at this moment...

With  no soul,

My lover

with no  heart.

I give you everything

and i allow you to give me a fraction of what I deserve..

When I give my all?

This shit is getting old.

Fuck you for controlling my thoughts.

Are you kidding me right now with this shit?...

Awake thinking about someone that doesnt give a fuck about me. Wasting precious time on feeling sad... mad...lonely.

Awake again...

Thinking about you.

I lay here and make myself angry because I keep trying and my determination is stronger than my common sense. Pulling my strings and controlling my controllables....meanwhile, you're just pulling back slowly. Trying desperately to make your escape from me. I'm just a fucking idiot who tries everything in her power. Who continually gives her all at things...I guess when you TRULY WANT something, you'll do everything to get it...

You are so full of lip service and yeses yet your actions speak loud and clear. I had a mantra for the longest time for you that I repeated to myself so that I wouldn't feel feelings and become fucking retarded over you...

"The things that you SAY and the things that you DO are two entirely different things."

was to just not feel

so

lonely...

Why am I thinking about you

I need to just let you go because you dont want to be in my life anymore now that I'm no longer convenient.

You continually drop hints and give me outs to NOT go places or do things. You have broken plans with me 30 minutes prior and while I'm actually driving enroute to our plans... And I feel like i keep hanging on. And i shouldn't. No one should be made to feel like they HAVE to do something or be someone via guilt. And that's what I'm doing to you. And I need to stop and just let you go because you dont want to be around me anymore and I need to just accept it. You get bored and you replace everyone. And it's just time for me to be replaced, and Its just something i need to accept.

foolish...

That I could sleep.

The unknown.

I'll never win.

But, I've never actually thought about killing myself until this year...

sometimes I think that it would just be better that way.

I'm not good enough for anything or anyone.

I most certainly will never be "perfect"

I don't know how much longer I can fight this...

The one.

Any one...

Someone's one...

I dont want to feel.

There's a thousand pounds attached to me. Weighing me down. Pulling me deeper into the dark. Making me suffer.

work in 13 minutes...

super.

The only time I have ever felt differently...

I still knew deep down that it was still a facade...

You just pretend for me...and sometimes that's enough...because at least you're willing to pretend that I mean something...

Even if it's just only for a few hours...

I'm so empty.

I feel like I have no reason to...

be.