✚ ! a sinner's guilty sweet pleasure ! ✚

Sleep is definitely not my friend.

I fall asleep trembling and afraid, because somewhere, in my mind, I know the emptiness is still waiting for me when I wake up and is never ending — and tomorrow could be just as bleak, unbearable, and merciless as today was. There are no sweet dreams waiting for me, either — How could there be, when my waking life already feels like a nightmare? So I close my eyes, hoping for an escape, only to realize that even sleep cannot promise me somewhere kinder to go.

My biggest fear is abandonment. I can't imagine living a life where I am not needed by anyone — where my absence wouldn't leave an empty space behind.

There is something particularly painful about being replaced, about giving someone so much love and devotion only to realize that they don't return it in quite the same measure. About becoming invisible to someone who once felt like your whole world. I don't only want to be loved, I want to be remembered, acknowledged, cherished, and significant. I want to know that I meant something — that my presence left a mark, that I wasn't simply another person who passed through someone's life unnoticed.

Often, the people I love become constellations in my sky: bright, beautiful, impossible to ignore. I trace their shapes, learn their stars, build meaning from their existence. And yet, I wonder if I'm only a fading grey light in theirs — something they barely notice among everything else illuminating their sky. I make constellations out of people who might only see me as a distant star.

they will never forgive a sinner like you.

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