anchored at sea

i want to sleep in your arms. may I?

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to silence your demons. It really pains me to see you like this, love.

I wonder if he talks about me to his friends.

I HAVE TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF!!!! OKAY NEW OUTLOOK (AND I HOPE THIS LASTS) I HAVE TO STRIVE TO BE MORE POSITIVE AND BE MORE LOVING AND BE MORE OPEN. I HAVE TO STOP PITYING MYSELF. I WANT THIS TO WORK, RIGHT? I LOVE HIM, RIGHT? WE HAVE TO WORK HARD FOR EACH OTHER. WE HAVE TO HELP EACH OTHER FIGURE THINGS OUT. WE SHOULD WORK HARD FOR THE LOVE WE DESERVE.

What right do I have to love and be loved? Me, who hurt people because I couldn't love myself? Me, the selfish bitch who couldn't give people the love they deserve? Me, the flirt who wanted attention and played with other people's feelings? I corrupt everything I touch. I don't deserve love. Not until I paid for what I have done.

I'm in love. I've just woken up and I'm sure I'm in love. I'm so in love I want to cry. Please, don't let me fuck this up. I beg you, universe. Or whatever higher being is out there. Please don't let me fuck this up. Don't let me lose this. Don't let me lose him. Right now, I'm still learning how I should act in a relationship. I'm still learning how to be honest about my feelings and how I should be more expressive of my affection. We were lying down on my bed, his arms were around me and mine around him, my face buried in his neck, I was breathing him all in, and the song Yellow being played by Coldplay live was blaring by the mini bluetooth speaker I owned, and I knew I loved him. Fiercely. There was the urge to blurt that three words out loud. My mind nagged me to say those words aloud. But I stopped myself. And I regret not saying them. Maybe next time, I thought. But that may have been the only time we will ever have and I only let it pass. I hope I'll be brave enough to say those words soon. Our time might be running out.

Why do I keep hurting people just because I couldn’t love myself?

Why do people think that they can ever be happy with me? I’m a miserable piece of shit. I’m not worth the trouble.

Oh, the rare times I would feel my heart is swelling with love and adoration are such bliss. 

I MANAGED TO CUT MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS TODAY WUW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I'M SO MESSED UP TANGINA

I don’t like myself when in love. I get more destructive than usual.

AAAAH it’s frustrating how you try to open up to people but they can’t understand you. I’m not mad at the person, I appreciate all the effort, I’m just mad because I’m such a complicated human being that I can’t make people understand my turmoil even though I need all the help I can get.