Life's a Beach...But I Prefer the Bar

The World of Dating Apps

I’m so happy I received responses to my last post asking for texts/messages from creepers (and I’m sure you are too since you’ll have more to read).  I, of course, encourage more, so don’t be shy (everyone remains anonymous by the way).  Email: [email protected] First up, we have the “Clearly-Never-Receives-Responses-to-His-Tinder-Messages” guy: . My friend received this a few days ago… . . .…

I Guess I’m Not the Only One…

So, apparently I’m not the only one receiving creepy messages from men.  I met my friend out last night and she told me about these douchebags who have been texting her.  And since I write a blog dedicated to these idiots, I told her to send me the texts so I can post them for everyone’s enjoyment… . . First, we have the “I’m-not-looking-for-a-relationship-but-definitely-am” guy. . . Welp… . . .…

I Can’t Make This Shit Up

Marvin – yes, that’s his real name – friend-requested me on Facebook about three weeks ago.  Before this time, I wouldn’t have accepted a request from a guy who didn’t have any friends in common with me… …but since I now write a blog about creeps… …I decided that I (along with my friends) would make a… uh… new friend.   He messaged me first by the way.  Oh, and I apologize because most of the…

This Guy…

I really, REALLY just don’t understand the thinking behind what you are about to read.  Is it short-term memory loss? If that’s the case, then this kid, who messaged me on Facebook, is a fucking goldfish shaped like a man. Just read… . I really need to stop blacking out when I drink and forgetting who I meet when I’m out. . . . By the way, this started back in February of 2013.  Now, let’s get…

It’s Time to Stop the Madness

What I’m about to show you JUST happened, and since I am so FUCKING sick of creepy people, I decided to share it with you. I accepted this guy’s friend request on Facebook because we had a few mutual friends and I thought we had met previously.  When I realized we had not… I went off. . . When I realized it was yet another creep… . . . You would think the one-word answers would give him a sign to…

This past fall, on Tuesday nights, I would sometimes head to a quiet(er) bar by myself… …yes, by myself… …to hang out with one of my favorite bartenders, write, and watch college basketball.  Usually these Tuesday nights turn out to be relatively uneventful compared to my typical nights out. No, this time, Christmas came early for me when two people walked into the bar, sat right down next to me,…

New Year’s Resolutions – 2015

I wrote this post about New Year’s Resolutions a while ago, but since it’s the middle of July and I have broken 99% of them, I thought maybe I should re-post and remind myself of the complete jackass I still am. Michelle Lohf Resolutions From what I hear, when others make their new year’s resolutions, they pledge to lose weight and exercise more.  Unfortunately, I need just a tad more help than…

So, yesterday, I posted the beginning of a conversation that I had with “Zach”.  I have more to that conversation and, for some reason, decided against posting it.  But now, looking back at it, he was a complete asshole, so you know what? I’ll start from the beginning and include the additional texts… . . Oh, and you just made it evident that you are a moron and a sexist… and impatient. . Then,…

Ah, Men… You’re So Creepy Sometimes

Since my last post got some pretty positive feedback, I decided to keep the trend going.  These posts won’t make me go to Hell (like the other one), but they will make you realize that, contrary to the popular belief, some men are crazier than women. First up, Tommy: Now, I’m not quite sure where I met Tommy, or when I could have possibly given him my number, but I’m starting to think it was an…

I Have No Words…

The devil is currently digging another layer of Hell just for me because I am posting this. 10th Circle: Evil – Anyone named Michelle Lohf.  Michelle Lohf is here. Before I begin, let me give you a little background… It was about three weeks ago on a Sunday, so I was drunk.   I had moved out of my apartment a few months earlier and found a replacement (I’ll name him Rico Suave for purposes of the…

Yes, I’m finally giving in and going to reveal, well, what happened in Vegas. Unless you write a blog… A little over a year ago, my sister Lauren, my cousin Krista, and my cousin’s husband Ryan decided to take a trip to Vegas.  Now, it was my first time in Vegas, and I think we all know what everyone says: Your first time in Vegas is the best… …and they were right. We decided to book our flight…

Breaking Up… Like a Lohf

As some of you know, I was recently in a long-term relationship.  Yeah, that’s right… One Whole Month I know, I know… But, for me, I was basically engaged. Well, not really, but you get the point. Anyways, the breakup came out of nowhere. Yeah… I’m pretty fucking sure. So, yeah, I was upset (and I’m sure every single one of you reading this post can relate).  But I knew I would be fine…

Dear Men, The Female Mind is Twisted… Understand This

Over the 32 years I have graced this Earth with my presence, I have met my share of men.  And some of those men, I dated.  Recently, though, I took a look back at some of those relationships and realized…well… I was FUCKING crazy. And from what I understand, I wasn’t the only girl… I get it.  But I’ve also realized that freaking out about certain things has gotten me absolutely nowhere.  So here…

Lesson of the Day: Get Drunk at Work

No intro needed, but please… take most of my “lessons” with a grain of salt – my blog is not intended to be serious. Scenario #1: You’re at work, sitting at your desk, about to take a huge bite out of your newly purchased turkey and cheese sandwich, headphones in and happy as hell because the chorus of your favorite song is just starting to play… …when your boss comes over… He stands there for a…

Dear Men, The Female Mind is Twisted… Understand This

Over the 32 years I have graced this Earth with my presence, I have met my share of men.  And some of those men, I dated.  Recently, though, I took a look back at some of those relationships and realized…well… I was FUCKING crazy. And from what I understand, I wasn’t the only girl… I get it.  But I’ve also realized that freaking out about certain things has gotten me absolutely nowhere.  So here…

Things I Wish I Could Have Said to My Ex-Boyfriends

Breaking up with someone is always hard… but what makes it ten times harder is realizing six months down the road that he was a complete douchebag and wishing you could go back in time to the day you broke up to tell that little bastard off. So, here, years later, are my love letters to a few of my ex-boyfriends. Dear the guy who tore my teenage diary into shreds, Do you not see what I do now? …

A Tinder Date with the Lohf

I recently wrote a post about a typical Tinder date between two people at a bar, entitled “Awkward Dating 101” (I’ll re-post that shortly).  I was convinced it was a Tinder date only because I had been on so many before, and unfortunately, they were all too similar. Except for one… A Tinder Date with the Lohf You would think by now I would avoid Tinder since I’ve been on so many unsuccessful…