yagmur

i don't get addicted very quickly because i avoid things. and i am aware that if i get too attached to something, it will be very difficult for me to get rid of it. this is why i stay away from addictive substances. when i want to quit, i can't find the strength to make myself do it. and unfortunately, when it comes to myself, it's easier to deceive.

throughout the relationship, i tried to avoid being dependent on him as much as possible because i was aware of how addicted i could be even in single-person situations involving only my platonic feelings, and how badly it affected me afterwards.

we can say that i started knowing that it would end. i kept saying this to my close friends. but my goal was to remind myself of this rather than telling them. because even if everything goes perfectly, there is an end to everything. it will end eventually.

but this relationship lasted much longer than i thought and during that time i had no choice but to become addicted to it. that was the first serious thing i could call a relationship. that is, for the first time, i was getting realistic responses to my feelings. it was hard to get used to it

but i have seen that love is a little ungrateful. this may be due to people's wrong or different interpretation of love. and if you ask me, love is a very, very short-term thing. (i couldn't find the correct translation because in my native language we call them "aşk" and "sevgi". you feel "sevgi" for everyone and everything. and i think even hate contains sevgi. "sevgi" is generous. but "aşk" is selfish.) "sevgi" is not like that. "sevgi" is permanent.

it's not our partner that we fall in love with. it's the personality we have built in our minds, the false reality that he reflects on you, on me. but i can't be mad at him for that. because we did the same deception. this is something that happens inevitably. suppressing our own reality and being a fake person to get someone to love us.

whenever we drop this fake mask from our face then love starts to crackle. because i no longer have the person i fell in love with. there is a complete stranger. and in a long-term relationship, you have to drop that mask. what ends here is love-aşk-. but sevgi is still with us. sevgi is what keeps us together.

but what separates our relationship from that of a friend, a mother, is the presence of love. when love ends, the relationship inevitably becomes ordinary. becomes distasteful.

and if i come to your problem from here, i don't believe that love can be born again. you cannot raise the dead. and how much pleasure can it give you to walk around with a corpse?

do not misunderstand me. if you've know me just even a little, you know how emotional i am. if you had asked me this question 3 years ago, i'm sure you would have gotten a completely different answer. and i think my current self has learned from the wrong decisions i made 3 years ago.

i know him and i know he won't be back, maybe this might have made my job a little easier. i'm not saying he won't regret it, but he would rather believe that it was the right decision than believe he made the wrong decision. it's been more than 3 months since the breakup and when i wake up every morning, i still don't know what i would do if i don't know him well enough and if he decides to come back.

but i'm trying my best. i don't want to walk around with a corpse. i don't want to be fooled by two nice words and drag myself there again. loving myself is a difficult concept for me. you can imagine how difficult relationships were for me. because without loving yourself you cannot love another completely. but i didn't let that other person devalue me. when the relationship ended on a random day, i was very available to drown in those mixed feelings when i was alone. i could hate myself. but believe me, they are not needed.

and as i said in the previous post, this is an important year for me. just studying is not enough. a certain morale is needed. i tried to put all the feelings that remained inside me to this morale. i use the remaining love, the hatred, the longing to be better. but not just to get better. to be better than him, to be better than myself that he remembers.

but of course it's easy to say for me. because he didn't come back. i don't know if i can keep this state if there is any response. but i guess i'll try to force myself to do it. a momentary unhappiness is better than deep damage. we don't have to depend on anyone's love to live.

but if you still want to return to him, i won't judge you. these are things to miss. there are so many memories that i miss. but nothing is like the first. and most memories i miss are not with him, but with the fake personality i was talking about.

a lot of things happened this year that i didn't expect to happen. i experienced a lot. i've kissed for the first time, for example, i had a relationship and after that, i had a breakup for the first time.

it all happened in just 1 year. i've had a lot of things i wanted to experience, but it was also a very stressful year - it still is -.

i'm 18 in 2 months. i'm growing. i'm not sure if i'm in the position i dreamed of being in years ago when i was 18. it's certain that this year has allowed me to transcend something within myself. not just myself. i realized that most of the things/people i looked at with envy might not be as smooth as it/they seems from the outside.

i have a very important exam in a few months. we can call it a step towards achieving my dreams. i try to give my best and more. i think i will be able to overcome some things as long as i put effort into it. i saw my strengths and my weaknesses.

in short, it was a year that was never what i expected, but i would never say it was bad :)