i'm a fucking princess

I have been struggling all day to get in Astarion’s good graces on my current play through and… I am only at medium approval and he will not fuck me at the party 😭 I’m gonna have to do a new play through that is chaotic (but it’s hard because I just wanna be a nice person 😭) and also I did Gale’s romance and decided to go back to an earlier save because idk… it felt wrong in my heart. I like Gale. But I do not want to romance Gale. It get like the phrase “It was like kissing my brother.” Yknow? Just felt wrong and gave me the ick. So I was like alright lemme go for Astarion because that’s who I initially liked. Yeah, imma have to do a new play through or something and make different choices 😔

Man. i downloaded hinge again to feel better about myself (flirting helps dont ask me why) but damn. 1) some man called me cutiepie and i dont like that. 2) men really be extra fucking horny and brazen about it from the getgo. like no leading into it really lol

haaa. I haven’t spoken to my boyfriend since 7 am Tuesday morning. He hasn’t seen my messages (or at least read them in the app) but he has seen my Instagram stories. And like, I’m trying not to worry either for him or for us, but I can’t not worry. Plus, i keep having flashbacks to my ex breaking up with me after ignoring me. So, like, I’m panicking too. Worried and anxious and just fuck. And my emotions were already on high because of other shit. Fml.

Are there people who look forward to going to work? Like. I like my job. It’s a good job. But damn, I’d rather not go lol. I’m about ready to go to bed and I was like “damn. It’s only gonna be Wednesday. Weekends here soon tho. But then it’ll just start over again before I know it.” always looking forward to being home or having the weekend and then I’m too tired to do anything. Smh. I gotta finish my book so I can publish it and become rich (/joking. although I would love to publish eventually lol)

Lol, it’s 44 degrees outside and apparently feels like 35 (I dont think so but whatever lol). Yet here I am, in my room with my window wide open and my fan blowing directly on me feeling warm af. I had to take my weighted blanket off so I just have my sheet and my comforter. I’m about to go down to just the sheet. its funny how this is considered warm weather after having below freezing weather for so long. As much as I like it during the day, I would prefer it stay cold at night for my own sake 😭 I overheat when sleeping and hate only having one blanket on. I want all the blankets! I want comfort! 😭😭

You know how music can transport you back to a time or place in your memories? Every time I hear one of my favorite artists, I’m transported to that apartment. sitting at my desk, listening to that music as I write and chill. my plants are alive and well on the windowsill next to me. I can smell the candle we burned. If I turn my head to the side, i can see him sitting at his desk in his room, playing video games and talking on discord. I feel sick to my fucking stomach at these memories. I hate it so much. I need to make new memories with these songs because I adore them but even now I just cannot listen to them. Maybe because when I do, I’m alone. Maybe I need to associate them with new people. It just fucking sucks because what used to be chill songs to write to now just ruin the entire mood. I hate this

My subconscious keeps giving me dreams where I run into my ex and it’s absolutely horrible and anxiety inducing and all of that shit. And that sucks. But then it also gives me, within the same dreams, me running to my boyfriend and getting comforted and protected. so like, I’m still subconsciously messed up by me ex, but know full well that my current boyfriend is an angel, a saint, someone who makes me feel safe? Okay, I’m down for that last part. but let’s abolish the fucking ex being in my dreams pls. I’ll take just my boyfriend and we’ll be all dandy kthnx

Cool, cool, cool, cool. I am sick 🙃 congestion and a headache (probably caused by the congestion tbh, which has also caused copious amounts of sneezing). Idk if it’s because the weather got warm and then really cold again or if my allergies are acting up or what. I did take a rapid test at work today tho and it was negative. I was advised to take another one of my symptoms got worse tho. It’s not even that bad, but I do feel really tired. It’s also really fucking annoying. I just hope I’m better soon because I’m going to have a funeral to attend to soon and I don’t want to miss it because I’m sick. Ofc this happens all at once. Why wouldn’t it? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ahaha, so we’re going out tonight. I’ve picked three restaurants for him to choose from (and also depending on how busy they are). I’m going to wear a very cute dress (actually, the one I wore last year too now that I think about it BUT! To be fair. I don’t own many dresses and it’s my favorite one so 🤷🏻‍♀️). I’m still very nervous to give him the gifts I got because I’m afraid it’s “too much” even tho it’s really not. I got him a his and hers Star Wars keychain (I get one, he gets one), some candy, and a neck massager because that boy needs some self care. And like. I don’t want to seem like I’m overdoing it on the gifts or anything, but I do just love to give gifts. It’s who I am. I just have to remind myself that this is different from the past and he is different and it will all go well, because it always does. Im just a hot mess lol.

Back to emotions and shit like that real quick lol. While I’m afraid of doing too much (and fear driving him away) I also fear not doing enough (and fear driving him away). Like Jesus. I can’t win. Fuck my ex man because somehow I simultaneously did both idk.🤦🏻‍♀️

Also random thing, but I can’t see who is liking my posts? Like I can see some old ones for my more “popular” posts, but there is no activity logs or showing who liked anything more recent. It’s kinda weird. Idk if it’s just me or if it’s a Tumblr thing but yeah. That’s fucking weird….

When people told me I would find happiness again after my ex boyfriend dumped me (and after all the emotional cheating and all the bullshit), I was lowkey kinda skeptical. I knew I’d get there somehow, but it was hard to imagine. And then… I found it. I found it in my new job. I found it in myself. I found it in my friend who would soon become more than that. Remember how I was saying that I was happy and giddy and I was probably gonna have to say something about where we were going? Well, we went! We talked about our feelings. He figured out my vague insta stories were about him (he asked me because he wanted to make sure haha). We had our movie night. We kissed. It was kinda awkward, but we’re also moving into new territory. We’ve been friends for years, so it’s all kind of awkward in the best way. He came over again last week and we chilled and talked and watched a movie and kissed again. We talk every day. And ugh. I cannot wait to go camping with him in two weeks. Honestly, I just want to spend all my time with him. In his arms. Laughing and having fun and being comfortable. He makes me feel safe. I found happiness again. I’m going to cherish it. I’m going to cherish him. 💜

Damn. I can hardly fall asleep properly because I am just so caught up in my feels (in a happy, giddy way) and like damn. I’m gonna be so fucking tired at work lol. But fuck. I’m so excited for this weekend. Honestly, if he doesn’t ask or do anything about wanting whatever this is we’re doing to move in a more romantic direction than I think I’m gonna have to work up the courage to do that. I’ve been laying down some high key hints tho and he’s been picking up on them so idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ We’re going to a cornmaze because I said I wanted to do cute fall shit and he offered. Ugh. And i Still can’t get over him saying everything I do is cute because it’s me. Like aiwolapaah fuck. I’ve got it bad ahahaha.