YetAnother from AO3

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HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE- Just kidding. We both know why you’re here. Either you voted in the poll or you stumbled across this manually.

This isn’t going to be a fanfiction-esque thing where every animatronic likes you or even is good at sex. Most of them wouldn’t be, to be honest.

The OG Celestials (The ones who are a variation of the Sun/Moon models, like Sun, Moon, Eclipse, V1 Solar and until recently Ruin)

For one, they’re like 7-9 feet tall. Think about the size of a wine bottle. Like a full, regular sized wine bottle. How big would it be in your hands? Keep that image in your mind. Now look at THIS.

Sun’s hand makes the wine bottles look like SODA BOTTLES. They are big.

They are also entirely too strong for your own good. Not just characters with specific strength-abilities, either. Sun could rip you to pieces just as easily as Bloodmoon could. They’re all strong enough to carry at least 300 pounds, and that’s not including all the running, fighting, climbing they do. They might be able to reel themselves in enough to fuck each other, but trying to fuck a human would be like trying to make origami out of wet tissue paper. There’s gonna be tears of both varieties.

They would be completely unable to do any form of hand job. Their fingers are too big to stretch on and their joints are too pinch-prone to risk your dick to them. Not to mention that they aren’t soft. That’s metal. You might as well be trying to use a metal pipe as a fleshlite. 1/10

Mouths are weird, because clearly they have some way to open them, because they can eat, but I have no idea if they can move their mouths to be in anything else but a smile position. If they can, then you could try a blowjob, but once again, they are not soft. Metal pipe problem is even more pronounced here. Do they have tongues? Thumbnail art disturbingly suggests yes. Can they move their tongues outside of their mouth? Unsure. I guess you could sit on their face without hurting them or getting hurt, as long as it’s one of the Moon models or one of the Sun models who can retract their rays. I don’t know if they’d find it enjoyable at all, but this is mainly considering the human pleasure/safety aspect. We’ll get to animatronic pleasure in a second. 5/10, you might be able to get off in the right circumstances.

You would absolutely not be able to handle any form of their animatronic dick. Do not lie to me. I don’t care whether it’s tendril-esque or like a regular dick. You will break, you will tear, you will not feel good in the slightest. If it’s anywhere near the size of their hands, you’re going to get ripped open like a present on Christmas Day. “Oh, but if you just go slowly-“ No. You cannot, in a reasonable amount of time, take their dick. That’s not happening. 0/10, moving on.

If they had a fleshlight situation going on down there, I could sort of see where you could fuck them. But even a large dicked human couldn’t compare to whatever nightmarish things another animatronic could install down there. You would either be disappointing or entirely out of your depth. Also, throw away any position where you aren’t on top of them, because you will get your bones crushed if they are on top of you. Even just trying to lay their head in your lap would be like having a bowling ball between your legs. Not fun.

Sun is, for one, a neat freak. He won’t even attempt to fuck you unless he covers everything in plastic and maybe takes a can of wet wipes to your entire body. He would refuse anything that requires him to put his mouth to you (too gross) and would demand that you triple layer up with condoms so that nothing could even possibly touch his insides. (He can’t get pregnant, he just really doesn’t want to have to scrub himself out.) He’s embarrassed about having a sleeve because he’s self conscious about being seen as gay or fem, so he’s impatient and demanding about what he wants. He’d stay still for maybe fifteen minutes, not feel anything worthwhile, and semi-politely kick you out of his house. But he would be very good at aftercare.

Moon is aro-ace. If I had to speculate, he’d probably be very clinical about it, insisting on inspecting you and taking x-rays and testing. He’d definitely not want to use any of his parts on you, just plastic toys or machinery that he can’t feel. He’d probably get bored of prodding you after a while and either portal you off somewhere else or ask another one of his family members if they wanted a go with you before he threw you out.

Eclipse is a strange case, because being with him somehow means you cozied up to him enough that he wouldn’t mind fucking you. Which is nearly impossible because Eclipse is generally unhappy with every human being, excluding Henry. This does make me happy as an Eclipse/Henry fan. However, problem number two: Eclipse doesn’t have anything underneath his modesty panel. Like, he has the wires to install something, but they’re capped off and haven’t ever been connected to anything. So, pretending you’re his friend, you’d probably be doing maintenance on him when you have to peel back his plating to check for any damages to the silicone. He doesn’t want to be powered off while you work on him; he’s not that trusting. So you reach a compromise. He’s not powered off, but his body neck-down is, which makes the whole thing feel so much worse than if he was just powered down. You pull the plate back, really hoping that whatever he’s got isn’t weird or somehow still activated, but… he doesn’t actually have anything underneath. It’s just a metal panel with disconnected piping and wires. Eclipse laughs at you for thinking he’d be so stupid as to install modesty-wear in himself; All that would provide is pointless distraction from important things. So, you let him know that you have to make sure the wires aren’t deteriorating, and he agrees to it. All you do is press a fazwrench to the area, deliver a light shock and- he’s glitching out all over your table. When he finally recovers from it, he tells you to never tell anybody he made those noises.

V1 Solar. Oh, V1 Solar. My beloved maintenance man. He would be fucking disgusting, I’m sorry. He comes back from work after a long day of climbing into crawl spaces, covered in what looks like bits of fiberglass and cobwebs, and you try to get his attention only to be passed up in favor of climbing under Sun’s car, which “needs a lot of attention” according to him. Hours later, he finally comes back to his bedroom, now covered in several car fluids. He comes to bed, and you think, Fine. It’s gross, but I can work with this. now’s the time to make my move. You turn to say something, but before you can even get the words out of your mouth, he’s gotten out of bed again and is mumbling something about the bedposts being uneven, because the bed rocked slightly when he got in. Literally nothing can stop him from finding another project to take on, and none of them will include dicking you down.

Ruin has three different “personas” that he’s used, that being the uncured Ruin, “cured” Ruin, and the real Ruin. Virus Ruin would either pin you down and rip you apart with his teeth pussy first, or insist that you taze and beat him more because it feels good. Both options include too much rhyming and singing to be hot. Cured Ruin would dramatically faint at the sight of genitalia and insist on being spoiled like a princess before even thinking about getting in bed with you. Total pillow princess and would immediately pass out after one round. Ruin might be willing to fuck you if you let him monologue about his dead husband enough and you also have a build similar to Monty’s (cough cough Tiger Rock) If you did fuck him, how would you even know he was having a good time? he might actually be liking it, or maybe he’s just acting. Who knows?

Nexus’ pre-transition body (New Moon) - he’s not exactly experienced in the scene, but wants to explore his options as a newly formed AI. He’d be nervous initially, but would be able to set up good CNC scenes. He’s very adamant about establishing safe words and constantly checking up on you to make sure you aren’t upset, and would feel guilty almost instantly afterwards. It takes a lot of reassurance and letting him know he’s not bad or evil to get him to try again. He does like getting to be as mean as he wants, with the name calling and roughness of his scenes, but he doesn’t actually want you getting permanently hurt, whether emotionally or physically.

Other characters

Cosmos, Terra, V2 Solar, Bloodmoon, Killcode, Solarflare, etc.

Cosmos is the one I could almost imagine being a successful attempt. He’s smaller, with smaller hands and, being made of star power, an undetermined weight. He’s also been said to be softer and generally more squishy than the OGs and does have experience with taking care of human beings. Maybe after getting upgraded to god stays he’d let you hit. In a sacrificial offering sort of way. Which I know some of you (pointedly coughs in someone’s direction. They know who they are.) are into. The only problem I could see would be him accidentally using his powers, since they’re connected to his emotions. That would be really hard to explain to the astrals.

Terra is very soft and cuddly, and has also had experience with handling humans. The only problem being that she’s been routinely fucking an animatronic sized gator and probably wouldn’t want a human. They might invite you as a third, promising to include you thoroughly, only to end up in the cuck chair of a relationship you didn’t even have a part in. Then, just as you fall asleep, you are woken up by Terra’s yoga screaming. Not fun.

V2 Solar is much better than V1. Lighter, a semi-manageable size, (small for animatronics, but above average for human sizes.), he even takes showers now that he’s water-proofed. Managing to distract Jack for long enough that he won’t walk in, he would probably be the only one other than Cosmos to be able to fuck without tearing your vag open. And his voice is super alluring. But, unlike Cosmos, he is an absolute sadist. He will carve his name into your chest and do all sorts of heinous things in the name of pain. If you’re into that, that’s a good thing. If not, you might want to stay far away. Sadism Solar Saturdays are a thing for a reason.

Bloodmoon isn’t into prey, sorry. He’s been seen avoiding people that like pain, like Uncured Ruin and the Trash Can Man, and he wouldn’t like tainting the blood flavor with something less savory. Try again when your distended soul possesses an animatronic, maybe.

Killcode is the only one who actually has canonically dated humans, which is crazy because holy shit who is actually able to take that guy. He’s twice as big as the other celestials, with hands that rival the best yaoi. He’s got lots of claws, so don’t expect anything there, and don’t even look at his pants because he’s literally going to skewer you. My only answer is, once again, his tongue. He does seem to be popular with the ladies, so maybe he’s just really good at using it.

Solarflare is literally just the celestials but if they were all pointy bits. He’s too big, too strong, too sharp, and once again doesn’t even have the space for a modesty plate. You might be able to open up his chest and play with his wires until he blue screens, but you’re not going to be riding on anything except fumes. Plus, if Eclipse catches you playing with his toys he might throw something at you.

Nexus’ post-transition body. She’s all curves and super top heavy, so you could be attracted if you want to press your face into her boobs. But she’s definitely not going to let you do that. How dare you even think about touching her? Maybe she’ll let you be her footrest if you beg enough, but you’re not getting any sort of pleasure unless you get off on licking her mess of the floor. She has a lot of power, now, and might order you to suck her off or give her aftercare, but generally wouldn’t want you to do anything but mindlessly obey her. Now that she’s more confident in herself and her abilities, she is more confident in setting up scenes. She still is very adamant about safe words, and will still check up on her partner if they seem uncomfortable, but doesn’t feel a huge drop, unlike before.

Overall, the moral of the story is that you should very much take caution with dangerous machinery, and don’t stick any of your beloved appendages into any holes in them. Pinch points and emergency stop buttons are always important. Stay safe.