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I couldnt rant about it to anyone so im here. Mejo guilty kasi feel ko i take my tumblr for granted?? Idk. I feel like i take all things for granted. I just realized that I really love Tom. As in like I love him. I've been asking myself, "Bakit ba di ko to maiwan? Nakakapagod parang di naman kami magwwork out so why waste time and energy?" And simple lang sagot ko. "Mahal ko. Talagang mahal ko". Sariling tanong, sariling sagot! Ganon ka-independent! Pero ganon ba pag mahal? Malungkot? Or tears of joy ko lang to? Or ganon lang talaga na halo ang love and despair? Sooo many questions pero in the end I'd choose to love him, again and again. At ayoko na magaway pa kami for petty things, ayoko siyang madisappoint, ayoko siyang malungkot, ayoko siyang masaktan. O tapos, paano ako? Bakit parang ako yung biktima when all this time ako yung nanggagago. Bobo ko. Arte ko pa eh. Pero seryoso, di ko maintindihan nararamdaman ko. Maybe I just miss him. Nahihirapan lang ako magadjust sa bagong "siya". Maybe I deserve this sadness. So I'll just stay quiet. Let him be. Natatakot lang ako siguro na dumating yung araw na kaka-let-him-be ko mawala siya. Dumating yung araw na marreject ako. Deserve ko naman. At deserve naman niya na siya naman yung sumaya. Baka toxic narin ako sakanya? Passive, complacent, selfish, liar, cold-hearted... mga salitang naaalala kong sinasabi niya pagiddescribe niya ko. Marami pa, nakalimutan ko lang yung iba. Pati pagkukulang niya or what pero wala naman eh. Perfect siya. He's like the bestest best best of the bests. Ipagtatanggol ko siya sa lahat and I will always always support him, parang fangirl lang ako na bibili lagi ng concert tickets niya, papanoorin lahat ng music videos and variety shows, magssubscribe, magllike, magsshare, magppromote, but never will I ever spread rumors, push him to his limits, and I will always respect his privacy, time and space. What a dork. Hahaha :( I really dont deserve him. I really hope he finds the perfect match for him. Onti nalang, narrealize naman na niya na di ako yun. And with that, Im happy. I choose to be happy. As long as he is. Nudaw. Drama. :(

To my love, I just wrote this kasi wala lang. Its 00:42 midnight and I am lost????? Confused????? Frustrated????? Di ko alam. I just finished a movie titled "12" and naiyak ako pero di masyado. Sabi ni bestfriend ko pag mapanood ko hihiwalayan kita. Pero alam mo? Sa dulo ng film, actually kahit nasa gitna palang sinasabi ko ng paulit ulit sa utak ko na "Hindi ko kaya. Ayoko. No." Hindi kita kayang iwan. Ayokong iwan ka, no. As in kahit nasa script (btw congrats its the real thing galing nila) na yung mga pinagsasabi mo sakin like exactly what you usually say pero meron pa rin naman pagkakaiba katulad nung perspective ng lalake sa maliit na bagay (like me) na malaki para sa babae (like you). Anyway my point here is: narealize ko na kahit gaano ako katigas ngayon -- tigas tigasan ako eh. Lumalaban na ko. I fight back now. -- hindi ko pa rin kaya na fully iwan ka. Oo sige I can ignore all your messages and calls but I will charge my phone para makausap ka pa rin. Lalapit at lalapit pa rin ako. Bibigay at bibigay pa din ako. And ang kinakatakot is baka mamaya mamatay naman ako. Youre my happiness and sadness at the same time. You make me cry, you make me feel broken and not myself yet you comfort me, I still reside in you, that I'd just rather hug you and squeeze my whole face on the side of your neck. As in di ko alam mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam gagawin ko because I dont wanna be miserable all my life with you kahit na wala pa tayo sa punto ng "forever" at "kasalan" but I still wanna be with you I dont want to lose you. Napagtanto ko, baka we just need to take it all slow. I hope naiintindihan mo. Pagod na ko. Pero mahal kita and that covers it all. People would ask "Mahal mo ba? Mahal mo pa rin?" and I would instantly answer, "Oo naman" and they're like "Yun naman pala. Tapos ang usapan." Tapos talaga. Love covers it all. I love you so much with all the heart the Lord would let me.

I think I will keep on doing this hangga't nasa isip kita. I will continue to write about you. Kinakabahan ako kasi baka magalit ka na nagsusulat ako para sayo pero hindi mo alam. If ever malalaman mo baka matagal pa, pag naisipan mo lang magbukas ulit ng tumblr. Yun naman lagi ang dahilan. Nakakatawa ng slight kasi siraulo ako. I laugh at the worse situations, I enjoy creepy and gore things. I love horror movies, having the feeling of being scared and will laugh at myself for screaming so loud. Medjo weird no? Anyway I miss you, I miss us. Having small talk, no gaps at all. Siguro totoo that Im the one who's making the gap between us. Im too secluded with myself, with my own selfish emotions that instead of me letting you in I tend to push you away. Classic drama. But Im trying and I will continue to try to shut off those emotions -- actually no, intead to be vulnerable, honest and open with my emotions with you. I want to have that intimacy with you wherein I am completely naked. Im sorry it takes a lot of courage for me to take my clothes off. Slowly but surely I assure you. I just pray that you would be patient enough to witness and exprience it. I love you so much. Please wait for me.

I am not beautiful, smart, funny, patient, self-less, caring nor loving. I am insensitive, indecisive, irresponsible and, careless. I could be the worst person ever. But you loved me. You love me. I will not deny, I have nothing against you because for me you are perfect, complete. I can't even point out the flaws because your good side always prevails. Maybe thats why they say "love prevails" because no matter what, i believe that because i love you, all the things that make me fall inlove with you will always come first. It just covers it all. This night, I told you two of the deepest secrets i have kept from you. The things about me that might make us or break us. I dont know what will happen the next morning but I hope you'll still choose to stay. I hope that you will appreciate that I chose to tell these things even tho its kind of late. I hope that you still see the good in me despite all these flaws. I hope that how my love for you covers all your flaws that whenever you make me feel upset in a split second you can turn my mood around, you make my heart skip a beat, you make me smile like a kid with an ice cream, your love will overcome mine too. I hope that this relationship will still work. Remember we still have to celebrate our anniversary. I hope you'll give me the chance to experience that with you. You told me to stop with all the words and take actions pero masalita ako kahit na tahimik ako pag nagaaway tayo. Writing has always been a part of me. Words and vocabulary. Kahit na hindi ako magaling magsulat, i speak my heart through it so pag mabasa mo man ito I hope maitindihan mo, pasaway talaga ako kaya sorry kasi nagsasalita nanaman ako na dapat puro action na ginagawa ko. This is another written letter unsent for you because Im sappy just like that (charot). I just love you. I really do. Sobra sobra. Im a work in progress and sana makita mo yung progress kahit mabagal. Im trying my best everyday to be better, to fight myself and be the best person I can be for you because that is what you deserve. Sana deserve ko rin ng ganon. Yung taong lalaban na maging better siya para sakin. Pero i found the best already and that is you. Wala ako masabi sayo. Napakabuti mo. I wish I could snap at you, tell you mean things, aawayin din kitang Kuya Wil ka, but I cant. I have no right. I really am "wasi". I hope I can still prove myself na hindi ka nagkamali na piliin ako pero tangina (sorry sa mura) sobrang sakit. Sobrang sakit na mali akong decision ng taong mahal ko. Sobrang sakit kasi nagkamali nanaman ako. Sobrang sakit kasi mas naoovercome ng mali ko yung mga tama kaya sorry kung medjo matumal ako lumaban ngayon. Mas lalong bumagal yung progress ko ngayon. Nasasaktan din kasi ako kahit na ako talaga ang nakakasakit. Pero. But. I want you to know that I will continue to fight. This is really a challenge for us so please dont give up kahit na parang ako pa-give up na. Kaya natin to, love. Mahal na mahal kita. Sa lahat ng nangyari at mangyayari, itatak mo lang na mahal kita, walang iba at hindi magbabago. Di ko alam anong point nitong letter. Gusto ko lang malaman mo lahat ng laman ng utak ko. Basta kung ano man ang decision mo, I will respect it. Mas gugustuhin ko pang gawin kung ano ikabubuti mo at gusto mo kesa sa isiksik ko ang sarili ko when there are girls out there na ngayon mismo handa para sayo, handa ibigay lahat ng kailangan ko pang itrabaho ngayon. You might say that I dont love you enough. Siguro nga? Pero hindi. I love you so much more than you could ever imagine, much more than it shows. Ayoko lang din magregret na hindi ko nasabi lahat ito bago ang lahat so thank you. Thank you for giving me the best love I could ever experience. Thank you for loving me despite it all. Thank you for being you. Giving me the chance to experience your whole existence. It is such an honor to be part of your stories. You will forever be in mine. You will probably be my story. I love you my love. Always. Yours truly, Louise