i want to go on the ferris wheel and then we can get something to eat and watch the fireworks!”

[ ... ]

a frown creases his brow when kai continues talking. siwon doesn’t dare to ask in what way he means it when he says he’s important, and his fear of rejection arises once again. “i know,” he answers softly, “you’re important to me too.” and it is in that moment he decides that if kai doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, he’d be content just being friends. “i’m sorry you had to see me like that though. i can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.” except he can—very vividly so, but that is a secret he keeps for another day. “i’ll try not to get injured again. no promises though.”

kai shakes his head at the other boy, moving to sit at the edge of his bed while making sure not to shift him too much. “no- no, don’t apologize please,” the mermaid says, feeling a surge of guilt shoot through his body, “i mean, i was worried, but you couldn’t have known this would happen. i’m really just glad you’re getting better now. that’s all that matters, don’t be sorry for anything.” the last thing he wants is for siwon to be worrying about how everyone else is feeling. after witnessing and enduring such a traumatic event, he should be focusing on his own wellbeing. somehow it doesn’t surprise kai that siwon is prone to worry about everyone other than himself. the thought pulls a smile onto his face.

when siwon takes his note from his sketchbook kai can’t help the way his smile pulls wider. surely if siwon didn’t like him in some way then he wouldn’t have held onto the note and tucked it safely into his book. at the boy’s words he softens even more and his fingers itch to reach out and hold onto his. “i really wanted to see you too, i’m really glad i got to see you and talk to you. i missed you, you know.”  in a moment of bravery—or maybe just a moment of impulsivity—, he decides to reach for the other’s hand. he doesn’t interlock their fingers, just holds siwons fingers in his palm. he looks at him with a fond smile and nudges him gently with his elbow, “do not be sorry. i mean it. you didn’t do anything wrong and it must have been a lot worse for you than it was for anyone else. i can’t imagine what it must have been like for you.” he gives the boys hand a squeeze before pulling his hand away.

“if you get injured again i’ll be your nurse, okay?” the mermaid says with a shy smile, “i’ll make sure you get better in no time.” there’s a comfortable lull in their conversation and kai just looks at the boy in front of him. his hair is a little ruffled and his face is the tiniest bit puffy with leftover sleep, but siwon is still the most beautiful person he’s ever met. “siwon,” he manages to start, but his voice catches in his throat. anxiety is starting to bubble up inside him again, but he has to ask. he needs to be able to  say it now or he doesn’t think he ever will. “i’ve actually wanted to tell you something for a while,” he starts, wiping his palms on his jeans. he can’t bring himself to continue looking at siwon while he talks, he’s nervous that he’ll be able to spot the rejection on his face before he’s able to even say anything.

“i know that we don’t know each other very well. of course, um, i visit the bakery when you’re there, but i only stop in when you’re there. i- i go just to see you, siwon, because. because i like you. not just as a friend, but as more than that. i know you’re going through a lot right now and it’s more than okay if you don’t feel the same, i don’t want you to feel like you have to say yes, but i’d really like to take you on a date when you’re able to leave the hospital.” his words are overflowing into each other as he tries to get it out without pausing, worried that if he stops to think about then he’ll cut himself off to think better about making things awkward with a friend. he glances at the boy and looks away just as quick before saying, “only if you want to, of course.”

[ ... ]

the artist is disappointed when he finds out kai came to visit him while he was asleep, and it only grows when he doesn’t come see him again. siwon gets his hopes up every time someone knocks on his door, only to be let down when he finds out it isn’t the person he wants to see. it’s stupid, he knows. if his memory serves him correctly, it’s midterm season, so of course his crush is too busy to visit him right now. 

that doesn’t stop him from pouting about it though.

“come in,” siwon calls out when he hears a knock on the door. he’s seated in bed, with a sketchbook in his lap and a pencil in his left hand, attempting to draw the flowers on the table next to him. his expectations to see kai are non existent at this point, and he’s surprised to find the very person he’s been hoping to see when he lifts his eyes from the paper to the door. “kai,” he says, voice growing softer, as it always does in the other’s presence. “i almost thought you had forgotten about me,” he jokes, followed by an embarrassed chuckle. “kidding. i’m— i’m really glad you came to see me. you didn’t have to.”

when kai hears siwon's voice, reality settles in. he's suddenly very anxious to confess to the boy in front of him. despite the anxiety he feels building in his throat, kai has a hard time holding back his tears when he sees siwon sitting in the stark white hospital bed. it's a scene he remembers all too much from when his adoptive mother was in the same building, a few floors down. he spent so many of his days sitting next to her with his class binders spread out next to her while she slept. "forget about you?" kai says, forcing his feet to step closer to the boy he's barely been able to keep his mind off of for the last few months, "i don't know if that's possible at this point." it leaves his mouth more timid than he'd intended, but he manages to straighten his shoulders and smile at siwon.

"i've been worried about you since i went to the bakery and they told me you were hospitalized. it's lucky i ran into siyeon on my way out," the mermaid explains, wringing his hands together but the bright smile never faltering. it's good to see siwon awake and talking to him. seeing him a few days ago while he was unconscious was still scary even though kai knew he was already out of his coma. “i’m, um, really glad that you’re awake. gave me quite a scare,” kai says, his eyes watering again, but he blinks them away quickly, “anyways, did you get the note i left you?” kai had really debated whether or not to include the heart at the end of his small note for siwon. he knows they’ve gotten a little closer, but they’re both still very awkward around each other because both of them seem to be on the shyer side. kai didn’t want it to be too much; he’s not even sure the other likes him in any way other than friends. he’s not even one hundred percent he likes him as friend either.

thinking about the high probability of rejection makes his nerves rise up in his throat again. he doesn’t want to ruin their possible friendship by telling the boy he likes him, but what if he gets hurt again and kai loses his chance altogether or loses siwon altogether before he can say anything at all? no, he has to do this today. kai takes a deep breath to strengthen his resolve. “i am really glad to see you. i saw you while you were sleeping of course, but it was scarier to see you like that i think,” he says, his smile turning sad, “at least i know you were out of your coma then. i just didn’t realize how, um, important you are to me until i couldn’t see you anymore, you know?”

kai looks towards the girl, eyes wide. “no, i don’t think so. did you hear something?”

“ah, let me just these scrubs off and then we can go!” kai says, words coming out one after another, “i’m going to run to the lockers and change and then i promise i’ll back. i won’t be long.” he runs off in the other direction, determined not to take any longer than five minutes to get ready.

∞: Is there something about your muse that has been constant throughout their life?

kai is constantly positive and optimistic, as well as highly adaptable and hard working. he’s been so ever since he was young.

🍸: Does your muse like to consume alcohol? What’s their favourite kind?

a lot of venor members know that kai also works at a movie theater. every once in a while a few of them will show up when they know he’s working and of course he’ll let them watch a movie for free. today it’s just zero, though. kai notices him as soon as he walks in and a smile spreads across his face. “hyung!” he exclaims, coming out from behind the counter, “you’ve never come before. do you want to see a movie?” the older man shakes his head, a small smile gracing his face. “no, thanks. i just happened to be walking by and stopped to say hi when i saw you,” zero says.

kai turns to the other employee and says, “i’m going to take my break a little early, okay?” they wave him off and kai pulls the man over to one of the few tables that are near the snack counter. it’s fairly busy as it’s a thursday night and nearing the weekend. there are people of different styles, colors, and backgrounds. when a man walks by that has stains on his pants and his dark hair standing in different directions, zero scoffs. “people really just walk in here looking like they just rolled out of bed?” he says and kai turns to see who he’s talking about. he can’t help the bust of laughter that escapes him before saying, “that’s my manager, hyung.”

“i already answered this, but thank you for sending in a question!”

“i think the hardest thing to overcome is yourself. even i struggle with it sometimes, though i’m normally an overly positive and optimistic person. regardless, sometimes you can’t help it and to overcome what you think you know about yourself... that’s the hardest.”

date: late 2018 time: 1:13 AM location: yeonjun’s apartment

yeonjun reminds kai a lot of his older brother. he was always the one to take care of him and protect him while their mom was in the hospital. he’s still a little bitter that the man hadn’t tried to contact him at all since he left for college, or since their father kicked him out and kai arrived in seoul. yeonjun, from the moment he arrived at venor, stayed by kai’s side. he made sure kai acclimated well in training and that the other members didn’t bother the new kid too much. not to mention, offered to let him stay at his place while kai waited for snu’s dorms to open. he felt guilty to take up space in the mans home, but yeonjun had told him over and over that it was okay. kai sleeps on the couch usually and tonight was the same. what’s not the same is the storm that’s raging outside. the mermaid has never been a fan of thunder and lighting, reminding him of the storm that was happening when his parents were taken from him. when there’s a flash of lighting and the room lights up as quick as a camera flesh, the boys yelps. he waits for the thunder to come before getting off the couch and knocking on yeonjun’s bedroom door lightly. “hyung?” he asks through the door. when he gets no response he pushes the door open gently to peak his head in. “hyung?” he asks a little louder, but the man seems to be fast asleep. kai walks quietly to the side of his bed and pats the man’s shoulder. when he blinks up at kai and asks what’s wrong, he’s hesitant to say it’s because of the storm. “can i sleep in here?” he says, wringing his hands together. when another flash light up the room, the boy can’t help the way his shoulders tense. he’s not able to see the man’s face pinch in worry, but he does see him lift the covers and kai doesn’t hesitate to slip under the covers. he automatically burrows into yeonjun a little bit, the naturally affectionate side of him showing and the first time it’s been directed at yeonjun himself. the younger boy tries to back away a little bit, but the man uses an arm to keep him close. kai feels a little bit like crying, but instead he presses his face to the man’s chest and tries to fall back asleep.

🍸 

he drinks occasionally, but never in large amounts and not frequently at all. i would say maybe once every two months.

💉