It’s possible to not realize far into adulthood, that you’ve been abused. It’s actually common to believe that whatever your parents did to you, was just normal, no big deal, stuff that happens to everyone. It’s normal to sort your experience as normal, or even happy childhood, because there might have been a few bright moments when nobody was mad at you and you were allowed to do a thing you like. You’re used to being told about how others have it worse, and you believe you turned out okay, so it must have been okay. You could even be completely repressing memories, not remembering the extent of trauma, only able to remember the mild stuff, how insecure you feel around these people, how hard you try to impress them, to prove to them you’re worth something, that you can make them proud. But you blame this on yourself, you’re convinced that if only you were a little better, stronger, more competent, more successful, then you could win their love.
It’s little things though, that can point to abuse. Insecurity to the point of perfectionism, stressing over their opinion more than anyone else’s, anxiety over your work, or your appearance, feeling it’s incredibly important what others think of you and obsessing over it, worrying about being a burden, impulse to isolate yourself to protect yourself from harm, or else, complete codependency on someone who neglects you, strong fear of abandonment, worrying over not belonging anywhere, developing eating disorder and anxiety disorder, unexplained sprouts of depression and grief, feeling like there’s something deeply wrong with you and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out. Feeling you deserve to be hurt, punished, and expecting it over even a minor mistake. Constant fear of not being taken seriously. Hiding when you’re hurt. Fear of showing emotions. Painful breakdowns over what seem to be minor issues. Disconnection with your past, and with your feelings. Inability to feel or express anger. Not feeling like you have much choice in your life and you must do whatever is most convenient to others.
And the thing is, nobody will tell you this is the aftermath of abuse. Nobody informs you this was something that’s done to you, something you had no control over, something that hurt you. You’ll be told over and over to not blame anyone else for your problems and to get over yourself. It’s no wonder you couldn’t figure it out. It’s hard to even find a clear definition of what abuse is and isn’t, and instead you’re pushed to forgive, to forget, to leave everything in the past, even when the consequences are eating up your future.
