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A BOWL OF WATER UNDISTURBED, LEVEL AND SANE STARING INTO A VOID OF MUTE HUES NAVIES AND GRAYS AND BLACKS AND SUITS AND PANTS AND SHOES WITH NO CHARACTER BOXES OF RIGID RULES DEFINED BY UNMOVING LINES SQUARES. ALL OF THEM. SUITS. NO CREATIVITY. NO LUST FOR LIFE OR ME THIS MAN STARING IN DISCONCERTINGLY THERE’S A HOLE IN THE BLUE SLEEVE HIS FAVORITE SUIT IT’S BORING, TRADITION REPETITION THE WILDERNESS CALLS MY SOUL TO ATTENTION THE BEAST IN HIS PUREST FORM MOST NATURAL RIPPING THROUGH MY CHEST OUT FOR BLOOD OUT FOR FLESH OUT TO BE RAVAGED TENDERLY A TINGE OF PAIN IGNITING PASSIONATE SATISFACTION HE DOESN’T TOUCH ME ANYMORE LIKE HE CAN SMELL THE BLOOD PLAGUING MY BREATH THE SEX OF OTHER MEN PERMEATING THE AIR OOZING OUT OF MY SKIN THE IVY THAT ONCE BOUND US TOGETHER POISONED AND PRICKING BETRAYAL. A STONE DROPPED FROM HEAVEN THE WATER RIPPLES AND IN THE VALLEYS OF THE WAVES I LOVE ANOTHER MAN MY THOUGHTS WANDER ON THE WIND SEEDS BORN OF AUTONOMY DANCING ON AIR AROUND A SINGLE BROKEN MAN RIGID AND STUCK IN A BOX SOMEDAYS I PITY HIM SOMEDAYS I’M THE VERY ESSENCE OF THAT FREEDOM HE LONGS FOR AND I’M HAPPY HAPPY TO BE AT AN ARMS LENGTH ENDURINGLY PUSHING AGAINST HIS DESIRE TO KEEP IT ALL IN BOX IT UP AND SHIP IT OFF TO WAR WITH THE NIGHT HE’S HIDING FROM ME THEY BOTH ARE HE DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE HE DOESN’T WANT TO STAY MY FLESH IS RIPPING AT THE SEAMS SALVIAS BURSTING THROUGH PURE AND SUFFOCATING BLUE SILENT HE DECIDES ON EARTH TONES BOXES HIMSELF UP AND FLIES OFF TO WORK IN A WEEK HE’LL REMEMBER TO GREET ME PRETEND TO MISS ME BUT FORGET TO SAY GOODBYE BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE WON’T AND I AM ALONE AND I AM HAPPY AND I AM TRAPPED SCREAMING INTO THE VOID OF DISASTER.

a tension shadows align strum a chord to cloud nine take up your shields and block out the sun shine a barricade protect the prayer I made that you'd be mine consign our fascination with affection to the bullet of a gun fired in the wrong direction pardon my sudden inflection I got something to ask but can't phrase the question i looked at the cards and they preached a destruction of the tower we built and it's such an awful truth to face I ain't got much and what I do have is too far out of touch with reality pushing distance between us and pledging an allegiance to neutrality i'll stand my ground if you promise to cross the line it's just a formality but I got to break my heart and then i'll be fine with this new ideality perception is ... i perceive that i've got no chance beyond this catch my breath swallow the kiss i set on the air promise not to miss this message to you i'll always care more than you know broken heart shedding blood into the mud trying to make our seeds grow

distance&the dancer black rose buds kissed on dark stretches of smooth silk grow into some mystery holding Pandora's secrets for her own pleasure he contorts his body to mask the cracks in the picture frames he grabs himself like the shadow once did he lies in bed next to a wish a prayer for the comfort to return like a ghost haunting his yearning the distance from the breaths counting sheep ain't no angels in hell ain't no comfort coming not while we sleep blood drips from the picture frame from a wound buried deep in the dancer man's body scars from the secrets he's been dancing to keep he was light as a feather floating on the wind running to the stars his fleeting asylum yet his spirit was heavy shackled to the tomorrows of days before yesterdays he wanted to move forward while his thoughts dragged him backwards they were at war with one another one danced while the other lived

he was a mover he'd drink from that gourd and follow it into the dawn he had stories to tell stories of shackles and whips he was anchored by shadows captured in the midst of his darkness behind his eyes he drew maps of worlds landscapes fantastic and vast and open he imagined wings held together with promises of freedom he was a hopeless man with the courage to live hair painted with the skies endless fortuity he carries with him a heart that held within it a forest fire a vow to set reality aflame build his world, his cities of greatness this man, he was a conqueror with great kingdoms of imagination kneeling at his every whim he was a spirit moving through Arcadia never again to be a slave to lack thereof he set forth to escape the veil of inspiration realize the dreams the chains had built in him he was alone body curved against the wheel of time wings that once held great glory now faded into truth where the sky opened with it's vastness clouds of grey and white have darkened chance still he became an ephemeral blossom who would let no grass grow under his feet

burning to the ground ribs shattered into resenting knives punctured vulnerable lungs no sigh of relief tonight under the gravity of panicked debris suffocating buried alive with the pain burning scars etched in the eyes i see the spirit breaking walking through the fires of bliss burning away any trace of attachment skin rotting away floating away like dead leaves on the wind drunk and dancing with demons of the night a waltz into the valley of the shadows cities falling skies falling lightning strikes against my pulse i’m alive but for a brief fleeting moment white blinding shimmer nothingness all around nothing else matters right now just you and i staring into sin writing ourselves into tragedy burning to the ground

have the courage to shout from the apex of the citys’ crown sing out my life and keep wake this town of sleeping believers birds perched on their throats working to keep their song down I wish I could spread my wings to paint truth ‘cross the skies pipe out those dreams of Panama red eyes simply complex, unblurred and unbelievable lies technicolor wounds incised and blood pours out into rivers of ecstasy grandpa rocking stores next to me said “son never let anyone be in debt to me and never been in debt to anyone” delegating responsibilities ain’t how the race is won I gotta rip open my throat, phoenix rise from the coals emblazoned with the sun ready to let loose the bars you never sang freedom child, on this day freedom rang like a gunshot piercing the silence freedom bang fell the wings on the butterfly like Atlas with apathy, I took a sigh and started to preach spirit of Delphi spewing green gospel sticking like a leech if I only had the spirit to open my cage and beseech you open your skies to hear but I sit quiet, patient, Atlas holding up my fear

wonting to whigmaleerie on whimsical notes a bird hops across a pond of delirium wherein we lie forever staring into the eyes of heaven clutching each other's hands holding close the breath of the wind who's captured time in a brief contrivance like the devil knocking on the doors of paradise deceit and reality won't be built of these ruins not for a want of that bird singing for eternity Let's skip across the clouds toward the horizons of Eden we're wont to the tragic bliss of blindness let's explore the vast depths of Arcadia eyes wide open every crease and contortions the secrets of the earth the yearning of man to his incorruptible sin escapism as a means to blot out the parts of life we wish not to see painting black on dystopia until all we see is a utopia so real it's fading with each breath we take drag me through the Elysian fields if for a moment I can taste the ambrosia of freedom trapped, being whipped by reminders of our mortality the wind be that very same Jacob and time the angel with it's might wings feathers falling like seconds as they roll along time marches on no, this time he didn't win and we awaken like slaves shackled to the very tree that betrayed us

i’m trying to catch a break on this yellow brick path oz is yours to make hope is yours to find and confidence will be your mistake should you choose to mind the words written behind all men’s eyes someone’s trying to hurt you and he’s telling you lies you’ve given him the key to causing your heart pain to bad it’s been buried in sand wrapped in cellophane so that not even the wind can take a shot you speak your whispers in a big voice but I will not go gently because I know who I am and I’m trying to let you see i’m trying to let you in ruin me and bury me again and again in my hearts’ grave the devil playing chords written in a floating stave somewhere over the- where’s my wizard to save me from disease god my feet are growing numb and my knees dancing around some dumb fire about burn out i buckle as old friends become new enemies

he wore his eyes faced to the ground the sky carried his guilt with blood dripping from the rose his mind started to wilt sink low to the ground he was growing parched dried out and drained blood in the water red stained conscience standing before the cross I've come to bear the mother opened herself for selfish children to come tearing through and me their christ wearing a crown of thorns set to burden the angers and frustrations and self-aggrandizing senses of self-importance the music tenses each hit of the nail the sacrifice commences the worst is finding it's end suffocating air becoming less dense look to the heavens and commit my soul as the rain starts to rinse away the poison in the scars and soothe the pain of the man with a guilty conscience

it was a dance a single dance a single moment in time when I didn't worry i didn't think or fathom the world burning outside i was immersed in a dance tracing the the outline of your physique time passed there before our eyes and we never noticed a connection a risk taken for no particular reason but to take it and then a conversation a socially awkward kid two breathe I'm okay i'm here you're here and you've decided I'm worth talking to you see I'm timid and "what's your name?" oh i'm just sitting here by myself in a room full of people enjoying the music and it's embracing freedom now you're here to in my moment then a dance a single dance our moment then it's over and I'm flying flying away by myself with the music that brought us together reminiscing on closeness palpable tension and a kiss and then time tapped life called now I'm here you're not here you're there we're at a distance now holding on to a moment

roots&histories black ancestors sowing cotton seeds when one day their children come and reap the scars of their fortitude with moon high over Egypt, Moses come by chariot singing swing low, swing low sweet chariot they won't let my people go hymns locked in the roots of the soil they tilled hymns my grandmother hum in her rocking chair on the porch beneath that sun that darkened the skin of her mother before her and her mother and her mother songs of the negros rising up against the foot that sought to keep them down grandma humming her roots grandpa sipping down moonshine and singing histories and the fruits of their labor soaking in the sun and time marched forward and their song never did end. into the blissful familiar growing out the ashes of the past, my black ancestors reach from the scars painted by our childish spirits we'd run around this place until we fell and scraped our knees and then the laying on of hands pain to remind us where we come from the soothing of the ointments to tell us where we're going these scars won't let you forget banged up and bruised, we children carried on under the watchful eyes of our parents and theirs we'd run to grandma's lap where she'd rock us into solace we'd curl up next grandpa and he'd tell stories of perseverance and hardwork this house this house used to sing loudly it would sing the songs of brothers and sisters and cousins and uncles and aunts and mothers and fathers children and the generations before them waiting to take their turns in the one bathroom the stairs would creak hallelujah feel the energy of these children, the strength of this generation the house that raised me. i'm sitting on the couch with a history of its own their on the mantle, a picture of an angel dressed head to toe in white "Westport High school Prom" "May 9 1986" my mother. surrounding her, her brothers and sisters all with remnants of their mother and father songs written in their skin they've passed on to their children and I'll pass on to my children grandma come to deliver a message before carrying on with her day roots that have grown into something you've sown raising stories one day your children will reap on their own and like grandma and grandpa they'll hum hymns of the past and tell histories of the house that raised them "children go from being on your lap, to being on your heart."

LIKE A PILE OF ASHES SHE BLEW AWAY SO EASILY WITH WIND SHE WASN’T GROUNDED ANYMORE SUDDENLY SHE BECAME VULNERABLE AND I HAD SIX ARMS WITH SWORDS IN EACH HAND SOMEHOW SHE KNEW SHE BLUDGEONED ME WITH A SHIELD SHE’D BEEN PREPARING SINCE WE STARTED SHE WANTED TO BE LOVED AND I LEARNED TO LOVE HER BUT IN LOVING SOMEONE AS DEEPLY AS I DID I LEARNED TO HURT HER DEEPLY SHE BUILT UP HER FORTRESS AND I MARCHED AROUND THE TRUTH WITH HORNS DESTROYING EVERY LIE THAT HELD IT UP IT WAS NEVER REAL UNTIL I BLEW THAT TRUMPET SOMEHOW SHE KNEW SHE KNEW I HAD BETRAYED HER CONVICTION IN ME I BLEW MY TRUMPET THE EARTH BENEATH OUR RELATIONSHIP SHOOK SHE FLED THE FALLEN CITY TO THE SAFETY OF HER MOTHER’S SWEET AND COMFORTING WORDS I’M SURE SHE KNEW TOO IT’S WOMEN WE MEN UNDERMINE THEIR INTUITION WE MINIMIZE THEIR REACTION TO OUR FOLLY TO UPHOLD A SLIVER OF HOPE THAT MAYBE WE GET OUT UNSCATHED I’M HURTING SHE’S HURTING GLASS SHATTERED ACROSS OUR HOME A PREPACKED BAG I COULDN’T SAY GOODBYE ROME ABLAZE AND SHE FLED WITH WHAT WAS IMPORTANT TO HER LIKE SHE KNEW IT WAS COMING SO SHE COULD RUN TO THE HILLS TAKE CARE TO WATCH IT BURN TO THE GROUND WITH ME STILL INSIDE

I NEVER LIKED SEX I NEVER HAD IT ISN’T TO SAY I DON’T THINK ABOUT IT ISN’T TO SAY I DON’T WANT TO TRY IT NOT RIGHT NOW I’M FRAGILE I’LL BREAK FRONT ROW, THREE SEATS IN THE MODERN HAIRCUT WITH TOO MUCH PRODUCT BLACK SHINING RUN MY HANDS THROUGH THOSE STYGIAN CURLS HANDFUL, BACK ARCHING A MOMENT OF PASSION DRAGON’S BREATH CONSUMING OUR- DISPEL IT EW, GROSS AVERAGE HEIGHT AND BUILD NICE BODY BUT HE DOESN’T EAT HE HAS NO CHOICE I SEE HIM DURING GYM TIME RUNNING LIKE HE’S GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD MAN KNOWS HIS SHORTS SO DO I DISPEL IT HE’S BEEN WORKING OUT THAT SHIRT IS GETTING TO SMALL CLOCK TICKING ROUND AND ROUND BACK OF THE CLASS BLIND TO THE BEST OF THEM DON’T MIND MY EYES I DON’T NOTICE THE REST OF THEM BROWN SUGAR HONEY DROPS I SWOON ON A MERCURIAL STRETCH REDS BLUES GREENS PURPLES FLEETING WINDS BRINGING US CLOSER TO ONE ANOTHER RAPTURE THE SECOND COMING I’M ON A CLOUD TO NIRVANA DON’T WAKE ME UP I WANT TO DOMINATE HIM TO BLISS SHOW HIM PARADISE LIKE HE’S NEVER SEEN BEFORE I KNOW I CAN IN THIS HEAD OF MINE I KNOW I CAN IN THIS BODY OF MINE DISPEL IT IT BECOMES NORMAL IN MYSTICAL REALMS ALMOST TOUCHABLE IF I REACH HARD ENOUGH I’D BE BORN AGAIN SATISFIED I COULD NEVER SATISFY NOT LIKE I WANT TO DISPEL IT FUGITIVE THOUGHTS TRYING TO MAKE SQUARES FROM CIRCLES DISMISSAL BACK INTO THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF EVERYDAY DISCOMFORT EYES PRYING HE LOOKS BACK BROWN SUGAR HONEY DROPS HE SMILES FOR A MOMENT I IMAGINE. SHE SMILES BACK. DISPELLED.

SEA OF EXTRA ORDINARY PEOPLE IN EXTRA ORDINARY FASHION ALL SO UNIQUE THAT ONLY I STICK OUT HOW THE UNORDINARY SUDDENLY BECOMES THE NORM IT'S ALL RELATIVE TO SOME CENTER OF MASS GATHER ENOUGH PEOPLE TO BELIEVE IN GOD AND THERE IS ONE BUT WHERE THERE ARE MANY GATHERED OPPOSED TO THE THOUGHT THE THOUGHT HAS ONLY LOST ITS POWER BUT NOT IT'S EXISTENCE PERSISTING AGAINST THE GRAIN ONLY SHIFTS THE FOCUS THE WEIGHT A THOUGHT CAN BE CREATED BUT IT CAN'T BE DESTROYED TO BE AGAINST SOMETHING IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT'S EXISTENCE IN THE FIRST PLACE OR AT LEAST THE THOUGHT OF IT THAT I COULD ONE DAY ENJOY A LIFE WITH A HUSBAND AND TWO KIDS AND LIVE AS A MAN FREE OF PREJUDICE MY GREEN GRASS THOUGHT MY HOPE MY GOD I'M SCARED OF WHAT SOCIETY THINKS ROSE PETALS HERE A CAPTURED MOMENT THERE AN EFFORTLESS CYCLE OF TRYING TO PRESERVE SOMETHING TRYING TO DEFINE SOMETHING TO BE PRESERVED ALL A MAN'S GOT IS HIS REPUTATION WITHOUT IT HE'S A BUG WALKING AMONG GIANTS WAITING TO BE SMASHED FLAT SCREAMING INTO THE VOID MERCILESS RANK FEET AND HAIRY LEGS DODGING MISFORTUNE AND CARELESSNESS SIDE EYES AND UP AND DOWN LOOKS IT'S A PAIR OF JEANS AND A BACKWARDS HAT YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME WITH BREASTS TO KNOW THAT I'M TRYING TO GET RID OF THEM IT'S A T-SHIRT AND A PAIR OF BRIEFS AND GENERAL TENNIS SHOES YOU KNOW ME TOO WELL TO KNOW I DON'T EMIT MY NATURAL AURA OF DISCOMFORT IT'S MY REPUTATION COWERING BENEATH THE SOLES OF MY FEET TODAY I STEPPED OUT AS MY VERSION OF MAN AND THEY LOOKED OH MAN DID THEY LOOK LIKE ROBOTS TRAINED TO DESPISE ANYTHING THAT THREATENED THEIR CAPRICIOUS STANDARDS OF NORMALCY AND I LOOKED BACK FROM THE OUTSIDE OF THE CIRCLE GROWING TO ACCEPT THESE SHRINKING TO BLACKBALL THOSE I WAS TOUCHED BY AN OUTSIDER I WEAR A PERFUME UNKNOWN AND UNACCEPTED BY MY SOCIETY I'M A PARIAH I NEVER WANTED TO SMELL LIKE THEM ANYHOW I WILL FIND MYSELF IN THE ANTIPATHY OF THEIR LOVE MY GREEN GRASS DYSPHORIA HE LOOKED IN THE MIRROR AND KNEW EXACTLY WHO HE WANTED TO BE BUT HE HAD TO KNOW WHO HE WAS I WAS THE THOUGHT AND THEY WERE THE ATHEISTS

I WAS RUNNING LATE RUNNING ACTUALLY RUNNING NOTHING NEW TO ME BUT I WAS NEVER LATE I CRIED IN A CORNER IN THE BACK OF A SMALL CLOSET MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN THE LENGTH OF FOREVER HOW DARK IT WAS I SHATTERED THE MIRROR IT DIDN’T LIKE ME IT TOLD LIES FILTHY HORRID LIES OF A LITTLE GIRL IT ONLY SPOKE ON THE REFLECTION IT SAW SKIN DEEP BLOWS AGAINST A BREAKING SHELL ON THE VERGE OF SHATTERING HIMSELF I AM THAT MIRROR HELEN WON’T BE HAPPY HELEN HASN’T BEEN HAPPY FOR YEARS NOW NOT SINCE SHE’S LOST HER HUSBAND OR SO THE STORY GOES HER SEQUENCES HAVE BEEN FUELED BY SOME SENSE OF ANGER A RAW PASSION FOR SOMETHING TO BE DIFFERENT LIKE THAT SHATTERED MIRROR AND WHAT BROKE IT I LOOKED AT THAT MIRROR AND IT LOOKED BACK LIKE A DEMON MOCKING ME I CONNECT WITH HELEN I’M UPSET WITH HELEN WE WANT DO BADLY TO ESCAPE OUR BODIES I CAN SEE IT IN THE GRIT AND VIGOR SHE DANCES WITH LIKE A MILLION MICROSCOPIC IMPS ARE STABBING PINS INTO HER SKIN SHE WORE HOODS AND SUNGLASSES WHEN EVER IT HAPPENED NOW SHE WEARS THE SCARS OF THAT MAN LIKE BATTLE WOUNDS THAT INSPIRE RAGE IN HER DANCING SHE’S LOST SOMETHING AND SHE’S NEVER GETTING IT BACK GOD HAS SLIGHTED US SHE NOTICES MY DISCOMFORT AROUND THE OTHER GIRLS LIKE SHE HERSELF CAN FEEL THE DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM AND I LIKE SHE KNOWS I DON’T BELONG I’D NEVER SEEN AN ANGEL BEFORE HELEN IS THE CLOSEST THING TO HEAVEN I KNOW IN HER EYES I SEE COMPASSION AND SEARCHING SHE HAS WORDS TRAPPED IN HER THROAT SURELY SHE’D SING THEM OUT BUT SHE HAS A KNACK FOR PATIENCE DON’T LET THEM IN TO SOON THEY’LL HURT YOU THURSDAY MIXED CLASSES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE IT MEANT JULIAN WAS COMING HELEN’S SON IS THE PUREST MANIFESTATION OF GOOD I KNOW IN A MAN I WANT HIM THEY’VE PARTNERED UP ALREADY AND NO ONE’S LEFT WELL NO ONE BUT “JULIAN, DO YOU MIND?” I BELIEVE IN GOD AGAIN. THE EARTH DEPARTED WHEN HE GRABBED MY HAND HE LOOKED AT ME AND I LOOKED BACK I WON’T DESCEND INTO CLICHÉS OF FANTASY THE BROWNEST OF EYES INVITING THE LIGHT TO TAKE REST IN THEM HE TOOK CARE TO BE GENTLE I WANTED IT ROUGH THOUGH AN ANIMAL WAS RAGING IN A CAGE INSIDE OF ME JUST AS IT CHARGED THE CAGE IT SET IN I’VE DESCENDED INTO FANTASY WHERE I’M JUST A FETISH OR SOME EXOTIC FOOD TO TRY I’M AN ITEM ON A BUCKET LIST TO MAYBE BE SCRATCHED OFF MORBID I KNOW BUT HE’LL NEVER LOVE ME

open my mind and drink in the flood drown me in the river of my convictions baptize me with the tears of heaven i’m on the ledge of ambition where dreams are held in the hands of God bless me with the trumpets of freedom i’m a child again frolicking through fields of sunflowers lying in fields of lilacs of imperial amethyst forming shapes of chimerical silhouettes set against the vast landscape of the universe i’m free, riding on waves of nirvana communing with the avian creatures of the sky the horses on the wind diving through bliss and crashing into the veil of reality wearing the scars of my pride the lashes of my past roots crawling from the motherland sinking me back into her womb i’m reborn again pure and innocent i’m free and floating through memory sauntering through a graveyard of my stars picking up wooden blocks with fading alphabets singing songs of feathers and notes and burned out candles painting ancestral sticks in flamboyant chromas deep intensities of sun rays smiling from corners of the sky ain’t it funny we drew sunglasses on her face to protect her from herself i’m free and falling back to concrete calling on mama, i’ve cut my knees open again she say, you’ve learned this lesson already alcohol on juvenile wounds burning away irresponsibility running back to the misconceptions i’m free to spin tales of fantastical beings roaming cities of paradise i’m free to walk among them a little man on the shoulders of giants breathing in serenity liberated the albatross flying onward toward the horizon open my mind and drink in the flood moving with the current of my convictions baptized in the tides of passion letting go i’m free

WISHES ON STARS ARE WISHES ON THE DEAD TRANSFORMATIVE PSYCHOTIC DREAM TRYING TO CLAW IT’S WAY OUT OF MY MIND LITTLE GIRL WHO SO BADLY WANTS TO BE THE BOY INSIDE HER HEAD UNRELENTING PRAYER TO GOD TO BE REDESIGNED