leave a message at the coffin

✦ the prelude

hi there :) i'm yang! ENG/中文 & HE/HIM.

i'm using tumblr as a way to share some parts of my writing and my days, and hopefully finding comfort in others within the dark void that is life. (sue me for being emo, i’m just depressed)

probably will be posting a bunch of diary entries, random thoughts i have, and shit like that. it's not going to be aesthetic. it's gonna be messy and gory. it's gonna be random vents and all the like. be prepared.

as per the subjects i will be writing for, there will be mature themes and explicit language. just a warning.

i have recently came across a song that helped me come up with the phrase, "leave a message at the coffin."

my dear friend E commented on it, "i like it. leave a message at the tone, because the person's already gone."

don’t have anyone to sit with for prom. because M bailed on me. just got abandoned for a boy she met officially maybe three to four weeks ago. so much damn money down the drain, just because she likes a boy. she was the reason i considered going. and now i can’t even find a table to seat me. because all of them are already full.

and her responses — god, don’t get me started. she got me fucked up. “sell your ticket,” and then “are any orch kids going?” not even an invite to sit with her and her date. at all. i used so much money on this shit and i can’t even sit w the person who stupidly managed to convinced me to even consider prom in the fucking first place.

and i told her, “i think [us going together] was the plan unless i was wrong, and to hear that you’re going with a guy that you met like at most a month ago and presumably his friends or whoever else kinda hurts.”

maybe it’s my fault. i didn’t clarify it with her. i should have known since she said yes to her date's proposal. perhaps i shouldn’t have assumed. but fuck. i am so, so, damn, PISSED.

it is my fault. it absolutely is my fault. but fuck. i’m so sick and tired of being treated like nothing.

hilarious that because of my friend problems, i’ve been getting closer to mom. i literally cried — bawled, absolutely melted down — in her arms today for two hours. my eyes are so swollen and my head hurts like a bitch.

if you love someone but you know you're hurting them, you can either be better (if you're selfish and want to keep them), or let them go (as i see many people often do instead of bettering themselves).

people often ignore red flags because they're attached and want to keep hoping that their partner will do better. i can't say much on attachment, though. sometimes, for me, the memory is enough. especially if they've changed and are not the person i used to love. (and then i said i can feel love, but i think i cannot fall in love)

and i told my friend this, and they said "it's fine, you don't NEED love" and i just think that's an interesting take.

i think everyone needs love. doesn't have to be romantic love, but we as humans are written to be "pack animals." we thrive better in a group that accepts us and loves us for who we are.

writing that out and sending it to them honestly made me change some thoughts i've had on my current relationships i've been trying to hold on to. i'm trying to hold onto them, and trying to get better. but at the same time, if they're hurting me and not fixing it despite communicating to them about it, then maybe i should leave.

(repost)

recently, i’ve been avoiding the band room and after-school music clubs because i told him (S) that he deserves to have a good experience for his senior year in high school. 

and i told my band (W) and orchestra (T) directors, as well as my mother, about this decision i made. they all said that i also deserved to enjoy my senior year and should do what makes me happy. what dictates that only he should have a good time? they said i deserve a good final year as well.

and i’ve been thinking about my happiness recently, and what exactly made me happy about going to the band room. was it playing the music, spending time with my band director (W) (because GOD he’s a cool man), or spending time with my friends? i’m still not sure.

i went up to the band room today because we had a seniors-only rehearsal. i asked my director (W) yesterday if he wanted me to come, and he said yes (obvious answer to most, but not to me). it was honestly the initial reason i decided to go, but i was talking to my friend (M) and i declared that i would stop letting people that are uncomfortable with me dictate my actions. i think (and hope) i deserve to be happy, too.

and it was fun, for once. that pressure in my back that always persisted when i was around him (S) and his friends finally alleviated a little bit. i grooved along with the music and just focused on my director’s (W) directions, and it was fine. i wasn’t bothered by the stares or the lack thereof.

i think i’m improving in a healthy way, making sure i can do so without throwing myself under the bus.

i’ve started looking both ways again when i cross the street

not entirely sure why i do that; is it the sliver of hope that life will get better? is it my reluctance to leave this world without finishing what i want to achieve?

or is it control? the fact that i want to be in control of everything, to have the power to make everything go smoothly and go my way —

to have the ability to decide my own fate. to have a death that's on my terms, with letters and gifts prepared, instead of leaving on a random monday afternoon.

i've recently been okay with going home alone.

i used to cling around my friends, waiting for them so we can just walk to the train station together, even if we didn't even take the same train. the company masked the negative thoughts i was feeling, and talking about other things prevented me from screaming and breaking down in the middle of the street.

but i've stopped going home with friends everyday; stopped saying bye sometimes and just left without the word. it's called an irish goodbye, right? for the most part, they were good with hanging out without me, and they do so without question. and it's mean, but i don't want to wait around for a pause in the conversation just to say bye. i'm not going to interrupt them and ruin their mood just for a bye.

and i guess you can argue that saying bye would actually make their day, but they wouldn't be able to show it unless they all knew that everyone there hated me. which i don't think was ever the case.

anyways, the music masks the silence. and i've gotten used to loneliness lately.

my friend (M) had a fight with her date (A) a few days ago, about him pushing her about something even though she said no, because he thought was a joke. (it wasn’t a serious issue, so don’t come for either of them; they talked it out very maturely, both apologized, and are better than ever :D)

and when i discussed it with her, it made me think about emotions and how often i’ve been thinking about this issue lately. i asked her if she apologized for getting mad, and she said yeah. and honestly, that would be my first thought too: “i’m sorry for being/getting mad earlier.”

but i've been thinking, why would you apologize for how you feel? it’s more like apologizing for the way you acted because of how you felt.

don’t apologize for the way you feel. it’s semantics honestly, but it matters. never apologize for the way you feel because the way you feel is always valid; it’s just the way you acted may not be. thank you to another friend (S) or teaching me that lesson, even if it fucking hurts like a bitch.

hurts because i know i’ve been fucking trying, and sometimes it just feels like they’re not seeing that.

i know that learning how to react was the point of the lesson. i get it. he didn’t mean for it to hurt, i think. that wasn’t the intention. it happened, but it wasn’t the intention. i can feel hurt but i’m not going to be mad at him for it, because i wouldn’t want someone to get mad at me for doing something that had good intentions.

i can only wish he talked to me about it sooner. there was so much shit that he pretended was okay, even in a private setting in my dms.

it feels like i’m being rushed to change, but i’m going to change at my own pace.

honestly, i think i changed a lot these past couple of weeks. but i’m not sure.

my friend (M) said i’m doing good. and that means a lot to me. i’m really happy that said that, because it doesn’t feel like my growth is only in my head

i opened my notes app and i just see an empty note that says nothing except “i have friends.”

and honestly i need that reminder sometimes. it was really nice to see that, even if i wasn’t in a particularly bad or good mood. it was just good to have that reminder anyway.

i have friends. i know i have friends.

but do i feel it sometimes? no. am i kind of lonely? absolutely.

my orchestra class played my composition today :D

it was really nice to hear it played by an orchestra instead of a computer; almost cried hearing all of the notes being played. i could hear the melodic themes and harmonies i had written and it was really wonderful

it felt really good to have the piece i wrote being played, not because it was chosen over other people's compositions, and not because it was guaranteed to be played;

but because people asked questions and genuinely felt interested in it, and asked about the creation process, and genuinely thought about constructive suggestions when i asked what i could do better (which, to my surprise, was only one comment on how a certain measure

but because the robotic midi lines of music i was listening to finally felt alive and i wish i could transform like that.

i wish i could evolve to be better, to hold more emotion, to truly live.

i love having the freedom to debate choices, specifically the miniscule ones that are just about what i want, like if i should put an emoji in a bio or not.

because for those rare moments in my life, i get to decide what i want for me. not because people are telling to do what i want, not because i’ve decided to be [selfish] in some people’s eyes.

it’s that my choice on this fun little thing is the outcome no matter what, and won't be debated at all. i'm just allowed to have fun