The Goldfish

the idea that people nowadays are more sensitive and easy to offend than they were in the past is such horseshit. people used to throw hands if you stepped on their shadow and calling a person a coward was legally justifiable grounds for them to challenge you to a duel with pistols.

me, late 20s, discovering i love to cook, and have neck pain: holy shit i’m going to turn into a person who does yoga

me, buying paper napkins and eyebanging a herb garden: i’m having an identity crisis 

me: *reaches automatically for coaster, catches sight of my reflection in my newly purchased wine glasses that were on sale*: i don’t know who you are anymore

“i’m not a fan of embellishments on throw pillows, they tend to snag” I say, and gasp in horror at what I’ve become

“Did you know they make odorized garbage bags now?” I say without flinching,  the sclerae of my eyes as black and ashen as my soul

Eyebanging a Herb Garden

How was that what you focused on?!

no no, that’s fair

You single handedly tanked the value of someone’s prime real estate and that makes me happy

As soon as I read this I immediately started thinking of ways to do this on purpose to get cheap land and I was five posts down my dash before I realised I was becoming Scooby Doo villain

a lion will never know that a squid is a thing

Honestly one of the best things I’ve seen a goPro used for

what’s the mood for july?

i’m the only thing preventing the mailman and the vacuum from killing my entire family

this was such a confusing and frightening post before i read the name of the blog that posted it

I keep repeating, “Self-control is just empathy with your future self” and it’s honestly saving my life right now.