open your arms

@yoohyunchul

booze and drugs, meet hyuk’s christmas cheer. with the natural adrenaline already coursing through him, it’s only a matter of time hyuk’s fuse blows up as he lifts his head, a flash of bright silver, from the table with a rolled up fifty thousand won bill between his fingers. unable to think straight with the ground shaking beneath him and the walls shifting and moulding into shapes they shouldn’t be in, hyuk takes a final sip of a mix of something bitter and too strong, causing him to splutter and cough as he bends at the waist. maybe it’s time to go. 

he doesn’t know how he makes it through the crowd without falling. at last he leans into the boy he’s been looking for, pressing his face into the crook of his neck from the back, a quiet sight slipping from his lips. “let’s go home.” it’s barely over the loud sound of bass for hyunchul to hear, but it doesn’t matter since he tugs at his wrist. “who’s that?” hyuk lifts his gaze slightly to meet the other person holding a conversation with hyunchul. well, now they’re done talking, hyuk decides. “let’s fucking go, hyunchul.”

for hyunchul, things at the party he had arrived at with hyuk earlier were winding down, but the ruckus around him that was still going on told him otherwise. that’s what happened when hyunchul got intoxicated --- things were a blast for awhile, until his mind became more blurred and the younger boy only seemed to respond to things by giggling. now he’d say he’s somewhere in the middle of the two, alone in a corner of the room with someone hyunchul’s pretty sure he’s hooked up with before when hyuk finds him. he can only slightly make out what the other says, but he understands enough for a pout to appear on his face as his head turns in the direction of the new found weight pressed against him.

blinking, hyunchul glances back at the guy he’d been flirting talking with just when he feels a tug at his wrist and he stumbles over his feet, eyebrows furrowing sadly when he only manages to sputter out “but---” before hyuk drags him out from the crowd of people. i still don’t know his name, he thinks to himself, and hyunchul’s shoulders droop enough to notice, but he doesn’t say anything. he could very well protest hyuk’s actions and go home by himself later on (who knows when), but even in his inebriated state hyunchul much prefers the company of someone he actually knows and is comfortable with on christmas, if it not be his brother. at this point, hyunchul’s sure he’s more comfortable with hyuk than he is with his own brother, but there’s good reason. the last thing he needs is for his professional-business-man-hyung to see how he is when he’s with hyuk.

so, hyunchul follows behind the elder without question, quite like a child, and the brief disappointment of leaving the party early already begins to fade as his focus switches back to hyuk, the only now prominent thought on his mind with how drunk he is falling from his mouth quickly, “i can stay the night?” he asks cautiously, but his words still slur. “i don’t... want to go back to the dorms.”

Huffing out a nervous breath, Hyunchul walked out the back of the club into the small alleyway that it led out to and reached into his pocket for a lighter, though his movements paused when he finally lifted his head. Hyuk? Stupid of him to assume it was him at first glance when all he could see of the person was a fur coat a few yards away, but Hyunchul could easily say Hyuk was the only person he knew who actually wore fur coats, and this was a club the two of them had gone to together before. The only reason Hyuk had come to mind was probably venue Hyunchul had decided to spend his night, but he couldn’t deny Hyuk was one of the only things he was thinking of recently.

He stepped over the pair of legs in front of him and he furrowed his eyebrows, head tilting in one direction in order to catch a glimpse of whoever he was standing over in the dimly lit space, Hyunchul’s mouth almost immediately falling open. He hesitated and felt himself tense when he saw Hyuk’s face, or at least what parts of it he could actually see. “Oh my god,” he muttered shakily, only wasting another second or two before he crouched down to the elder’s level. The only thing on Hyunchul’s mind now was helping, despite the last interaction the two of them had had; he clearly needed help and Hyunchul was without a doubt the last person to refuse Hyuk something like that.

“---Are you okay?”

Hyunchul was easy, in the simplest terms. He was easy to excite, easy to fool, easy to intrigue. Winnie was one of the many things (or people) Hyunchul was curious about. It mostly had to do with the fact he knew they had mutual friends, but also Hyunchul simply liked getting to know people in general, and Winnie was yet another person he’d not formerly met. They weren’t super far apart in age, but Hyunchul was in University while Winnie wasn’t, so spotting him during the day immediately sparked the elder’s attention. He attempted in approaching him in the least awkward way possible, though Hyunchul didn’t have much shame in situations like these. He leaned over the younger and raised his eyebrows curiously, then excitedly, his expression brightening in a matter of seconds. “Oh, I have that game!”

“There’s only nine more Fridays until Christmas. Isn’t that so exciting?” Najeong mentioned, trying her hardest to keep from breaking out into a full grin at the thought of the upcoming holiday. “I guess that’s not so close, when you think about it… Have you done your holiday shopping yet?”

“Really?” Hyunchul grinned and turned his attention to the elder, eyebrows raising enthusiastically. Fall was his favorite season but Christmas definitely had to be his favorite holiday. “That sounds really close,” he mused, the happy tone usually found in Hyunchul’s voice obviously present. “No, have you? It’s probably smart to do it now, right? Everyone rushes to the stores once November ends.”

——YOO HYUNCHUL POSTED ON INSTAGRAM

@yxhychul: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAMSOO HYUNG!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉 i cant BELIEVE i had to find out from someone else today was your birthday but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i’m glad we’re roommates and stuff and we should practice dancing together more I LOVE YOU OKAY PLEASE GIVE ME A SHOUTOUT ONCE YOU’RE BIG AND FAMOUS @kwnams

“You’re right. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have asked.” Hyuk blinked, his voice monotone. He turned, raising his hand up as if he was about to caress his cheek, but thought better of it, putting his hand on his own knee instead. “I was careless. I shouldn’t have asked if I didn’t know what kind of responsibility I would be holding to some degree.” It was rare, where Hyuk spoke more than a few words when he wasn’t discussing about his work or gossiping. 

“I know you don’t want much from me. But that little that you expect of, I can’t provide.” He murmured, looking down. “Normally something like that brings people closer, makes one want to protect the other more.” Hyuk stopped, pressing his lips together. “I’m selfish, egoistic, self destructive, cruel. Incapable of liking you as much as you like me. You probably know this as well. The fact that both of us know this and is doing nothing about it makes it really, really fucked up, Hyunchul.” Hyuk pressed his hand against his face, palm rubbing against his jaw. “I’m not going to drag you down with me.”

There was a long pause from Hyuk, his head bowed as he stared at the ground numbly before inhaling deeply, looking back up at the boy, eyes vacant. “…Besides.” He said quietly, his fingers curling into fists as he thought of his next words. “You were never that important to me. I merely thought of you as someone who I occasionally fuck. I didn’t know I was going to be sucked into this kind of personal mess.” Hyuk wondered if Hyunchul could hear how fast his heart was beating, the lump in his throat that caused his voice to waver slightly. The red head clenched his jaws, his blank gaze staring at him. 

“So please, let’s not be a burden to each other.”

Chewing on his lip, Hyunchul busied himself by messing around with the sleeve of his shirt, only stopping to cringe at Hyuk’s words at one point or another. He kept his head down though, purposely avoiding the elder’s eyes, even if he could most likely assume that Hyuk was doing the same. He wanted to nod, to give some kind of recognition, but Hyunchul just sat there, fingers tugging at the loose thread of the oversized shirt he was wearing.

This was unfair. That was still the only thing Hyunchul was thinking, but he didn’t know why he expected things with Hyuk to be fair in the first place. He was stupid to want anything and expect anything from the elder, right? That’s all anyone ever thought Hyunchul to be --- he was stupid and naive. Childish. Most of that was true, anyway, but Hyunchul was scared, almost constantly, about something. Hyuk had taught him ways to distract himself and handle his anxiety better, even if they weren’t in the slightest very healthy ways.

Though without everything Hyunchul had been introduced to, he could still easily say his anxiety had improved since he’d met Hyuk. He knew eventually he’d be fine without Hyuk too, because he didn’t expect to follow around the elder like a puppy for the rest of his life. Hyunchul wasn’t stupid. But now, being dropped to the side now was scary, and unexpected, and the lingering possibility that he would just go back to the way he was 3 years ago absolutely terrified him. The thought was almost always in the very far back of Hyunchul’s mind, but the fear only heightened with what Hyuk was saying.

His entire body ached, and Hyunchul’s eyes stung so badly that everything in front of him was blurry. He felt sick and quite literally wanted to disappear, more so when a few tears actually fell from the younger’s face and he sniffed, tilting his head to the side to roughly wipe at his eyes. He took a moment to compose himself, which wasn’t that hard to do since Hyunchul had more or less mastered being able to bottle things up when he most needed to, and he licked over his lips, rubbing his cheek absentmindedly.

Hyunchul moved to stand up (and hopefully leave) but he still leaned against the stool and tried to refrain from shaking, some of the stuffiness in his voice still there from having gotten so close to crying, “If I’m not important to you, why’d do this? Couldn’t you have just shoved me away? ...Yelled at me? That would’ve been better,” he sniffed and cleared his throat, continuing to keep his head down as he blinked away the remaining wetness of his eyes, “and you wouldn’t have seemed like you were lying right now either.”

Please don’t cry. Just please don’t fucking start crying. Hyuk begged in his head, hearing Hyunchul’s voice waver. If Hyuk gave in and tried to physically comfort the boy, he may actually get too comfortable and start with the tears. Better keep it safe, Hyuk thought warily. Better keep the distance. Crossing his arms tightly against his chest, he looked away, blinking. 

Hyunchul had the right to ask. Hyuk had thousands of different answers ready to be given to him; all he had to do was choose what would be the best for the both of them. It was almost graphic, how Hyunchul was so twisted in sorrow and desperation. Hyuk gritted his teeth, wondering whether telling him the truth would be better, or a lie that would keep him away. Hyuk kept silent, selfishly dragging it on for his own sake of comfort. He turned his back on him, placing his hands on his hips as he sighed loudly, eyes briefly closing. 

Maybe he should just stay like this. Give him the silent treatment before Hyunchul left on his own. After considering this, he threw the idea away. No, that would leave too many loose ends which they’ll both regret about. God, he wasn’t mad at him, he was mad at himself. How did he, no, they end up like this? What happened to the light hearted intimacy where there were no promises? How was Hyuk so tied down?

Hyuk attention snapped back to Hyunchul, turning around at his last question. Slowly coming to a decision, Hyuk walked towards him, sitting him down before settling down besides him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He finally spoke, unable to look at him. “I’m not mad at you.” He repeated again. “It’s- …we shouldn’t have-” Hyuk tried to explain before ruffling his hair in frustration, unable to find the correct words. “I can’t do it. That night made me realise how fucking attached you were getting to me.” Okay, this wasn’t what he planned but it should have the same effect. Being unkind came too naturally to him. “You’re not gonna get what you want from me. I’m not a complete trash to drag this on.” It was a truth in the rough, where his words could have been more gentle, where he could have explained a little more. But Hyuk just couldn’t do it, letting Hyunchul interpret his explanation however he wanted to.

Hyunchul went silent again, his expression transitioning into more of a blank state as he waited for whatever Hyuk was going to say or explain, if he was going to do that at all. He didn’t know what to expect, not that he ever did around Hyuk, but this was different. He let himself be sat back on the stool and he watched as the elder sat down right beside him. Sitting down before saying something. That was never a good sign.

“But nothing--- Nothing changed,” Hyunchul blinked and his eyebrows furrowed, mouth halfway open though he paused in the middle of his words. He was just confused. Upset. He wasn’t sure if he was sad anymore, he just didn’t get it. This wasn’t fair. “Nothing changed,” he said, more desperately this time, yet his expression was actually steady as he looked at Hyuk. “I don’t... want anything from you. You asked me a question and all --- all I did was answer you.”

The younger hesitated and furrowed his eyebrows again slightly, his jaw clenching as he tried to ignore the awful feeling that was still resting in his stomach. “The only thing that’s changed is what you know about me. I don’t need your sympathy or your pity or your--- I don’t want anything from you,” he responded, doing his best to keep his voice firm though it ended abruptly. He let out an inaudible sigh and looked to Hyuk’s side. “What do you think I want?” Hyunchul mumbled, his voice once again getting quieter and his eyes drifting between them.